Sonder

[Anna Konstantaki]

7487

I commit to continue writing my journal in this forum.

 I am afraid of making any promises or setting  big new goals.

I think if I had a better emotional vocabulary it would contain endless shades of fear and worry. These are so sneaky- they really hide everywhere.

I lie a lot. That is why I often like to use  "It" instead of "I". That helps me being more honest.

What I want to work on:

 

1. my academic performance/work ethics  (completely in backslide mode right now)
2. clarifying my vision for life 
3. meditation (emotions, acceptance, awareness, visualizing, techniques)

 There are other domains that I want to work on as well but I want to prioritize these for now  because they are sort of the frame that I need before I can shoot for anything bigger. It wanted to make this first post simple and  clear so that It can return to It any time and check if It did any progress. 

That´s it/It

-(°  °)-

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited March 11, 2016 by Anna Konstantaki

[Extreme Z7]

(•̀ᴗ•́)و ̑̑

[Anna Konstantaki]

@Extreme Z7 Thank you. That is encouraging. Don´t get carried away by too much YouTube again! Good luck.

[Anna Konstantaki]

7488

OK, It had to change the journals name because (°  °) is not allowed-only English characters. "Sonder" is one of Its favorite words... (The realization that each random passerby is living a life as vivid and complex as your own—...http://www.dictionaryofobscuresorrows.com/post/23536922667/sonder)

To today´s meditation... Started with mindfulness but ended up doing simple thought observing/releasing. It went much better than two days ago when It was at the Danube. Though that is weird because usually rivers/flowing water help It a lot to get concentrated. It can´t help it but Its guts feel bad. It wants to drop this habit of eating cooked food one hour before sleeping... It fell asleep while siting in bed yesterday because if It lays in there it has happened that Its stomach rebels so much that It has to through up. The guts are a second brain, according to Tony Wright at least. return to the brain of Eden . It has watched some talks of him at the Woodstock Fruit Festival on YouTube. Might read his book one day...

Yesterday It stayed home and started asking what It wants to create in life. As a child It did not dream upon any specific future but it has been quite early that It took the decision to become wise one day. A couple of years after that It took the decision that It wanted to become a best ager and centenarian. Now, these are some goals that impact your whole life but they do not really answer the question of what one will create and make a living of. Writing this all down takes a lot of time so let´s just leave this with the fact that It created a list of goals fitted on each decade- far from perfect and...well... no- It will never understand how humans get bored on this earth. As for the near future... Things are pretty clear. It knows what has to be done. 

Now, if humans are what they do in average every day and if one took 7487 as an average day then... Then there is a lot to do... Which is NOT studying great people, getting inspired and dreaming away time, philosophizing about water or something else or listening to music or dancing but simply going to that quite place called library and write that essay. Sometimes It wishes all books were audio or e-books or even better: videos on YouTube. 

That´s It/it

(hi future self from tomorrow...how was 7488?)

-(°  °)-

Edited March 11, 2016 by Anna Konstantaki

[Anna Konstantaki]

7489

Just finished today´s meditation. Used the "do nothing" technique this time. Time passed by quickly. Could have continued for longer. This whole body-mind thing is really interesting... There was this tingle sensation but this "inside tingle". It asked Itself what that even is. Turns out this was in straight relation with the stress that comes with the urge to stick with today´s plan. Now, this tingle once It became more aware of it went straight up to the nose, like that the immune system was having this response to these... Thoughts? Well more like subconscious expectations of Itself. Sneezed twice or so and then It was maybe not in bliss but at least somewhat relaxed and centered... Interestingly when It sits down to meditate all kinds of discomforting thoughts don´t come up that much and when they do they don´t cause so much resistance, it is as if they don´t even belong to Itself-kinda surreal. 

Yesterday was good. Stayed around 7 hours at uni, small breaks... The first hours passed quickly then concentration levels started dropping. It is proud anyways. But one day does not make a habit... So let´s not become too euphoric here. 

Quite amazing how much time one could spend studying and practicing the material of Leo´s videos. There is so much potential and juicy, useful, qualitative information in there. Reading questions and answers in the forum contributes only a tiny bit in comparison to listening to these. The longer It thinks about this the more It realizes that only because of trying a little here and there to act upon these concepts nothing too great will happen. This is hard work actually if done correctly. Now if a human wants then whatever would normally be just pain is not perceived as such because it is passion. 

It has one of Its really thoughty phases again. Got almost hit by a car yesterday. Not because It did not see it but because It just continued walking after a glimpse. Guess that is far from "in the moment" but better than an all cloudy mind. At least it is able to concentrate at SOME-thing.

As for the clarification of what It wants to create... Still unspecific. Might work on that later again.

That´s it. "See" you tomorrow.

-(°  °)-

[Anna Konstantaki]

7490

And another day that starts at 5:00... 

But this time I´m writing before meditation. 

Now day 7489 turned out pretty terrible but at least It finished this painting of that ox...

Cute, fluffy, pink shimmering, albino ox... 

It reached that really great state at around November/December 2015. "Why on earth would you want to go back!?" I don´t want to Leo... I just AM back. You know, maybe the crazy, stung, drunk monkey had a relapse? It never knows if Its behavior is because it is crazy OR stung OR drunk... 

At school I once asked this teacher how it is possible that conjoined twins have so different personalities when they have pretty much the same input to form them. She said that we all just play roles in life. Blew my mind back then... I tried to think critical about this but it appears to be true-at least to some extent. I am a creator of art and knowledge and many other things already but I can´t keep being  all over the place. Everything is interesting because everything is in this same cup. I keep diving through extremes. I never know and do enough but I want peace. 

[Anna Konstantaki]

54 minutes ago, Anna Konstantaki said:

 

"Now day 7489 turned out pretty terrible... "

No. Not the day. "You".

 

"... I just AM back. "

Remember... Surrender. AGAIN. Back in Germany and already forgotten your epiphanies? Stop resisting.

 

After meditation. Now this time It tried to concentrate on that self made noise in Its ears. Sounds like these old TVs when they are on stand by mode...

Now let´s get on with things. Yesterday, as It was trying to make some bigger picture of what it wants to create (because in this world you have to know exactly what you want and It is dam confused about what it wants), It stumbled upon that text from 19.11.15... It says things like:

"I dream of showing people all the invisible lines I see and show them how combining knowledge is something eye opening and wonderful and that openmindedness is beautiful and that the ones who posses it can go very far in whatever domain in life they wish to." 

Now that is unspecific but that sounds like that It will have to be influencing. A teacher. 

"I am dreaming of traveling deep inside my inner world and draining all possible wisdom there is. I am dreaming of being old and valued. I am dreaming of living extraordinary and knowing that I did what I could do, that I reached my potential, that I felt my feelings and was human in the best ways."

Oh... The question of how to be human in the best way again+ Define extraordinary.

"I dream of seeing places that will make me feel an earthling and I want to know that I did what I could to minder the pain of the world and that I tried to maintain balance for all life forms and that I noticed and respected all the big and small things that contributed to my existence and that I helped others do the same. "

Life long learner: Already a thing. Traveling: Not going to happen in a big extent in the near future. The rest sounds like state green: Hippy alarm.

"I want to believe in more abilities we yet have not discovered. I want to believe that earths life, humans included, will make it even when the
time of our solar system has expanded, I want to believe in eternity, in the universe being something that won´t end. Furthermore I dream of the feeling of freedom and expressing myself as I wish, moving in the world without fear and being watched."

Aaa... I see. Little chimpy wants to play superhuman again... Or do you want to become a humanitarian that experiments on herself through trying to contribute to humans evolution in a way that Ouspensky said for example? You could also develop technology to expand the humans abilities or is that cheating? Cosmology? Oh, come on... The universe is expanding, it might one day find its end in heat death but do you really care? You´ll be dead anyways... Freedom? That is a feeling. Achievable. Very... Fear? Not again mate... 

"I dream of having enough money to buy a villa and a fancy car and a private yet and NOT doing it. I dream of doing things better, making my investments better and meeting people like me and telling them how great they are."

Ego candy. But you can become a minimalist... Won´t hurt anyone... People like you? Why would you tell them how great they are? You want a validation loop or something? Ego candy-Ego candy... I´ma wright a song ´bout that...

" I dream of being a role model that has not existed in that way before and I dream of never stopping the challenges that I could make myself face until my last breath. "

Possible but mathematically unlikely. Presidents age 19 times faster than ordinary people by the way. Just for an example.  Now this is in interference with your goal of longevity. You might as well get assassinated.

"I have a dream that I will contribute to changing the world through being the living proof that humans are powerful and that we all have the power to heal ourselves if we want to." 

Well OK... Do that and then what? Make a video on social media to spread hope? 

"I want to give hope to the people who remind me of my younger selves. I want to be the person I would had needed around in the past for others."

I don´t understand. Do you want to be a teacher, a parent or a social worker?

"Let´s dream... I want one day to be able to give speeches with such charisma as few have on this planet and I want to argument  calmly and be calm whatever happens. I want to be calm when there is an earthquake, when someone is mistaking, misunderstanding or treating me unfairly, when I am in pain, when I have a problem, when I have to perform or judge or take responsibilities. I want to become the calmest person I know."

Might happen after years of self development... Might never happen. 

"I dream of giving people the words,emotions they really need... I dream of becoming one of the greatest people I know and of feeling good about who I am every single moment of my life." 
 Simple... Just spread Leo´s yogi wisdom...
"I dream of being an inspiration by just a glimpse at me, I dream of being and looking powerful and drawing the interest and attention of people." 

Here comes the artist... Sounds a lot like ego candy by the way. Now, how is that supposed to work? You want to get super fit, glowingly healthy in and out and have some sort of unique style? A goal, yes but bringing that in alignment with all the other things like getting better at uni and all that spiritual work-you´ll burn out... Distant future thing. 

"I dream of being a leader that makes people feel hopeful, safe and driven." 

And I dream of being superman... You don´t want that. Liar! I mean... You can´t even take full responsibility about your own life, how do you want to lead others? Don´t forget by the way that leading positions are still predominantly owned by males... Maybe you can work on this for decades and some day get fruits out of it but fact is that you will have to sacrafice so much that you have to be very, very sure that this is something in alignment with your values...

"I dream of surprising and moving the others." 

Motivational speaker or comedian, or writer... Maybe YouTuber... Extendable. 

"I dream of shocking the others by telling them things I know about them, by figuring them out, like nobody else has before."

You are creepy. And neurotic. And you already do that. Person hacking is useful though... 

"I was dreaming of discovering the world with my best friend while being each others masters and going back to being childish but also wise, pure, light and innocent. "

Yeah sure... Convince her to quit education and do that yourself , live in ...?, make money from ...? So dam realistic... That is a goal for vacation not for life. Maybe you can do that when you´ll be old and grumpy... If you first maintain yourself in the conditions to be able of course...

"I dream of writing poems and texts about all the people that I find great and putting them out in the world so that these know they matter, 
they have mattered, to give the human life a value again, to arise the consciousness that we all count and we all influence each other and we can´t be our enemies anymore because we are connected if we like it or not. "

Why don´t you go into human activism? I mean... Art is nice but wisdom is doing.

"I keep forgetting this vision of a unique human interaction, of sex as art, as a sacred, conscious kind of ritual where people bond deeply 
on all levels and touch each other as if they were made out of gold..." 

Mmm... Well since learning about this Osho guy, I think that is a bad idea... 

 

Conclusions: More research needed. This is all old stuff- a lot of other things have been added. Maybe It will be able to combine a couple of these. It will have to clear up Its top values again otherwise this will never work. 

That´s it for 7490 - See you next time.

(°  °)

[Extreme Z7]

So I've been reading your recent entries and honestly, I think you're very weird. . . . . . . looks like I have a lot to learn from you.

[misko55]

@Extreme Z7 , honestly I think that normal people are more weird then weird people , if you catch my drift

@Anna Konstantaki , wow , I loved this inner dialog , if I understood correctly that that was inner dialog. Because it reminds me of mine. Especially about writing , comedy , poems and youtube videos to change other people's lives. And if you are like me , your probably to harsh on yourself.

 

[Anna Konstantaki]

7491

I am doomed... (That is why I am writing so late today).

My laptop screen got smashed by this piece of wood/ shelf that I had crafted into a whitebord. I managed to copy my desktop files halfways blindly onto a USB stick. Now I am writing from a CIP POOL at uni.

Meditation: I was thinking about how the hell I will solve my problems, I am like in this bubble, looking at life from 3rd person perspective and I am thinking: What a tragecomedy.

After yesterdays entry I watched the new video. Well, thank you Leo for reminding me that I suck at preparation... And execution... And well... Yeah I just suck at a lot of things. There is no going back though. I commited to this so I will keep going.

How I would describe my state at the moment: Confused little human chimp child.  I have lists and notes but I am not organized enough and I need to create more reminders. Furthermore I have such a bad feeling of how much time something actually needs. I can barely estimate the hours I have for planing and then doing. I will have to coorporate more calculations into my life. My back up plan? Well my back up plan has usually been that if I screw my self over again I will go become a monk. An asian monk. These guys have always fascinated me. Especially the shaolin monks. I did seven years of martial arts myself (judo), then I discovered dancing... I used to be a disciplined and organised person. I know I can go back to that.

We keep: Organisation, strategy, calculations, volition, observation of self deception. Looks like someone has a lot of work to do. I need to re-watch the video anyways...

For now I have to save myself from another emergency so the value search thing is layed on ice.

That´s it.

(°  °)

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Anna Konstantaki]

@misko55 Yes, I was quoting and commenting on a text I wrote a couple of months ago. I have a lot of dialogs with myself. Good to know I am not alone.

[Anna Konstantaki]

7492

I am in trouble. Again.

7491 was not really efficient. I am like a snail. I remember when I was 6 years old my teacher said to my mum that I was the little grandma of the class. I think there has not changed too much since then.

The display problem ate up almost all day. The one thing that should not happen in any case happened, namely that I lost that USB and the cherry on the tart was that after this realization I tried to logg onto a uni device again, like I did before lunch but it would not let me. I could not fix that before today-as you can see... I am writing again. Anyways, I ended up going upstairs to a friend of mine and he gave me a harddrive to save everything left.

My puffer time is about to be used up completely. I am afraid I will be running around doing last minute work again.

It is interesting to see other peoples perspective on oneself...  I was told  that my brain deals with information very differently than others and that I am often in states that others only get when they are on drugs. I answered that he can have that as well, with meditation for example. He thinks that the way I am makes my life difficult and that he feels sorry for me. Hmm... I could extend on that but I won´t.

Today I meditated but the thought of starting the day was heavy in my mind, so I desided to go to sleep again and then work with recharged batteries. Obviously I have to "save" myself before I can make serious plans about saving the world.

And now ladies and gentlemonkeys, it is time to scan in books and see how many pages per hour I can write...

That´s it. See you next time

(°  °)

 

 

 

[Anna Konstantaki]

7493

All other Options sucked, so It went for the quick fix and bought a new Notebook.

Meditation went sleepy but if It does not accomplish it in the Mornings, then It might not at all.

It Needs to buy this life purpose Course, there is no way around that...

But Money? It could work in summer break.

It´s been almost 2 years since the last time It flew home. If It wants to work then It should stay in Germany.

But It is afraid to go home anyways.

 Working is definitely the better choice.

The question will always be about time and Money.

If you are poor and if you want to do fundamental changes, solve Problems from the root, then  you have to make the choice and start at some Domain in life, hoping that untill you can fix the others, they won´t, like Leo likes to put it, "bite you in the ass".

It is filled with such gratitude though. It is alive!

19 hours ago, Anna Konstantaki said:

 

It is interesting to see other peoples perspective on oneself...  I was told  that my brain deals with information very differently than others and that I am often in states that others only get when they are on drugs. I answered that he can have that as well, with meditation for example. He thinks that the way I am makes my life difficult and that he feels sorry for me. Hmm... I could extend on that but I won´t.

Maybe It should not trust the opinion of a former drug dealer who made a bussiness with his best friend at age 15, made enough Money to travel the world and is currently studying pharmacy...

 

19 hours ago, Anna Konstantaki said:

 

Today I meditated but the thought of starting the day was heavy in my mind, so I desided to go to sleep again and then work with recharged batteries.

It does not know if this was self deception or actually a wise choice. Maybe "escape sleep" is really a Thing.

As you can see, there is no real Progress here, just thoughts and surviving but where is will, there is a way.

See ya.

-(°  °)-

[Anna Konstantaki]

7494

It´s been one week now that I started the Journal.

I started Scratching the Surface of the self deception mechanisms of my tricky mind.

• Story telling
• physical symptoms
• distractions, addictions, excuses-bad Habits as rewards or "exceptions"
• too much bla, bla-overthinking, irrelevant things
• dreaming instead of proper visualizing
• saying I should not take life too serious and not stress myself out

This brain loves homeostasis more than satisfactions endorphines and gaining new abilities, connecting Neurons and adapting... You faulty, faulty wallnut, you. It´s 2016. Evolution... (sigh).

I am not doing my Job. It is as simple as that. When I don´t do my Job I feel stressed, anxious, guilty... I don´t want to fail and I know that I can´t blame the circumstances for the results in my life, because I COULD have prepared and not just reacted. I am still a reactor but People who just react have lost this opportunity for real growth already. A few other inneficient Things I do:

• I do not always bring my thoughts to an end.
• When I do, I don´t write the conclusions down and often just Forget them after a while.
• Not reading enough in my notes.

I made a list of People and traits they have or had, which inspire me but it ain´t complete. (Will it ever?)

Yesterday I took some time to feel, to really feel my Feelings. I forgave myself for the thousand time and decided not to make any promises anymore that I just can´t Keep. I discovered that I was not Meeting my Need for Feeling safety, as well as that I changed my perspective so profoundly that the very same thoughts or memories that used to give me joy, now cause  discomfort and resistance.

Even though my creativity and combinational mind is useful in both the arts and the sciences, I still feel that I can´t give enough room to both aspects of myself while growing. I have been saying that the arts will just be my powerful Hobbies and now, that my spare time goes to self actualization there is this gap about that my inner child is terribly complaining. The percentage of the time I put into my academic work is low. I can´t have it both ways. Mastery does not function this way. Since Little I felt that I do not have time and that I was running and somehow never reaching but a couple of years ago I started taking it even though I had None, not for the Things I did (outside of my responsibilities)... I knew this would have consequences but since about a year ago I started to see that my Intuition was not that bad at all.

I can handle any Situation life throws at me. I can handle any Situation life throws at me. I can handle any Situation life throws at me. I can handle Situation life throws at me. I can handle any Situation life throws-at-me.

Emotions: All my life I have been learning how to fight them, now, only now I am starting to learn how to surrender.

One Phrase that I had forgotten but that changed my life and worldview when I was in my Teens (20 now) was something like this:

" We can learn and re-learn anything-even love". (Leo Buscaglia-not sure if he is spelled that way).

Every single day I have to ask myself: Do you want one marshmallow now, or two marshmallows later?

What is easy? Nothing that gives us something of real value is easy.

 It is not my visual Memory that is bad, it is my emotional.

I have been wondering around in the Palace and lost the oil in the spoon. Most of us have. Just like Santiago from Paulo Coelho´s The Alchemist...

But I have faith, for me and for all of us.

That´s it folks. I will do my Meditation now. See you soon.

.(°  ^)+

 

 

 

 

[Anna Konstantaki]

7494 (after Meditation)

I could end up on the streets, world war 3 might happen,

 

I could die tomorrow but I AM HERE, I am here and

 

NOTHING else matters now. I am HERE in the moment.

 

It is just endless bliss, it is just gratitude for

 

BEING, it is just words, pouring out of me, describing

 

this beauty. The places pass INTO my head THROUGH my

 

eyes and right there, inside of me they ARE,

 

we make the world look good or bad but the world just

 

IS. What success, what strategy, what goals-I am high

 

as ****, I am everything, everywhere, everyone, omnipresent

 

and nothing at the same time. This whole thing is

 

so counterintuitive and so complex and so hard to

 

articulate. All I want is this. This state all the time

 

but I know I will fall again. I will forget. I will

 

judge, I will think, I will lie, I will feel hate and

 

anger and fear and dispare and I will have to move through

 

them. I know that this journey is a lot harder than I thought.

 

When I started with this journey I told my brother that

 

my whole life I have been seeing things through a dusty window,

 

now I opened the window and the bright, is brighter, the green is

 

greender, the dark is darker... All the shades man, just so

 

clear, right there, popping up into my face.

 

Look at those trees... Upside down lungs or dendrites or veins,

 

arteries, bloodvessels, look at this complexity, look!

 

Look at the fibonaci spirals forming this stimulating flower,

 

this mathematical precision. All given. Right there, in

 

front of your eyes to see. Time and space bend... Albert

 

was a poet. Words of passion. And light... Electricity

 

in me in you, beneath my god damn fingers, inside this

 

technological wonder I am tipping on...

 

All this passion from my friends Nicola, Steve and Bill and dozens of

 

others that were extraordinary and changed the world.

 

How can´t you

 

soak it all in? All there is to know about the possibilities

 

of this world? How can´t you want to be a Tessla?

 

How can´t you start researching on your own like a Goethe?

 

How can´t you get inspired? How? How on earth can you

 

be so blind? What madonna- whore effect, what halos?

 

Let the teachers feel, let the students feel, let

 

people feel something. Let me get turned on by

 

reading about thermodynamics or listening to waterfalls,

 

let me be weird. John Lenon was a wise man: LET IT BE.

 

The only way to take the trash out of YOUR HEAD.

 

Do you know what these prodigies had in common?

 

I will tell you... They just were. They just did.

 

They just LOVED. Oh man they just loved every single

 

headache when they worked untill exhaustion.

 

Do you know what real masochism is? Getting closer

 

to death while doing what you love.

 

I sound crazy? Crazy? An ADJECTIVE?! Do you really

 

think I will stop because of an adjective?

 

I am making myself vulnerable-absolutely vulnerable.

 

I am giving away my thoughts, I am giving away my

 

dreams, I am giving away my emotions, my weaknesses,

 

my strenths, my name, my age and where I live.

 

All one by one. For me the fear is over.

 

I am in peace now and I am very human and I might

 

regret doing this one day but I want to give truth,

 

to ME. I won´t make any distinctions between ME and

 

the others. I AM the others in a way.

 

In January I met a man on a 7 hour Flixbus ride, he said:

 

Let me tell you a secret Anna... Everything in life comes in

 

circles. How right he is.  "God bless" that man.

 

I don´t have a microscop to look at the telemeres at the

 

end of my chromosomes, I don´t know how long I will live.

 

But when I feel this. This thing right now then I feel

 

eternal. That´s all I wanted to add.

-(*  *)-

 

[Anna Konstantaki]

7495

No more " airy-fairy" stuff.

In don´t have time for the course now. I have integrated it into my future plans though.

For the next months I will be just working on my habits and stay on track with the videos.

Meditation: Started well, went into a dip, almost fell asleep but finished fine.

Words are cheap+ see you next time.

-(°  °)-

[Anna Konstantaki]

7496

 

Started sleeping on matts again. (Yes, I do have a bed).

My new notebook is refusing to start. I did not do anything. I know it was cheap but break down after a couple of days?

Gratitude... Yea, how far am I suppost to take this? At least I have good mood. I was singing "you are my sunshine, my only sunshine" while walking here. Maybe this place is better because at least here are no distractions...

Meditation went fine.

I don´t know if I am doing overall better or worse in life.  -Bye.

-(°  °)-

 

[misko55]

@Anna Konstantaki sometimes it needs to get worse to get better

[Anna Konstantaki]

7497

Super late today but it is Sunday and Leo released a new video.

I have seen a lot of arrogant super rational people in my life but I know that these post rationals Leo talks about exist as well and yes, the world needs those so badly. There are these channels on youtube like Martimer81 and Coolhardlogic who make fun of pseudoscientific claims of other channels but they are exactly  that kind of people where you can see that they have something miserable about them. They do a great job uncovering irrationalism but they are too stuck in their rationalism. I like science and I get inspired by scientists but their photos are no longer on my walls... When I saw that I can´t go along with people who don´t appeal to logic but then also saw that I do not fit with people who need reasons and explanations for everything I got in this kind of identity crisis. That really messed me up. I did not know what to believe anymore. When I listened to Leo talking about awareness the first time, I felt like that I found something that might give me a solution to this problem. Now I see how the dots have to be connected. "Illusion to study illusion". I am having trouble to motivate myself to keep learning about scientific concepts when I think that way.

"Go into the matrix to talk to you". That is why I set the question of how I do convince myself that if I keep going to uni and gather skills for applications and jobs is better than working on awareness. Except of the fact that I need to prepare myself for somehow sustaining my life costs, I had the allegory of the cave in mind... I can´t let the other prisoners in there... I need to go back and free them. How? I go back into the matrix. Communicate through it. That kind of splits me every day. I know I can let go of my hunger for "understanding" the world with my mind but then I will be alien to the most and unable to appeal to the ones who look at great minds like gods and use science as a dogma. 

Last semester I was asked what I am studying and I answered linguistics/language science and you? That guy said: I study physics. You know... REAL science. He had no clue what linguistics are and that is fine but he really thought he was something better, he really thought that he is doing something that makes sense and is of real value. For him, even though I could reason and think, I was already a nobody after maybe five minutes of small talk. Now lets go meditate and see you soon.

-(°  °)-

[Anna Konstantaki]

I know I said see you soon but I did not think it would be that soon.

During meditation I saw all these thoughts about school and teachers and death and that old classmate I just read that died. For one year we were even sitting at the very same desk but that was back at my very introvert times so we never got to know each other that much. She was always somewhat fatique I remember. We got along well. She did not live far from me and once she was taken by the ambulance because she had an epileptic episode. On facebook someone wrote she heard she died from a twisted tounge. So yes... Count one plus one... This is insane, I mean she was just 21 years old. Her lifestyle was not the healthiest too but damn... What are these lives? Nothing. When I was a child I thought a lot about death... Back then I did not know that people don´t die from old age but from disease and injury. I kind of thought that getting old does also mean getting sick. 

Anyways, this is irrelevant to my self development. I could basically start sharing my life story now because thinking back triggers a million thoughts. I just want to dream that one day self actualization will be incorporated in the educational system. Society would profit from that... Now let´s be grateful for life and move on. 

,(°  °)-