The Alchemist

[zenjen]

My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy

What I've Overcome

• Depression/most anxiety/bipolar disorder
• Suicidal Ideations for almost 15 years
• Coming clean about old childhood memories that caused me trauma
• Two stays at the mental hospital
• Hallucinations
• Social Anxiety
• Fear of dying
• Codependency
• Nihilism

What I've Learned

• Integrity over everything
• Let yourself feel your emotions, sit with them until they disappear
• Energy and anxiety can be channelled in a healthy way through artistic pursuits
• I am being divinely led through this life
• Everything you truly want manifests itself before your eyes, learn from the hard times
• Life doesn't actually suck, it's meant to be a journey of learning
• Everything and everyone is connected to each other, we are all made of the same energy manifested in different forms
• Reality is like a mirror image reflecting back on itself
• People aren't actually as bad as you think
• Love what you have been given in this life
• Have faith in a higher source
• My purpose in life is to help others

 

 

[zenjen]

Life Improvements

• Talking to and hanging out with friends again
• Getting into a regular nighttime and morning routine
• Working on a passion project
• Keeping my room nice and clean/organized
• Memory improvement
• Finding out what I like again, not what my partner liked
• Making to-do lists again
• Exercising regularly
• Promoted at work, getting attention from my manager for showing so much initiative
• Found a roommate for August
• Not responding to guys who are hitting on me just because they are giving me attention now that I'm single again
• Having an "if it's meant to be, it'll happen for me" attitude towards life
• Came to orgasm for the first time without anyone's help *NSFW

Setbacks

• Started smoking cigarettes again, but I have faith that I can cut back and then quit
• Screwed up my sleep schedule last night by going to bed late
   

 

Edited May 20, 2018 by zenjen

[zenjen]

Better Man

So I went on a date yesterday with the guy I've been crushing on for a long time. He's almost like my twin, we see life the exact same way and seem to want the same things out of life. He seems to be almost effortlessly enlightened. The day was amazing, we waded and made out by the river by my house. He loves it out in the country where I live, he's never been. But, I couldn't help thinking about someone else who has been on my mind for a while too. Someone who I poured my heart out to and didn't want any part of it. Do I even deserve someone who likes me so much? Should I rip this off early like a band-aid? I'm not sure, maybe I'm just not ready for anything serious yet. But I know this guy I went out with likes me A LOT, and he's such a sweetheart. I've never felt this way before; torn between someone who wants me and someone who doesn't. Any advice would be appreciated.

 

 

 

Edited May 27, 2018 by zenjen

[zenjen]

Why So Serious?

"We need not worry for we are never broken beyond repair."

So I noticed there's an epidemic on this forum of people taking themselves far too seriously. I myself am very guilty of this, some days I think my problems and shortcomings and proving my misfortune to others are some of the most important things I should be focusing energy on. I think sometimes we like to feel validated in this way. But, life isn't meant to be serious. There's literally nothing to do here but simply to live. So what if you never get to the root of your childhood issues, so what if your relationship with your family sucks, so what if you can't seem to ever finish anything you start. SO WHAT IF YOU BECOME ENLIGHTENED. Congrats, you spent half your life in solitude in an empty room, but hey, you do you. As Leo might say, stop your "should" statements and start living life for what it is, which is in the end just one big complex game that you will never be able to win or lose. The fact that there isn't a prize to be won, no real point in life, isn't depressing. It's uplifting if you look at it in the right context. You can create the meaning yourself or with people that you love. My life purpose wasn't thrust upon me in a single moment of clarity, I wrote it for myself and I continue to do so. In this process, I edit, revise, and move pieces around daily in order to maximize my fulfilment. You never stop learning, so your purpose should never stop changing. Let this inspire you and not scare the shit out of you.

 

 

Edited June 12, 2018 by zenjen

[zenjen]

Reborn

When I was in the hospital the first time, I gave away the slippers that my mother had brought for me the first day that I was there. There was a girl complaining about her feet and without even thinking about it I offered her the slippers that I was wearing in exchange for her hospital issued sandals. I sarcastically called these sandals my “Jesus slippers” because they looked like plastic versions of something from 7 B.C. This didn’t seem like a big deal until the next time I visited the hospital (while thinking I was the new messiah) and saw the same slippers leaning up against the wall. Thinking that they were the exact same ones I gave away almost a year prior, I fell to the ground and cried in disbelief. This is the beginning of my story.

 

I was off the chain, I was often drained
I was off the meds, I was called insane
What an awesome thing, engulfed in shame

Edited August 1, 2018 by zenjen

[zenjen]

Mood

Quote

Lord rain down on me so I can move on water
Like children at the altar, like God inside my house
I love you, I love you, you looking holy like Mama
You made a church out of feathers
So when she fly to the Father
She know the choir gon' follow and all the offering paid
She gave my name away to your holy house
She like my blessings in disguise
She like her Jesus mountain high
So he can watch her lonely child
I know my God
I know my God seen his breaks and his edges
A jacket for giving that painted his city in gold
Like everything is everything
Like all them days he prayed with me
Like emptiness was tamed in me
And all that was left was his love
And all that was left was his love
And all that was left was his love

4

 

Edited August 1, 2018 by zenjen

[zenjen]

Giving up on Philosophy?

“Everything you need to know you have learned through your journey.”
― Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist

I decided I want to give up on filling my head with philosophy, at least for the moment. I have figured out what all philosophy means: nothing. It's actually more of a distraction to doing consciousness work and I decided it's not helping me anymore. I want to start actually practising spirituality instead of listening to people talk about it. I want to be in the moment more, not thinking in circles about it. I want to start filling in this journal with practical exercises that I'm doing to try to heal myself emotionally.

There will be an answer, let it be.

 

Edited August 7, 2018 by zenjen

[zenjen]

A Mundane Life Update

“How am I supposed to be f*cking zen when there is a mysterious poo in my garden of enlightenment?”
― United States of Tara

It is my first week in my new apartment and I'm still feeling a little nervous about it. I'm living close to 8 mile now, it's where I go to do my grocery shopping. I live on the southern outskirts of two rather nice cities that are just north of Detroit, so it's a little closer to the 'hood than I've ever been, but it's the only place near work that my roommate and I could reasonably afford. I've never lived in a place where I was the minority, it feels a little weird and kind of scary truthfully, but I think I'll become used to it. I feel like I'm more on my own now than I've ever been, I'm working two jobs and back in school, back to doing my own cooking/grocery shopping and such. From the outside it seems I am a perfectly functioning adult, but it truthfully does feel a little lonely at times. Actually, I feel pretty lonely right now as I'm writing this. I thought I'd be happier with my emotional and physical freedom. I find myself missing the company of my old partner, even though I know that I didn't belong with him. Right now my roommate is asleep, I just drank a cup of coffee, and I have no one to talk to. So what better place to go than the internet?

 

 

[RendHeaven]

I absolutely adore the Alchemist!

[phoenix666]

@zenjen have you watched Leo's video about loneliness, my dear? helped me a lot

in my experience, loneliness starts to dissolve as soon as I shine the light of awareness on it. no distractions, face it. sit with it, observe it. feel the emptiness of it, see it unravel 

<3

[zenjen]

Balance - 2019

"When you want something, all of the universe conspires in helping you achieve it"
― Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist

I've been trying to put some time into quiet contemplation and reflection for the past few days. It's been one hell of a ride this year. I've been needing to take the time to think about where I've been, what I've learned, and where I plan on going next. What better time than the new year to contemplate these things?

I decided that I wanted to come up with a theme this year, I guess you could say that my theme for the past 2 years was finding happiness. Now that I finally feel more at peace with the Universe, I want my focus to shift to stability/balance, which is something I definitely need more of in my life.

Balance Themes

• Theory and action
• Working and relaxation
• Dreaming and planning
• Saving and spending (Budgeting)
• Being healthy and treating myself

2019 Goals (*Top Five)

• Health*
  • Diet
  • Exercise regularly
  • Quit smoking and vaping
• Strive to do my absolute best at work
• Create a demo reel for animation
• Improve AfterEffects skills*
• Set up my classes for the next year and finish school
• Make a new friend
• Nurture existing friendships
• Travel to a new place
• Make more time for writing
• Write my story, continue outlining and developing characters/plot
• Spend more time drawing
• Continue to save money and control spending
• Get back into setting goals and making action plans*
• Spend time reflecting/contemplating each week*
• Spend time reading (away from the computer) each week
• Put time into visualization for my future goals
• Define my life purpose in clearer terms
• Keep my room clean*
   

 

Edited December 6, 2018 by zenjen

[zenjen]

Start with Why

“Sow a thought and you reap an action; sow an act and you reap a habit; sow a habit and you reap a character; sow a character and you reap a destiny.”
― Ralph Waldo Emerson

I think the why is just as important to think about as the how when we make goals. I don't want to strive after something for weak reasons that won't stick when the going gets rough. So today I am contemplating why my top goals are important to me. My action plan is going to come soon after.

1. Health
Why this goal?
Health is going to be very important as a approach 30. Around that age I suspect my health habits to solidify and I want to start implementing in small steps now because it's going to become a bigger deal the older I get. This is something I've put off for a long time, I've been using my normal BMI and lack of symptoms as an excuse not to change anything health-wise. I did start working out every single day and carefully watching what I ate back in October, but the changes didn't stick after I went on a week-long vacation and I saw my habits crash and burn. I want to quit smoking and vaping for obvious reasons, like cancer and wrinkles and having a voice that sounds like a dying goat. An added bonus is I just feel so much better and more energetic when I'm working out and eating right.

2. Improve AfterEffects skills
Why this goal?
I want to have a solid foundation in AfterEffects because I have a strong feeling that I won't be able to make it as easily in the future as a graphic designer without this knowledge. So I suppose this is partly driven by fear, but not completely. I have a fantasy where I'm working as an animator/director at Disney/Pixar or Cartoon Network. In order to get my foot in the door at these companies, I think learning motion graphics and animation in AfterEffects is a good place to start. I got a substantial raise and a job offer this year based on my new ability to create video ads, and want to secure my future at my current company because I have a feeling that I will be there for at least another year. I like to make videos more than I like to create static designs as I'm currently finding out. Maybe one day that will change again but I'm going to ride this wave and see where it takes me.

3. Get back into setting goals and making action plans
Why this goal?
I really just gotta get more organized. Since I've been out of the hospital, I've just been taking the days as they come, not even thinking about life more than a week in advance. This actually works fine for me, but I feel like I want to get as much juice out of life as I can, and I think the way to do that is to start getting clearer about where I want to go and how I want to get there. I'm not looking at my goals as if they all need to be done. I'm not even looking at them with a sense of urgency, really. My goals are just like putting icing on the cake that is my life right now. I just want be more strategic about the way I'm spending my time this year in hopes that I can become an even better version of myself.

4. Spend time reflecting/contemplating each week
Why this goal?
This is something that just feels good. I feel just by writing this, in a way I am reflecting and contemplating right now. I can put aside the theory and the learning for awhile and just focus on myself, relax, and think about whatever arises. There are so many distractions that we use to run away from our thoughts. I'd just like to sit with them for awhile each week (preferably away from technology) and work through things on my own.

5. Keep my room clean
Why this goal?
I've just been letting my room get messy lately and I don't like it. It makes me feel frazzled. I feel like if my room is cleaner, it will reflect in cleaning up other areas of my life. I can organize things and get myself together easier. I like the idea of coming home after a long day of work and seeing a room that doesn't need to be completely cleaned. I have a particularly habit of throwing my laundry on the floor that I need to get out of.

[zenjen]

Action

"There's nothing as unstoppable as a freight train full of fuck-yeah"
— Jen Sincero

Here we go, about to plan some shit and hope I can stick with it.

1. Health

• Start using my diet tracking app again
  • By January 2nd
• Start exercising using PIIT
  • By January 2nd
  • Choose 3 days per week (probably saturday, monday, tuesday)
• Enroll in Zumba with my roommate
  • Starting December 9th
  • Every Sunday
• Slowly taper down nicotine
  • Cut back on smoking for next 2 weeks
  • Go to smoke shop and buy vape juice with less nicotine

2. Improve AfterEffects skills

• Enroll in School of Motion
  • By December 11th
• Enroll at Community College
  • By December 11th

3. Get back into setting goals and making action plans

• Sit down every week and make to-do lists/add to existing ones
  • Starting now

4. Spend time reflecting/contemplating each week

• I plan to do this either before or after I do my goals/to-do's each week
• Here's the plan:
  • Pick cards from my Universe Has Your Back deck
  • Contemplate the past, present, and future
  • Light my favorite candle
  • Either free-write in this online journal or my notebook (I'd prefer to stay away from the computer but sometimes typing out my thoughts is just easier)
  • Starting tomorrow

5. Keep my room clean

• Pick up a few things around my room each day
• Put my laundry on hangers in my closet
  • Starting tomorrow

 

[zenjen]

Update

• I temporarily decided not to start Zumba with my roommate due to the expense. I already paid for PIIT so I think I'll just stick to that program and maybe see if she wants to do it with me.
• Room has been kept decently clean. I threw some clothes in the hamper once I got home today
• Still need to make time for contemplation and journaling, will probably do that tomorrow when my roommate is gone so I have some alone time with my thoughts
• Cut back on smoking a bit
• Still need to enroll in Community College and School of motion, missed my personal deadline but for a good reason at least. I will probably end up doing CC next Monday.
• Exciting news! My work will probably end up paying for my School of Motion course! It's almost $900 so I was scared about asking for it but my boss said it was reasonable. They also want to get me the Cintiq drawing tablet which I have been wanting but it's $800 so I was reluctant to spend the money on myself. So work is going to save me about $1700 total for my creative endeavors in the new year. Good deal! Keep the good vibes flowing, universe