By Lynnel
in Dating, Sexuality, Relationships, Family,
I. Introduction
I have been trough many break ups, and I can say for sure that those are the most traumatizing and difficult experiences one has to go in the first world countries. As one of my friend's stated when I asked him for advice, he said : " You know you've been raised in a kinda spoiled environnement if heartbreak is your first issue". I will clarify this later, meanwhile, by break up I mean : loosing someone you had a really strong romantic connection with.
(Friendships and other stuff do not count because they are not as intense and the hormonal system is less involved, anyway!)
So, first of, before going into the how to "heal" after a break up part, which assumes that you have broken up for whatever reason already, let's go into :
II. Why you should break up - How to know when you actually SHOULD break up for your own benefit. 1) You have thoughts about breaking up. Those do not appear randomly. It's normal to have some in a long term relationship but if 3 months in you are thinking about it, it's a good idea to dig deeper into it.
2) Your relationship is dysfonctionnal in any way : your partner poison drips you, you're not on the same page in terms of actualization, you feel like it's toxic, resentment has built up over the years, there is a clear lack of communication, the relationship doesn't fit your needs.
3) You live far away from each other. If you are leaving somewhere for more than 2 weeks and you are under 25, and the relationship isn't that serious and heavy, break up. You'll find someone else. There is NO POINT in torturing yourself for nothing, spending hours and hours for something that will not work out. Long distance relationships have always been a huge mystery for me, because as I said once : You might as well be talking to a clever robot on skype and that would be exactly the same. You don't share real life experiences with the person. Hence, it's pointless. Anyway ! Here comes the tricky part, you don't wanna see this. You don't wanna realize your relationship is shitty and go trough a break up. Because :
" I have regular sex, it's comfortable, I'm used to it, yeah he/she is not the most perfect but I'm not gonna go trough the hustle of trying to find someone else, that's too much work, learning pick up or going out with my friends, getting my social skills in check, I'll just stay with him/her and live a comfortable life, etc"
Once you've been in a relationship for while, you're used to the comfort and you will sometimes will even agree to undergo abuse just to stay in omeostasis and in comfort, because you hate change. And only when you look back, you realize how toxic your past relationships were.
4) If overall the whole situation is messed up, someone cheated on someone else, etc, so on and so forth. I'm not gonna list this for ages, simply : be honest with yourself and don't try to hold on and stay comfortable.
III. How To break up and When to break up.
Once you made the decision, do not be soft. I repeat, this is extremely key : DO NOT BE SOFT. See them only once, and talk about it. Exchange any belongings if needed, and give them a strict deadline to move out, but otherwise, CUT THEM FROM YOUR LIFE FOREVER. Until the end of times. If they go full drama on you and wanna fix stuff, and you feel like you can't handle it, simply RUN AWAY and never talk to them again. This may sound horrible, but once their ego is hurt, they are not on your side. When someone feels hurt, they will try to damage you as much as humanly possible so you stay and regret your decision. Do not get caught up in that toxic crap and RUN AWAY if needed. Cut all ties with the person, burn all the boats, explode all the bridges. Forever and as fast as you can. There is no coming back. Block them from anywhere, cut ties with any friends you have in common, blacklist their number and cut all contact forever.
There is nothing worst that spending months in pointless breaking up drama and when finally it's over you're even more destroyed and lack ressources to rebuild yourself. Also, for common courtesy, please avoid breaking up during exams for college students, important project deadlines, at family events, birthdays, and stuff like that. Do not be soft, but also stay human and humble. This is most likely someone you loved and they deserve respect and being treated correctly no matter what.
IV. Healing after a break up.
First steps : learn to sing decently so you don't drive your flatmates mad and put this video on repeat :
As Teal Swan stated, singing helps the nerve which is linked to the heart part. You are gonna feel HORRIBLE PAIN for several days, sometimes even a week, near your heart/ heart shakra area. You need to survivre trough it.
The pain will be horrible, but avoid numbing it too much. No alcohol, no drugs. All you have to do now is not falling into a depressive state, don't become addicted, and simply cope with the pain as best as you can. I'd recommend even going to Church if it helps. Find anything non addictive that will boost your emotionnal state. After a while, the physical pain will kinda dissapear, but the emotionnal pain will remain.
You are still gonna be feeling discomfort, but here are some videos that will help you :
So, to get past the reactive, coping stage, you have to : 1) Start believing you can overcome it. Hope and believe. A lot. For this, know that you are not alone. And watch as MUCH break up videos as possible. Also realize, that only good things are gonna come out of this. And your next relationship is gonna be only better.
2) Get rid of the GHOST MEMORIES syndrome. This is by far the most annoying shit on earth. Your brain is gonna bombard you with memories. Oh hello there, remember that time when...Sometimes when you enter your own bathroom your brain is gonna be like : REMEMBER , SHE WAS THERE. Avoid places that remind you of your past partner.
3) Look up content on handling emotions and practice that a lot. I recommend Teal Swan, once more. When a memory comes up, get rid of the charged emotion that comes with it, and it shall make you free.
4) Get in touch with your inner problems. Work with : - Your self-esteem
- Self- Love, which is extremely key because you will feel unloved at first.
- Self-worth
And whathever other stuff you find usefull. Self-actualize a lot.
5) Make changes in your life :
- Practice a sport
- Drink green tea => Get rid of the biological attachement to the other person, cleanse your body.
6) Do not immediatly start doing pick up and don't try to find someone else. You will only attract people that are in the same emotionnal state and that will result only in bad rebound relationships. Trying to cope with pain this way is extremely counter-productive and will only result in worsening your condition.
V. Raising to the stars.
Once the physical pain stops, will come a new stage. The stage where you will use the emotionnal leverage to get your shit together.
Here, we will go from being reactive, to being active and striving for a better life and a better future.
Here, to motivate you a bit :
And :
You will have insane amounts of leverage, so after a week or so :
You can start doing pick up (again :D) and having some casual sex.
Also pick up new good habits, start meditating, invest yourself in your work, do all the shit you've been trying to do but never dared to, expand your social circle, etc.
And of course, put in the work.
The pain is gonna burn trough the layers of your ego and you're gonna become more pure. Enjoy it.
And proactively seek out opportunies to do more self-actualization work
And in no time, you will be like :
VII Last Words.
If you're still unsure whether you should break up or not, ask yourself " If I were a knight, would I stay in the same village for the rest of my life, or Would I go on and explore what's arround, fight epic battles, and reach my potential ? "
I choose to do so. And It payed off. If you ever feel seriously desperate, remember Eckhart Tolle : This too shall pass.
I've broken up with my 1 year gf and immediatly try to geet with another girl who rejected me, and I was left with nothing.
I rebuild everything for scratch and it was the best year of my entire life.
I really hope it will work out for you and open up great opportunities.
Also, as my friend stated : Being in pain is a luxery. Some people don't have enough money to eat, and you're here bitching about heartbreak. Do not deny your pain and don't feel shame for it, but also put it in it's context. It feels like the end of the world, but it's not. You are simply...fragile. Read antifragile by Nessim Taleb to get more info on that topic.
This is kinda true. Remember to appreciate what you have in life and all the great opportunities. If you are still really young, such as below 25, do not worry much about break ups. In five years from now, hell, even 1 year from now It won't even matter anymore.
Best of luck and feel free to ask any questions !
II. Why you should break up - How to know when you actually SHOULD break up for your own benefit. 1) You have thoughts about breaking up. Those do not appear randomly. It's normal to have some in a long term relationship but if 3 months in you are thinking about it, it's a good idea to dig deeper into it.
2) Your relationship is dysfonctionnal in any way : your partner poison drips you, you're not on the same page in terms of actualization, you feel like it's toxic, resentment has built up over the years, there is a clear lack of communication, the relationship doesn't fit your needs.
3) You live far away from each other. If you are leaving somewhere for more than 2 weeks and you are under 25, and the relationship isn't that serious and heavy, break up. You'll find someone else. There is NO POINT in torturing yourself for nothing, spending hours and hours for something that will not work out. Long distance relationships have always been a huge mystery for me, because as I said once : You might as well be talking to a clever robot on skype and that would be exactly the same. You don't share real life experiences with the person. Hence, it's pointless. Anyway ! Here comes the tricky part, you don't wanna see this. You don't wanna realize your relationship is shitty and go trough a break up. Because :
" I have regular sex, it's comfortable, I'm used to it, yeah he/she is not the most perfect but I'm not gonna go trough the hustle of trying to find someone else, that's too much work, learning pick up or going out with my friends, getting my social skills in check, I'll just stay with him/her and live a comfortable life, etc"
Once you've been in a relationship for while, you're used to the comfort and you will sometimes will even agree to undergo abuse just to stay in omeostasis and in comfort, because you hate change. And only when you look back, you realize how toxic your past relationships were.
4) If overall the whole situation is messed up, someone cheated on someone else, etc, so on and so forth. I'm not gonna list this for ages, simply : be honest with yourself and don't try to hold on and stay comfortable.
III. How To break up and When to break up.
Once you made the decision, do not be soft. I repeat, this is extremely key : DO NOT BE SOFT. See them only once, and talk about it. Exchange any belongings if needed, and give them a strict deadline to move out, but otherwise, CUT THEM FROM YOUR LIFE FOREVER. Until the end of times. If they go full drama on you and wanna fix stuff, and you feel like you can't handle it, simply RUN AWAY and never talk to them again. This may sound horrible, but once their ego is hurt, they are not on your side. When someone feels hurt, they will try to damage you as much as humanly possible so you stay and regret your decision. Do not get caught up in that toxic crap and RUN AWAY if needed. Cut all ties with the person, burn all the boats, explode all the bridges. Forever and as fast as you can. There is no coming back. Block them from anywhere, cut ties with any friends you have in common, blacklist their number and cut all contact forever.
There is nothing worst that spending months in pointless breaking up drama and when finally it's over you're even more destroyed and lack ressources to rebuild yourself. Also, for common courtesy, please avoid breaking up during exams for college students, important project deadlines, at family events, birthdays, and stuff like that. Do not be soft, but also stay human and humble. This is most likely someone you loved and they deserve respect and being treated correctly no matter what.
IV. Healing after a break up.
First steps : learn to sing decently so you don't drive your flatmates mad and put this video on repeat :
As Teal Swan stated, singing helps the nerve which is linked to the heart part. You are gonna feel HORRIBLE PAIN for several days, sometimes even a week, near your heart/ heart shakra area. You need to survivre trough it.
The pain will be horrible, but avoid numbing it too much. No alcohol, no drugs. All you have to do now is not falling into a depressive state, don't become addicted, and simply cope with the pain as best as you can. I'd recommend even going to Church if it helps. Find anything non addictive that will boost your emotionnal state. After a while, the physical pain will kinda dissapear, but the emotionnal pain will remain.
You are still gonna be feeling discomfort, but here are some videos that will help you :
So, to get past the reactive, coping stage, you have to : 1) Start believing you can overcome it. Hope and believe. A lot. For this, know that you are not alone. And watch as MUCH break up videos as possible. Also realize, that only good things are gonna come out of this. And your next relationship is gonna be only better.
2) Get rid of the GHOST MEMORIES syndrome. This is by far the most annoying shit on earth. Your brain is gonna bombard you with memories. Oh hello there, remember that time when...Sometimes when you enter your own bathroom your brain is gonna be like : REMEMBER , SHE WAS THERE. Avoid places that remind you of your past partner.
3) Look up content on handling emotions and practice that a lot. I recommend Teal Swan, once more. When a memory comes up, get rid of the charged emotion that comes with it, and it shall make you free.
4) Get in touch with your inner problems. Work with : - Your self-esteem
- Self- Love, which is extremely key because you will feel unloved at first.
- Self-worth
And whathever other stuff you find usefull. Self-actualize a lot.
5) Make changes in your life :
- Practice a sport
- Drink green tea => Get rid of the biological attachement to the other person, cleanse your body.
6) Do not immediatly start doing pick up and don't try to find someone else. You will only attract people that are in the same emotionnal state and that will result only in bad rebound relationships. Trying to cope with pain this way is extremely counter-productive and will only result in worsening your condition.
V. Raising to the stars.
Once the physical pain stops, will come a new stage. The stage where you will use the emotionnal leverage to get your shit together.
Here, we will go from being reactive, to being active and striving for a better life and a better future.
Here, to motivate you a bit :
And :
You will have insane amounts of leverage, so after a week or so :
You can start doing pick up (again :D) and having some casual sex.
Also pick up new good habits, start meditating, invest yourself in your work, do all the shit you've been trying to do but never dared to, expand your social circle, etc.
And of course, put in the work.
The pain is gonna burn trough the layers of your ego and you're gonna become more pure. Enjoy it.
And proactively seek out opportunies to do more self-actualization work
And in no time, you will be like :
VII Last Words.
If you're still unsure whether you should break up or not, ask yourself " If I were a knight, would I stay in the same village for the rest of my life, or Would I go on and explore what's arround, fight epic battles, and reach my potential ? "
I choose to do so. And It payed off. If you ever feel seriously desperate, remember Eckhart Tolle : This too shall pass.
I've broken up with my 1 year gf and immediatly try to geet with another girl who rejected me, and I was left with nothing.
I rebuild everything for scratch and it was the best year of my entire life.
I really hope it will work out for you and open up great opportunities.
Also, as my friend stated : Being in pain is a luxery. Some people don't have enough money to eat, and you're here bitching about heartbreak. Do not deny your pain and don't feel shame for it, but also put it in it's context. It feels like the end of the world, but it's not. You are simply...fragile. Read antifragile by Nessim Taleb to get more info on that topic.
This is kinda true. Remember to appreciate what you have in life and all the great opportunities. If you are still really young, such as below 25, do not worry much about break ups. In five years from now, hell, even 1 year from now It won't even matter anymore.
Best of luck and feel free to ask any questions !
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