Can i save my life?

[Sirius]

I cannot go on detail of how my inner world is like, pretty much for my whole life but it has become a very bad place to live in.

I used to meditate, i did alot of work on myself but there was a point that i realized that my egiostic mind has gone so far for so many years that there is no return for me.Since then, i fell into very deep depression.I havent slept for months.It's a miracle that my body is still standing.

My focus was always almost zero, because I'm always distracted by my compulsions and whatever else.I live in fear every single second of my life.I used to cope with it but i cant do this anymore.My mechanical nature is so strong that whatever i do the ego takes over.

I have become suicidal lately, because no matter how much i put the work of meditation my ego still takes over.

I am now into a very deep trap of the subcoscious.Can i escape from this?Can i break this mechanical nature of mine?and how?No doctor will save my life.What can i do?Any advice would be helpfull.Thanks for reading this guys.

Edited May 1, 2018 by Sirius

[Nahm]

@Sirius You’re gonna be fine, I promise. There is not a thing wrong with you or your life. It’s all more malleable than it seems right now. One step at a time will eventually change everything, and each step is going to feel really good. You’re gonna get your life back. I had manic depression and was suicidal when I was 20.   20-25 is the hardest age. Help me help you with more info, and switch to pm if you like. Also, you can PM me all day, everyday. I want to help. We’re gonna change everything. I know that sounds unbelievable, but we are going to. No one can stop us. 

How old are you? 

Male or female?

Do you meditate and or exercise every morning? If yes, what are you doing? If no, why aren’t you? To the best of your ability, explain why, what resisstenat thoughts are you choosing which are making that too hard?

What’s your eating look like?

What are the traumas of your life? Most of us have them. It’s more common than I bet you think it is, and it’s ok, and normal, to talk about it.

What do you listen to? Which gurus / teachers?

Have you done epsychadelics before? (Not suggestion now is the time, just seeking to understand where you’re at)

You got friends? How many? Do you have a close friend? 

Are you in a relationship?

And most importantly, what is your best guess at what event or events took place in your life that led you to start seeing the world as serious?

Who do you love. (Love as a verb. Who do you give love to?)

Do you have any pets?

We can systematically reveal all the false understandings and you will have tremendous relief. 

I just made another post asking for help with IPad / Pc stuff. I’m ignorant there. But the inner world, what you need some help with, I know that like the back of my hand.  Not one of us knows everything. We get to help each other. We get to carry each other.  That is how it’s supposed to be. 

The practices of clarity & brevity start now. Don’t write pages. Find the point, what’s relevant, and use one or two sentences. This is a habit which will simultaneously clean & clear up your thinking. 

[Solace]

I feel like you are on the deepest healing journey in your life, and you don't even know it. All of the hurt you are feeling, all of this sadness, and unhappiness; you are healing just by being alive to experience it.

I want you to know Sirius that you are so loved beyond even the most heart warming thing you can think of. At every stage of your journey your soul watches you with the utmost respect and love for however you choose to see your life. And then there is all the beings reading this, your family, and the world who if they were in your shoes would want to give you the biggest hug possible, and to hear everything you had to say from the beginning, as I do. You are doing everything perfectly, and so I don't need you to change and meditate more, or see a therapist. The only thing I see here is a heart that is crying out for your attention, saying, "Sirius, please be the loving father I have never had. I yearn for you to feel all of the fear inside me so that it can leave this body through your loving gaze, receiving the respect, admiration, and appreciation that fear deserves just as much as any other emotion I feel".

Simply, everything will be ok, all that is required is for you to survive your emotions (that's the only request of life), and you're acing that. On a more intimate level see that feeling your emotions in your heart such as fear, or rejection actually heals them, and how once you've felt them enough one day you will wake up and notice that all of your fear has just magically disappeared! This is the art of self-love, to be able to feel your emotions on a deeper level. Not only that, since we are all connected you are healing that same fear or pain out of the bodies of every single human being who is living on this planet whether you know it or not. That is amazing if you think about it. Just imagine how much you have healed so far in each persons heart including your own?

 

You will overcome this by loving the one who is thinking suicidal thoughts, and loving the one inside of you who deserves so much more love than he is getting. To say to your heart right now, "i am so sorry for pushing you away from me by thinking for one moment that the fear you are in or suicidal thoughts you entertained were wrong. I now realize that these emotions you're feeling just shows me how much more love we both deserve. My beloved heart, I love you just the way you are. From now on I will embrace every thought and feeling that you have as I would a 5 crying year old child who just needs to be held, in the arms of pure love. I understand that my only way to liberation is through loving and supporting you instead of thinking of ways to fix you such as in meditation. I love you so much, and I am here at your side to listen to everything you have to say. From this moment forward I choose to be your eternal liberator even if life seems uncomfortable now, cause I know that it is only uncomfortable by the lack of attention I have given you throughout the years. Now I am here darling, and I won't leave you. You have my full attention now honey. Now you can finally rest in this safety. Be free my love, my light, be free".

Notice how that felt in your body. Do you feel better? A bit lighter? Carry this self-love with you where ever you go, and life will unfold into the heaven you have always dreamed it to be man. I'm so sorry for what you've been through, and you are more than this. I hope this can be your first step into a more heart-centered journey without the need to do any spiritual practice at the moment while you feel this way other than to sit down and feel all of the pain in your heart Best wishes on your journey, and PM me anytime if you need any help.

Edited May 1, 2018 by Solace

[Sirius]

@Nahm Thank you so much for this.I really appreciate you taking the time to help me.My family tries to help me ,but they dont know the way.I attented a psychologist which uses some kind of hypnosis therapy.I dont know if it's going to help at all, i believe its a waste of time.I believe i cannot be saved on this society.But even if i leave, i will carry everything with me.

I'm a male and I am almost 26 now.

I stopped meditating, i cant sit anymore.I'm very neurotic, my anxiety levels are on peak and although i need alot of sleep i cannot relax, my body is giving up.I seek perfection, perfect posture mostly.And thats how i got lost.I watch every single imperfection of me on mirrors, when i sit(Aligning the body), when i walk(watching every step) and when i sleep(aligning the posture) but this never got me anywhere, i was getting worse without even knowing it.I cannot stop moving and aligning my body for years to the point that i now have really harmed myself and i cannot stop it.I am lost and nobody can understand how serious it is for me.Whoever i talk to they're like "Oh well everybody has these kinds of problems".

I was exercising and running but i started hurting my body, so i had to stop.It hasnt healed yet.Oh man i wish i really could explain further this one.My awareness is much on my body.Afraid of gravity, always.I want to exercise, but i also want rest.

My eating was mostly veggies but i fucked up.Now I'm drinking coffee creating more anxiety.I struggling right now to explain and write.Unbelievable tension is all over my body.

I have alot of truamas.From my father, since i was a baby and throughout my whole life by other people.Everything is supressed.

No i havent done psychedelics although they might help.I used to smoke alot of week alone.So i fucked up also this way.

I dont have friends anymore.I used to hangout with people but i stopped.I had a close friend but he left the city.

I dont have a girlfriend no, i lack sex my whole life.I only had a few times, but i never enjoyed it.Too tense.

How can i self actualize if i cant sit?i cant relax.I'm gonna pass out right now with this keyboard.

I'm sorry i cant think anymore.I cant add anything else.

Help me out, ill do whatever it takes.

I have a dog yes.He helps sometimes.

[Sirius]

@Solace Thank you so much for your big post , and taking the time to write this.I will try to reply to this later.I have gone through alot already, my heart cant take this anymore.

[Solace]

Everything you said above was the most honest words I've heard in a while. That was your heart saying all of that, for you to hear, as we start to heal all of this together We are here to love and support you through all of this. Just wanted to say also thank you for writing this, because that is a step closer to living a life of never ending joy and bliss.

I know it's hard, but there is good people here to reflect back to you the love that you are destined to give to yourself any time you desire, so that your heart knows it's safe. Sometimes self-love is giving your heart a voice to blame, judge and persecute anybody that has hurt you in your life as much as possible in your head. Allow yourself to be as angry as possible, and as fearful as you can! Let the gates of hell open for all those that ignored, rejected, or overlooked you. This really helped when I was having intense emotions arise in my body after a break up. Once you have "let yourself loose" in this way, take the next step (when the intensity has died down, and this is only optional) and just continue to feel any emotion that arises while realizing that what you are feeling you are healing not only out of yourself, but also others in each moment you are alive, and in each breathe you take. You are healing an entire planet. Then keep repeating it until you feel peaceful, notice how much better you feel if you try.

Have a lovely day.

 

Edited May 1, 2018 by Solace

[Colin]

I am reading a book right now called "The Tools" and in it, they claim that gratitude is the solution to negative thinking. They call it the "grateful flow" and according to them it is much more powerful at assisting with out of control negative thoughts then one would initially think. 

 

No need to write anything down or chant anything. Just kick back and listen to this for a few minutes, a few times a day, and see how you feel. 

[Nahm]

1 hour ago, Sirius said:

@Nahm Thank you so much for this.I really appreciate you taking the time to help me.My family tries to help me ,but they dont know the way.I attented a psychologist which uses some kind of hypnosis therapy.I dont know if it's going to help at all, i believe its a waste of time.I believe i cannot be saved on this society.But even if i leave, i will carry everything with me.

Those beliefs are more powerful than you yet know. Consider this - you know that you don’t know if that therapy is gonna help. Ok. Cool. What you do inherently know, is that attitude is everything. You just don’t yet know the level of power in attitude. Hypnosis therapy can be the most powerful therapy, it can rather instantly change one’s perspective. 

I have no qualms in telling the truth -You are a creator. Much more than you yet know. Your beliefs, attitude, and perspective shape your reality. Be open minded, and loving with the therapy. Allow it to help you. Hypnosis therapy is an old buddy you haven’t seen for a long time. Hug it in! 

(I’m going to interject a lot. I’m not being critical, I’m getting down into the nuances in an effort to help you see your troubles are rooted in your perspective. I hear you, I know it’s hard as fuck. You may think no one really knows how bad it is. I do know. I did therapy, I took lots of pills, I have been there. This is the work. You’re going to work through this, and it’s going to get better. There will be a day in your future that you kiss the ground, thankful to be alive. Keep in mind, when I say that to you - I have been there. I got “out”. You will too.)

I'm a male and I am almost 26 now.

I stopped meditating, i cant sit anymore

Yes you can. I know it’s hard. But you can. 

.I'm very neurotic

No, YOU are not neurotic. You have built a habit of demeaning yourself. There is a critical difference between seeing that neurosis describes something you’re doing - and saying “I am neurotic”.   You are not that. While it may seem constant, look into the details of the experience. See that it does change, there are levels of severities in the occurrences. It changes. What changes is not what you are. When you experience the habit of neuroticism, see that it has the property of changing, and say to yourself - who is aware of these changes? What is the constant? What has always been the same in my experience. That is you.   Do not call anything that changes you. Ever. It’s a bad habit, that’s all. Like smoking. It’s just a habit, and it will be resolved. You can do this.  Other people have done this, I have done this, you will do this. 

, my anxiety

Anxiety is not yours. It does not belong to you, it is not a characteristic of you, it is no part of you at all. If you think that it is “of you” or “yours” or “an accurate description of you” - you are wrong. It is a word which describes an experience.

There is what you want, how you want to feel, who you want to be as a person, what you want to have, what you want to experience in your life. When you do not take some action, when you do not take the small steps - which add up to become these things, you don’t feel so good about yourself, about life. Anxiety is a word for not doing anything about what you know you want to be doing. Anxiety is not a cold, you didn’t catch it. It is not a genetic disorder, you were not born with it. 

You must admit to yourself at some point, that you created it, so you can be free of it, so you can realize you are a creator, and you can create the life that you want. You walked yourself into this mess, and there is no problem, because you can walk yourself out of this mess.  

levels are on peak and although i need alot of sleep i cannot relax, my body is giving up.I seek perfection

I’ve looked into what I am from the surface level “reality” which appears objective, to the absolute, to the only Being there is, which we all are. So, I know, first hand, from direct experience - what you are. I know that sounds weird, because of course, I don’t know shit about your person. But, I know what you are, and it is already perfect. You can’t get it wrong, no matter what you do. This God within us all, this One Being that we are, that everything is - it is unconditional. It is me, it is you, it is Hitler. Try to get a sense of how unconditional the love within you is. To our source, Hitler is perfect. You might be beatin up on yourself for a while now about being perfect, but you’re no Hitler man. Do you see what I’m saying? No matter what you do, it’s perfect! We need to get you off this serious train you got on at some point. 

 

, perfect posture mostly.And thats how i got lost.I watch every single imperfection of me on mirrors, when i sit(Aligning the body), when i walk(watching every step) and when i sleep(aligning the posture) but this never got me anywhere, i was getting worse without even knowing it.I cannot stop moving and aligning my body for years to the point that i now have really harmed myself and i cannot stop it.I am lost and nobody can understand how serious it is for me.Whoever i talk to they're like "Oh well everybody has these kinds of problems".

Everyone does not face these kinds of problems. Most people do something about it WAY BEFORE they allow themselves to get as lost as you have. Most people are dieting, trying exercise, working on quitting bad habits and starting new , healthy ones. There is nothing special about not doing these healthy things for yourself. 

Have good posture because you are learning to love your body and to take care of it. It is the temple.

When you look in the mirror, begin allowing the love to come out. There is nothing special or perfect about looking at the unique creation you are, and knit picking things that don’t matter. You are you, and fuck off to anyone who doesn’t see how wonderful you are. 

I was exercising and running but i started hurting my body, so i had to stop.It hasnt healed yet.Oh man i wish i really could explain further this one.My awareness is much on my body.Afraid of gravity, always.I want to exercise, but i also want rest.

I’m calling bullshit. Like ten days ago I was in an accident. Big ol lump on the side of my head, shoulder nearly dislocated, and a fractured toe. Two days of rest / didn’t exercise. I couldn’t get back to my normal exercise right away (running & bowflex), so, I went for walks, did rowing on the bowflex favoring my left shoulder instead, etc. 

I suspect your awareness is not “on your body”. Sounds like you’re choosing negative thoughts about your body. There is nothing ‘aware’ about doing that. Meditate every morning, and every afternoon. Bring awareness to your body. Bring love to you body. I know it’s hard. I hear you - that you can’t meditate, that it’s too hard. Bullshit. Get in line like the rest of us and do the work. You will see there is nothing to fear. You created the fear. The only way to see this for yourself is to go through it. To DO the practices. 

You’re not afraid of gravity. That’s ridiculous. Drop it. You made it up. You need to hear this man, sorry, but you do -   Get off your ass. Start living. Stop making shit up like you’re afraid of gravity. You wanna feel better? Stop fucking around. Wake up and get doing. Get a giant magic marker and write “I’m done fucking around” on the wall. Get. Action. Oriented. ! Stop feeling sorry for yourself and start doing what you know you should be doing to help yourself. 

My eating was mostly veggies but i fucked up.Now I'm drinking coffee creating more anxiety.I struggling right now to explain and write.Unbelievable tension is all over my body.

I bet. Don’t drink the coffee. Replace it with decaf tea, or something else w/o caffeine. Do it!!! 

I have alot of truamas.From my father, since i was a baby and throughout my whole life by other people.Everything is supressed.

You got to ‘tell it’. Tell me, pm me, tell the therapist, tell a good friend - but tell someone. When you suppress, when you don’t talk through it, it feels like it’s growing into a freakin monster inside you. When you start talking, start getting it out - you start seeing it was what you needed - just to ‘get it out’. It make take a while, and it might be hard af, but I have seen what you are, and you can do it. Be brave. Going through this will make you fearless. You will help a great many people in your life, because you didn’t pussy out - you faced it, you healed yourself. You will. It is only yourself you will face. Take some peace in knowing that. There’s no actual monster in the closet, no demons, none of that. There’s you, a bunch of shit you experienced and internalized - and you created an idea of what & who you are that blows. It blows dude! Right!? Fucking. Blows.!!!!! Let’s be done doing that. Ok? No more talking shitty about yourself, you are deserving of peace, it is your birthright, it is within you right now - you need only to stop making an arguement that you don’t deserve to be happy and feel great, you do!!! You actually do! You just got to say ENOUGH! And start in that direction. 

No i havent done psychedelics although they might help.I used to smoke alot of week alone.So i fucked up also this way.

It’s just weed man. You didn’t fuck anything up. You’re WAY to hard on yourself. Loosen up, it’s healthy to be silly, it’s healthy to laugh. I mean God damnit dude, you picked the name “Sirius”. WTF?! Loosen up!! Stand up, put some music on, and shake the serious out! 

I dont have friends anymore.I used to hangout with people but i stopped.I had a close friend but he left the city.

Perfect. You need time to yourself to get things movin. Health, perspective, etc. Write down on a piece of paper a date. Maybe a month out, or two, that you’ll go visit him. Make this a goal, and make this an inspiration to get your shit together. Do the therapy, do the meditation. Be very open minded, and do lots of things. Go do reiki - it changed my life. Try it. 

I dont have a girlfriend no, i lack sex my whole life.I only had a few times, but i never enjoyed it.Too tense.

Get to sex later. 

How can i self actualize if i cant sit?i cant relax.I'm gonna pass out right now with this keyboard.

You can sit. You won’t pass out. You must sit. You will not get through this by continuing to run away from it. Sit, see there is nothing to be afraid of. 

I'm sorry i cant think anymore.I cant add anything else.

I’ll do whatever it takes.  This is it. This is the attitude you need. WRITE THAT ON THE WALL RIGHT NOW. RIGHT NOW! You want to see it everyday, all day. 

I have a dog yes.He helps sometimes.

This is gonna sound a little fucked up, like I’m bullshitting, but I’m not. Your dog is God. Yep. God. Talk to it, say what you need to say. It listen much better than a human ever could. 

You’re gonna be fine. You are putting far to little value on the basics: Eating healthy, exercising & meditation. Take the focus off being or looking perfect, having perfect posture, etc, etc, etc and USE THAT FOCUS on the basics. You need to rebuild. Those basics are FAR more important than you are giving credit. They are the foundation to a happy healthy life. You have underestimated them while beating up on yourself for not doing them. That - you did fuck up. You can unfuck yourself by doing those basics. We’re talking 1-2 hours a day, to completely turn your entire life around. You can do it man. 

Oh ya, and for God sakes man, start listening to Abraham Hicks. Get back to Leo’s videos down the road. Their too intense for you right now. 

Do one little thing today. One little thing. It will begin to appear less overwhelming. One little thing each day is enough. 

Don’t underestimate the power of music. If I have even the slightest hint of stress - I wake up and put on a song like Shake It Off (Taylor Swift). I’m a 43 year old married man with 3 kids. It’s a ridiculous thing to do. That’s why it works. Music man. Music. Powerful stuff. Where did your silliness go? Where did your child within go? Where is your ridiculousness? Bring it back.

 

[Viking]

You could try to go to a psychologist if you havent already. Im planning to, soon, even though my life is not in shambles, it's kinda tough though.

it's really comforting I would guess, just talking to a person about that stuff already gets you out of your head. lack of communication leads to disaster usually, I know because Im alone most of the time and i've realized on a recent lsd trip i've had how much it hurts.

[cetus]

@Sirius Give up living in the head. Live in the now instead!

 

[Lucas Lousada]

You can meditate laying down on your bed, or on the floor, tips:

Do not let any part of your body touch any other part( example arms and hands stretched, not on your belly )

lay down with your belly up, give a little space between your legs

ultimate silence, if you do not have any earbuds, earphones, try to find some pillow strategy to block noise

pay attention in the darkness in front of you, usually when you close your eyes, people dont realize that the darkness can be seen.

weed can help you relax, if you live in a country that is not allowed, you may need some extra energy to help yourself.

try to remember that end it all requires a really amount of energy, because it is a big change, and if you have this power, you can use that same energy to change other things.

I believe you know what makes you feel down, cut it off your life.

Life itself is nothing, your consciousness is the real deal, you can end your life a thousand times but if your consciousness is not in peace, not a single one of them will help.

[DMM710]

11 hours ago, Nahm said:

Oh ya, and for God sakes man, start listening to Abraham Hicks. Get back to Leo’s videos down the road. Their too intense for you right now. 

Do one little thing today. One little thing. It will begin to appear less overwhelming. One little thing each day is enough. 

Don’t underestimate the power of music. If I have even the slightest hint of stress - I wake up and put on a song like Shake It Off (Taylor Swift). I’m a 43 year old married man with 3 kids. It’s a ridiculous thing to do. That’s why it works. Music man. Music. Powerful stuff. Where did your silliness go? Where did your child within go? Where is your ridiculousness? Bring it back.

 

Geez dude. My life situation is very different.. But a lot of these responses apply to my life “problems” as well.  I was honestly in tears reading some of these responses, thank you.. 

Edited May 2, 2018 by DMM710

[Nahm]

@DMM710 All About That Bass is nice also.

[DMM710]

11 hours ago, Nahm said:

@DMM710 All About That Bass is nice also.

Oh I was talking about your responses in his message you quoted. But thanks for the music suggestion 

[Faceless]

23 hours ago, cetus56 said:

@Sirius Give up living in the head. Live in the now instead!

 

This is a great one for you @Sirius

[Nahm]

@DMM710 I know. Thank you. I was bein funny.

[Sirius]

Thanks everybody for reading this, and taking the time to help me out.The problem with me is I'm always distracted my something, never self actualizing.I cant focus, and i never could in my life.My body is asking for sleep, yet this mind causes all my pain and suffering.And i cannot stop it.I still need alot of time to heal.I hope I'll make it.

Much love.

[Colin]

Full disclouse: I have been taking a couple of capsules of tyrosine and stomping and hopping around like a child in the sunshine while listening to mosaic by 311 over the last few days. Certainly the best part of my day. 

[Nahm]

@Sirius

People who are obese “just don’t have the energy to exercise”.

People who are angered easily say “It’s just how I am”

People who smoke cigarette say “It’s just not a good time for me to quit”

People who don’t have a job say “there just aren’t any good ones out there”

People who need more focus & concentration “Just can’t meditate”

People who get shit done, do.

 

 

 

[Colin]

"whether you think you can, whether you think you can't, either way, you're right" - 311