Awareness Is A Problem. I Am Weak, I Must Stay Plugged Into the Matrix

[Theprofessional]

I am young, 19 years old, but because of years of dedication to meditation I have experienced absolute truth many times. I have seen reality for what it is, how none of this is actually real, how I am the universe. I have seen how life itself is a manipulation in reality, how life itself is a disruption in the balance of the universe. I have come face to face with the devil and seen that evil is not real. I have spent a big part of my life with nothing on my mind except "expand your awareness" in all situations in the hope that it would lead to the truth... and it is destroying my life. I can now see through the illusions, but it is leaving me unfocused and causing my material human life to crumble. I go to college, but I now see that getting in debt just to be able to break my back at some public-approved government slave job is terrible and I am no longer motivated to get good grades. I have a job as a courtesy clerk at a grocery store to help pay the bills, and sometimes I stack people's bag poorly and crush their food because my brain is too busy thinking about my ego. I don't try to impress girls I find attractive anymore because I see that putting on a show for some temporary pleasure is a waste of time. I feel great on days when I give up looking for the answers, I do my jobs better, and people like being around me more because I'm smiling and thinking about being charasmatic instead of seeing them as pieces of cardboard in a grand illusion. IF I HAD IT MY WAY, I'd drop out of school, quit my job, and go to some abandoned location on a grassy hillside and spend a year studying the nature in the area and meditating, but I come from a family that is extremely ego driven and they would immediately disown me as a "bum" and a "total failure" if I did that, probably for life. They would never understand. I don't have the strength to go against my family legacy, so I think if I'm not going all-in in this I should just give it all up at this point. I think I have to "stay plugged into the Matrix" and just play the stupid game like everyone else. I don't know. What do you think? Can someone help me?

[tsuki]

What do you need this awareness for, friend?
Awareness itself is not a problem. It the compulsive need for it that is ruining your life.
Why do you need to need something to pursue it?
Why do you need to like something to pursue it?

Would it be perhaps that you need to like, or would like to need?
Isn't that a little contrived of you?

Edited May 6, 2018 by tsuki
Compulsive need is not yours. It simply is.

[Prabhaker]

37 minutes ago, Theprofessional said:

I don't have the strength to go against my family legacy, so I think if I'm not going all-in in this I should just give it all up at this point.

Meditation needs great work. It is arduous, it is an uphill task. To remain non-meditative is easy in a way. You have not to do anything about it, you are already non-meditative. 

[aurum]

40 minutes ago, Theprofessional said:

IF I HAD IT MY WAY, I'd drop out of school, quit my job, and go to some abandoned location on a grassy hillside and spend a year studying the nature in the area and meditating, but I come from a family that is extremely ego driven and they would immediately disown me as a "bum" and a "total failure" if I did that, probably for life. They would never understand. I don't have the strength to go against my family legacy, so I think if I'm not going all-in in this I should just give it all up at this point.

I had a similar situation in college. I didn't have the strength to say "fuck it" either until a couple years after I graduated.

It may be part of your journey that you actually have to be in the Matrix for a bit longer. You may still have some lessons to learn or skills to gain before breaking out.

Or, you could double down on your resolve to break out. Read books like Toxic Parents by Susan Forward and If You Had Controlling Parents by Dan Neuharth. Realize that what they are doing is ultimately selfish and not about you at all. And of course, keep up the spiritual work.

[Theprofessional]

@tsuki Because if I didn't feel I needed to do it, if I didn't have a purpose to go in that direction, what would be the point?

[tsuki]

If everything needs a point, then what is the point of having a point?

You know the ultimate point of all existence, don't you?
What is the point of rushing there?

Edited May 6, 2018 by tsuki

[Theprofessional]

@tsuki I don't know everything, and I am rushing because I want to exploit the game of Time. I want to obtain these powerful insights early on so I can use the rest of my life to give them back to the world in various ways

[Arkandeus]

2 hours ago, Theprofessional said:

@tsuki I don't know everything, and I am rushing because I want to exploit the game of Time. I want to obtain these powerful insights early on so I can use the rest of my life to give them back to the world in various ways

there is plenty of time

perhaps you want to be able to take distance from your family in a loving way

now that you've stumbled on blockage, appreciate it, give this your loving attention

to be free now also means letting go of the desire to be free

love grows

[tsuki]

3 hours ago, Theprofessional said:

@tsuki I don't know everything, and I am rushing because I want to exploit the game of Time. I want to obtain these powerful insights early on so I can use the rest of my life to give them back to the world in various ways

Where would you obtain these from? From the world?
Who would you give them back to? The world?
Why would the world need them from you if it gave them away?
Would it be perhaps that you think that you can make these insights better somehow?
Aren't you the one that claims to not know everything?

You are the world, but you don't know that yet. If you try to conquer the world, you will only conquer yourself.
If you can't see that, then it will always seem like the world is hostile towards you.
Because you cannot accept that you are it.

The same applies to your family. You are your family.
You are its member, but you are also the one that decides that your family is terrible.
There is no other family than the one you see as terrible.
Your family is terrible because you see it as such.
Then - you rebel against it and complain that they don't understand your will for freedom.

If you won't care for your family, your family won't care for you.
If you fight it, you will be aware of possibility of retaliation.
How would you know love from hate in such a situation?
Aren't you loving your family through your rebellion? So that they see how rotten they are?
Are you willing to accept that they fight back so that you see that you are rotten?
That you smear with rot everything that you see by rebelling against it?

Tell me this: can you see awareness?
Is it perhaps that it is the only thing in existence that is not rotten?
isn't that precisely because you cannot see it?

What if you are awareness and you cannot see that?
It would be a self-fulfilling prophecy, now wouldn't it?

Edited May 7, 2018 by tsuki

[Nahm]

@Theprofessional Honesty will set you free.

[Maycol]

9 hours ago, tsuki said:

Tell me this: can you see awareness?
Is it perhaps that it is the only thing in existence that is not rotten?
isn't that precisely because you cannot see it?

What if you are awareness and you cannot see that?
It would be a self-fulfilling prophecy, now wouldn't it?

Dude...