Sonder

[Anna Konstantaki]

7498

a couple of things about me...

Before going vegan I thought if I go vegan I can do anything, before studying abroad I thought if I can make it somewhere else than where I already know the culture and language I can make it anywhere. Can I do anything now? I don´t really know. Maybe I need another somewhat bigger challenge... I skyped with my bro yesterday, he just turned 22. My mother was also there for a while and said it was about time I should visit home again. I miss some friends I have there... Maybe I should have mentioned that from the beginning- I grew up on the greek island of Rhodes and went to Germany a little before my 18th birthday. I have 2 nationalities and grew up bilingual. I went to the greek public school and took german lessons on afternoons to accomplish recognized language tests. Just a couple of days ago I found out that the gravitational waves were discovered on 14.09.15, that is when I turned 20. 

plans changing all the time+ freedom

The plans for the near and far future I have, no matter how great or not they are, scare me. I don´t like the thought in my head that things are set. I am addicted to the white canvas, the superposition where everything is still possible. I guess I am just afraid to make wrong choices. Then there is the fact that life is damn unpredictable of course and I can prepare as much as I want for things, in the end there is no guaranty for abso-fruitly nothing. 

more stuff about me...

In my childhood and my teens I was not much of a reader. I have made a lot of people think I read a lot of books but that is not true. I had this friend whose mother was a teacher and therefore she had some good literature at home. I´d borrow something from her here and then. Back in time the TV was taking up a lot of my time. When the TV was off I wanted to do something active because school and work for school was as well only sitting around. Sometimes I feel like domesticating myself. I ask myself if I really need all this information I am getting and where on earth my urge to explore and get out went. I used to live adventures with my best friend. I think back to being alone at that place where you can pretty much just swimm to near a beach close to my dads house. I am floating on the watersurface doing nothing. I hear my breath and the ocean. That was freedom. Or climbing and jumping from rock cliffs or walking barefoot in the middle of nowhere and the list goes on. My prison is self made though. But I can´t live a life playing Pocahontas. That would not help me or anyone else.

...(°  °)...

 

 

[Anna Konstantaki]

7499

Even though I did my meditation yesterday, worked for college (not as much as I intended), moved, ate healthy and gave myself free time I did not feel satisfied. I re-listened to the dreamkillers audio to realize that I am still stuck in being afraid to fail and feeling as if the world will end if that happens. 

I see myself using actualized.org more and more as a distraction so from now on I want to read a little in here after writing the journal and then not check for the rest of the day. 

I feel really happy that I found this community here. This place gives food to my higher self. The clarification for my vision for life is a slow process but things start to crystalize out. The more I dive into spirituality the less I want to be one of the people who mistake the map for the territory, even though these people get success and status etc. Of course I want to keep working on my intelligence but the way I see the whole picture is shifting. I do also feel good about being this kind of artistic person that I had learnt to hide over time. 

As for meditation I have no problem with bad sessions- I was expecting that. 

Work ethics? That was number one on the list but if it is about college work then this is what I have worked on the least. But I know what my mistake here was and how I can fix it. I thought I can cut out the time I spend on the internet and replace that with self development study, I though I can cut out my mornings of stretching and time to listen to music to write the journal and meditate. But this was too radical. So we change the strategy. A bit of everything in order to feel good even if that means failing or not accomplishing all I wanted. I did that yesterday but instead of making me feel better it made me feel worse. So I need to change the strategy again with thinking of the worst case scenario and pushing myself more in the moment I want to leave my number one priority. Actually, I need to do inner work. I am probably not motivated enough to stay on track as much as needed. I think once the big picture where every little day is leading to, will be established, it is then that I will go about my days and stick to my plans.

This brings me to the next problem, namely that the big picture manifestation has to wait, meaning that the life purpose course has to. I am afraid that I am putting too much hope on this. I need to start thinking of how this works on my own. Now, beating Leo with his own weapons is kind of ridiculous because the course material has nothing but titles that might give an insight about the content which was formed by years upon years of study my little brain can´t just replace with some logical thinking... This is nonsense. I guess the real question I need to ask myself is: Do you really want this? This life, chances, future, knowledge, abilities etc. If yes, then why and why on earth are you not working on that? 

[Anna Konstantaki]

Now, I know what I left out of the equation. I did not pay enough attention to the emotions. I need to focus much more on how I want to feel instead of what I want to accomplish. Emotions are the real goal.

Another thing I thought I am not doing anymore is multitasking but I think I am still multitasking but on another level. I should really choose one and only one thing I want to develop at a time. That is such a hard thing to do... My strenth is that I am patient but my weakness is that I want it all, I want to train it all. 

I do not make enough plans because I think I won´t stick to them anyways or things will turn out completely different, as always- Huge mistake. Weird because I recognized this mistake before but I have still not fixed it.

My worst pattern: Expect too much> trying to keep up with all I want to do> ignoring emotions> numbing emotions> needing kicks because of feeling numb> risky behaviors> breakdown> depression> hiding> being a failed wreck

The good news is that I have made the progress so that when I reach the stage of numbing the alarm goes on and I step back. The bad news is that this whole thing is wrong from the route. I need to accept the baby steps and might even need help beyond actualized.org and inner work. 

If I do not master my psychology there is absolutely NO way I will EVER go beyond the level of development I am now. 

These are some huge mistakes but hey, no master ever fell from the sky...

---------wrap up--------

• BABY STEPS
• master one thing at a time
• EMOTIONS, emotions, emotions...
• WHY? micro vs. macro
• PLAN, plan, plan...

Ok, that´s it for 7499.  See you on the 7500th day of my life.

-(^  ^)-

 

[Anna Konstantaki]

7500

(°  °)

[Anna Konstantaki]

7501

I can´t always write in the morning hours... Just finished some mindfulness meditation that I have not done in ages. At some point I was describing my notebook display... Definitely the absolutely weirdest and most alien thing in here (when turned on)... How was the day so far? One problem gets solved and another arises... Does that ever end? What about future plans? Yes, many... But which one to choose? By the way... I am almost afraid to say it but I think I don´t wantt to have children and should I ever feel this urge, then not my own but of those that could need someone to care for them like I would for my own... Work ethics? Mm... Working on that. Today I conquered the fear and won. This morning actually I had so much resistance inside me for various reasons-my hands got sweaty and my skin got the chills, I was almost shaking... There are things about my past that still haunt me around but there is my ego as well using these as excuses and me not having read the manual for this complicated human machine yet... I would say I am satisfied with 7501 though... I think I am a lovable little chimp...  And a god damn weirdo...  

(°  °)

 

Edited March 25, 2016 by Anna Konstantaki
typooo

[Anna Konstantaki]

7502

This journal can be misunderstood very easily but I guess I can try as much as I want but I will never fit ALL shapes that my ego takes in here and indeed, nobody can. I don´t think I will ever understand someone else in completeness or vise versa. We could talk about qualia now, or perception or neuroscience or psychology or just the fact that we don´t always have the same input and therefore the same output. ...I enjoy confusing people...  It is an irrational piece of art and falls in love with Itself even though there is nothing scarier than being inconsistant and having Its roles and beliefs always on the table to keep or throw away. Sometimes It feels like It has seen it all... Even the perspectives that It can´t really have are imaginable.  I had  this friend and she accidentaly burnt or cut herself- I don´t remember... Her boyfriend came and said: Do you feel that? "That is YOUR pain. It belongs to YOU." As if it was something of big value and made her special... Then I realized that nobody knows my pain and nobody knows my JOY either. People can have compassion, people can guess your mood, people can try to analyze you as much as they want but they will never know if your blue is their blue. We are alone in our heads and that is BEAUTIFUL.  Every human will never be more or less than anybody else and we all have this DNA and biology but we are unique at the same time. We all already posses things that make us unique. We are similar enough to be each others mirrors and recognize aspects of ourselves in others or get inspired by traits someone has that we don´t but we are different enough to add new perspectives. Even if everyone did awareness work-even if everyone would listen to their higher selfs- we would all manifest our potential into reality in different ways. Two people practise mindfulness at the same place and time but are they becoming mindful about the same things and in the same way? No. "You" and "Me", we are endless butterfly effects, just like everything around. 

Future plan? I/It want(s) to do activism.(This vision is nothing new). At this point in my life the best activism I can do is be vegan, share some video on social media here and then  and sign some petitions with my email... This is actually a big need of my higher self-this need that I do something-may it be small or big to contribute to solving some of the problems this world has. I don´t think I would be so passionate about this if I had not seen and felt a couple of things first hand. That is what bothers me... That people kind of need the bear hunting them to run. Nowadays for 1st world people  it is all quite abstract and it takes some time for them to make a connection between what happens at one place and what happens at another. The internet is such a great medium, such a powerful tool to spread information, to help the ones that want to know-to actually know (ehm...and hopefully do). But I don´t mind getting my hands dirty... The thing is that I don´t know where to look first. I guess providing psychological wisdom like Leo does is the most genius thing one could do. With that it is not you and the people but the people and themselves, it´s like implanting your higher self beliefs into others, it is addressing the problems from where they start. 

...

Hopefully the speed of human made destruction won´t be higher than the speed of our education or awakening or healing or evolution or however you want to call it. Cheers.

~(°  °),

 

[Anna Konstantaki]

7503

 I watched this interview with Evan Rock who is a nice balance between the rational, bussiness oriented, organising energy bulb but at the same time this very spiritual, deep, centered and loving meditator. 

 

The only thing that strickes me though is that for me the next decades won´t be satisfying even if I manage to get my ass to super expensive Hawaii and surround myself with a loving community like Evan managed to do. I feel like that would be fleehing from more messed up  places and people and I feel that writing some book or just acting in one small place with a specific audience is easy. The pationate people who try to make the world better are not helped this way. I would give up all my passions if I could reach more people. I know Leo says that we should focus on what we are already good at and master that and enjoy our brief time on earth this way but I already know that at some point in my life, after educations and jobs allow it, I will have to at least try to do something difficult and risky and shoot for bigger impacts. I can´t help it-I know too much to think that I can just get myself a nice life and leave it there-I can´t be that ignorant.

How was meditation yesterday? Ehm... Good? How was it today? Not accomplished yet. This whole meditation habits thing is anyways still at an experimental stage... 

I don´t know if it is possible but... I send you LOVE! (´cause I feel plenty of that right now...)

~(°  °)~

[Anna Konstantaki]

7504

At around midnight I set down with the lights out and stared at a candle for an hour, blew it off and continued 50 more minutes... Maybe the best thing I did all day. Before that I decided to catch myself on camera while talking. (Had one of my downs).
I had nothing specific to say, just what came to my mind. I watched that and my mouth dropped open at some points. It was like watching a depressed criminal who covers pain with empty gazes and a deep voice-not to mention all the lies... 
What should I say? This weeks video hits it on the spot... These extremes of beating oneself up or being lazy... The videos back from 2013 had no answer but today I was just served it on a silver plate. In the very first post I had mentioned that I want to work on acceptance-so here we are... 

I commit to doing this exercise until new material is released. 
Right now I am smiling. There is not much to say, is there? 

Pay
Attention
Integrate
Now  

(^  ^) <3 (^  ^)

[Anna Konstantaki]

7505

How is it/It going?

The day is pretty much over.

I re-watched the acceptance video and I really like this idea of existence never being wrong and not needing me to be any other way...

! ...Unconditional love from existence... !

My meditation was a fight... My pre frontal cortex feels cramped. 

Oh wow... I spent my day home but did not mindfuck myself online? How that?

I read 66 pages of Chomsky and consider that as a good job. 

If I liked red beet I would not be hungry now. No, I am not going to use a delivery service. Shops open tomorrow again (finally!).

If I just had a cat right now... Who is going to wash the dishes? Not me- I´m out!

- "It" is really unconscious right now but LOVES you.

I know this does not make sense...

I am post-rational mmkay? Hehehe...

I guess I should start writing in the mornings again...

Sweet dreams ya all

(-   -) zzzzzZZZ

[Anna Konstantaki]

day 7506

First of all I am going to share some lyrics of a song I found...

You float in a million lights
But the one you seek is not there
You fight in a million fights
But it's yourself you cannot bear

You think you are a leader
But you turn everyone away
You think you are a preacher
But you can't turn night into day

Well there is something inside of me
And I know that it's growing
Well the thing that will forever be
And I feel its shadow calling

It is the fear that drives you mad
It is the fear that makes you blind
It is the fear that keeps you sad
It is the fear that kills your mind

You think you can make things grow
But in truth you are like a desert
You think it's not your ego
And that others make you hurt

You have learned how to deceive
And yourself is all you can hear
You think you really believe
But deep down you are only fear

There is something inside of me
That makes me run against the wall
The thing my eyes don't want to see
That will obliterate my soul

[...]

Everyone's afraid but that's no excuse

[...]

Everyone's afraid

(Mind.In.A.Box-Fear)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So, It has gotten a taste of how personal development really works and It is trying to get a tiny bit closer to the better every day. All these concepts turn out to be so different from how It expected. One thing one must accept is that "fast" is never the solution-ever. Learning is repetition and repetition needs time. 

It did so many mistakes today. Today It just failed. Failed in all points... But It has to write an entry because It commited to doing so. Now, after all It can´t really feel bad or good about Itself. It can´t help It-just the same traps over and over... This is a part of this whole thing... It used to be one of these people who would put their whole heart into something and be excited and hope and do and fight and dream and It knows that the victim mentality doesn´t fit in here but the years of hell have been hot enough that the only way to bare them was to go unconscious or make up some different reality. The problem is that once you get out of there things are not automatically fine, you might discover that something is fundamentaly wrong with you because you might "miss" it (shity homeostasis-even though this homeostasis is not worth its title). You can´t just undo so many patterns in just a year of watching Gura and related channels. Fact is that nobody will be disappointed but Itself. Fact is that nobody gives a single fuck (unless you might pay maybe) and that is OK. It has never been someone to choose easy goals however, so what to expect. Never think that you won´t fall into a black hole again-you will and that is no new epiphany, the epiphany is that you might have been wrong about the frequency of those things along your journey... 

(°  °)

 

 

Edited March 29, 2016 by Anna Konstantaki

[Anna Konstantaki]

7507

Ok. Uhm... I was at the river and this guy from further away shouted something and I turned around and he asked if I was about to jump in there...  After some time I saw that guy again at a spot further down and he joked that he and  that other man he was talking to, purposely waited at this spot if maybe they will see me going down the stream. I am not sure if he was actually conserned or just kidding or both.

I read this email today from one of my professors... Ends with the sentence: 

"Danke für Deine humorvolle Mail (thank you for your humorous mail) ! Brightens my evening!" Too bad I will have to disappoint this nice guy who always believed in me by telling him that I did actually not finish the essay and will need a third trial (the first was before going to study abroad in the Netherlands but I did not even start it, well and the second was meant to be untill the end of this month... Pff... You know... He even invented another point counting system so that he could sign this paper for me that I need in order to continue getting money from the german government (my aunt likes to complain that I live of the taxes she pays...). And I was really motivated you know... When I knew I still had enough time to write a good one. Isn´t it ironic that I went into that office last week and when he was sorry because of "chaos", I answered: No. This is not chaotic. It is your perfectionistic mind. (Girl you got guts talking...) He thanked me (cause I was right of course and big minds think alike...I guess..?). Anyways... What am I going to do with this life?

You know Glove and Boots (It is a sociocritic Yt channel with puppets)? Sometimes I sound like Fafa... Once a teacher said to me: Cartoon-come out of her! I guess I just watched too much TV when I was younger... My mum was and as far as my brother tells me still is a TV addict. I am no better only because of spending my time on Youtube... Even though I like to watch the qualitative and usefull stuff there and must have subscribed to almost every single knowledge related channel there is-I even had this phase where I would watch 2 hour long NASA hangouts... I am such a clown... Even though this astrophysics student I met abroad was pretty impressed about all the stuff I know.

If I have had better grades after highschool graduation I would have probably gone to study psychology because at about age 15 I was convinced that most people are just damn sick inside. I don´t mind my failing back then because both my home and my school were just a mad house- this time has marked me my whole life. I have empathy for psychopaths because I was on the verge of becoming one. I´d either killed others or myself if I had stayed on this fucking island. Sometimes I tell my friends in Germany things I find funny but they don´t and they have even said " with that crazy parents you turned out pretty normal Anna". Sometimes I think that I stop trying and give up on me because I have just been disappointed too many times by too many things in a relatively small period of time. 

I don´t even remember if I meditated yesterday and I feel a hell lot of resistance when thinking of doing the acceptance exersice. I just have a complete block.

I will be honest and swear around and I am not sorry at all. These fucking cunts from the bike store have still not repeared my bike. I know that they are waiting for some pieces of a company but if they know that "they say it will take some time" means forever then why didn´t they say that in the first place? I am getting chubby here and that is not nice. It is already enough that on my legs I have self harm scars from my last relapse when I flew home two years ago and this fucking thing the internet says is skin cancer (I would not be surprised but it better not be). Irony, isn´t it? I wanted to live really long and healthy (leaving aside the times I did not want to live at all). I wanted to live healthy and long because I searched about that stuff because instead of socializing as a kid on Saturdays I would watch my grandma slowly die of pancreatic cancer (and depression because my grandpa had died-a type of blood cancer-he was in the agriculture- lot of pesticides...)when she finally passed away she looked like one of those starved jews of Hitler´s concentration camps. Tell the greeks to send you your european health card- might arive a month or two before expiring? I HATE YOU GREECE-I AM ASHAMED TO BE HALF GREEK. (not always...)

Oh, yes I grew up on an island where the sun is shining and the tourists go do party and stay in hotels... with airconditioning... Tourists? We had a couple of teachers who would call the bad students tourists... Is that rasist? Anyways... My mum came here as a tourist... Who fell in love with a minimalst who lived in a garage in the middle of a field and had a dog called Gaddafi... Seriously mum? The good thing about him is his minimalism though... Before my existence he was baffled about curtains... I mean... Who needs that shit right? I want to get rid of many things I have, also because one day I want to live in an ecocapsule somewhere where I can play Heidi and won´t threat or be threatened by anyone (that is partially a joke). Am I really writing this into a public journal? Hi, future boss...  Who says I won´t be unemployed for the rest of my life? I could work on my dad´s property. Haha and try to work harder than your brother again to get his recognition even though you are a girl? To burn your hands and get green skin and collapse in the sun while being eaten by buggs and inhaling the smell of rotten vegetables mixed with pesticides in a greenhouse or to watch pakistani and black people who work for other farmers a step from heatstroke be exploited for a miserable salary? I don´t want to know what is going on now with the refugees... Best part is how they treat nature though... But who gives a fuck about that when the sea level is rising and year for year it is getting more hot? My home will be either inhabitable or gone completely anyways! 

 I would be so good at some job of women objectification. If I have mastered one place in this life it is the dancefloor... I used to be able (I guess I still can) run on 12 centimetre high heels and I have a friend back home, he works for one of the strip clubs in bar street... Too bad I am trying to love myself. Too bad... Too bad that I don´t even wear mascara anymore... Too bad I try to go to bed early and don´t drink anymore. Did you know that alcohol destroyes all antioxidants in your skin in just 8 minutes? I find that astonishing... Obviously nobody wants to hear these thoughts but I don´t care. I am no vanilla sweety-that is for sure. And I like myself. You know in judo sometimes I would get thrown through the air and crash on the tatamis like a sack of potatoes while feeling my ribbs being pressed into my flesh and stuff flowing around and my breathing go heavy for a while but I would immediately get up again. I know very well that I am not upset for crap. I would suppress my anger when a girl in class would for example cry because of some argument with her boyfriend. I could had thrown myself on the floor and started screaming and kicking (´cause I tried to shine even though I had real problems)... But I was too afraid that I would be given medication or brought to the psychiatry on Lesbos (the other islands don´t have such a thing) and I could definitely not leave my suicidal at that time brother-STOP oh please dear brain stop because I really, really want to sleep. NEED -SLEEP -NOW. OK?

That was useless information taken out of my fucked up past which influences the now, which I have to change...

Peace and love and that stuff...  

(°  °)

 

[Anna Konstantaki]

7508

Just finished todays meditation. I think I am back on track. Have I mentioned that I would like to study cognitive neuroscience? From all the stuff I was researching in the past months  I find it the most interesting because the human brain is the most complex divice found in the known universe and I think there is nothing wrong with wanting to understand it better-I mean we ARE it in a way... Of course I have not checked the prerequisites of how to get accepted at the uni I want but I know that if I finish my BA and change to a uni with a psycho/neurolinguistic department I should be able to do a master on that or take some overlapping  courses and then switch. But I am not sure at all if untill then I won´t have overcome all knowledge graph expanding urges. Who knows... Maybe after taking the life purpose course I´ll do something completely else. What I should definitely do is learn more about economy and business... Even though I doudt it that I would ever climb some corporate ladder...

I am really hesitating to say I have a fixed plan for life but I have come so far that looking at my notes I can say that I like mixing stuff up and right now my years are planned in a way that I do one or two things as a main focus and at the end of that period prepare myself for the next things I want to focus on but that feels already unbearable because I would always have to supress some side of me in order to have success. My spiritual side will for sure be a main theme one day in the distant future and I might dedicate whole years to it but I don´t want it to become the only thing, namely becoming a yogi or something like that is not really on the list even if all conditions would allow it. I just don´t like absolutes and labels. Everything has to be done MY way. If we judge from how little views this journal has we can conclude though that MY way is for me and very few others. If I was a musician for example I would have a really small audience. 

I´d rather see a little of everything before I die instead of knowing little but like the back of my hand. The problem is that world likes us specific. VERY specific. I would like to be a polymath like Micheal Stevens from Vsauce one day. I don´t know... All the people I call pioneers and geniuses (others might disagree) already exist. 

Things I want in my life/value: Wisdom and knowledge, freedom and independence, nature, feeling light, health, inspiration, excitement about starting the day, my few good friends, being deep... I must have an old list somewhere but this is all I can think of I someone would ask out of the blue now... Let´s leave it here for today. 

(°  °)

[misko55]

@Anna Konstantaki jeeez , we are so alike , I exactly know where you come from , the same thing , have to do things my way , want to know everything but don´t like to go into details. Yeah this world is not for us , for sure. But , trust me , economy and busness , there is nothing to learn there , well , at least not for you. I finished that school and I wish I didn´t. Pretty useless if you are spiritual. If anything the best busness people build on the fact that they never went to those schools and do stuff differently. Economy is very unflexible topic.

[Anna Konstantaki]

@misko55 Thank you Daniel, for this post-I guess I needed to hear that from someone black on white.

[Anna Konstantaki]

7509

Oki doki... I am actually quite excited about the next weeks. Friends come back and new courses start and I will take up uni sport again... The downside are all the social events and parties I am so bad at saying no to. 

BECOMING BORING

I decided to become more boring. There is obviously a correlation between people with boring lifes and people who make results. 

I have made SO many schedules in this life and it is SO hard to stick to them. I guess they were just lacking flexibility. System. Create a system and NOT a schedule. I guess I am a little too lazy to do that? I´ll work on that right now. I did not think that I was perfectionistic but... According to my self analysis I am a complete victim of trying to make up the perfect plan and preperation and not only that but also manifesting it perfectly into reality. Add some fear of failure and there you have it! The PERFECT procrastinator. The perfect recipe to make yourself perfectly miserable. 

I want to see myself living a life using the sedona method, doing meditation, staying conscious, practising self love, being a strategic motherfucker... I mean... I know more theory about how to make everyday life better than ever. I am not even applying a third of all the stuff I learned. I am really excited about creating a life where it is all integrated. There are not many routines in this life that have worked for me so far and I will have to think very, very intensive about how I will fit it all in. Maybe that is shooting myself in the foot? I think I can´t avoid resistance coming up anyways, with or without techniques and strategies. What I have not had before is the attitude to life and stress and values and perspectives that I have now and I have this feeling that these will make things very different from prior trials. 

Who am I? Not a lucky idiot or underachieving genius, neither terrible nor great, just a mediocre perfectionist.There are many perspectives in this world but some are closer to the truth than others. These are the ones I am after... 

What are you trying to master at the moment?

Creating a realistic system that will help me stay on track with both my ordinary life and self actualization.

What are the baby steps to reach this goal?

I am writing it in here to put some accountability pressure on myself and I am looking at my ways of going unconcious, gathering various methods of motivation, make reminders, visualize, learn from past fails, learn from things that have already worked, powerful mindsets

What are the emotions you want to get out of this?

I want to feel satisfied because of working towards a life that will allow my higher self to act out its desires. I want to feel excited about creating an extraordinary life. I want to feel proud for doing the "level up" in my journey. I want to feel happy about all the hope and inspiration my success can create and how it could get others into this as well. I want to feel like taking care of myself and help myself feel able to challenge me even more without losing safety, love and cosyness. I just want to feel peaceful because I tried to give my best and do the best I can with this life.

This is getting quite long... 

free electro hugies

(°  °)

 

[Anna Konstantaki]

day 7510 (already?!)

Good morning. Do you know that days when the timer for meditation goes off and you are like: Thank god-finally! Today is one of those days...

So, I started my every day brainwash for a better life and of course I have not "hacked" my own mind yet, but hey, I am getting to know myself a lot better than I used to...

Looks like that taking full responsibility for longer than a couple of hours does not work. I don´t understand my ego... I mean... It knows very well that only with responsibility comes power and I know that it loves power. Nothing comes for free, you understand that? Am I talking to myself again? I should really see some human beings again and have some useless conversations-eh-I mean a great time! 

Yesterday I was watching the sunset and then this thought came to my mind... What if you get the life you want? That question just got me right back to the fact that it is so important to set new goals and do things for how I want to feel... It also pointed out that I am not only afraid to fail but also afraid to succeed. I have been at both sides of the scale in this life and I know that neither nor is free of pressure. The thing is that I used to do a lot of things to impress others, make myself lovable or just for competitions sake. Doing things ONLY  because they will make me feel good is almost weird, is something I still have to learn to motivate myself into.

Another problem I crush into is becoming vulnerable vs. being smart. On the one hand there is opening up, being honest, trusting, sharing ideas and puting myself out there and on the other hand there is protecting myself from all the critisism, being missunderstood, tricked, used etc. Maybe I get it wrong but I feel like that I either trust the world as I trust myself or I do not trust anyone and have this kind of double sided ninja presence... I don´t know but I have not figured out the balance here yet. Maybe it´s just me, who thinks I can´t do whatever fits the situation and carry around both sides but I think it makes sense to feel uncomfortable with these because they are opposite mindsets and behaviors.

Ok, leaving all that aside, did you get any shit done on 7509? 

It took me hours to form the schedule for the next weeks by filling up my calender but it is not a system yet-it does not include backup plans and alternative days or rules, so I will definitely have to spend some time on that again. I´ll never be good at acting out if I don´t get good at preparing first, right? Looking at what I want to accomplish today, I am feeling very comfident that I will get it all done (thumbs up for realistic goals)... So let´s see... 

-Where are you Anna?

-Here.

-What time is it?

-NOW

Goodbye and have a great day.

(°  °)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Anna Konstantaki]

7511

I went to the mall yesterday to buy some stuff like a new light bulb, a training pants for summer, a new block for uni... It is insane how easy the mind starts rumoring around about outfits and styles and looks and statements and all that material based crap. I also went into the bookstore and spent some time at the spirituality sector-didn´t buy anything though... We are really spoilt with all the free information on actualized.org... Gura does not care about the money-he only cares about his life purpose...We profit from some 30 year old guy in Las Vegas we barely know and all he does is make himself happy. That is so cool. So 2016.

simple

I am ok with 7510, I guess the worst thing was that I stayed up too long... I worked on the system... While thinking of all the stuff that can go wrong on an ordinary day I really started seeing the point of fixing one or two main things which then create  positive chain reactions that kind of "fix" the day. I guess we humans have a talent to be ignorant in front of solutions that seem so SIMPLE in such a complex world.

---

I once had a conversation about death with a guy...When I asked him how he wants to die, his answer slightly shocked me...He said that he wants to die in nature while having sex with a pretty and young woman and having his mouth stuffed with chocolate cake (or was it donuts?-no, he was not joking)...  I bet that I do have some hedonistic approaches to life as well but people just blow my mind sometimes... 

How I feel? Like going 10 steps forward and then falling 15 steps back. 

----loving my sins to death----

This is basic self love practise... I don´t even know why I got so upset with sticking to the acceptance exercise... It is common sense that someone who has hated herself so much in the past (who hasn´t? I can barely name you any people I personaly know that really love themselves-self hate is so common) would have big struggles taking this path. When you run on auto pilot you don´t even realise how many symptoms of guilt and frustration and self punishment you carry around... Maybe I should install cameras everywhere and track down my behavior in order to become more conscious.

 (°  °)

 

 

 

[Extreme Z7]

@Anna Konstantaki That story about the guy's fantasy of having sex and overeating on pastries before death is one of the funniest things I've ever read. Really a very shallow mindset. Personally, I don't feel I'm ready yet to think about what I want to do when I die because I still barely have the complete picture for what I want to have in my life figured out but at least I've been able to pinpoint the things I don't want in my life. Eating unhealthy foods and sexual obsession definitely is not welcome in my picture and so is negative emotions and compulsive distraction and other things.

[Anna Konstantaki]

@Extreme Z7 What if I told you that the same guy claimed to be emotionaly intelligent and that he said that all he wants in life is to be happy? Leaving others aside, I decided a couple of years ago that I want to die in early spring during sunrise, preferably sitting outside but in bed with an open window would be nice as well... Now, how I want to feel before I leave is a whole new chapter... 

[Anna Konstantaki]

technically speaking it is 7512 now...

I couldn´t sleep so I decided to do the self acceptance exercise. 

I watched the new video... Well, one weakness of the ego is that it does not like to be bullied... And we live in a society where people feel less offended when called anything but stupid and dumb... It is true though... Knowing about enlightenment and not trying to pursue it IS dumb. I am guilty of this myself... I have drifted away from my spiritual gains... I did not even list enlightenment as a goal in the beginning of the journal... I thought that I will be meditating and if a good state comes, a realization, an epiphany then may it last and be... 

Enlightenment reminds me of Harry Potter and the philosophers stone. You can´t get the stone if you want to use it, which kind of makes it useless- useless for the ego... 

"Get rid of ALL of it (all the ego)". There is this challenge I want to do... I call it the "no I-no It " challenge. Think of how many words we use every day just for the egos sake... I want to try to write as if things just happen and there is no self who does them, who feels them etc... If there is nothing there-no ego, then even adjectives and certain proper nouns get lost... All that remains is clear perception... I think... That could bring me closer to an enlightened perspective, couldn´t it?

I have this old video of Leo in my head now... Where he talks about choaching and at some point he has tears in his eyes... He is really passionate about this... I trust him on what he says about enlightenment, as I trust my intuition that the time I put into it will be worth it.

~LO(^  ^)VE~