He wants to keep in touch while he’s enjoying single life

[AmalieRuby]

I met this guy about two months ago who was just one month out of a two year relationship. After telling me several times that he’s over his ex we started getting pretty serious very fast. He told me things like me meeting his parents and if I wanted to go on a city trip with him. Last week I finally decided that I was ready to have my first time with him. But right before we were about to do it he told me that a serious relationship would only be far in the future and that he first wants to enjoy being single and a free man. I was very hurt because for me a F+ kinda thing is not something I want. I told him that it couldn’t go on like this between us because it would only hurt me. He was very understanding and now asked me if it would be okay for me to still text and go for a drink from time to time. I am now very confused about what I’m supposed to do. Would it be better to completely delete him out of my life or should I take his “offer”?

[Nahm]

@AmalieRuby  Hi, welcome!

You can be happy with and without him, or anyone. Careful not to attach your emotions to what someone else says or does. Have fun!!! 

He wants F+

You don’t 

No problem.  ?

[Spiral]

@AmalieRuby Perhaps you could tell him that if/when he no longer want the “free man life” he can contact you. In the mean time you could move on and try to find someone else.

If you are taken and he now want’s you, too bad he’ll have to find someone else.

[zoey101]

I agree with the other posts.

If you feel it would hurt you to even just be friends, then maybe just start by giving you two a little space at first. Try to focus on you for a little and what makes you happy. If you feel like you are able to have that kind of relationship (friends), then you can try it. 

Don't focus on how your decision will effect him. He is focused on his happiness right now, so it isn't wrong or selfish for you to do the same. 

Good Luck!

[Frylock]

What's wrong with keeping the guy as a fuck buddy and hanging out with him from time to time? I understand he wants to enjoy different possibilities, but that doesn't mean you don't have needs that he can't meet until you find a man more in line with what you're looking for. Just treat him as an F buddy and that's it. Not boyfriend material.

[SFRL]

@AmalieRuby he only wants to bang you. You don't want that, so don't do that. 

Me, as a guy, I am cool with doing that as well. Just bang some chicks. 

But if I have to give advice to female family, friends, or for forum members: Don't go looking to engage in casual sex. It will lower your value as a woman. 

Edited May 16, 2018 by SFRL

[Paulus Amadeus]

@SFRL wow you are such a charicature of a shitty pick up dude. So you sleep with women casually, but when they want to do the same you respect them less? Pretty disguisting man. And you are not getting laid much with that attitude, I can promise you that right now. 

 

@AmalieRuby If you want a cool guy, you are going to have to be a little bit more okay with having sex earlier. There will be some serious resentment building up in the guy you are dating if you are just going to make him wait for forever. Try to loosen up and have some fun. Sometimes you have to earn your way into a man's heart. He should just want to be in a relationship with you from the get go? With non-needy dudes that is just not how it works. You have to grow on him slowly and then he will choose you. And there is nothing you can force about it.

So, loosen up, have some fun and get laid! if someone has sex with you but then doesn't want to be in relationship with you it is not the end of the world. Happens to everyone!

[Paulus Amadeus]

1 hour ago, zoey101 said:

I agree with the other posts.

If you feel it would hurt you to even just be friends, then maybe just start by giving you two a little space at first. Try to focus on you for a little and what makes you happy. If you feel like you are able to have that kind of relationship (friends), then you can try it. 

Don't focus on how your decision will effect him. He is focused on his happiness right now, so it isn't wrong or selfish for you to do the same. 

Good Luck!

Maybe she should be focussed a little bit more on what he wants. She is only talking about what she wants and what she doesn't want.

Seems pretty entitled to me. If I was her I would want the people who are in my life to feel good and be happy. i don't see any if that in the post she wrote. Just interested in not getting hurt and getting things her way. Not the way you are going to ever attract a non-needy guy.

[zoey101]

27 minutes ago, Paulus Amadeus said:

Maybe she should be focussed a little bit more on what he wants. She is only talking about what she wants and what she doesn't want.

Seems pretty entitled to me. If I was her I would want the people who are in my life to feel good and be happy. i don't see any if that in the post she wrote. Just interested in not getting hurt and getting things her way. Not the way you are going to ever attract a non-needy guy.

She said the guy wants to enjoy being single. And clearly, he is. If her lifestyle doesn't fit that, I don't think it's selfish to not want to be apart of it. She said they got pretty serious, so of course she was hurt when he dropped the FWB Bomb.

Most women are predisposed to being more emotionally driven than most men. From what she says, the guy seems fine either way. If she needs time to process what has happened and to figure out if she wants to be friends or not, I don't think that is an entitled mindset. If the guy cared or considered her feelings, he'd do more than just say, "let's keep getting a drink". 

He will be fine, life will move on for him. If she stays talking to him, she could mess herself up emotionally and not be able to move on. I only speak from personal experience. I spent my whole high school life caring about how everyone else would feel, and it made me utterly miserable to keep putting them first and ignoring how I felt. I'm only stating what I wish I could have heard a long time ago. It isn't selfish to consider yourself once in a while.

[Spiral]

He most definitely doesn’t have feelings for her. If he had he’d want a open relationship rather than f+.

Besides being rejected because someone wants more is kind of a compliment. 

Edited May 16, 2018 by Spiral

[Elisabeth]

There's a saying. "Never treat someone a priority who treats you as an option." Listen to that.

He wants to keep contact either (assuming best intentions) to be real friends or to keep options open. Or both. It's ok and it's very human, but you wanted more and you could get easily caught in one-sided romance. So don't give him more more thought than he gives you.

If you like the guy and want to have a chat and a drink from time to time, no problem. What I suggest is a break let romantic feelings dwindle down and restart without the mess.  40 days no contact is the recommended timeline.

Just tell him you need a few weeks break to get your head clear. Then go 40 days no contact. You can decide to contact him or not afterwards. There's no fire. You don't have to know now.

(edit: I see you've only known each other for two months. Maybe you don't need whole 40 days. I'm not sure.)

Edited May 16, 2018 by Elisabeth

[AmalieRuby]

Thanks you all so much for your answers.

To the one's saying I should keep him as a fuckbuddy or that I should've already sleept with him: I've never been in a relationship and also never had sex and I'm not saying that I would never do the casual sex thing but I just don't want to loose my virginty like that.

I'm still not really sure about what I'm supposed to do but I'm now trying to find out what I'm feeling in the next few days and if I can win some distance to the whole situation. And yes I'm going to keep putting myself first because that's the only thing to do if I don't want to get hurt. I've also thought about diffrent future scenarios if I keep in touch with him and it would feel very weird to just take him back when he is done fucking around. On the other hand I hate that he's the first guy in years that I actually liked and was very into and that maybe just the timing is wrong. As you can see I'm still pretty confused, but it helps a lot to read diffrent opinions on the subject.

[SFRL]

@AmalieRuby you are having one-itis. It happens to inexperienced guys mostly. And virgin girls as well apparently. 

Since you are a virgin don't just go fuck some dude who you know for sure is not going to stick around. 

[zoey101]

6 minutes ago, AmalieRuby said:

I've also thought about diffrent future scenarios if I keep in touch with him and it would feel very weird to just take him back when he is done fucking around. On the other hand I hate that he's the first guy in years that I actually liked and was very into and that maybe just the timing is wrong. 

"You wanna make God laugh? Make a plan" - Unknown

Don't worry about what is going to happen tomorrow or what happened yesterday. Yesterday happened. Nothing you do or say will change the events of yesterday. Tomorrow hasn't happened yet. For all you know, it won't happen. Just live in the moment  that's one of the many goals towards enlightenment. I'm still learning, but this one part has helped me with some aspects of my life. It won't work everytime. But that's why we keep working at it

10 minutes ago, AmalieRuby said:

I've never been in a relationship and also never had sex and I'm not saying that I would never do the casual sex thing but I just don't want to loose my virginty like that.

Good for you girl! Not that it matters to be a virgin or not, but you have great respect and control for yourself. You got this  

[AmalieRuby]

2 minutes ago, SFRL said:

@AmalieRuby you are having one-itis. It happens to inexperienced guys mostly. And virgin girls as well apparently. 

Since you are a virgin don't just go fuck some dude who you know for sure is not going to stick around. 

Yes you're right and there are a lot of other guys out there. And I definitly won't do that after waiting that long.

[AmalieRuby]

21 minutes ago, zoey101 said:

"You wanna make God laugh? Make a plan" - Unknown

Don't worry about what is going to happen tomorrow or what happened yesterday. Yesterday happened. Nothing you do or say will change the events of yesterday. Tomorrow hasn't happened yet. For all you know, it won't happen. Just live in the moment  that's one of the many goals towards enlightenment. I'm still learning, but this one part has helped me with some aspects of my life. It won't work everytime. But that's why we keep working at it

Good for you girl! Not that it matters to be a virgin or not, but you have great respect and control for yourself. You got this  

You are right, I have no idea what is going to happen anyway so I better don't think about it too much. Thank you so much for your advice Zoey, best wishes from switzerland.

[zoey101]

@AmalieRuby And peaceful wishes to you, from America

Like I said, it's not gonna work every time. Life is too crazy for that  but we keep working at it and growing to become a better version of ourselves. A "non-version"  It still doesn't make complete sense to me lol but if you just read what everyone else posts, they are very good at helping explain. 

You are a strong, beautiful, smart woman  just hold on to that!

[SFRL]

@AmalieRuby

 

[AmalieRuby]

54 minutes ago, SFRL said:

@AmalieRuby

 

Wtf this guy is crazy

[Paulus Amadeus]

13 hours ago, AmalieRuby said:

Thanks you all so much for your answers.

To the one's saying I should keep him as a fuckbuddy or that I should've already sleept with him: I've never been in a relationship and also never had sex and I'm not saying that I would never do the casual sex thing but I just don't want to loose my virginty like that.

I'm still not really sure about what I'm supposed to do but I'm now trying to find out what I'm feeling in the next few days and if I can win some distance to the whole situation. And yes I'm going to keep putting myself first because that's the only thing to do if I don't want to get hurt. I've also thought about diffrent future scenarios if I keep in touch with him and it would feel very weird to just take him back when he is done fucking around. On the other hand I hate that he's the first guy in years that I actually liked and was very into and that maybe just the timing is wrong. As you can see I'm still pretty confused, but it helps a lot to read diffrent opinions on the subject.

Ah you are a virgin, okay. I see how that changes the situation.