Free will, truth, live & laziness, boredom, being stuck concept

[Paradoxisabichoflive]

This self actualization is a ego-destructive paradox.  My ego is confuses right now. Just for context - i left my formal education because I didn’t felt it is effective and grounded to reality - I thought- i can do it better on my own. I wanted to live independetly making art and in the end it was fulfilled and im making art for other people. [of course after lots of ups and downs and live crashes...] . Durring process of fulfilling this i had habbit of meditation [looking inwards, going with flow etc] and it was consistent. After some point i got “ego death” “nirvana” “feeling of infinite love” “non dual experience “  whatever you call it. It was the most powerfull experience i got - it wasnt even my goal, and did not used any drugs plants etc in my live to achieve this.  After that i was still working making art for people and earned more money than ever [which never was my goal] . With time i felt more and more detached from this realm. I could summon this nondual experience whenever ill focus during meditation. It makes me feel better during this state than while ‘living“. I got to the point that i stopped this meditation shit because it was affecting my ego live, but i ralized that this state can be independent of my will of “lets meditade”. So the power of now is my kinda live but my ego still exists and im aware of that.

Here is the turning point. I have clients- people’s  that want me to do art for them but besides i have time, tallent, resources to make it, im having struggles with it right now. Im just forcing myself to do it like seriously i need mega ultra forcing my self do to it. This is one of many activities that icant rationaly explain why i cant do thing that serves my ego. Whats funny i recently got so physcaly non attached to this world that i couldnt do anything, its like wind of live tells me to sit and just be.  BUT when i do it then i feel so much of my live energy that its like feeling i could leave my awareness from my physical realm, but whenever i feel that, im trying concussiously resist because im thinking that i dont want to leave my parents or peoples that relays  on that ill do my work for them. - this is very powerful experience like saying yes or now to the reality.

Looking for solutions [because i can solve shit on my own *thinking] like always from the internent i find out this video from leo that he shared his insight that to get rid of ego you need to die physically but consciously. I have mostly resonance with what im considering as  “the truth” and it felt like leo was talking to me. I mean- he uploaded this video in the day when i realy wanted to find the answer. It was so touching that i realized that those states i had are guiding me to detached from this world. My conclusion is that my spirit and ego self , evolved to the point of paradox. I can live, having good live serving others or just “die” because everything is illusion that is collapsing with each looking into it. Is writing this ego selfdefense mahanism? What are your insights on this? I have work to do , few crossed deadlines but i have like force field around it, that cant rationalize - it gives money, people are happy it makes me living so dont know whats going on. Should i submit to the feeling  durring meditation/suffer with it/force to live serving others? 

I mean those divine states are like real  blissful nondual experiences and those ego based i feel like forced. I literally forced myself from divine state to summon my ego self to write this shit. Lets see if your perspective give me some insights to understand this... 

[Nahm]

@Paradoxisabichoflive There is no problem. 

[Paradoxisabichoflive]

@Nahm How is that? Im pissing people to whom i decared that i do my work,  but its hard as ever despite i did it without any problem before...  it makes me confused. Trying to have control is like walking against the powerfull wind of the momentum of universe. Its hard to accept that lol

Edited May 6, 2018 by Paradoxisabichoflive

[Nahm]

@Paradoxisabichoflive Not sure what you’re saying there. 

[Paradoxisabichoflive]

14 minutes ago, Nahm said:

@Paradoxisabichoflive Not sure what you’re saying there. 

@Nahm You wrote that you didn’t saw problem in situation described in 1st post so i pointed where i see one of the ‘problem’, reffering to my 1st post.

Edited May 6, 2018 by Paradoxisabichoflive

[Nahm]

@Paradoxisabichoflive Could you state what you want in one sentence? Not trying to be critical, just trying to find clarity. 

[Paradoxisabichoflive]

Someone’s [who experienced similar things ] perspective/opinion/guide/answers on the questions and situations described in the 1st post. Whatever from that

[Guest Quanty]

Self Actualization for me is healing the body/rejuvenation and neural pathways. 

[Paradoxisabichoflive]

I got it more clearly now... About my orignal post- whoever got what i meant by it and have similar problem,  the solution is always to push yourself towards balance that serves the best for yourself and the enviroment. I was basicly addicted from meditation, and non dual state. If something makes you disfuncional in life then, step away from it and balance it out. Make the intention that guides you to better version of your self always. You are what you belive in.  Also another insight i got is that the ego is the reflection of your belifes about yourself. Make it your friend, cooperate with it. Most of te spiritual guides on the internet makes the 'feel' about ego that this is something bad, that you should get rid - wrong! This is the interconection with this world - the way how  you work with it reflect your relationship with the reality. It is lens that define your illusion of reality so take full responsibility for it. If you suck at something then its because you belive in it, and you will suck at it till you dont change your believes. Belives is the self perpetuating engine. Who controls your belives control yourself. The meditation is workbench for your ego once you cleared your mind and have intention to change something. Also noticed that many guides about self development on the internet have intention to 'get rid of the illusion' and no one tells what after that. The answer is - cooperate with it, change it for better. Its like going outside of circle of awareness that influensed you but now you are creating this circle. I could basicly write about it forever. Hope @Leo Gura will make video about ego traps of  misinterpretation of self development guides- if he survives his monthly 'retreat' ... Also another inight is that you could be addicted from tutorials about selfdevelopment, or you might to much rely on them -watch on that too. Your main developent tool is you yourself - remember that! You are the guru! Develop own insights! Look inwards!

[Nahm]

@Paradoxisabichoflive ?? See, no problem...see no problem. 

[ajasatya]

@Paradoxisabichoflive there's nothing to be understood about Truth.

go out and breathe!

[Paradoxisabichoflive]

Thank you

[NoSelfSelf]

You should go all the way not half now when you have "half" you are not happy with either one...

[Paradoxisabichoflive]

Got it. Thanks

[Paradoxisabichoflive]

“Victim victimazer” was broken

[Paradoxisabichoflive]

Why? Whether you are all fooled or you are into this...   All this enlightening bullshit comes to opening your body for soul exchange - in common language: possesion by demon/alien/satan- whatever! I neded to be exorcised to get rid of it! Jesus Christ is the way! Dont get fooled! You are manipulated by very, i mean very inteligent beings! They are so smart and sneaky!  Theyll start to separate you from Jesus, then they separate you from friends, then theyll try to separate you from those who you love - all this enlightening process is designed to manipulate you so that you allow for this. Then desparately youll be looking for salvation and guess what ‚pursuit enlightement’ - First it feels like you are getting nirvana, then your whole life is getting more and more well arranged, then you are getting spiritual experiences that feels like wakeing up. (Its unconcious devil contract. They are climbing through energetic spine from the base to your brain. If they get into your brain then its ‚game over’ - they got your body (guess). The nirvana feeling is impregnating your spirit with ‚it’ - i guess. If your free will is distorted by ‚something’ then its attached to you! Its not normal. Read possesion syndromes if you have some then pray to Jesus Christ and talk with exorcist. THEY are waching biological pairing to get the right targets since ages. If you or your parents saw light orbs on the sky then be aware of it because you might be the target. They planed to get me before i was even born! Its alien hijacking of conciousness and body! This spiritual notion is mind program to get you all fooled! They want to conceptualized ‚reality’ in such a way that you belive you are god! NO! You you are part of the God! THEY are separated from creation-from God and they want to get back to it using us! This whole awakening process is to separate you from the true God! Cant belive its hapening! Its important - Dont open your eyes when you feel to wake up! Pray to Jesus Christ and get in contact with exorcist-youll not belive what you were holding/or what hold you (i was sceptic too)! They somehow are afraid of Jesus Christ. If you spell his name loud and your body start shakeing vibrainting etc then its like torch getting lit to your salvation - keep it lit and get rid of this energetic parasite through Jesus Christ with a help of exorcist. @Leo Gura i honestly dont know what is in your case since you are using psyhodelics and maybe you werent hijacked, but please reconsider talking about this till it will be to late for all of ‚spiritual developers’. Its very dangerous and you are not even aware of the danger which is very real. There is plenty videos and relations of what i wrote - its real. Please dont play the chosen one by something ‚higher’ - its dumb thing that is propagated unconciously also to fool you. Please spread this message and give your relation if you experienced/noticed that too! Its all alien trojan horse. Be aware of the moon and the grey aliens and their flying orbs! In the name of Jesus Christ the one and only true Son of God that came to bring salvation to us please take this message to your heart till it will be to late in the last days for those who were fooled... I was into this ‚conciousness/new age’ things too so ill understand if you call me crazy or ‚not enlightened’ or Christian beliver - few months ago i would do that too... please be vigilant Christian. If you have no control over your body and you are ‚observer’ then you were fooled.... There is free will! 

Edited August 13, 2018 by Paradoxisabichoflive