Heartbroken and can't do it anymore...

[zoey101]

Things have been so up and down lately at home.... my husband has been dealing with a lot of hard shit.. and I have been doing my best to support and love him through it... despite my own pains.. I found out, I think it was 2 weeks ago, that my husband was abusing Meth.. I shared it with you all and you were very open and supportive. Thank you.

I ended up not bringing it up to my husband because I was afraid of the potential fight it could bring... since then he has been just up and down... I would check his phone but saw nothing about getting more of that shit.. eventually I just stopped checking because I wanted to believe 'maybe it was just that once, he wouldn't do that, right?'... Well I sure feel stupid for thinking that...

Yesterday I was texting him all day and he was having a pretty rough one at work... So I tried to cheer him up and it seemed to be working.. he texted that I have been so great to him and he was so happy I am with him and on his side... but when I picked him up, he wouldn't say one word to me.. I tried to talk to him and he just sat in silence.. When we get home it's no different.. he just stomps around the apartment and slams doors and won't say anything.. then he goes to sleep at 6pm and I just felt so anxious because I just want to know what I did wrong.. 

This morning when I woke up everything seemed fine. He was cuddling up on me and I thought that today might be better... so I just dropped yesterday and was gonna start fresh.. but once he gets up, it's back to the silent treatment... I'm just trying not to get too anxious and upset but I couldn't help think 'this isn't fair.. why is he being like this?'

So when I was driving him to work, with my daughter in the backseat, I just couldn't leave it alone... I asked him about it.. and begged him to talk to me.. I kept pushing.. and then he just exploded.. yelling that I don't care about what's wrong, so I should quit asking..  and that I haven't been doing anything to make him happy or show that I care about his happiness... I burst into tears trying to tell him that I have been trying my best... I do care.. we just kept going on for a while till I couldn't hold it in and I screamed at him... He smacked me directly on the mouth.. and busted my lip open... I cried and he made fun of how I sounded... I yelled that he busted my lip.. he said "good!".... he made me take him to the store and when he got back in the car, he started smoking a cigarette... with our daughter right there... I screamed and tried to take it from him.. but he said to just crack my window... I wish I was imagining all of this... 

When I went home on my lunch break, I saw that he left his phone.. So I checked it... He bought some last week just before the weekend... so he is either in the process of coming down from it, or currently on it.... 

I can't do this anymore you guys... He promised he'd never hit me... he promised to not touch that shit... he promised to care... but he broke every one of those promises.... 

I'm so scared of what is going to happen... I don't know what to think or feel anymore.. I need to leave... I know I do.. but I'm so scared you guys... It feels like everything is just falling apart... like I can't hold onto it anymore...

[phoenix666]

@zoey101 it hurts to read your post.. I am so sorry my dear <3 but I feel like you already know.. listen to your intuition, I know it's there.

[zoey101]

@phoenix666 Yeah.. knowing and doing are two very different things though... I'm trying to hold my ground... but it's easy only when he isn't in front of me.. you know...

[zoey101]

I texted a friend... she is said she was gonna talk to her husband to see if I can stay there for a few nights... I feel like I'm slowly losing energy though... I'm trying to stay strong.. but I just want to crawl into a ball and just fall asleep and never wake up...

[ajasatya]

@zoey101 you need a period (maybe 1~2 years) of dealing with your own lack of spiritual health.

live with your daughter and work on yourself. then MAYBE, you will find a partner who's into self-actualization as well. but don't aim for it.

seek your own Life first. it's the best way to channel anguish/sadness/sorrow/suffering.

Edited May 9, 2018 by ajasatya

[Nahm]

 

1 hour ago, zoey101 said:

I texted a friend... she is said she was gonna talk to her husband to see if I can stay there for a few nights... I feel like I'm slowly losing energy though... I'm trying to stay strong.. but I just want to crawl into a ball and just fall asleep and never wake up...

That is really terrible to hear. I’m glad you are aware that abuse means get out. Smart.

What he’s dealing with is bigger than you, and you and him. 

You’re losing your energy, as you put it, because you’re looking at this as a you and him issue. It’s not, it’s his issue. You and your daughter can not be around him until he gets himself throug this. 

You realize, you didn’t do anything right? His actions are the actions of someone who is currently an addict. There’s no excuse for what he’s doing. If you try to help him, and be forgiving, IMO, you’re just making it worse for both of you and procrastinating the serious level of help he needs. I think you know all this. 

And we got your back here. You know, like, to the extent possible online and all. Emotional support wise. 

This too shall pass. ❤️

[RichardY]

Passive Aggressive, actual violence, addicted to Meth. Leave.

When does that ever get better. If you feel you have to, leave or post a letter explaining why, but I wouldn't even do that. He split your lip. It's not like there is not forms of social support. If you have to leave the state. Last thing local authorities want is a homeless mother & child on the street. Looks really bad on society and local officials.

[Nahm]

@zoey101 ...what’s happenin? I feel like we need an update on this. ❤️

[John Iverson]

Sorry to hear that.. hay! For him, It is not easy to change,. If he is not into consciousness it is harder.. and even if you are conscious it is very hard!, you will fail and fail to change , it takes a a lot of time to change..and  for you what do you think the right thing to do? If you want to leave, leave with your daughter... think what your daughter feel and think what if she will see every worst that can happen to your family and to his father and to you also, what will happen to her ?.. and i think it is good to explain to the father why you are leaving for him to understand what is going on to him and to your family i want to him to be aware in the situation for his own recovery if he wants to recover from it .. it is safe to have a note, rather than to talk in person that you will leave.. i am scared of what will happen if you will say that to your husbad in person ? i am scared for you..  just explain also to your daughter what is going and don't just tell him the negative about his father.. in my own story my mother is always say the one that is Very Positive in my father.. although i see the negative but he is the one who makes me see the all the positive...

you can also send him in an institution, like rehab to help him... or you and him go to a psychologist, you too needs a therapy session .. it could be!  there are many ways  not only just leaving..

Edited May 10, 2018 by John Iverson

[Buddha Jackson]

@zoey101  You have come to the right place to look for help, You need to stay strong and make the Right decisions for the sake of yourself, your daughter and your family which includes us ♥

[zoey101]

9 hours ago, Nahm said:

@zoey101 ...what’s happenin? I feel like we need an update on this. ❤️

Hey guys.. thank you for the support. I really do appreciate it.

I got into a pretty bad car accident after work yesterday... Got back from the hospital a little bit ago.. Nothing's broken, just really really sore...

My husband was at the hospital with me and he kept apologizing to me.. he said he loved me and he won't let things get like this anymore... 

We had a long talk and I told him this is his last change.. that I will leave him for good if he does this shit again..

 

My poor car is totaled... ???

[Nahm]

@zoey101 omg! Glad to hear you’re ok!!!!

[John Iverson]

20 minutes ago, zoey101 said:

Hey guys.. thank you for the support. I really do appreciate it.

I got into a pretty bad car accident after work yesterday... Got back from the hospital a little bit ago.. Nothing's broken, just really really sore...

My husband was at the hospital with me and he kept apologizing to me.. he said he loved me and he won't let things get like this anymore... 

We had a long talk and I told him this is his last change.. that I will leave him for good if he does this shit again..

 

My poor car is totaled... ???

Yes me too! I'm glad that you're okaaaaaay!! 

Edited May 10, 2018 by John Iverson

[phoenix666]

9 hours ago, Nahm said:

...what’s happenin? I feel like we need an update on this. ❤️

as if you've sensed something 

I sometimes feel a special connection between all of us on this forum

@zoey101 my god, I'm glad you're safe now!

[Arman]

Meth is an insidious parasite. It breeds violence and despair. Unless he is going to make serious amends, change his lifestyle and not touch it again then I'm afraid the writing is on the wall. Things will not improve. 

He has already hit you once. Do you really believe in your heart that he will never do it again? 

Without a miracle of grace to shift his consciousness, he won't even have the ability to follow his own words. 

 

[John Iverson]

1 hour ago, phoenix666 said:

as if you've sensed something 

I sometimes feel a special connection between all of us on this forum

@zoey101 my god, I'm glad you're safe now!

Yes! Look at your response and with my and nahm's response HAHAHAHA IT IS THE SAME HAHAHAHHA IT IS FUNNY THO

[Nahm]

@phoenix666  I would tell you I already knew, but that would put you in a weird uncomfortable position with me.  Let’s leave that for my wife. 

[zoey101]

lol you guys are silly  but thank you. I am stuck at home for a few days now which kinda sucks. But maybe I need the break. 

@Arman I agree. Hopefully this car accident will be enough, because I don't know if I can deal with something like this again.

But I'm glad that things seem like they will be ok. The other lady tried to say I ran a red light but there are witnesses that know it was still yellow and she took the turn in front of me, but it's ok, I work for an injury/accident law firm  and they are going to take care of all the ridiculous stuff for me.

Man am I sore though... Hurts to even sit up...

[phoenix666]

@John Iverson hahah I've noticed now. our reactions are pretty much the same, wow

@Nahm would it surprise you if I told you that your answer didn't surprise me?

36 minutes ago, zoey101 said:

I am stuck at home for a few days now which kinda sucks. But maybe I need the break. 

use the time to do some inner work, maybe that's exactly what you need right now. and keep yourself and your little one safe <3

[zoey101]

@phoenix666 thank you, I will. 

 

It's so wierd.. the whole thing.. didn't even seem real. I don't even remember seeing her turn in front of me. I can imagine it, but it's not a hard memory you know. Just weird.