Escaping my past.

[Sirius]

Well, my case is I'm dealing with alot of trouble in my life.And it's very hard for me to cope on this society.But i was thinking to just fuck it and leave, go to a shaolin temple and learn Kung Fu.Do you think it would help?My inner world is extremely painfull.But i cant seem to help myself so much here.

Would leaving everything behind help or make things worse.Lots of Confusion in my life.I feel like I'm going to die here on the city.

 

[Solace]

What past do you need to escape Sirius? Did something to you happen you that you would like to talk about for some perspective?

[Sirius]

@Solace Hi Solace

I am basically stuck in a trap of my mind for 4 years.I live in fear 24/7.If you remember , i've made a topic a week ago.

I am afraid of gravity.I know it's stupid.My awareness is on my body all the time.I cant sit and focus for seconds cause I'm afraid and i cant help it.How can i stop this?It's something very complicated running on my mind for years.Cant even explain it to get help.Cant even sit and meditate anymore.I know I'm really negative but I'm suffering for too long.Havent slept for months, my health deteriorating.All kinds of problems.Suicidal thoughts alot also.Cause i really know i've fucked up myself too much.There might be no return.

So i thought, maybe i should just leave, rather than stay and die here.These things will follow me of course but martail arts will help alot.

I am in very serious trouble in my life.And i cannot help myself alone.I need guidance.

 

[Solace]

You already know that you have a team of people here, and one of us is bound to have a good solution. Let's start with the basics first. Let's not flip life upside down, until we are right side up ourselves; as you'll be able to make better decisions when in a good place of mind. Of course, if it is very abusive the relationship you are in, please say, and we'll talk about leaving. For now, through all that you have said, I have something really simple but powerful that can really help you by healing the deep hurt in your mind. It's something I do often too when I feel like life is not taking suggestions from the ground floor (I did it 10 minutes ago actually) You'll find it fun. What you do is blame as much things as you can for one minute. Blame life for all of the pain it's caused you, and the hurt it has put you through. Blame your family or your friends for neglecting you when you needed their support the most, send that blame back to them.

The act of blaming without the other person knowing is actually a healthy thing to do, especially in short bursts. Tell me if you feel better afterwards, or whatever you feel come up.

 

Edited May 9, 2018 by Solace

[Buddha Jackson]

I'm here for you too Sirius, I used to have suicidal thoughts as well. One important thing to keep in mind is thoughts are just thoughts they come and go like the wind. feel free to message me if you want any advice, I'm going to sleep soon but I will get back to you

 

[Sirius]

@Solace You are right.I cannot take decissions yet.I had another terrible panic attack.Came back home, sat on my bed and realized that my mind is OUT OF CONTROL.I need to sit and meditate, be with the pain.Let me body heal.Leaving for now, wont solve the problem.

I will try the blame my friend.And thank you for being here to help.All of you.My journey is extremely difficult.I need to act.I need to quit the bullshit.I am here to express myself fully on this world.

[Sirius]

@Buddha Jackson Thank you for your Video my friend.I will take a look.Sure i'll message you too when i can.

[Rebec]

@Sirius So sorry to hear that you feel this way.

I have dealt myself over the last five years with every anxiety disorder there is. I've been diagnosted with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, General Anxiety Disorder, Specific Phobia Disorder, Panic Disorder with and without Agrofobia. It sucks, it really does. Anxiety and fear is the most cruelling things in the mind. But there is a way out, I've come a long way and almost all of this can be cured. Once you're no longer fearfull, depression and suffering will make loads of room for better feelings.

So I really don't know if I can help you, but a know a ton of stuff on fear and anxiety, so I focus on this points in your post.

8 hours ago, Sirius said:

I am afraid of gravity.

I been affraid of lots of (sometimes very strange) stuff, so it's already great that you can identify what your affraid of. 

When you are affraid don't try to run of these fears. I know, it feels like sh*t. But this affraidness is trying to point you to something beyond. Go back to the source, when did it start? Why doesn't it feel oke to say to yourself that you can be affraid of this? If possible do not blame or judge these feelings, let them be (mindfull observation is enough).

5 hours ago, Sirius said:

I had another terrible panic attack.Came back home, sat on my bed and realized that my mind is OUT OF CONTROL.

Panic attacks, they really, really suck!! Even after 1000 times they still suck. You're mind is not out of control. You are having a completly normal body sensation reaction, yet it is not appriorate to have one in this situation, but your mind doesn't regonise differents in situations. A very helpfull thing is to ask you body (while laying or sitting), to show you the worst attack ever. Really dare you body, and say show me, show all you got. You will notice that your attack will stop (almost immediatly).

5 hours ago, Sirius said:

My journey is extremely difficult.I need to act.I need to quit the bullshit.

Journey's are difficult, no point arguing that. Especially with anxiety and fear, don't act. This may sound counterintuitive, but just going through anxiety or fear and be mindfull of it, is more than enough acting. Why? Because you body and mind need a safe place. Going throught one or more panic attacks a day and being mindfull of it is more than enough progress. If you push yourself more, you will get more (attacks and anxiety).

You're not bullsh*tting yourself. Most people don't take any effort to finding solutions for their problems and deniying and lying to themselves that there is nothing wrong.

If it's possible try a babystep by babystep identifying proces what is bothering you the most and solve this first, by using 'the Work - Byron Katie' or some other kind of inquiry method. Do not try to make yourself better of wanting yourself to be 'normal' of in a different situation (this will only put pressure on your current situation and it's really not helpfull at all). 

Very best of luck on your journey. ?

[Sirius]

@Rebec Hi there.It seems like i could get some help from you.I'll message you when i can.Thanks for taking the time reading and replying to this

I've been identified with this for 4 years now, so its a very strong part of me.Besides my pain and my suffering I'll stay positive.Being negative will lead me to very bad places.

[Nahm]

23 hours ago, Sirius said:

Well, my case is I'm dealing with alot of trouble in my life.And it's very hard for me to cope on this society.But i was thinking to just fuck it and leave, go to a shaolin temple and learn Kung Fu.Do you think it would help?My inner world is extremely painfull.But i cant seem to help myself so much here.

Would leaving everything behind help or make things worse.Lots of Confusion in my life.I feel like I'm going to die here on the city.

 

Wherever you go, there you are. 

Sure it could help, but only because it could be a distraction which helps you to realize you are here now, but thinking about the past or future. 

You don’t need to think about the past or future, though. You could develop the habit of being present where you are. Aware. Eye’s & ears. Now. 

[eputkonen]

On 5/9/2018 at 7:19 AM, Sirius said:

Well, my case is I'm dealing with alot of trouble in my life.And it's very hard for me to cope on this society.But i was thinking to just fuck it and leave, go to a shaolin temple and learn Kung Fu.Do you think it would help?My inner world is extremely painfull.But i cant seem to help myself so much here.

Would leaving everything behind help or make things worse.Lots of Confusion in my life.I feel like I'm going to die here on the city.

 

Wherever you go...you can't escape yourself.

[Nahm]

On 5/9/2018 at 8:19 AM, Sirius said:

Well, my case is I'm dealing with alot of trouble in my life.And it's very hard for me to cope on this society.But i was thinking to just fuck it and leave, go to a shaolin temple and learn Kung Fu.Do you think it would help?My inner world is extremely painfull.But i cant seem to help myself so much here.

Would leaving everything behind help or make things worse.Lots of Confusion in my life.I feel like I'm going to die here on the city.

 

If what you want is to go to the temple, you should go. If it’s escapism, it probably won’t help.

If you’re confused, and don’t know what to do, then go. That way, you’ll know, and you could always leave there. 

[Sirius]

@Nahm It is escapism actually.

I am confused.But I'm afraid i wouldnt cope there also if i go.I need more time to decide.