Let Go

[TheFrown]

I have never written a journal before.

I don't feel up to writing my life story or providing super detailed context about myself just now. I might at a later point though. Today, I want to use this as a platform to help articulate and catalog my inner thoughts and feelings.

I feel stuck.

Every action i take my mind conjures up a barrage of reasons for why its futile or incorrect. I am constantly evaluating potential ideas and concepts with debilitating criticism. It feels like a constant feedback loop that reinforces a weight that is directly linked with my state of mind. Every action and thought seemingly takes an excruciatingly large amount of effort. Its very encumbering. 

Writing this feels kinda cathartic actually. Its like i am battling my inner critic and chipping away at the weight with each word.

What makes this different from my other tasks? Expectations. I don't expect jack shit from this. So i am free to express myself with a minimal filter. No filter would result in incoherent mubo jumbo

I have had this feeling before so i know its not permanent. I must accept the downturns in life are part of the overall process and are to be expected. I will resign myself to mediocrity and nonchalance for today. A wise man recognizes when resistance has won the day.  I will make an effort to resist passing judgement on my work when its still just a simple concept.

Tomorrow is another day.

 

[Journey]

@TheFrown Best of luck to you, my friend. I struggle too with this inner critic.

At first I used this criticism and judgement as a motivation for my actions to keep myself "in line". Makes me sound more like a prison guard than a loving existence.

One of the liberating thoughts for me was realizing that I had placed so much weight and value on failure versus "success". I tried to avoid failure at all costs because I felt it threatened my safety. I did not want to be judged by others, so I judged myself emotively. I was scared to express the I and just be.

I was resisting the flow of the universe and the ups and downs of life itself. Sealing ourselves in a cage does not bring enlightenment.

[TheFrown]

18 hours ago, Journey said:

@TheFrown Best of luck to you, my friend. I struggle too with this inner critic.

At first I used this criticism and judgement as a motivation for my actions to keep myself "in line". Makes me sound more like a prison guard than a loving existence.

One of the liberating thoughts for me was realizing that I had placed so much weight and value on failure versus "success". I tried to avoid failure at all costs because I felt it threatened my safety. I did not want to be judged by others, so I judged myself emotively. I was scared to express the I and just be.

I was resisting the flow of the universe and the ups and downs of life itself. Sealing ourselves in a cage does not bring enlightenment.

Thanks for the comment. The prospect of failure is still hard to face even with the knowledge of its true nature.  Pain and hardship is an important part of life.

Had a good night last night for the most part. I was able to spend several hours focused on the task at hand with a good amount of diligence. Thats all I ask of my myself at this current stage. As long as I am making progress and working on improving any of the skill-sets I am trying to master, I feel like im on the right path. I am a sound designer, composer, and audio engineer so there is a huge amount of knowledge, skill, and tools to master. Learning to love the process has been a liberating tendency to have.

As you say being in flow with the universe is the ultimate goal.