Is this an ego-death like phenomenon or just the mind tricking itself again?

[Nadosa]

I am feeling torn between two parts of me. One part sees death as only solution (very very valid feeling), the other part says nothing matters now anymore, so you can keep playing the game - thing is, the dark part wont subside then. This habit came on its own after 6 Months of Depersonalization and DR, both known to provide for awakenings. But mine spiralled from an partial awakening, to depression and ended in a split identity. This "I", this observing spectator, this stable grounding identity, which I relied on during my anxiety days, mindfulness meditations and where I was sure, that I can do it, I will get over it, and live peacefully after this dark period, broke away. It is gone. Instead it is either total identification with ego or a somehow "inbetween" state. I dont have a grounded identity anymore, an I in which I can say that I want to live 100%, instead a submind which when it takes over, I feel like I shouldnt be living anymore and that anything I lived before is nothing but a story and nothing matters anymore (potential nihilism). No good vibes anymore, total apathy on some days where I dont know if I can even connect to people or my identity. BUT NO SYMPTOMS OF DP whatsoever. What happened? How do I know "I" want to live? Till now, I chose the part that felt more authentic to me, the peace. But this conflict creates a vacuum. 

Edited May 12, 2018 by Nadosa

[tsuki]

Death is the only solution to life. It is true.

What is questionably true is whether life needs solving.
Trees need no meaning to live. Trees have no problems to solve.

You have gathered momentum throughout your whole life by trying to solve things.
Now, no things need solving and yet - you keep on going. You look for a solution for having no problems.
When everything is truly meaningless, stopping yourself is meaningless as well.

Just keep going. There is no reason to stop and there is no reason to go.
Do you need a reason to enjoy life?
Do you need a reason to dance?

What is the reason for having a reason?

Edited May 12, 2018 by tsuki

[tsuki]

1 hour ago, Nadosa said:

nothing matters anymore

When I saw that there is no meaning whatsoever I saw that having meaning is meaningless.
It came to me that the only thing worth doing with your spare time is to meditate.

So I did. I grew like a tree. A tree has no problems to solve.
When you have no problems, a mind that seeks problems is a problem.
The world without problems is meaningless.
The meaningless world has no problems.

Edited May 12, 2018 by tsuki