Grateful for an answer

[nour-cha93]

It has been two years now since I started watching videos and reading books about self actualization.

Those videos and books have answered millions of questions that I have been searching for answers for.

I still have a question that I have been asking myself recently. 

Life coaches tell us to get rid of negative emotions by meditation, acceptance, letting life flow .. etc

At the same time, I hear them talking about cutting people that are rude, negative, toxic .. etc out of our lives.

Why would a person avoid negative people when he is able to be around them and not be affected (we will keep dealing with them anyways) and also, why should a person take action to stop negative behavior such as rudeness (like confrontation, complaints, reporting .. etc) while it is possible to accept rudeness, disrespectful behaviors and offences.

 

 

[YaNanNallari]

If life coaches tell us to get rid of something then they must have some idea why we should do that. By meditating and learning we can come to deeper answers and see for ourselves why one were to do it. I do agree with Leo on that it is a good idea to become a guru yourself. Only then will you have deeper understanding, as words and thoughts can only reach so far.

For people it is generally difficult to let go of negative habits if they're around negative people that constantly reinforce them. We build up shame and the same negative habits as others easily and it can become difficult to see what is outside of all that. We do not have to run away from negative people, but if nobody tells us to get not be around them we usually stick to the things that keep us close to them. When we haven't mastered ourselves, dealing with other people in a smart way is very tricky. There is no arguing with many people and that's all they're willing to do. Of course we can accept rudeness and such. Do you think then we will just put up with it? We will then surely make it so that people will be less rude to us. How one goes about that is another question.

[nour-cha93]

6 hours ago, YaNanNallari said:

If life coaches tell us to get rid of something then they must have some idea why we should do that. By meditating and learning we can come to deeper answers and see for ourselves why one were to do it. I do agree with Leo on that it is a good idea to become a guru yourself. Only then will you have deeper understanding, as words and thoughts can only reach so far.

For people it is generally difficult to let go of negative habits if they're around negative people that constantly reinforce them. We build up shame and the same negative habits as others easily and it can become difficult to see what is outside of all that. We do not have to run away from negative people, but if nobody tells us to get not be around them we usually stick to the things that keep us close to them. When we haven't mastered ourselves, dealing with other people in a smart way is very tricky. There is no arguing with many people and that's all they're willing to do. Of course we can accept rudeness and such. Do you think then we will just put up with it? We will then surely make it so that people will be less rude to us. How one goes about that is another question.

Do you mean that it is impossible to develop yourself while dealing with negative people? and that is why we should try our best to minimize the negativity? by confrontation, reporting .. etc

[YaNanNallari]

3 minutes ago, nour-cha93 said:

Do you mean that it is impossible to develop yourself while dealing with negative people? and that is why we should try our best to minimize the negativity? by confrontation, reporting .. etc

It is generally more difficult, not impossible by any means. Minimizing it might take it a bit too far, as many people are difficult to change anyway. But we can confront etc to make our environments better. Often things related to just us can be fixed already in the moment by standing back up to someone, even if the situation wouldn't look super spiritual.

[zoey101]

12 hours ago, nour-cha93 said:

Why would a person avoid negative people when he is able to be around them and not be affected (we will keep dealing with them anyways) and also, why should a person take action to stop negative behavior such as rudeness (like confrontation, complaints, reporting .. etc) while it is possible to accept rudeness, disrespectful behaviors and offences.

I think you cut them out if/when their negativity is hindering you in some way. Like if you are being directly brought down or if you are spending too much time trying to help and they are seemingly making no attempts to try and be better. It's not your job to fix them, but it's also not your job to be their free therapist that they can dump their issues on for free and then do nothing to actually resolve anything in their lives.

[Charlotte]

@nour-cha93  I totally understand what your saying. I would think it comes down to how much negativity and toxicity? I actually find these sort of characters 'testing' for me. It also depends how much time you spend with such people. I think there behaviour (if spent a lot of time with) can manifest in you. But I mean why would you want to be around this people? What I've come to notice is the more I grow the more I literally am drawn AWAY from such people. I've even cut off family because I just don't want to be around these types of people... Naturally. 

[7thLetter]

Sometimes the problem with self-help gurus or coaches, is the fact that they give us the theory that comes from the perspective of someone who is already at a 'higher' or a different level, than their audience. So a lot of the time you hear coaches saying something like "You need to be detached from outcome." Then some of the people in that audience would ask questions like, "Why detachment? Does that mean I just sit around do nothing and not go for what I want then?"

You get rid negative people in your life because in a way they tend to affect you on a subconscious level. It may not seem like it in the moment, but its like the snowball effect. It affects you little by little until it turns into something a lot bigger. Sure the more and more you develop yourself, you're able to deal with negativity more effectively, but I think at any level that you're at in your development it would affect you in either a major or a minor way depending on where you're at. To deal with it completely? That could be several years down the road for most people, and maybe some people are already there. Humans tend to affect other humans at a subconscious level more than you think. Think about how people develop accents? Why do people have British accents? Is it because they were born with it? How do most people find an interest in watching sports? It's most likely more a social thing rather than a genuine interest in watching sports. Even when you were a child you were probably picking up little things from the people you grew up with. There's a popular quote by Jim Rohn that says something like "You're The Average Of The Five People You Spend The Most Time With." Which is true. If you're hanging out with negative people all the time, you will become just like them. You'll start having a negative attitude towards life and the world, you'll start dressing like them, eating like them, talking like them, doing things like them, etc. Which can be a problem.

And one more thing to add, just like with anything else in personal development, there’s always some traps to be aware of. And that trap is to be careful not to avoid negativity in a neurotic way. For example, constantly looking for negativity and avoiding it just because that’s what the theory said. Such as hearing a negative statement from a friend and covering your ears and cutting him out of your life completely because he said something negative. Things like that. Once you’re actually growing, getting rid negativity should come naturally rather than avoiding it because that’s what you heard from a video.

Edited May 19, 2018 by 7thLetter

[Nahm]

@nour-cha93 There’s no such thing as a negative person, really. 

[nour-cha93]

13 hours ago, Charlotte said:

@nour-cha93  I totally understand what your saying. I would think it comes down to how much negativity and toxicity? I actually find these sort of characters 'testing' for me. It also depends how much time you spend with such people. I think there behaviour (if spent a lot of time with) can manifest in you. But I mean why would you want to be around this people? What I've come to notice is the more I grow the more I literally am drawn AWAY from such people. I've even cut off family because I just don't want to be around these types of people... Naturally. 

Thanks a lot charlotte. I do not hesitate to cut people immediatly once they have shown they are toxic and I did this many times.

Actually when I cut someone toxic I feel relieved.

The problem is dealing with people you cannot avoid like a work colleague, parents, boss ... etc.

[nour-cha93]

8 hours ago, 7thLetter said:

Sometimes the problem with self-help gurus or coaches, is the fact that they give us the theory that comes from the perspective of someone who is already at a 'higher' or a different level, than their audience. So a lot of the time you hear coaches saying something like "You need to be detached from outcome." Then some of the people in that audience would ask questions like, "Why detachment? Does that mean I just sit around do nothing and not go for what I want then?"

You get rid negative people in your life because in a way they tend to affect you on a subconscious level. It may not seem like it in the moment, but its like the snowball effect. It affects you little by little until it turns into something a lot bigger. Sure the more and more you develop yourself, you're able to deal with negativity more effectively, but I think at any level that you're at in your development it would affect you in either a major or a minor way depending on where you're at. To deal with it completely? That could be several years down the road for most people, and maybe some people are already there. Humans tend to affect other humans at a subconscious level more than you think. Think about how people develop accents? Why do people have British accents? Is it because they were born with it? How do most people find an interest in watching sports? It's most likely more a social thing rather than a genuine interest in watching sports. Even when you were a child you were probably picking up little things from the people you grew up with. There's a popular quote by Jim Rohn that says something like "You're The Average Of The Five People You Spend The Most Time With." Which is true. If you're hanging out with negative people all the time, you will become just like them. You'll start having a negative attitude towards life and the world, you'll start dressing like them, eating like them, talking like them, doing things like them, etc. Which can be a problem.

And one more thing to add, just like with anything else in personal development, there’s always some traps to be aware of. And that trap is to be careful not to avoid negativity in a neurotic way. For example, constantly looking for negativity and avoiding it just because that’s what the theory said. Such as hearing a negative statement from a friend and covering your ears and cutting him out of your life completely because he said something negative. Things like that. Once you’re actually growing, getting rid negativity should come naturally rather than avoiding it because that’s what you heard from a video.

I agree with you on the difference between an established and not fully developed mind. (which is my case)

I prefer to deal with it and try to minimize it rather than covering my eyes and ears or escape from it.

But then even negativity minimizing solutions do not work all the time, some people are too stubborn and they take everything you say and do personal. So for example, if you confront them, they think you are attacking them or blaming them or want to hurt them. We can always cut people from our lives ofcourse but some people are meant to be around you for too long!! 

 

[nour-cha93]

8 hours ago, Nahm said:

@nour-cha93 There’s no such thing as a negative person, really. 

I mean by negative the people who give you negative vibes by being rude, always anxious, envious. I am talking about consistent behavior with no will to change that it eventually affects you. 

Can you elaborate please.

 

[Nahm]

@nour-cha93 To the degree you have inquired into yourself, you have inquired into others. If you’ve gone through, to nothing, you’ve done the same with others. You’d see their attitudes and actions for what they are, relativity, maya, you wouldn’t see them as negative, you’d see them as wanting to be happy, igonrant, and lost, like you once were. If you want to be unaffected by others, know thy self. There’s no assertion. Another person is not making you feel a single thing, it is your thoughts which make you feel “their” negative vibes. You can’t be free of this while you blame. 

If you want to see for yourself there is no assertion, give up ever needing to be understood. 

[nour-cha93]

16 minutes ago, Nahm said:

@nour-cha93 To the degree you have inquired into yourself, you have inquired into others. If you’ve gone through, to nothing, you’ve done the same with others. You’d see their attitudes and actions for what they are, relativity, maya, you wouldn’t see them as negative, you’d see them as wanting to be happy, igonrant, and lost, like you once were. If you want to be unaffected by others, know thy self. There’s no assertion. Another person is not making you feel a single thing, it is your thoughts which make you feel “their” negative vibes. You can’t be free of this while you blame. 

If you want to see for yourself there is no assertion, give up ever needing to be understood. 

Yes I agree thank you. I think when Leo says stay away from toxic people he is talking to people who are in the beginning of their self development path. 

[Osm]

22 minutes ago, Nahm said:

@nour-cha93 To the degree you have inquired into yourself, you have inquired into others. If you’ve gone through, to nothing, you’ve done the same with others. You’d see their attitudes and actions for what they are, relativity, maya, you wouldn’t see them as negative, you’d see them as wanting to be happy, igonrant, and lost, like you once were. If you want to be unaffected by others, know thy self. There’s no assertion. Another person is not making you feel a single thing, it is your thoughts which make you feel “their” negative vibes. You can’t be free of this while you blame. 

If you want to see for yourself there is no assertion, give up ever needing to be understood. 

@Nahm Im litterly taking notes of what you say lol

Your answers are so profound man, keep up the good work!

[7thLetter]

@nour-cha93 I completely understand. In some cases its not that easy to cut people out of your life. In my case for example, I live in a very psychologically unhealthy household. I’d say we come from a lower-class background. Got me, my mom, dad, brother and sister living together. Parents are always asking me and my siblings for money. Dad is always hoping that he’ll make it some day with lottery tickets. My mom is extremely extroverted so everything she thinks you hear so she’s always complaining, especially to her friends she talks to everyday on the phone. Both brother and sister are on medications for ADHD. And a ton more that I won’t include here. I talk to them a little bit but even ignoring them is psychologically unhealthy for me to do so I’m stuck either way. But in no way are they abusive or selfish. They’re actually really caring and parents just want the best for us. I can’t really blame them for who they are because nature has made them that way. I can say that when I was 18, it was a bigger problem for me than it is now at 22. These days I love my life. I don’t think about what I don’t have as much, I always appreciate what I do have. Personal development has literally changed my whole attitude towards life. Although if you’re dealing with a narcissist, it can be difficult for almost anyone.

And by the way, the fact that you say “some people are meant to be around you for so long” is a limiting belief. You literally can even take an extreme route, hop on a plane tomorrow morning and just fly to another country and never have to see them again. Of course money is an obstacle, but try to handle that first. In my case I ‘can’ move out and would love to but I’m here to help out and leave when the time is right. Still handling my money situation at the moment.

And sorry for putting my life story out there, I kind of get the idea that most people don’t care to hear about other people’s stories, but I try to do it as little as possible

Edited May 19, 2018 by 7thLetter

[nour-cha93]

32 minutes ago, 7thLetter said:

@nour-cha93 I completely understand. In some cases its not that easy to cut people out of your life. In my case for example, I live in a very psychologically unhealthy household. I’d say we come from a lower-class background. Got me, my mom, dad, brother and sister living together. Parents are always asking me and my siblings for money. Dad is always hoping that he’ll make it some day with lottery tickets. My mom is extremely extroverted so everything she thinks you hear so she’s always complaining, especially to her friends she talks to everyday on the phone. Both brother and sister are on medications for ADHD. And a ton more that I won’t include here. I talk to them a little bit but even ignoring them is psychologically unhealthy for me to do so I’m stuck either way. But in no way are they abusive or selfish. They’re actually really caring and parents just want the best for us. I can’t really blame them for who they are because nature has made them that way. I can say that when I was 18, it was a bigger problem for me than it is now at 22. These days I love my life. I don’t think about what I don’t have as much, I always appreciate what I do have. Personal development has literally changed my whole attitude towards life. Although if you’re dealing with a narcissist, it can be difficult for almost anyone.

And by the way, the fact that you say “some people are meant to be around you for so long” is a limiting belief. You literally can even take an extreme route, hop on a plane tomorrow morning and just fly to another country and never have to see them again. Of course money is an obstacle, but try to handle that first. In my case I ‘can’ move out and would love to but I’m here to help out and leave when the time is right. Still handling my money situation at the moment.

And sorry for putting my life story out there, I kind of get the idea that most people don’t care to hear about other people’s stories, but I try to do it as little as possible

 

32 minutes ago, 7thLetter said:

@nour-cha93 I completely understand. In some cases its not that easy to cut people out of your life. In my case for example, I live in a very psychologically unhealthy household. I’d say we come from a lower-class background. Got me, my mom, dad, brother and sister living together. Parents are always asking me and my siblings for money. Dad is always hoping that he’ll make it some day with lottery tickets. My mom is extremely extroverted so everything she thinks you hear so she’s always complaining, especially to her friends she talks to everyday on the phone. Both brother and sister are on medications for ADHD. And a ton more that I won’t include here. I talk to them a little bit but even ignoring them is psychologically unhealthy for me to do so I’m stuck either way. But in no way are they abusive or selfish. They’re actually really caring and parents just want the best for us. I can’t really blame them for who they are because nature has made them that way. I can say that when I was 18, it was a bigger problem for me than it is now at 22. These days I love my life. I don’t think about what I don’t have as much, I always appreciate what I do have. Personal development has literally changed my whole attitude towards life. Although if you’re dealing with a narcissist, it can be difficult for almost anyone.

And by the way, the fact that you say “some people are meant to be around you for so long” is a limiting belief. You literally can even take an extreme route, hop on a plane tomorrow morning and just fly to another country and never have to see them again. Of course money is an obstacle, but try to handle that first. In my case I ‘can’ move out and would love to but I’m here to help out and leave when the time is right. Still handling my money situation at the moment.

And sorry for putting my life story out there, I kind of get the idea that most people don’t care to hear about other people’s stories, but I try to do it as little as possible

Haha for me, every story is inspiring in some way. thanks for sharing. 

I like the saying "everyone you meet knows something that you do not know" and I consider myself a good listener

In my culture, parents are another issue. If you are right or wrong you should always apologize to them, if you are right or wrong you should always agree with them, if you are right or wrong you should always do what they want you to do. And I'm not talking here about my parents only, all parents in my society think they have done a miracle by having kids, and that they should be forever appreciated and honored for that. 

So being a middle eastern, even if you dearly love your parents and they dearly love you, they would rarely support your self growth (unconsciously)

[Guest Quanty]

What you accept, you become. CAUTION! 

[nour-cha93]

1 hour ago, Quanty said:

What you accept, you become. CAUTION! 

What do you mean.