Darkness Retreat and LSD Report

[okulele]

A while back I created this thread, asking about your tips for Darkness Retreat Strategy:

Some of you warned me against using psychedelics in there. Well, me being a crazy person ended up taking 100mcg of LSD in there "just in case I feel confident".

 

Darkness Retreat

Basically I went into a completely light-proof room (almost completely sound-proof) and stayed there for 7 straight days. The room was well prepared for this. It had a bed, a mediation cushion, a shelf for some stuff, space for exercise and a bathroom. The retreat staff came in once a day bringing food and some herbal tea. It was VERY dark. Most of the time I had no idea if my eyes are closed or open.

The First Days

I decided I would like to try out fasting while in the dark. The lights went off and I went to sleep. I slept for a long time and I slept well. After I caught up on all the sleep I ever needed, I started meditating and hanging around. Time is very tricky in the dark, there is nothing really to orient yourself according to except for the once a day visit by the food-bringers. That was one of the factors that started bringing up a lot of anxiety, another one was the hunger pangs from the fasting. Soon I was going in and out of intense fear, survival mode and deep helplessness. As if my first chakra decided it was time to clear all that has ever been clogged up in there. Fear of the dark, fear for my body and health, fear of nothingness, fear for my life. Fear, fear, fear. It usually came in waves. It came in, I panicked for a bit, I let go. Repeat. It was tough and I decided to end my fast on day 2, which helped me a lot.

Befriending the Darkness

With something to fill up my belly life became much more bearable. The fear was getting milder, and although other emotions started coming up, I seemed to develop strong mindfulness, which helped me overcome them with more ease. I started working out, using EFT, and mediating more deeply. Most of the time I sit in Strong Determination Sits with awareness in my body, which helped tremendously with the constant floods of emotions coming up. I had a lot of time to contemplate what an emotion is and found out that it is basically a feeling in the body + a though saying "this feeling is terrible, I can't stand it". With my attention in the body and looking at the feelings as they were, it was hard for me to be fooled into an emotional crisis again.

The LSD Experience

By the time day 5 came I felt very confident with  myself handling the darkness (and by that I mean the emotions the darkness brings). After my food arrived and I ate a little I decided to give the LSD a shot.

With the LSD up and running I got into a very deep meditation. All the emotional hustle from before was gone. I was gone. I was transparent. Experience was flowing very smoothly and soon I decided to lay down with open arms and legs and give myself away fully.I was lying in blissful emptiness and with every moment I was surrendering deeper. And just like that terror came. A thought came telling me I was under attack, I was in danger and it was believed in. At that moment I understood how seriously I underestimated the depths I was getting into with darkness and LSD combined.

It was as if the mind let me relax sooo much, just to be able to hurt me at my deepest core. And I was hurt. I was hurt deeply. I will not be explaining exactly what happened, it should be enough to say that never have I realized such terror, fear and anxiety could be experienced. I was helpless, there seemed to be nothing I could do. I was thrown into hell and I was burning. There seemed to be no hope, until I remembered the words of an amazing teacher - "Whatever arises, love that". And there seemed to be nothing else I could do. I put my hands as into prayer and started whispering "I love you". Over and over again.

These words made a change. Where there was nothing but darkness and horror just a moment ago, a spark of light lit up. And with every repetition of this phrase, the spark was getting brighter and brighter. And it did not come from out there, it came from inside of me.

The next couple of hours were one of the most horrifying once in my life. As if all the suffering of the world came into the dark room to be lit by the light of my love. And I got overwhelmed, I got hurt again and again I found the light inside me and loved the horrors. Over and over again. I could try to explain the horror , but I really don't have the words for it.

But one thing became clear. Love is what matters. Love is what is. Love is what all of us crave, what every part of us craves. There seems to be nothing else.

Love is my gift to the world. It is not a thing I have to develop. It is my nature and it is here to be given to everyone and everything.

After these horrors, I realized one thing. I was loving. I was loving the good and the bad. The beautiful and the ugly. The pleasant and the unpleasant. It made no difference at all. My heart burst open. And in the darkness, it shone. Obviously not illuminating the physical world, but it shone nonetheless basically blinding me.

The Final Days

I was hurt. I was scared very deeply. But from an infinitely deeper place still I was loving. And I am.

The days after were a mix of my person being traumatized and my Self loving it in every moment.

And the last day I finally got that the mystics are right. It IS one. There is one experience. There is no more. And finally even the person was in peace.

Out In The Light

The light hit me hard. And it revealed infinity. It revealed beauty. In every place, in every moment there is an infinite happenings going on. And it is all beautiful. And it is all one. What a mind fuck, right?

[Richard Alpert]

Nice one. 

Dark room retreat sounds pretty hardcore.

Did that experience last or fade away?

[Viking]

are you still traumatized?

[Nahm]

@okulele Freakin awesome dude. Believe it or not, there’s more too. 

[cirkussmile]

I'm happy for you ❤️

 

Where did you go? 

[okulele]

19 hours ago, Richard Alpert said:

Nice one. 

Dark room retreat sounds pretty hardcore.

Did that experience last or fade away?

I am not exactly in the infinite-depth-love-mode 24/7, but there is greater self acceptance present even when some of my shadows are coming up. Also I have started doing a little loving-kindness meditation and with that I can access my heart energy very strongly now.

 

14 hours ago, Viking said:

are you still traumatized?

No, the trauma is all healed up. But during the experience and some time after I was sure I have been scarred for life.

 

13 hours ago, Nahm said:

@okulele Freakin awesome dude. Believe it or not, there’s more too. 

Can't wait to see

13 hours ago, cirkussmile said:

I'm happy for you ❤️

 

Where did you go? 

The retreat was in Czech Republic.

[Space]

@okulele Dayum, that sounds intense! I imagine just the dark room retreat alone would have been a powerful experience, but ending it with a LSD trip as well! Sounds like you handled it well though, and got a lot of out of it... or rather let a lot go. Thanks for sharing.

[S33K3R]

Wow that is awesome!!! Thanks for sharing!!