My parents are enforcing my envy towards other people

[Peter Zemskov]

I'm working hard on not being envious and comparing myself to others anymore but my parents enforce the envy that I have towards other people and it make the job nearly impossible for me. They always compare me to other people and that sometimes makes me very envious. For example they always compare my marks to my friends marks and encourage me to compete with them and when I tell them that I don't want to compare myself with other they call me a looser and think that it's because i'm afraid of competition. It's really hard to get rid of my envy and self comparison in this situation so what would you recomend?

[zoey101]

hmm that's tough, it's hard not to want what others want. But what do you already have? just think on that. You might see that you have more than you expected. (I don't just mean material things) Are there traits and/or talents that you pride yourself in? is there a way to go for that as a career path or anything? 

You can't stop being compared to others unfortunately. That's just human nature. You can stop being phased by it. I'd like to believe your parents harshness comes from a good place. They want the best for you and for you to succeed. Maybe try not to take it personally? I know it's easier said than done, but you are the one who decides your path. They can only watch as you succeed of fail. But it doesn't matter if you aren't enjoying the ride.

 

Hope that makes sense!

[ajasatya]

be aware of the fact that they are envious themselves and have compassion for them. they are always comparing themselves with others and they suffer from it.

they wouldn't project it on you if they weren't envious people.

[mohdanas]

36 minutes ago, ajasatya said:

be aware of the fact that they are envious themselves and have compassion for them. they are always comparing themselves with others and they suffer from it.

they wouldn't project it on you if they weren't envious people.

sometimes, I think this isnt the case.

They do not compare themselves with others but only their children dew to expectation. 

I suffer this personally. 

My dad compare me with other children but never compare himself with others. 

55 minutes ago, Peter Zemskov said:

I'm working hard on not being envious and comparing myself to others anymore but my parents enforce the envy that I have towards other people and it make the job nearly impossible for me. They always compare me to other people and that sometimes makes me very envious. For example they always compare my marks to my friends marks and encourage me to compete with them and when I tell them that I don't want to compare myself with other they call me a looser and think that it's because i'm afraid of competition. It's really hard to get rid of my envy and self comparison in this situation so what would you recomend?

 bro, idk, first of all every parents is different. 

I can get this to understand parents of my cousins but cant get in to my father head. The last time I had the argument, he literally shouted "one should compare" period after I asked him "why" one should do it. 

Coming back to you, 

My friend, I deeply wish I could help you, and what suck is, I can hazily find some solution for you but it will draw so much energy for such simple petite thing.

Solution - 

What you need is convincing. Prepare your argument logically on a piece of paper and then plant the idea abstractly. 

Steps 

1. Take a paper

2. Research point supporting your arguments. 

Tip - Search Science, Spirituality, Quotes Of Big People ( Specially whom your parents respect ), Religion Sources ( If your parents value it )

3. Organize all the major points. 

 

Now you have science, spirituality, famous people and religion backing you up. 

( I havnt done this much as I am too busy ) 

4. Convincing 

I think once you have so much of data, convincing should become easier though it would still be quite challenging. 

 

 

 

[WaterfallMachine]

I understand the need for competiton. I grew up with it, and the absolute pressure is terrible. Lots of us deal with it by increasing our self confidence or working harder, but much of the hurt comes from lack of self worth, not self esteem.

Self esteem is when we can believe that we can accomplish or do certain things. Self worth is believing that we deserve help, love and belonging. Meditations like loving kindness meditation can help, or finding a support network whether online or offline helps too.

Self esteem can be emphasized too if you need so. Start with accomplishing small goals so it won’t be as intimidating to try at first, then steadily work to something bigger. 

Take care.

[Sahil Pandit]

@Peter Zemskov Peter, 

It sounds like they are projecting their insecurities onto you. That aside, what values/strengths could you focus on instead of being envious?

Like @ajasatya said, you could try to have compassion for them, but from the sounds of things, they have made you pretty neurotic about it.

 I would recommend some sitting (however long it needs to be) and accepting that they are who they are, then finding out the best version of yourself you could be instead of the envious Peter. 

[Peter Zemskov]

16 hours ago, ajasatya said:

be aware of the fact that they are envious themselves and have compassion for them. they are always comparing themselves with others and they suffer from it.

they wouldn't project it on you if they weren't envious people.

It's true for my dad. He tells me with pride stories from his childhood when he got the best marks and always puts himself as an example that I should follow. He just doesn't understand that I don't have the desire to compete with anybody. My dad always felt pride in being better than other people. 

My mom is different though. She's a typical stage orange person who values success over everything else. She doesn't compare herself with anybody but she does compare me to others. She wants me to live up to her expactations and always tries to put me in a rat race.

[Peter Zemskov]

10 hours ago, Sahil Pandit said:

@Peter Zemskov Peter, 

It sounds like they are projecting their insecurities onto you. That aside, what values/strengths could you focus on instead of being envious?

Like @ajasatya said, you could try to have compassion for them, but from the sounds of things, they have made you pretty neurotic about it.

 I would recommend some sitting (however long it needs to be) and accepting that they are who they are, then finding out the best version of yourself you could be instead of the envious Peter. 

They are. Naturally i'm not an envious person but they force me to be one. It's a problem of giving to much attention to their comparisons of me to other people 

[Peter Zemskov]

16 hours ago, mohdanas said:

sometimes, I think this isnt the case.

They do not compare themselves with others but only their children dew to expectation. 

I suffer this personally. 

My dad compare me with other children but never compare himself with others. 

 bro, idk, first of all every parents is different. 

I can get this to understand parents of my cousins but cant get in to my father head. The last time I had the argument, he literally shouted "one should compare" period after I asked him "why" one should do it. 

Coming back to you, 

My friend, I deeply wish I could help you, and what suck is, I can hazily find some solution for you but it will draw so much energy for such simple petite thing.

Solution - 

What you need is convincing. Prepare your argument logically on a piece of paper and then plant the idea abstractly. 

Steps 

1. Take a paper

2. Research point supporting your arguments. 

Tip - Search Science, Spirituality, Quotes Of Big People ( Specially whom your parents respect ), Religion Sources ( If your parents value it )

3. Organize all the major points. 

 

Now you have science, spirituality, famous people and religion backing you up. 

( I havnt done this much as I am too busy ) 

4. Convincing 

I think once you have so much of data, convincing should become easier though it would still be quite challenging. 

 

 

 

That's interesting. They won't listen to me if I just tell them my opinion because they'll dismiss it as being an excuse for my laziness but if I'll teel them some quotes from important people I think they're going to listen...

[Privet]

Let parents do their neurotic patterns. Don't catch those patterns. Let them be the way they are, it's not your business to change them, but it's your business to not be affected by this. Don't resist, just let them judge and nevermind. Why would you resist what is? Does this ever work? They gonna act the way they gonna act.

[zoey101]

3 hours ago, Privet said:

Let parents do their neurotic patterns. Don't catch those patterns. Let them be the way they are, it's not your business to change them, but it's your business to not be affected by this. Don't resist, just let them judge and nevermind. Why would you resist what is? Does this ever work? They gonna act the way they gonna act.

 

@Peter Zemskov

[MisterMan]

23 hours ago, Peter Zemskov said:

I'm working hard on not being envious and comparing myself to others anymore but my parents enforce the envy that I have towards other people and it make the job nearly impossible for me. They always compare me to other people and that sometimes makes me very envious. For example they always compare my marks to my friends marks and encourage me to compete with them and when I tell them that I don't want to compare myself with other they call me a looser and think that it's because i'm afraid of competition. It's really hard to get rid of my envy and self comparison in this situation so what would you recomend?

if you comply they win, if you resist. they win, because you're still allowing it to be a reference point. Conditioning is a bitch. 

Acknowledge this part of yourself, there is an aspect of you that you appear to reject. The part that is competitive and judging as you perceive that negatively. One part of healing comes from, recognising this idea, or perfection or being a "good" person is highly paradoxical.

As allan watts would say, a mother would say "if you loved me you would do as i say", So in order to love her you must repress your own desires to express your own thought and ideas. Which is a silly premise to begin with but we have no teachers to pull us up on this. Our conditioning never gets caught, unless it gets expressed extremely. 

[zoey101]

2 minutes ago, MisterMan said:

if you comply they win, if you resist. they win, because you're still allowing it to be a reference point. Conditioning is a bitch. 

wow, you just made me think of a scene from one of my favorite shows

 

[MisterMan]

that is a great scene and a equally great show

[zoey101]

@MisterMan sounded like you were almost quoting it lol

Love this show!

#6SeasonsAndAMovie!!!

[MisterMan]

why do good things always have to end

[zoey101]

awwww... now i'm sad :'(

 

Troooooooyyy!!!!! 

[Star Net]

Hi @Peter Zemskov

How are You ?

I think there is a difference between Competition and envy,

There is nothing wrong in comparing Yourself with others and compete with others, but Envy is the problem and it is wrong.

[Peter Zemskov]

On 16.05.2018 at 11:49 PM, Star Net said:

Hi @Peter Zemskov

How are You ?

I think there is a difference between Competition and envy,

There is nothing wrong in comparing Yourself with others and compete with others, but Envy is the problem and it is wrong.

In my experience competition often creates envy. Compering yourself to others creates an unhealthy self esteem that is dependent on how you match in comparison to others (and not how you really are) which inevitably creates envy. Also competition is a low conciousness thing because it's really your ego which wants to be better than others. 

[nour-cha93]

On 5/11/2018 at 0:41 AM, Peter Zemskov said:

I'm working hard on not being envious and comparing myself to others anymore but my parents enforce the envy that I have towards other people and it make the job nearly impossible for me. They always compare me to other people and that sometimes makes me very envious. For example they always compare my marks to my friends marks and encourage me to compete with them and when I tell them that I don't want to compare myself with other they call me a looser and think that it's because i'm afraid of competition. It's really hard to get rid of my envy and self comparison in this situation so what would you recomend?

I understand this very well. My parents compare me to other people all the time. But now I chose to take it but not be affected by those comments. This is their opinion about how to raise a child and no amount of discussions would change their mind. That is why I let it go. When they compare me to others I listen to them and smile