Low Sex Drive

[Annie]

I've been dealing with this issue for years now... It's not that I don't have any sex drive but it's rather low I admit. It probably is rooted in my first sexual experience at age 16 which came close to being abused (not raped in the "classical" sense but, as weird as it may sound, rather tricked into it and when it was about to happen I changed my mind because I was freaked out about it and I didn't want it to happen with that guy (a guy I knew but were never in a relationship with or interested in). To make a long story short: it happened anyway even though I said no. Two years after that I slept with my now husband and our relationship has had more downs than ups in the past 14 years. He showed me that sex can be very enjoyable and I admire the patience he's brought up for me, he supported me a lot to overcome my issues. When we have sex it's good, but I have a problem. He's very into sex, me not that much. I'm not even sure how to explain this. My drive just isn't that high. It's not like he demands it every day, he doesn't want weird things I wouldn't be into. We talk pretty open about what we like and want to try and what not so that's not a problem. Yeah I could try to blame my lack of interest on our two small children that can drain my energy at times but that's not it because the problem has always existed. I don't know what to do anymore because things have gotten so much out of hand over the years that I'm seriously afraid he might leave me. He wouldn't cheat, I am quite certain, he would simply leave. Obviously there are other issues in the relationship as well but this is the main one that could help "fix" the others because he would be more at ease. I just can't seem to overcome myself, I can't seem to get myself in the mood of being interested. To be honest, sometimes I just have sex with him because it is my "duty" as a wife. But I don't want to do that, I want to want to have sex with him. Any ideas to boost my sex drive? Maybe hormonal supplements, anything? I'm very grateful for any kind of answer. Thank you!

 

[Ajax]

Hello Annie, 

 

Sex drive can be linked with emotional intimacy. How well are you guys relating with each other? Do you guys have fun together, laughing and playing around like when the relationship was fresh. Emotions play such an important role in sex drive and the more interested you are in your partner and him in you, the easier it is to get in the mood.

Another factor could just be a lack of stimulation, you need more purpose and challenges to motivate you and make you feel good.

Happiness could be stated to be the feelings of accomplished you feel overcoming  challenges.

 

[Anna]

I feel you. First of all: You have a wonderful husband!

You seem to block your mind with all your thoughts. I believe you can't really let go of everything while having sex. You think about what happened to you in the past, feeling drained (energy) by your kids, worry he could leave you if you don't sleep with him... there is chaos and constant desperation in your head, isn't it?

I have to admit my sex drive is quite high, but I notice significant downs when I think/worry too much about everything. Not specifically about sex, but like the daily things. When I stress myself, it's hard for me to free my mind while having sex.

But it's still possible to focus, relax and let go. It really helps me to practice awareness and calming my mind through meditation. Stop thinking while having sex! No worries, no bad thoughts, NOTHING but the present moment. If you shut down random thoughts, sex can be pretty intense.

And also: it's a good thing you two are talking so open about it!

Do you even feel fulfilled? If not, what's missing? What do you need?

I've always been open-minded towards guys when it came to sexual preferences. I noticed, the closer the whole act evolved into what I wanted, the more fulfilled I felt. My body is literally asking for repetition after a short period of time.

[Annie]

Thank you for your replies!

Emotional intimacy is lacking a lot lately, we're both quite stressed with work/children. We haven't had any "couple-time" in 5 years (there is nobody to take care of the children so we could go out on a date night night or something and baby sitters are not an option for us). So we're kind of stuck in a routine and I am stuck in my head in many ways.

Once we actually are having sex it's great, my problem is getting there...  This attraction, this feeling of wanting to be all over the other one, this spark you get in the beginning of the relationship isn't there anymore and I want it back, or at least somethin similar. Something that really makes me think "I really want to have sex with him now". At the end of the day I'm just tired and unmotivated.

[Anna]

@Annie You are already writing about a solution, don't you notice?

You two should think about how to integrate some "couple-time". It's a complicated thing with two little kids, I understand, but I see a true necessity here.

Yes, this spark fades after a certain amount of time, but that's normal. Maybe this problem will dissolve aswell if you two can spend more time together? Like strengthening your relationship even more and calming your mind (eleminating your worries!).

[Anna]

Maybe this will help:

 

 

 

[Niki]

I consume this on a daily basis so you have my recommendation:

handful of walnuts; maca powder; 2 bananas

I already had a pretty decent sex drive even before I consumed maca powder, yet it amplified. Bananas and walnuts aren't mandatory, maca is.

[Annie]

@Niki I've actually heard about Maca recently (though unrelated to this topic) so I'll definitely look into this. How much do you consume?

@Anna  It's rather difficult to get couple-time but I'll try harder to find a solution for this. Thank you for the links!

[Niki]

Yes, it's awesome. Don't expect immediate results. Consume it on daily basis for a few months and you shall see what happens. Although you will notice some changes even when you've just started consuming it.

Recommended doses is 3-5g. I don't measure it, takes too much time, I do it approximately, I take 1 1/2 teaspoon.

I am sure you know that this won't solve your deeper issues, it's just a quick fix that will help you out a bit. =)

[Annie]

Of course it won't solve deeper issues but there's nothing wrong with a little help. Besides I've read Maca, apart from having many health benefits, also helps with PMS so it would be a double-help ;)

[Rudolflores]

Hello Annie. Perhaps the answer is rooted in the body of your original question. We have all heard that "resentment" etc are a poison to those of us who hold it and the science seems to support this notion. With regards to your "first time", in an act of love for yourself, perhaps you should forgive that asshole for his actions. Once again this is about you not about him, nor is it about you telling him personally that he is forgiven, who cares about him. And perhaps forgiveness of your young self and the releasing of any blame you may still have towards her could be the key as well. This is of course speculation and I don't know how it may relate to your specific situation but if this is an avenue as of yet unexplored by you, perhaps dig into it and see what it holds. Hopeful that's helpful.

[Annie]

@Rudolflores I used to blame myself for that event for a loooong time but eventually I forgave myself for having taken different steps that eventually led to the situation (not the situation itself and how it turned out may I add). Over the years I've actually grown from it since it changed me in such ways that I ended up benefitting. His and my path actually crossed a couple of months ago, almost bumped into each other in a grocery store and when he noticed me he had this expression in his face of fear and shame as if he was the victim. I can't say that I don't care anymore about this but I've gotten over it I'd say, as weird as it may be. However I won't ever forgive him because he doesn't deserve my forgiveness. But yes, it has affected me in a very negative way for a very long time of course but by now that is not the case anymore.

[Ayla]

Sexuality is a natural aspect of our humanity. It is the way we create life. It is the way we create. Period. Creativity needs a muse. A partner to inspire you. To un-limit your mind and to make you eager to give life to something profoundly new. Your unique human expression is derived from your sexuality.

Women often have low drive issues because of (fu@*ing) oppression from education and society. 

There's a lot to say about feminine sexual trauma. It goes as deep as our biblical history. So the "secret" is to switch your focus and perspective. 

Ask yourself this question: "What would be so bad if I enjoyed my sexuality? What would that say about me?" 

True honest answers to this questions might blow your mind and open up blockages you might have.

Does it feel dirty? Does it feel wrong? Does it feel meaningless? Does it feel strange? Does it feel violent? Does it feel boring? Does it feel yucky? Look for those answers. 

You cannot really go further until this issue is looked upon. Intimacy is with your own self first. Know your body. Explore. Enjoy. Go wild, just for the heck of it. 

It is only after this, that you might want to ask yourself if your partner inspires you. If you admire him. If you feel the protection and love that you need from him. Ask yourself "positive questions" instead of limiting ones. "Do I love this man? What do I feel when I think about him? Is there constriction or expansion in my body when I think of him? Is my heart feeling the warmth?" If you really sit and think of him, can you say that you love him? What does that feel like? All these questions are open as opposed to "why don't I enjoy this"... 

 

 

 

 

 

[Rudolflores]

@Annie What I was suggesting (in the end) actually removes him (and any leftover ick) from any consideration completely.

Perhaps I did a crappy job of relating the notion. If curious about where I first touched upon it.... 

Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor E. Frankl (holocaust survivor) will do a much better job than I.

[Niki]

@Rudolflores Excellent book indeed.

[clytaemnestra]

I haven't read all, people told you everything you should know about emotions and how it can be linked, I just want to advise on you to control your nutrition. Leo has one video about supplements and how they can increase your libido, so try maybe with a nutrition (I have heard about Maca powder, but I don't know) and google about natural aphrodisiacs (like bananas, chocolate..). If I'm off the topic, sorry then. But I just wanted to say if you are OK mentally, but not physically, then try with a nutrition.