Depression - Hard and sad feelings about relationships +

[Shir]

Hey Everyone !

First off, I would like to give my thanks to anyone and everyone reading this right now. It means the world to me ! And I would like to give thanks to the existence of this forum, Thanks to Leo Gura. I've written quite a few posts in the pasts, especially about my Depression and different aspects to it, however I felt the deep need to write another question right now as it has been sitting on my soul in such a hard and heavy way. I think the topic of "relationships" (romantic relationships) to be exact, are something that is just a part of life and I didn't want to ignore my feelings on it and as a response, would rather let people hear me out and listen to anything you might offer. I sadly have yet to really, really see anyone share such feelings as I do (about the topic) and so feel it's important to bring it up - at LEAST to see how alone I am on this tbh.

So long story short - I've been feeling deep, sad and heavy feelings about the whole topic of Romantic Relationships for the pasts 2 plus months or so. It probably doesn't seem like such a big deal to a lot of people, but since it's been weighing long and heavy on my heart, for a long while and literally on a daily basis (actually at times even keeping me up at night) - I thought it was best to share and hope for the best. 

For reference sake, I'm a Lady in her mid 20's, a virgin and literally never been in a relationship...ever. Never even kissed or gotten kissed, never been on a date (never gotten asked) and never even held hands with a guy, much less gotten the pleasure of hugging a man no longer than a few seconds. Sad, I know. I used to REALLY take this to heart, the fact that I haven't experienced any of this, especially being almost 26 now. I used to cry in high school about it, later on in the Military and being at University and still now even having not experienced what's it like to even go on a date. The very thought used to get me all giddy when I was younger (dating ect). I HAVE been in love, very much so, in the past and it always happens with people who I just didn't get the pleasure of meeting. You could say that it was a "long distance relationship" that just never got to fruition, sadly. He was my very first love and I'm pretty sure I still love him deeply till this very day. It was in my Early 20's till about hmm age 23 (had feelings for him for literally 10 years). Anyways, he dumped me even though I loved him more than anything and my feelings never wavered. I had a similar case a year after, fell in love and gotten dumped the same way. I was truly heartbroken. And today, I feel in love as well but...it's the case where you just love the wrong person in the wrong time as well. I fell in love with my male Therapist *sigh*. It's tough because you cannot shake it off and yet you don't want to. Luckily enough I tried to share it with him and although I didn't say it in these exact words (I love you/feel in love with you/have feelings for you) - Although it was so incredibly embarrassing, I think he got the gist of it and was extremely compassionate and gentle about it and said how common and that it happens to the best of us, in a relationship with a male Therapist/someone of the opposite sex. So yeah...

The deep and painful feelings I have towards the idea of Romantic Relationships today are - What's the point? Why bother? it seems like a carefree thing to say but it truly breaks my heart to feel this way. You have NO idea. I was ALWAYS the girl who fully believed in love, the happy fairy tale, the prince, the good guy who just loved you for who you are. EVEN after I got my heart broken, by said first and 2nd guy...I swear I didn't stop believing in Love in general, at the very least for everyone else.

But now? Something about it makes me recoil, the very thought of even laying down next to the "love of my life" makes me recoil. Hypothetically, I feel like even if that were to happen, I just feel like I'd laying down on my side, away from him, with my eyes open in the dark - feeling so incredibly alone in the entire universe and so incredibly depressed and sad. Like Love cannot even save me at this point. 

I keep thinking how we're all in this rat race to find love...have sex...be with someone...what have you. I now look at it from the side in almost disgust, disappointment and literally have a very deep existential crises about it ! Like seriously, what's the point of relationships? Apart from the Psychological aspect it serves (getting your emotional needs met ect), The Physical aspect of it - sex, children and child care...I feel like that's it and it just pains my heart to feel that way because I was always such  a spiritual person and have for YEARS believed in soul mates, soul ties, eternal love, souls ect...it all made so much sense to me and gave me such purpose in general because I thought it was so beautiful and literally felt that with the first man (even though we never met, please don't laugh). But today...even that has gone in my heart. 

And now? I just...cannot even imagine ever being in a relationship. It almost disgusts me and gives me this deep anxiety/dread. I have ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA why it's even so ! Because can you imagine how odd this is? I KNOW I'm not an asexual (actually a heterosexual Lady - have always been sexually attracted to men!) and I'm sure I'm not a aromantic cause I never felt that way and was shocked to even know of the term in general (not shaming, just saying). And, I know I have the capacity to fall in love cause look - it happened and is also "happening" now (even though my heart is of course broken because it's unrequited love and as everyone knows, that's hard enough). Especially since it's falling in love with an actual person, face to face, and NOT what I had so far (falling in love with people that terminate things before we even have the chance to actually meet in person). 

It's just that...dealing with MDD (Major Depression Disorder/Clinical Depression) is hard enough. It's hard enough that I'm stubborn and won't take any anti-depressants, it's hard enough dealing with suicidal thoughts that literally last for 3 weeks straight at time...this awful feeling at the pit of my stomach, feeling like "what's the point of relationships anyway" is like a huge blow to my heart because, what's left anyway? What do I have to look forward to, you know? I've isolated myself from my friends (lost interest in a social life, it doesn't give me pleasure anymore) and University life is tough enough and one can only stand so much of it without wanting to kill yourself *sigh*. So yeah...

I just want to stress that this isn't me saying "ew, man are dumb/disgusting" or me suggesting ANYTHING along those lines, even not from heartbreak. This isn't even me saying that Love doesn't exist, that it isn't beautiful and special and unique and divine (I see the authenticity of it in couples all the time). This is literally just a cry for help in dealing with my existential crises about the whole topic of Romantic Relationships in general. Something about it is just breaking me deep down in my soul as I keep having these "what's the point even" thoughts that arise, and feelings about relationships. 

The sad thing is, I realize these deep and painful feelings are starting to bleed into other area's about life...like the thought of children. I don't have any and have always thought I do want babies, I guess? but me not believing in relationships anymore and not seeing any point to them...well then there's no babies for me. I don't want to be a single Mother and have no interest using the sperm bank either. That has ALSO weighed on me because I have always wanted kids after marriage in general. Now? Something about even having kids makes me nauseous deep down in the pit of my stomach. I feel like I'd go into a break down or a panic attack or what have you. Crazy right? 

 

Thank you so much for reading everything - I would appreciate your thoughts ! 

I'm sorry this was so so so long but I couldn't hold it in any longer

Edited May 3, 2018 by Shir

[Nahm]

@Okaythen I can only imagine this sounds really crude, but start a journal in the journal section. If there’s something I can help with, ask a question outside of the journal. Human’s appreciate brevity. Forming what’s in your head into a 1 or 2 entente statement / question is a huge practice which will organize your thoughts and perspective, which is really the only challenge you actually have right now. 

❤️

[Nahm]

@Okaythen No need to remove it.

What’s the question?

[Nahm]

@Okaythen I’m gonna go meditate. Lol. ❤️

[Nahm]

Lol. My bad - Sorry about that and thanks for the grace about it. “Not from a dualistic point of view”....awesome.?❤️