In Focus

[Journey]

My goal is to enjoy the now more intentionally and frequently.

Who am I? I guess you could say I'm a "student" by standard definitions. I'm transitioning into the "real-world" but with each day my viewpoint of that "real-world" changes. I have been involved with meditation and personal development after struggling with anxiety and depression for most of my childhood. I have already seen and felt the difference that a perspective shift can make, and I'm ready to explore more.

It is bittersweet that I am so easily entertained and enthralled. I can enjoy the simple moments, but I can get caught up in activities very easily. I have a competitive nature. I competed from a young age in sports and academics. I was "successful" and much of my identity was predicated on the acceptance of others. 

In this last week, I am at a turning point. I have taken massive external action based on a recent emotional connection I had with the finite and precious lifetime we have here. I am listening more closely, allowing myself to feel more fully, breathing more deeply and often.

I have been a big fan of The Minimalists for about a year now, but I did not take massive action into moving towards a more minimal lifestyle. So I finally began by moving all of my physical belongings out of my living spaces. This included my home office, bedroom, and bathroom. I did not consider myself messy or a hoarder but upon closer examination, I had so many items that I was not using. Why were they still here? So I sorted through them one by one. I tried to let go and detach.

At this point, about 80% of my belongings now lie in the hall sorted into donate and trash items. My family actually thought I was moving out. Oops!

During this process, I looked at my computer and realized that many of my activities on the computer such as mindless chatting or gaming were not benefitting me. I often found myself "multitasking" AKA frantically switching back and forth between a messenger, a game client, and a homework assignment. 

Today I officially said my farewell to gaming, especially an MMORPG. I may introduce some games in the future, but I see a wealth of other leisure activities that are more fulfilling mentally and physically for me now. 

In the coming weeks, I will continue to document my process of harnessing my focus and living intentionally.

 

Edited March 9, 2016 by Journey
Changed tags.

[misko55]

Just a word of advice about MMORPG , an ex War Thunder , WoT , WoWs , AW and many others addicts ,not counting 2 years of Football Manager which ended with me breaking my laptop twice and almost throwing my computer thru the window. Don´t say you will introduce them in the future , because you will fully get back to it , I know from experience. It took me 5 attempts to not play FM anymore , now it´s 4 years and I don´t miss it!

Trust me , it´s hard to shake those games and you are probably going to have relapses , but if you decide that you might go back to gaming , your going to have a relapse 100%.

I want so much to play the new XCOM 2 game and my subconscious is telling me , it´s okay , this time is going to be different , but it´s never different , it's always same old , same old. It´s hard I know , but you get so much more time to do good stuff that build you! Hang in there!

[Journey]

@misko55 Great advice! I have already seen that play out a few times for me. I have been playing MMORPGs for about 10 years now, sometimes even with a few years in between them. It felt easy to make an excuse at the time by saying there was a new character class or server or rules or whatever it was. I pretended that my only issues with the games is that they had become stale and boring and this time they'd be fun and rewarding.

The tricky part for me is that I really deeply enjoy indie and short games like Firewatch and Life Is Strange. Obviously they are a time sink to play through the first time but they don't have the same mechanics as MMOs. At this point I will refrain from all games, but I am debating whether I can "game responsibly" with these or if I'm better off leaving gaming behind entirely.

Gaming has been part of my identity since I was about 4 years old when I first watched and tried out games, so it is bizarre to imagine myself without them, but right now the cost is so much greater than they are worth. I have bigger dreams now.

I wish us both the best of luck and thank you for your kind reply, friend. 

[misko55]

Gaming is my identity since Wolfenstein 3D , yup , that long and ohhh boy do I want to play Firewatch!! And this " game responsibly" I know that voice in my head and no , it´s not possible , we are just like alcoholics , one sipp and it´s over , all of the hard work to get of it is thrown down the wind!

Why don´t we help each other , when you want to play send me a PM and I will talk you out of it and you can do the same?

[Journey]

@misko55 Smart idea! I will be glad to PM and be your "accountability buddy."

Maybe it would be useful to get clear on some reasons we no longer want to game. Maybe our 3 main reasons for each of us? That way we can be reminded of those should we forget.

I'll start with my 3 primary motivations.

Reasons to Let Go of Gaming:
1. I will gain more time and mental energy to commit to my fitness and diet goals, by reclaiming hours of the each day.
2. I will gain more peace of mind, by losing the stress and obligation of games.
3. I will gain more financial freedom to invest mindfully, instead of throwing away money on digital objects.

[misko55]

Good idea.

1. It takes too much time , I remember Saturdays and Sunday that I did nothing but gaming.

2. They are no longer fun , online games are all about the grind , it´s like a second job.

3.I want to live , I regret choosing games over some experiences in my past

[Journey]

@misko55 And now we have it in writing. Best of luck to us both this week. Stay strong, friend.

[Journey]

I am having a mental conflict regarding the reordering of physical or external space versus the reordering of my internal space and mind.

At what point am I becoming distracted from the deep work and power of meditation, by putting my time and effort into clearing my physical space? I want to free myself from objects and coveted trophies. They are to be tools to add to the splendor of life and help craft experiences.

But then next thing I know when I am reorganizing or cluttering I start to object worship once more. I subvert my actual goal to try to craft my space to be pristine and more like a model or museum than a functioning workshop. That then makes it a holy ground that I don't dare trample by actually using it...

I can feel already some of my increased mental clarity as I let go of the physical items but more than that I let go of my attachment to the items and the societal standards of ownership. I want to be okay with some mess, because I feel a fully lived life is messy. We seek to be intentional but that should not doom us to be orderly robots. 

 

[Journey]

Today I'm trying out simplification and an overall lack of stimuli. I want to sense my awareness and mind more directly. I have tried silent retreats or practices or sabbaths before so this relates. In a sense, I am feeling the need to "detox" from all my overstimulation - games, content, music.

Just get back to the "I am." Detaching from an expectation to always be "entertained" because when I look under the surface I see that most of my "entertainment" was not a very enjoyable experience, but a detachment and escape from the joy of being. It was a way to numb my senses by overwhelming them.

[Irina Irina]

@Journey i find this very eliberating too. Organising your stuff and throw what you don't use anymore.

[Journey]

@Irina Irina It is amazing how much of our identity and memories can get wrapped up in items we barely even see, let alone actually use! 

[Journey]

Today I felt how deep my compulsion towards entertainment/gaming is, so I am trying to remain mindful and redirect my energy in a positive way.

Electronic Detox: 
I have removed my gaming computer from my space but I found myself thinking "What about my handheld console? What about my old gaming systems? I can't get rid of those, right?" I try to make an exception for these games though they still have the same fundamental negative impact on me as the other games I already chose to avoid. In addition, I have stored away my mobile device in another room entirely in a drawer so it is not in an arm's reach any longer. No phone games either.

Home Declutter:
I am continuing to clear out my physical spaces. I have the basic items now set aside which I surely want to get rid of, but now I am combing back through the items that made it back into rooms. Does this add value? How would I feel if I got rid of this? I find a lot of the items somehow attempt to reflect my identity such as scale models that I have built or plushes of my favorite characters from games or little figurines. While I do really appreciate my scale models and respect the process as a meditative activity, I'm not sure what I should keep or even why it has become such a big issue for me now. My next steps are to continue removing the final few items at this stage, then packing up the donation items to drop off and making attempts to sell a few electronics.

Diet:
I have begun a new vegetable juicing routine and I am continuing to cook my own meals based on macronutrient values (https://legionathletics.com/flexible-dieting/) I am completely removing soda and other sugary drinks and sweets in favor of good ole water, veggie juice, and the occasional black coffee (though that may get the boot as well.) I have a dedicated reusable water bottle that I will be keeping full and with me throughout my day. I am removing the overly processed food from my diet. I'm actively researching a vegetarian or vegan lifestyle. I don't eat much meat to begin with, nor do I crave it, so I see this as a reasonable shift, with a bit of research and determination.

Fitness:
I have a light fitness routine going but I would like to be more intentional about it. There is a gym nearby that I have access to but have not visited in years. I do have some weights and a balance board at home, so I am contemplating what a good system might look like for me. For now I am practicing a minimum of 30 minutes a day of light exercise no matter my schedule or timing. This is mainly broken up into 3 different 10 minute sessions throughout my day. My goal is to respect my body to ensure that I can continue to enjoy life to the fullest extent without physical pain or lethargy. I have been within a healthy weight for several years now, but I am focused instead on becoming a fit and strong individual. I feel frail and easily find myself exerted when I even slightly alter my activity levels. I'll continue to track and build my habit.

Sleep:
I was previously staying up until about 3 am nightly to either game or finish some academic assignments. I was waking up around 11 am. While I don't identify as a "morning person" I think I could see benefits from more intentionally sleeping and enjoying the beauty of daytime (aka feeling sunlight and nature more often). I now aim to sleep before midnight, even if that means I lay there for a few hours before sleeping. I must make sure not to keep my mobile device or electronics or even books by my bed or I will likely become caught up in these instead of easing into sleep.

Finances:
I didn't think I "needed" a budget and I didn't think I had enough income to justify it. That led to a lot of mindless spending that was revealed during my home declutter process. I had bought multiples of many items or much more than I needed. I am working now to get rid of all my existing debt, though I have a car payment looming over my head currently. I am building a safety, putting aside money for future rent or home purchase, and adding to a retirement fund. I have rebuilt my monthly spending budget taking away all the "wants" minus those which I currently use to grow and operate as a designer such as Adobe Creative Cloud, my domain name, and my design club subscriptions.

My Finance Resources:
1. Money Podcast: 

2. Retirement Planning Article: http://www.theminimalists.com/retirement/#tools
3. Need, Want, Like Article: http://www.theminimalists.com/want/
4. Saving/Investment Tool: https://www.betterment.com/
5. Budgeting Tool: https://www.everydollar.com/

Mindfulness/Meditation:
With my newly found free time (after giving up gaming) I have resumed my 20 minute morning meditation and I intend to do my nightly reflection and 20 minute evening meditation as well. I previously built a morning and nighttime ritual so I am going to look back through my old notes and revise those. I notice myself today getting caught up in a train of thought or going down a rabbit hole of actions for the sake of achievement without really considering the "Why?" I will work more with this and remain compassionate and accepting towards myself. I best not let my critical mind beat myself up over this. Acceptance. Acceptance. Acceptance.

The Big Vision:
When studying the topic of motivation through Leo's videos and others, I realized I do not have a clear larger purpose to contribute positively to others using my current skills and knowledge. I am trained as a graphic designer. While I feel a personal sense of flow when I am designing, I know my creative thinking and imagination can be used for something much greater. In many traditional "career paths" design is used to fuel impulsive materialism, which I have a deep ethical guilt about. It's not about the money. Life is so much more than products and services. We face tremendous issues as a society and as a planet, that we can affect positively using our imagination and our willpower.

Edited March 10, 2016 by Journey
Grammar. Formatting. Added "Finances" and "The Big Vision" sections.

[Irina Irina]

@Journey I feel like it's "the elephant in the room". We know we have stuff we don't use, well placed but we don't touch them. When we open "pandora's box" and give them away we feel better

[Journey]

@Irina Irina It's a funny game we play! 

I kept so much stuff around, hoarding all these resources, when there are many without even their basic needs for shelter and clothing met. So I will continue to let go and hopefully my neglected objects can find use with another.

Peace be with you, my friend.

[Irina Irina]

Peace 

[Journey]

I may benefit from being more mindful about my inclination to multitask, which is actually just ineffectively switching between tasks. I can choose what I will focus on during specific times of the day and not switch back and forth between two or more tasks.

[Journey]

Here's an update on my progress for today. I will likely be evolving my journal format as time progresses but here it is for now.


Electronic Detox:
No games today! Day 1 complete! I am debating selling or donating my gaming computer and remaining consoles. I have them all stored in a box at this point, so I will not easily access them to play.

I used my phone a few times throughout the day to check my messages. I got caught up in a social feed for a few minutes but caught myself. I think in the future I can set different key points throughout the day to check my device. If I check my device in the morning or late evening, it derails my focus and schedule. Maybe I will try checking once in the late morning and once again in the early evening. I will test this tomorrow.

Home Declutter: 
I removed all trash and recycle items from my home. I packaged all donation items to drop off tomorrow. I have a few items that are listed to sell or that I will be listing. I feel a large sense of relief. I will be combing through my remaining items in the next few weeks to remove anything that is still going unused. Now my challenge is to be more aware and intentional about the objects that I bring into my life, so as to not wind up with rooms full of unused objects once more. My new budget will help in this area. 

Diet:
I stuck to my meal plans and even cooked some additional meals for this week. I began researching new recipes specifically those that are vegetarian and vegan. I will need to consider my budget and setting aside time to prepare my meals to ensure my sustained success. I would like to purchase some ingredients this weekend to try out some of the recipes. 

I am not sure how much water I drank but I estimate it to be about 5 glasses. I had a veggie drink and a black coffee as well. 

Fitness:
I stuck to my fitness plan of 30+ minutes of light exercise with some weights, pushups, sit ups, squats, and playing around on a balance board. I will be heading to the gym 3-5 times a week starting tomorrow for more intense 45 minute workouts instead of lighter but more frequent ones.

Mindfulness/Meditation:
I am already noticing an extreme increase in my energy levels and alertness. I don't feel so caught up in thought. I think I will slowly ramp up my dedicated 20 minute morning and evening meditations. I also want to allow dedicated space for personal development (reading, videos, the forum, etc.) as I have a number of insightful resources now.

I found great value in this video today:

The Big Vision:
I am still contemplating my "big purpose/vision" and I am considering Leo's Life Purpose course. Tomorrow, I will be speaking with a mentor on this topic.

All the Rest: 
Tomorrow I'll be heading to receive a long overdue haircut. This is an extension of letting go of my past and making sure I leave room in my life to treat and maintain my body. As strange as it may sound, my long hair was a major part of my identity and my comfort blanket. It's time to boldly embrace change. (Chop away!)

I intend to work on a creative project as well, so this will be a good chance to practice an "alert calmness" and openness to ideas throughout my creative process. I must remember not to become frustrated or critical of myself, as I am exploring a software program on a deeper level than I am used to.

I became more aware of my ego's desire for acceptance, as I spoke to a family member about my decluttering process and views on looking for peace or joy in external possessions. I was met with frustration and my curiosity and sharing was perceived as a personal attack. I expected that the person would be overjoyed about my growth as they assured me often that they "just want me to be happy." I will work to let go of this expectation and keep on flowing. I cannot expect everyone to understand what I'm doing or why or to support my direction and I cannot slow or derail myself because of their negative feedback.


I am always welcome to comments, questions, constructive feedback, and good conversation so feel free to reply. Thank you for reading and seeing a glimpse of my growth process. I am highly grateful to have found this community.

Peace for now, my friend. 

Edited March 10, 2016 by Journey
Reordering.

[Journey]

I'll post more this evening but I wanted to share something while it is fresh. This is a recount of my meditation experience. As always, I am open to any insights, comments, or questions on this. Thank you, friends.

Mindfulness/Meditation:
I went into my evening meditation with little expectation. After all, I had meditated many times before and nothing too "extraordinary happened" so I had was bordering cynicism.

During this meditation experience, I realized how deeply the self's need for both permission and approval goes. Searching for this green light to follow what the intuition already knew and has known through all of this. I felt I needed a credible source, a wise nod, a fact-checked system. But why?

This phrase repeated over and over: "There's no 'I' to lose." 

 When the greater self lets go of the ego, what is there left to lose?
I can lose my status in a society.
I can lose my sense of wellbeing or security.
I can lose my money. I can seem to lose "my" love, though I know it is always here.
So what is left?
Why must the ego act to constantly protect and shield and hinder experience and presence?

Is the mind and the body the greater self's temporary chosen form or tool to manifest something? Is the ego a confusion of this or illusion, a tool attempting to fix a tool that needs no fixing at all? A tool's primary function in this metaphor is to fix something or alter something, that implies that there actually is something of importance to do here. Is that the case? Do tools imply chaos or that there are actually problems to be solved or is there another way to frame this?

The "me" is a construct in the same way that one can see a painting of a human being and attribute it to a personality, to a soul, to a past, present future. That is as much the "me" as the "me" ego that the greater self sometimes identifies with.

There was a great peace at this point, even as these questions rolled through and onward. There was a serenity both unfamiliar but familiar. That was perhaps the actual "permission/approval" that the "me" wanted here - the love and acceptance of the greater self.



 

Edited March 10, 2016 by Journey

[Journey]

Here is my end-of-day update as I prepare for my evening meditation and sleep.

Electronic Detox: 
I am losing my compulsion to play games as I am finding more energy and joy in other places. I am having some difficulties with my cellphone. My plan was to check it twice a day for messages (email, text, social) but I typically use it for my guided meditations and music. There may be an app or means similar to an airplane mode that will help with this. I will explore this more tomorrow. 

Home Declutter:
I dropped off my donation items today so my space is clear. I will seek to clear away any remaining items and make a decision on my gaming consoles. I intend to price check them and list them for sale, if I am going to get rid of them. 

Diet:
I am joyous about this area. I was able to cook my meals and gather some ingredients for vegetarian meals today, while staying in my budget. I aim to transition to a fully vegetarian diet over the next week and then test some vegan meals. Something that struck me the other day was hearing that the consciousness has no species. Consciousness is not human or animal. While I cannot say for sure of course that I know the the correlation between the consciousness of an animal in comparison to a human, I can say that I desire to treat all of the universe with kindness. I want my diet to be a reflection of that.

Fitness:
I took the leap. I went to the gym today for 45 minutes for some compound lifting and isolated lifting to build my arm, shoulder, and core strength. I would like to implement a yoga segment as well to work on my range of motion. Tomorrow, I will add in a 20 minute yoga segment.

Sleep:
Although I didn't get to sleep until a little later than I anticipated, I woke up a bit early. There was a jackhammer going outside. I tried to look at this as a positive and humorous thing, rather than be upset by it. I had some peculiar dreams though I've forgotten them now.

(No Finance or Mindfulness/Meditation updates)

The Big Vision:
I spoke to a mentor today about my "big question." She was very encouraging and showed me some examples of people who have taken a path of giving based in creativity, arts, and design. I am still wrestling with my desire for status, security, and validation. I want to accept myself fully, so I do not give so much weight to the opinions of the doubters. I suspect that connecting more directly with a supportive community will accelerate my journey (like this forum.) I am greatly considering Leo's Life Purpose course at this stage.

All the Rest:
I am joyously exhausted today. I was able to accomplish everything I intended to except actually working on my creative project. I lack the drive in this area because I feel it does not match, if not actually contradicts my vague hints of my big vision. This contradiction creates both frustration and fuel for me to find a path that aligns with my intuition and passions.

Life feels different now.

Edited March 11, 2016 by Journey

[misko55]

Wow your doing great! And isn´t it great how much more time we have since deciding not to play video games. Shit I wish I stopped ages ago. Better late then never.