Open Relationship Problems (Help?)

[SelfHelpGuy]

I've recently started my first open-relationship.

Although I've been doing personal development for many years 'Jealously' is still a bit of an issue. 

I know all the logic about how someone 'shouldn't fulfill you' and I'm gradually embodying it.

 - I do get uncomfortable knowing she's talking to other guys

- I do get uncomfortable thinking she could be fucking another guy

- When we talk about it I do feel that Jealousy

I'm aware that it's because I feel inadequate, less than, left out, at risk of her finding someone better etc etc and I'm working through these limiting beliefs. 

But it begs the question, how does a 'Self-Actualized' relationship look like?

Is it a Monogamous or an Open Relationship? - I like the idea of the open relationship but I don't really see it talked about much in the self-help community. I do wonder what Leo would say and how he goes about his relationship.

Is it down to the person? Or do people just has Monogamous relationship because they fear jealousy? 

Stuck on this one, appreciate your perspectives in the comments. 

Edited May 2, 2018 by SelfHelpGuy

[Paulus Amadeus]

I'm in an open relationship too. Works really well for me. 

I think these are kind of the things that need to be in place for an open relationship to work. 

1. The man in the relationship, on avarage, has more sexual partners than the woman in the relationship. 

2. Both of you love eachother whether or not this relationship continues or not.

3. There should be loads of honest communication about deisres, insecurity etc. 

4. You both have a lot more than the relationship going on in your life

5. You both are largely non-needy, non-jealous, non-insecure.

 

If this stuff is all in place and you have found a compatible partner this stuff can be awesome. Otherwise it will be quiet hard. Still, even if you fuck it up I still think an open relationship has huge potential for growth. 

Who's idea was this open relationship btw?

[SelfHelpGuy]

Well yeah, I do have more on average.

She said that she isn't too interested in doing it with other guys but she'll just talk and text other guys. 

The love thing is still evolving because we've known each other for 1 month. 

I do honestly tell her about my insecurity and she respects and understands it. 

Yeah we are both really busy so we talk about once a week and we really aren't needy at all tbh.

I do just feel that resistance when thinking about her flirting/fucking other guys but I also feel like this is a great way for me to face my demons head on and feel the burn as it were! 

Well she was in one previously and kinda brought it up and I was over the moon because it's something I've always wanted to try! 

Thanks for your input btw. 

 

Edited May 2, 2018 by SelfHelpGuy

[Paulus Amadeus]

ah sounds like you are doing very well. Just be mindfull of your jealousy etc. This is the part where you are growing! Now you can really see what your attachment is and what your genuine caring for this girl is. Sounds like it is going just fine.

[SelfHelpGuy]

Awesome, thanks for you help Paulus.  

[Elisabeth]

On 5/2/2018 at 11:56 AM, SelfHelpGuy said:

But it begs the question, how does a 'Self-Actualized' relationship look like?

Is it a Monogamous or an Open Relationship? - I like the idea of the open relationship but I don't really see it talked about much in the self-help community. I do wonder what Leo would say and how he goes about his relationship.

IMHO an actualized relationship is a relationship involving honest, authentic, intimate, loving people. The relationship form isn't deciding. People's authentic preferences are very different when it comes to relationships.

Teal Swan has an episode on polyamory. Try watching that. She sais it's the future but people today, including some real masters, are nowhere near it.

Leo commented somewhere that polyamory is probably not the way for most people.

I don't know their take on general nonmonogamy/ sexually open.

Fealing jealousy is normal, even for people experienced in open relationships. You deal with it in a similar way to other unpleasant feelings. You let yourself feel it, and you investigate if there's an important message that this feeling is bringing you.

If I was to guess (and this is really no more than that), right now for you, it's about trust (self-trust, and other-trust, they are connected) and stability.

You've only known her for one month. Are you really in a relationship, or are you just dating around and playing the field? You have no foundation together. And, if I read correctly, you've already had a number of others ("on average" more then her) - that's a lot of adventure in a  short time. On top you don't know how you'll react when she has a partner, and how well your needs will be met in this particular relationship and in this relationship arrangement. That's a lot of reasons to be a little insecure.

On 5/2/2018 at 0:17 PM, Paulus Amadeus said:

1. The man in the relationship, on avarage, has more sexual partners than the woman in the relationship.

I call bullshit on that. There's plenty of non-monogamous relationships (I know them online and irl) where the woman is leading the show. It's a generalization that suits your particular wants. It's ok to want it for yourself, but as a statement, drop it.

[MsNobody]

@SelfHelpGuy I think the idea behind an open relationship is give the other person unconditional love, that's where you know if you really love her/him, cause if someone else makes her/him happy, in your case, another guys, who are you to tell her that that happiness is not allowed? Also to get rid of the attachment thing, an open relationship is based on love, while most of the "closed" relationships is based on fear, fear of losing, so yes an open relationship is a good exercise for the ego, for practicing dettachment, also I've realized in the relationship I self fed myself, I needed to give myself love (what makes total sense) I was not depending on someone to give it to me, and this made me grow a lot!

ike Elisabeth said I think its a pretty new relationship, and I agree on the sexual partner thing, Im the woman and my partner seems to be less interested in the sex part, more interested in the connection with others etc, while me I think I'm interested in both, I've been in an open relationship for a while, the last 5 months we tried to close the relationship and we ended up breaking up, very interesting how this thing work, after you experience it, its hard to go back to the old mind of closed relationships, I thought the most challenge part would be thinking about him fucking others but deep inside my biggest fear is that he connects with someone else in a soul level, or he finds a girl that makes him laugh etc.. very silly.

I actually commented on the post to listen to what you guys have to say about open relationships, how the experience had helped you guys in your journey? What are the pros and cons? Or just your opinion in general about the subject 

@Elisabeth @Paulus Amadeus

Thanks!! 

[Paulus Amadeus]

18 hours ago, Elisabeth said:

 

I call bullshit on that. There's plenty of non-monogamous relationships (I know them online and irl) where the woman is leading the show. It's a generalization that suits your particular wants. It's ok to want it for yourself, but as a statement, drop it.

Yeah but if the woman is leading the show than most likely the relationship is pretty unfulfilling for both. If the woman is feminine en the man is masculine that is. But sure, I don't know everything, maybe it's bullshit.

[Elisabeth]

14 hours ago, MsNobody said:

@ElisabethI thought the most challenge part would be thinking about him fucking others but deep inside my biggest fear is that he connects with someone else in a soul level, or he finds a girl that makes him laugh etc.. very silly.

 

It's ok I think that's quite typical (?especially for women? with a lot of questionmarks around the generalization). It's just a pointer towards what you seek most in the relationship, and most fear losing. It sais that for you, connection is scarce, and that you believe that his connection to others will diminish the one with you. (I'm not saying that can't happen.)

I've been reading around on the polyamory.com for a few years now (and I recommend that forum), that's why I can comment confidently. I only have personal experience with a FMF V-type relationship, going on for a few years now, not really sexually open. It's a rather rocky journey, I only recommend it if you're REALLY CLEAR on your resons to do it. I gave a few details in some other thread on open relationships, do a search.

2 hours ago, Paulus Amadeus said:

Yeah but if the woman is leading the show than most likely the relationship is pretty unfulfilling for both. If the woman is feminine en the man is masculine that is. But sure, I don't know everything, maybe it's bullshit.

There a lots of kinds of nonmonogamy, and loads of different personality traits which leads a person to choose them. Not all feminine is submissive, and not all masculine is outgoing. The woman's desire could be wild and unpredictable. She could have a great capacity to form bonds really quickly. The man could be introverted and stable, or focused on his purpose, without that much desire for sex advantures or more than one relationship.

And that's just one modality out of many.

[Paulus Amadeus]

10 hours ago, Elisabeth said:

 

There a lots of kinds of nonmonogamy, and loads of different personality traits which leads a person to choose them. Not all feminine is submissive, and not all masculine is outgoing. The woman's desire could be wild and unpredictable. She could have a great capacity to form bonds really quickly. The man could be introverted and stable, or focused on his purpose, without that much desire for sex advantures or more than one relationship.

And that's just one modality out of many.

I definitely see your point. But I think the man you are describing now would not be a very good fit with that women in the long run. Evolutionary speaking for a woman the threath of non-monogamy is loosing her man. So if she is really sure that her man loves her and wants her etc she can be fine with him sleeping with other people quiet easily. For the man however the threat is 'raising someone elses babies'. So if his girl is sleeping around a lot, the only way his genes would still feel happy is if he is doing the same.

 

I realise that you can't explain everything by evolution but I still think this is accurate for almost all the cases. I think it is definitely possible to overcome your evolutionary drives but it makes everything much much harder. That's why I think the man should have more sexual partners than the woman. Or at the very least not be in the sitaution where the woman is sleeping around and he isn't. That will be really hard to bear. 

[Elisabeth]

@Paulus Amadeus  I do not (quite) have a sample of people focused on 'sleeping around' (I do know women who like sex a lot, but the people I draw into my life generally tend to put connection before sex). What I do know is that, if the intention is a long term relationship, M-F-M shaped relationships tend to be as stable as F-M-F if not more.

The focus on biology .. I also see your point, but I never quite bought into these theories. I know that there are books like "sex at dawn" which claim to have figured it out and probably have a reasonable amount of expertise behind them. They still always seemed to me like justifications of the (rather unsatisfactory) state where male straying and playing the field is more easily apologized ... (although, by the sheer math of two people having sex, is somehow has to be 50-50). IMHO culture is much more important... yes a woman who's unfaithful risks losing here guy more than the other way round, but how much of that is really biology.

I guess trusting these stories or not depends on ones personal agenda

Yet what I do perceive in myself is a real strong pull towards nuclear family. It's not the case for everyone, but often, yeah: Nonmonogamy is relatively easy if no children are in question (or, if the children get older) - but when contemplating family I do get insecure, competitive etc. I don't know if it's my age and biology ;), wanting to have the man as a secure provider (yuck), or if it's the social structure I've absorbed from all around me (expecting children, relationship escalator, nuclear family... ). But it's a strong pull.

[Elisabeth]

Btw., @SelfHelpGuy , see if any of this is useful for understanding jealousy

More than two

Some more links

 

[SelfHelpGuy]

WOAH, loads of replies.

Thanks, guys. 

I'll check out those links. 

I guess we are still just seeing each other but we have already established if anything becomes a relationship it would be open.

She even said she isn't even that interested in fucking other guys but she said she just likes talking to them.

She asked if I'd like to know who she would fuck if she were too. I said yes so I could see how I felt and of course, lots of resistance came up. 

I am improving my mindfulness on jealousy and noticing and watching it but I guess, to be honest, it's that same fear if she finds and starts talking to someone who's 'better' or she is more attracted to. - Even if she didn't I know this wouldn't truly fulfil me and that helps a little but I'm still a little stuck an insecure at times. 

 

 

[franktrading]

 

if you have a partner, you should have confidence in the feeling they have because otherwise you will not have peace