I am nobody and yet I am

[Zeal]

Hello, Leo and forum members my name is Josh and I've been working on growth my entire life.

Before getting into the subject of my post I'll share some background as to what brings me to this.

It started in my youth with parents that were ultimately emotionally saturated themselves so in raising the 3 offsprings it resulted in everyone one of us being diagnosed with something at one time.

I went deep into the psychology that makes it far to easy to just blame my parents for pretty much everything wrong. Because psychology has this habit of forgetting the nature of the plasticity of the brain and more or less shove medications down my throat instead of getting into proper kinds of therapy.
More or less majority of the psychiatrists in this area are a materialist and worthless for real growth.
The sad thing is even some of the local college professors deeply agreed that the area I am in is quite lackluster in real psychological growth. (I am not attending the college, my S.O is.)

This combined with my addiction to social media in my youth and being mostly isolated from human interaction. I ended up deeply into technology. Which did not help at all? (Or did it...)

I have always been told by my parents and siblings that I think to much or that I'm to negative.
Today through reflection I realize that everyone often loved to tell me what I did or did not do of the positive natures and yet not a single person had the wisdom to go any further in actually teaching me higher forms of thought and expressions.

So, instead, I grew up being compulsively compared and demeaned by either father or mother. Typically the mother would lash out and scream things like "you are just like your father".

These kinds of patterns sort of imprinted upon me and I've struggled my entire life just being acceptable.
That is psychologically I am told to have OCPD, obsessive-compulsive personality disorder.
Which a personality disorder can make sense after being raised I'm such a scenario.

This is a unique disorder in that a significant part of it is the overwhelming level emotion can be felt. But, personally, I find the most ruminating aspect of it is the increased default awareness.

Without getting too wordy before ever even finding these videos or starting this work I intuitively knew that I was not properly connected to the body or spirit.
I knew that I was consumed by the mind.
In fact, I've known this since my teen years. But, there was no real concept to this. As in during that time I was fully dissolved into the mind.


I have a skill in that my analysis of the self is just there. I simply never learned how to do it properly. So, as anyone can imagine I remained consumed and pulled by the variety of life.

I can look at my past and accept that it's possible my parents did not love me.
But, I can also consider that I may be and have been too blind to perceive their love.


In fact, the relationship I am currently in I also discusses with my significant other details about love and the nature of it in the relationship.
While I don't like to mention it we are young, I am 24 and she is 21.
I can freely discuss the possibility that I do not love her or feel the great magnitude of something that is described as love.
I also sometimes add reassurance that it could also be I am too blocked to be able to perceive her love for me properly.
I am still not actually sure if she can handle this. I notice many aspects of the relationship that signify attachment more overly than true love.
I allow faith that it grows with time and choice.
But, I also perceive the possibility that I could be entirely wrong and it may not grow.

I've also gone as far as discussing the possibility that "I" am currently manipulating everyone in my family. I've discussed the reality that this neurosis I have must be the choice of "something" in this life. For years I battled with the concepts of existence and where these so-called disorders truly unravel.

This perception I have of being a manipulator likely started because that was one of the things I was often said to be in my youth, by my family no less. But, today I don't necessarily give the idea power simply for that end or even consider it necessarily a negative. What I'm learning is simply put everyone manipulates. That isn't what is wrong. What becomes wrong is simply any limiting perception that says that any other thing is wrong. That is to say, there is no right choice. This concept of it being right or wrong is always formed after the fact or through observations of another being.


Overall my current persona is deeply conflicted by neurosis. Reality is entirely unsettled.

I have gone through suicidal phases in life.
Instead of "the voice in my head" saying positive, reassuring, or really anything else. It says "you are not allowed to die yet".
While the body is attempting to kill itself this thought just starts and repeats over and over.


I have never once felt "in control".
But, I am not sure how to teach this persona to let go of its belief of control.
Or simply how to adjust it adequately that allows inner peace.


If I had to say what is wrong with me it is that I can see the strings of this reality and I have no idea what to do with this.

The more of your videos I watch the more the inner voice says. Uhuh yes, that is accurate.
I am not mind fucked, mind blown, or even slightly disturbed.

This is either the result of a deeply seeded awareness growth as a result of the isolation I had experienced
Or
I am so self-deceived that I cannot even perceive the mind fucking that occurs.

It is my intrinsic ability to constantly question and be in question of the self. This tends to actually extend into everything.

I realize it may be my choice to choose the values or underlying concepts that are intended to drive this life. But, I do not choose. I simply exist. At least that at times is what I tell my self. Without the action of this choice will reality ever be possible?


I seek ego destruction entirely. Humorously the time there was access to drugs that could aid I chose not to. Now, while eager of the experience the access is nonexistent.

 

I'm not really even sure what this post is here for. But, it is now.

 

 

Edit:

I remember also having considered the possibility of inducing multiple personality disorder in myself.

In that a perfectly split human being between the 2 personas of an enlightened mind and a not enlightened mind. This to some may just reiterate a lack of understanding. But, then again if my reality is not chosen what is there to limit "me".

Edited May 18, 2018 by Zeal

[Ether]

There is multiple meditations you can through out your day. Do them. Thats what worked for me.

Walking, eating, focusing meditation. Just do one or all of them through out all your days