Ultimate Breakup Guide : Why/when To Break Up And How To Raise To The Stars After !

[Lynnel]

I. Introduction

I have been trough many break ups, and I can say for sure that those are the most traumatizing and difficult experiences one has to go in the first world countries. As one of my friend's stated when I asked him for advice, he said : " You know you've been raised in a kinda spoiled environnement if heartbreak is your first issue".  I will clarify this later, meanwhile, by break up I mean : loosing someone you had a really strong romantic connection with.

(Friendships and other stuff do not count because they are not as intense and the hormonal system is less involved, anyway!)

So, first of, before going into the how to "heal" after a break up part, which assumes that you have broken up for whatever reason already, let's go into :

II. Why you should break up - How to know when you actually SHOULD break up for your own benefit.

1) You have thoughts about breaking up. Those do not appear randomly. It's normal to have some in a long term relationship but if 3 months in you are thinking about it, it's a good idea to dig deeper into it.

2) Your relationship is dysfonctionnal in any way : your partner poison drips you, you're not on the same page in terms of actualization, you feel like it's toxic, resentment has built up over the years, there is a clear lack of communication, the relationship doesn't fit your needs.

3) You live far away from each other. If you are leaving somewhere for more than 2 weeks and you are under 25, and the relationship isn't that serious and heavy, break up. You'll find someone else. There is NO POINT in torturing yourself for nothing, spending hours and hours for something that will not work out.

Long distance relationships have always been a huge mystery for me, because as I said once : You might as well be talking to a clever robot on skype and that would be exactly the same. You don't share real life experiences with the person. Hence, it's pointless. Anyway !

Here comes the tricky part, you don't wanna see this. You don't wanna realize your relationship is shitty and go trough a break up. Because :

" I have regular sex, it's comfortable, I'm used to it, yeah he/she is not the most perfect but I'm not gonna go trough the hustle of trying to find someone else, that's too much work, learning pick up or going out with my friends, getting my social skills in check, I'll just stay with him/her and live a comfortable life, etc"

Once you've been in a relationship for while, you're used to the comfort and you will sometimes will even agree to undergo abuse just to stay in omeostasis and in comfort, because you hate change. And only when you look back, you realize how toxic your past relationships were.

4) If overall the whole situation is messed up, someone cheated on someone else, etc, so on and so forth. I'm not gonna list this for ages, simply : be honest with yourself and don't try to hold on and stay comfortable.

III. How To break up and When to break up.

Once you made the decision, do not be soft. I repeat, this is extremely key : DO NOT BE SOFT.

See them only once, and talk about it. Exchange any belongings if needed, and give them a strict deadline to move out, but otherwise, CUT THEM FROM YOUR LIFE FOREVER. Until the end of times. If they go full drama on you and wanna fix stuff, and you feel like you can't handle it, simply RUN AWAY and never talk to them again. This may sound horrible, but once their ego is hurt, they are not on your side. When someone feels hurt, they will try to damage you as much as humanly possible so you stay and regret your decision. Do not get caught up in that toxic crap and RUN AWAY if needed. Cut all ties with the person, burn all the boats, explode all the bridges. Forever and as fast as you can. There is no coming back. Block them from anywhere, cut ties with any friends you have in common, blacklist their number and cut all contact forever.
There is nothing worst that spending months in pointless breaking up drama and when finally it's over you're even more destroyed and lack ressources to rebuild yourself.

Also, for common courtesy, please avoid breaking up during exams for college students, important project deadlines, at family events, birthdays, and stuff like that. Do not be soft, but also stay human and humble. This is most likely someone you loved and they deserve respect and being treated correctly no matter what.

IV. Healing after a break up.

First steps : learn to sing decently so you don't drive your flatmates mad and put this video on repeat :
 

As Teal Swan stated, singing helps the nerve which is linked to the heart part. You are gonna feel HORRIBLE PAIN for several days, sometimes even a week, near your heart/ heart shakra area. You need to survivre trough it.

The pain will be horrible, but avoid numbing it too much. No alcohol, no drugs. All you have to do now is not falling into a depressive state, don't become addicted, and simply cope with the pain as best as you can. I'd recommend even going to Church if it helps. Find anything non addictive that will boost your emotionnal state.

After a while, the physical pain will kinda dissapear, but the emotionnal pain will remain.
You are still gonna be feeling discomfort, but here are some videos that will help you :
 

So, to get past the reactive, coping stage, you have to :

1) Start believing you can overcome it. Hope and believe.  A lot. For this, know that you are not alone. And watch as MUCH break up videos as possible. Also realize, that only good things are gonna come out of this. And your next relationship is gonna be only better.

2) Get rid of the GHOST MEMORIES syndrome. This is by far the most annoying shit on earth. Your brain is gonna bombard you with memories. Oh hello there, remember that time when...Sometimes when you enter your own bathroom your brain is gonna be like : REMEMBER , SHE WAS THERE. Avoid places that remind you of your past partner.

3) Look up content on handling emotions and practice that a lot. I recommend Teal Swan, once more. When a memory comes up, get rid of the charged emotion that comes with it, and it shall make you free.

4) Get in touch with your inner problems. Work with :

- Your self-esteem
- Self- Love, which is extremely key because you will feel unloved at first.
- Self-worth
And whathever other stuff you find usefull. Self-actualize a lot.

5) Make changes in your life :
- Practice a sport
- Drink green tea

=> Get rid of the biological attachement to the other person, cleanse your body.

6) Do not immediatly start doing pick up and don't try to find someone else. You will only attract people that are in the same emotionnal state and that will result only in bad rebound relationships. Trying to cope with pain this way is extremely counter-productive and will only result in worsening your condition.
 

V. Raising to the stars.

Once the physical pain stops, will come a new stage. The stage where you will use the emotionnal leverage to get your shit together.

Here, we will go from being reactive, to being active and striving for a better life and a better future.

Here, to motivate you a bit :
 

And :
 

You will have insane amounts of leverage, so after a week or so :

You can start doing pick up (again :D) and having some casual sex.
Also pick up new good habits, start meditating, invest yourself in your work, do all the shit you've been trying to do but never dared to, expand your social circle, etc.
And of course, put in the work.
The pain is gonna burn trough the layers of your ego and you're gonna become more pure. Enjoy it.
And proactively seek out opportunies to do more self-actualization work

And in no time, you will be like :

 

VII Last Words.

If you're still unsure whether you should break up or not, ask yourself " If I were a knight, would I stay in the same village for the rest of my life, or Would I go on and explore what's arround, fight epic battles, and reach my potential ? "

I choose to do so. And It payed off. If you ever feel seriously desperate, remember Eckhart Tolle : This too shall pass.
I've broken up with my 1 year gf and immediatly try to geet with another girl who rejected me, and I was left with nothing.
I rebuild everything for scratch and it was the best year of my entire life.
I really hope it will work out for you and open up great opportunities.

Also, as my friend stated : Being in pain is a luxery. Some people don't have enough money to eat, and you're here bitching about heartbreak. Do not deny your pain and don't feel shame for it, but also put it in it's context. It feels like the end of the world, but it's not. You are simply...fragile. Read antifragile by Nessim Taleb to get more info on that topic.

This is kinda true. Remember to appreciate what you have in life and all the great opportunities. If you are still really young, such as below 25, do not worry much about break ups. In five years from now, hell, even 1 year from now It won't even matter anymore.

Best of luck and feel free to ask any questions !

 

[Guest]

You made a lot of effort here, I respect that. Great post, thank you for it. I'm sure a lot of people will get use out of it. 

[Diane]

I agree. An excellent job really, thank you @Lynnel for taking the time and energy to post it!

[Henri]

It was fun to read mate!

what about break-ups when your over 25?

[Lynnel]

@The Son Thank you ! I hope so, I was seeing so much break-up topics I thought I could help some of those folks.

@Diane  Prego

@Henri Thank you !

I stated the 25 year old thing because I tend to believe that before that age you are not gonna find any life partner thus making any break up totaly irrelevant in the long run.

But after 25 messing up a relationship with a potential life partner could be disastrous (Well, you're gonna have tremendous amounts of emotionnal leverage and change into a whole new person and have an even better relationship...so...actually not ). Simple put be more attentive when you settle, have enough experience, so that you don't spend years and years in a relationship that goes nowhere while you where looking for a life time partner. 

Either way, always remember that there is nothing the human spirit can not overcome

[nbolt]

I'm not sure this is good advice for everyone. Personally I'm still friends and have good relationships with many of my previous partners, I don't really see any need for "cutting them out of your life forever". If things aren't working out then they aren't working out. Just be honest and move on with your lives. No need for all this drama.

Edited March 13, 2016 by Neill Bolton

[Lynnel]

On 13/03/2016 at 1:18 AM, Neill Bolton said:

I'm not sure this is good advice for everyone. Personally I'm still friends and have good relationships with many of my previous partners, I don't really see any need for "cutting them out of your life forever". If things aren't working out then they aren't working out. Just be honest and move on with your lives. No need for all this drama.

I am really glad that's the case for you, and yes I believe this could be seen as a more "mature" way of doing things.

But :

Moving on is NOT easy, and taking 2-3 month of not moving on simply because you failed to get rid of the person in your life is not affordable. I am sick of watching all those drunk text memes and so on, it should never ever happen. Most people lack strong boundaries and staying friends with their previous partners will never be beneficial to them.

Of course any advice has to be taken with a pinch of salt

[nbolt]

51 minutes ago, Lynnel said:

Moving on is NOT easy, and taking 2-3 month of not moving on simply because you failed to get rid of the person in your life is not affordable. ... Most people lack strong boundaries and staying friends with their previous partners will never be beneficial to them.

Completely subjective. Whether "moving on" is easy or not is dependent upon the person, and whether you waste 2-3 months or.. whatever is again, completely up to the person. In my experience most people handle their boundaries fine and staying friends is usually beneficial unless you two got into some really huge personal fight and can't stand each other anymore- which does happen, I'm not friends with ALL my exes.

This sounds like a symptom of putting too much emotional investment into your relationship. It sounds like someone who isn't truly in love with their partner, but in love with being in a relationship, and when that relationship falls apart, your ego freaks out. Stop relying on other people for happiness. Live your own life, and if someone happens to come along with a similar mindset and you're able to live together with a sense of genuine congruency, all the better! But don't make it a requirement for stability in your life.

Edited March 17, 2016 by Neill Bolton

[Phocus]

@Lynnel Great work, this will undoubtedly be a very valuable resource for anyone in a dysfunctional relationship or dealing with heartbreak.

Obviously this material is very "pro-breakup" so, for the opposing side of things, how can one distinguish whether they are experiencing normal relationship growing pains that should be developed through vs. signs of dysfunction that signal you're not in the right relationship?

[Ayla]

I feel that breakups remind us energetically of the separation from Self and coming into duality. That's why they hurt so badly. "Turning in" is actually the only way to become whole again. There are very few people that really turn in. Most of the tools presented out there, are ways of distraction - including "classic" self-development work, work out, new diet, new whateva'. 

Once you've mastered the power to really feel the pain in your body and to let go of associating it with the ideas you have about what said pain tells you, you're fine. 

As a little joke, I think the best idea I came up with, for "correctly" dealing with a breakup, is to find someone to tie you to your bed and sit there with you for a week or so, give you paper tissues and water, and put a pillow on your face to cover your screams. Oops  

[smd]

Is this for women?  The statistics are that women do the dumping.  Guys never want to do that.

[Lynnel]

On 01/04/2016 at 2:43 AM, Phocus said:

@Lynnel how can one distinguish whether they are experiencing normal relationship growing pains that should be developed through vs. signs of dysfunction that signal you're not in the right relationship?

I can't really asnwer this question, because it depends heavily on each person subjective experience and perspective.

It would be stuff like not being able to manage emotions, holding back, resentment, and such that cannot be dealt with.

The biggest problem I see happening if you're with the right person is the pain body one, that's why anyone dating me is obliged to read eckhart tolle.

As for if the person is not right, well, once you feel yourself strongly attracted to someone else, to a point where a tension is created, it's usually a huge sign that your mind wants you OUT of that relationship.

You have to ask yourself and honestly seek to recieve the answer.

22 hours ago, smd said:

Is this for women?  The statistics are that women do the dumping.  Guys never want to do that.

For anyone. But it comes from a man's perspective so guys may found this read more...touching/relevant?

And I'd say women have it easier to some extent. Also I heavily doubt the veracity of those statistics.

[Lynnel]

On 01/04/2016 at 8:53 AM, Ayla said:

 That's why they hurt so badly. "Turning in" is actually the only way to become whole again. There are very few people that really turn in.

I've had glimpses of that, but, could you provide guidelines to exactly do it ?

I feel like my pain is not strong enough anymore to be able to do that @Ayla !

[Ayla]

@Lynnel Look for Noah Elkrief on YouTube.  

[smd]

On April 2, 2016 at 11:19 AM, Lynnel said:

I can't really asnwer this question, because it depends heavily on each person subjective experience and perspective.

It would be stuff like not being able to manage emotions, holding back, resentment, and such that cannot be dealt with.

The biggest problem I see happening if you're with the right person is the pain body one, that's why anyone dating me is obliged to read eckhart tolle.

As for if the person is not right, well, once you feel yourself strongly attracted to someone else, to a point where a tension is created, it's usually a huge sign that your mind wants you OUT of that relationship.

You have to ask yourself and honestly seek to recieve the answer.

For anyone. But it comes from a man's perspective so guys may found this read more...touching/relevant?

And I'd say women have it easier to some extent. Also I heavily doubt the veracity of those statistics.

Well I listen to a lot of dating coaches & they all say it.  I've also heard it from a few people who complain about Single Moms and how much welfare money they take up for instance...I've also watched all my guy friends get dumped.  For my one gf, I appear to be undumpable.   No matter what I do, she never wants to leave.

[StarGazor]

I have just been asked to leave the house after an argument with my wife. We were together for 3 years and married for only 4 months. I am reading this from my hotel room and it was encouraging. The argument was so silly, I didn't answer my phone while at work. In one of her messages, she says "wtf". That got me angry and I swore back in an sms. Since she pays the rent, she has asked me to leave. We have immigrated to another country, my VISA is dependant on her and it expires in 2 months. Without her sponsorship, I will have to return home to my country. I am dependant on her so that I can continue to work here. Do I walk away - this will take me many steps backward. All the help would be appreciated.

[Veggies]

Awesome tips @Lynnel! 

• What is your worst breakup?
• Where is this topic featured?

[nbolt]

On 4/10/2016 at 9:05 AM, StarGazor said:

I have just been asked to leave the house after an argument with my wife. We were together for 3 years and married for only 4 months. I am reading this from my hotel room and it was encouraging. The argument was so silly, I didn't answer my phone while at work. In one of her messages, she says "wtf". That got me angry and I swore back in an sms. Since she pays the rent, she has asked me to leave. We have immigrated to another country, my VISA is dependant on her and it expires in 2 months. Without her sponsorship, I will have to return home to my country. I am dependant on her so that I can continue to work here. Do I walk away - this will take me many steps backward. All the help would be appreciated.

You just have to honestly answer the question whether being in a relationship you don't want to be in is worth the visa or not, and make plans from there.

[Lynnel]

On 12/04/2016 at 3:21 PM, Veggies make me FART said:

Awesome tips @Lynnel! 

• What is your worst breakup?

Thank you

It was last summer, I met a really awesome girl. The best chemistry I ever had at that point. 36 hours of hot sex when we met, then one month of romantic chatter in like 15k messages. Then after another month it all went down the drain for reasons ( Could write and entire essay about it) and it felt really horrible. I spent a whole week listening to taylor swift unable to do anything else than experiencing the pain. The memory of the pain almost puts me in pain. Hilarious. Either way that was a really beneficial experience and I've matured a lot since !

On 12/04/2016 at 3:21 PM, Veggies make me FART said:

• Where is this topic featured?

In the dating/relationship forum.

Edited May 2, 2016 by Lynnel

[Dodo]

On 07/03/2016 at 6:00 PM, Lynnel said:

I. Introduction

I have been trough many break ups, and I can say for sure that those are the most traumatizing and difficult experiences one has to go in the first world countries. As one of my friend's stated when I asked him for advice, he said : " You know you've been raised in a kinda spoiled environnement if heartbreak is your first issue".  I will clarify this later, meanwhile, by break up I mean : loosing someone you had a really strong romantic connection with.

(Friendships and other stuff do not count because they are not as intense and the hormonal system is less involved, anyway!)

So, first of, before going into the how to "heal" after a break up part, which assumes that you have broken up for whatever reason already, let's go into :

II. Why you should break up - How to know when you actually SHOULD break up for your own benefit.

1) You have thoughts about breaking up. Those do not appear randomly. It's normal to have some in a long term relationship but if 3 months in you are thinking about it, it's a good idea to dig deeper into it.

2) Your relationship is dysfonctionnal in any way : your partner poison drips you, you're not on the same page in terms of actualization, you feel like it's toxic, resentment has built up over the years, there is a clear lack of communication, the relationship doesn't fit your needs.

3) You live far away from each other. If you are leaving somewhere for more than 2 weeks and you are under 25, and the relationship isn't that serious and heavy, break up. You'll find someone else. There is NO POINT in torturing yourself for nothing, spending hours and hours for something that will not work out.

Long distance relationships have always been a huge mystery for me, because as I said once : You might as well be talking to a clever robot on skype and that would be exactly the same. You don't share real life experiences with the person. Hence, it's pointless. Anyway !

Here comes the tricky part, you don't wanna see this. You don't wanna realize your relationship is shitty and go trough a break up. Because :

" I have regular sex, it's comfortable, I'm used to it, yeah he/she is not the most perfect but I'm not gonna go trough the hustle of trying to find someone else, that's too much work, learning pick up or going out with my friends, getting my social skills in check, I'll just stay with him/her and live a comfortable life, etc"

Once you've been in a relationship for while, you're used to the comfort and you will sometimes will even agree to undergo abuse just to stay in omeostasis and in comfort, because you hate change. And only when you look back, you realize how toxic your past relationships were.

4) If overall the whole situation is messed up, someone cheated on someone else, etc, so on and so forth. I'm not gonna list this for ages, simply : be honest with yourself and don't try to hold on and stay comfortable.

III. How To break up and When to break up.

Once you made the decision, do not be soft. I repeat, this is extremely key : DO NOT BE SOFT.

See them only once, and talk about it. Exchange any belongings if needed, and give them a strict deadline to move out, but otherwise, CUT THEM FROM YOUR LIFE FOREVER. Until the end of times. If they go full drama on you and wanna fix stuff, and you feel like you can't handle it, simply RUN AWAY and never talk to them again. This may sound horrible, but once their ego is hurt, they are not on your side. When someone feels hurt, they will try to damage you as much as humanly possible so you stay and regret your decision. Do not get caught up in that toxic crap and RUN AWAY if needed. Cut all ties with the person, burn all the boats, explode all the bridges. Forever and as fast as you can. There is no coming back. Block them from anywhere, cut ties with any friends you have in common, blacklist their number and cut all contact forever.
There is nothing worst that spending months in pointless breaking up drama and when finally it's over you're even more destroyed and lack ressources to rebuild yourself.

Also, for common courtesy, please avoid breaking up during exams for college students, important project deadlines, at family events, birthdays, and stuff like that. Do not be soft, but also stay human and humble. This is most likely someone you loved and they deserve respect and being treated correctly no matter what.

IV. Healing after a break up.

First steps : learn to sing decently so you don't drive your flatmates mad and put this video on repeat :
 

As Teal Swan stated, singing helps the nerve which is linked to the heart part. You are gonna feel HORRIBLE PAIN for several days, sometimes even a week, near your heart/ heart shakra area. You need to survivre trough it.

The pain will be horrible, but avoid numbing it too much. No alcohol, no drugs. All you have to do now is not falling into a depressive state, don't become addicted, and simply cope with the pain as best as you can. I'd recommend even going to Church if it helps. Find anything non addictive that will boost your emotionnal state.

After a while, the physical pain will kinda dissapear, but the emotionnal pain will remain.
You are still gonna be feeling discomfort, but here are some videos that will help you :
 

So, to get past the reactive, coping stage, you have to :

1) Start believing you can overcome it. Hope and believe.  A lot. For this, know that you are not alone. And watch as MUCH break up videos as possible. Also realize, that only good things are gonna come out of this. And your next relationship is gonna be only better.

2) Get rid of the GHOST MEMORIES syndrome. This is by far the most annoying shit on earth. Your brain is gonna bombard you with memories. Oh hello there, remember that time when...Sometimes when you enter your own bathroom your brain is gonna be like : REMEMBER , SHE WAS THERE. Avoid places that remind you of your past partner.

3) Look up content on handling emotions and practice that a lot. I recommend Teal Swan, once more. When a memory comes up, get rid of the charged emotion that comes with it, and it shall make you free.

4) Get in touch with your inner problems. Work with :

- Your self-esteem
- Self- Love, which is extremely key because you will feel unloved at first.
- Self-worth
And whathever other stuff you find usefull. Self-actualize a lot.

5) Make changes in your life :
- Practice a sport
- Drink green tea

=> Get rid of the biological attachement to the other person, cleanse your body.

6) Do not immediatly start doing pick up and don't try to find someone else. You will only attract people that are in the same emotionnal state and that will result only in bad rebound relationships. Trying to cope with pain this way is extremely counter-productive and will only result in worsening your condition.
 

V. Raising to the stars.

Once the physical pain stops, will come a new stage. The stage where you will use the emotionnal leverage to get your shit together.

Here, we will go from being reactive, to being active and striving for a better life and a better future.

Here, to motivate you a bit :
 

And :
 

You will have insane amounts of leverage, so after a week or so :

You can start doing pick up (again :D) and having some casual sex.
Also pick up new good habits, start meditating, invest yourself in your work, do all the shit you've been trying to do but never dared to, expand your social circle, etc.
And of course, put in the work.
The pain is gonna burn trough the layers of your ego and you're gonna become more pure. Enjoy it.
And proactively seek out opportunies to do more self-actualization work

And in no time, you will be like :

 

VII Last Words.

If you're still unsure whether you should break up or not, ask yourself " If I were a knight, would I stay in the same village for the rest of my life, or Would I go on and explore what's arround, fight epic battles, and reach my potential ? "

I choose to do so. And It payed off. If you ever feel seriously desperate, remember Eckhart Tolle : This too shall pass.
I've broken up with my 1 year gf and immediatly try to geet with another girl who rejected me, and I was left with nothing.
I rebuild everything for scratch and it was the best year of my entire life.
I really hope it will work out for you and open up great opportunities.

Also, as my friend stated : Being in pain is a luxery. Some people don't have enough money to eat, and you're here bitching about heartbreak. Do not deny your pain and don't feel shame for it, but also put it in it's context. It feels like the end of the world, but it's not. You are simply...fragile. Read antifragile by Nessim Taleb to get more info on that topic.

This is kinda true. Remember to appreciate what you have in life and all the great opportunities. If you are still really young, such as below 25, do not worry much about break ups. In five years from now, hell, even 1 year from now It won't even matter anymore.

Best of luck and feel free to ask any questions !

 

Well, i guess its time for me to get on that path too. Will come back to this post later for sure, to remind myself of the gold that is written.