Yep. I finally got it. Painful awakening, need help asap again.

[Nadosa]

Ive already posted the last days on here. For 7 months I have involuntarily been on a awakening "trip" which has just come to its climax. Im suffering like hell. FOR THE LAST FEW DAYS I REALIZE THAT THIS "SELF" CANT EXIST ANYMORE, THE THOUGHT GAMES MADE ME REALIZE THAT "I" CANT LOGICALLY EXIST ANYMORE, ANY IDENTIFICATION WITH "I" IN MY HEAD CAUSES SUFFERING. EACH AND EVERY.

I havent followed this path that intensely and didnt want by any means to be become awaken that way, just chose it for mental illness reasons.

I am suffering something with delusional beliefs but I cant let them go.

I dont know if I am having an awakening. I feel terrible. I am realizing that I am not the one in my head. Just in that moment it feels like: nope thats not you and you will never ever be able to re-identify normally with it. BUT NOT IN A PLEASANT WAY. I AM LAYING IN MY BED AND RATHER FEEL SUICIDAL AND HOPELESS THAN ANYTHING ELSE. I HAVE A HUGE IDENTITY CRISIS (I AM 18 YEARS OLD).

It creates a huge conflict inside me. It feels like my ego is falling apart in 1000 pieces. It feels like I cant hold on to anything. I feel like I am not this body, just CONSCIOUSNESS, I AM FORMLESS, NOT THE ONE ON MY ID, NOT "I". I AM NOT THE ONE IN THE MIRROR. MY MIND JUST MADE ME REALIZE THAT BY ITS OWN HORRIBLE THOUGHT GAMES IT PLAYED ON ME.

BUT I CANT DO ANYTHING BUT RESIST THIS REALIZATION WHICH MAKES ME HOPELESS. I AM OVERWHELMED.

In August last year I felt like my ego was slowly dying, feeling like "I" couldnt exist anymore. The last few days I was ruminating about that. Something changed in me the past months. I realized that I can only live if I just live in the moment and ignore any bad patterns, any IDENTIFICATION WITH MIND AND "I" CAUSED ASAP SUICIDAL FEELINGS

The last days Ive been identifying with it immensely and it felt like "boom, do "I" really live?" And my mind says: you cant logically exist anymore. And boom the realization that I am just awareness popped in.

How will I ever be able to live normally after this realization? It doesnt feel like it is a "right" awakening. Why THE HELL WOULD YOU WANT AWAKENINGS WITH LSD TRIPS (Didnt take it, just curious, who the hell wants an awakening like that, so damn painful)? It is because your ego is strong and healthy enough ? Just my brain being sick?

I am sorry for putting my weight of issues on your shoulders.

Edited April 29, 2018 by Nadosa

[Matt8800]

@Nadosa The existence of your ego is an illusion but "your" awareness is not. The ego doesnt exist but something does. You just need to realize what that is.

[Nathan]

Try to appreciate life for what it is and try not to get hung up about how you form and maintain an identity in it. Your mind is firing anxious feelings on all cylinders at the moment so just try and find something relaxing to engage with and let things run their course. Don't get pulled in and alarmed by the self talk, breathe. You'll feel better later, everything is transient including this dark period of yours. 

[Nadosa]

But I dont know why. There is absolutely no reason why my mind produces these patterns. I cant handle the truth. Everything my mind told me is that I am not this body, not me. It is the only thing atm I can think about and it makes this dark part even bigger.

Edited April 29, 2018 by Nadosa

[Ether]

2 hours ago, Nadosa said:

But I dont know why. There is absolutely no reason why my mind produces these patterns. I cant handle the truth. Everything my mind told me is that I am not this body, not me. It is the only thing atm I can think about and it makes this dark part even bigger.

Congratulations, you are now living my everyday struggle.

[Nathan]

I've had mind attacks before, they're life shattering, prolonged and in the midst of them it feels like it there isn't a chance that life will ever be okay again because you've dug deeper than you can handle. But trust me, it will pass.. the mind will quieten eventually and after the struggle it won't have the influence that it did prior.

[Nadosa]

I dont know, I am just really confused of everything. Today I woke up and felt fine but still I had this damn crippling feeling (which felt very very real!) that killing myself wouldnt have been different from what I experienced last days. It is like I completely ignore the idea of suicide my mind wants me to act on. It feels like again I am continue living whilst my mind doesnt want me to live. Is this interpretation just another delusion?

[Nathan]

The mind will fire all kinds of opinions and feelings, many of which as you've witnessed are the opposite of beneficial.

The important thing is to not identify with these thoughts, try not to take them too seriously, that will be difficult at the moment though. The more you focus your attention on them the more the mind will generate new thought content of that nature. This can be difficult when braving through the storm of negative feelings as feelings are very powerful and tend to command our attention. 

The best thing you can do is to focus mainly on what's going on in your reality instead of what your mind is making of it, perceive rather than think.

Your direct attention is sort of like a spotlight, it can't really focus on two things at once very efficiently. The more you pay attention to your thought, the less engaged you are with reality and vice versa.

Pay attention to the present moment of your reality, and when your attention is diverted to any alarming thoughts/feelings, try to bring your attention back to your perception.

It helps if what you're witnessing is something you find engaging, that way your mind will be fixated on that and is less likely to work against you and drag up ruminations about what you've been experiencing the last few months.

Edited May 1, 2018 by Nathan

[Nadosa]

I think I am not strong enough for this awakening. It is literally a psychological death, it feels like it. Please tell me I am not crazy, I feel like I am not exisiting in this concept of time anymore or I cant. I awakened myself by overthinking to a point where my mind automatically made me awake. Trust me. I FEEL LIKE SUICIDE WOULDNT BE MUCH DIFFERENT THAN THE STATE OF MIND IM IN FOR MONTHS NOW. 

 

 

Unfortunately I havent noticed any of the good yet. Just pure suffering. If that is awakening, I woudve for sure renounced it. Day by day I realize that "I" cant exist anymore due to circumstances in my mind. When will the moment come, when I feel one with myself, not feeling like regretting that I havent killed myself?

 

I am literally not amused with the word "awakening", since it is such a life threatening issue in my case. I feel my ego is just nothing, very vague, about to break, protecting itself by telling me I have to kill it phsically.

 

So when I am just not what I thought I am, my mind tells me everything of me is vague, why should it be so different to killing myself. It is somehow the easier way than carrying around the burden of this issue.

 

It is the same as suicide, every enlightened person says that suicide is the ultimate enlightenment. It is a valid feeling of death. Just psychologically, so, how can this ever be a bliss? I am not suicidal. It just gets more serious in that matter, that everything in my mind I identify with is so existential, so deeply rooted.

[Nahm]

@Nadosa None of this is existential territory. You have some regular old health and esteem opportunities. You can do it man. 

[Nadosa]

How do you mean that?

You are suggesting exercising etc. but I feel completely bad and worn out after it. I havent exercised for a while now, yesterday I went for a 20 mins intense jog. But thoughts were coming during it, just making me feel that is useless. I was trying to run it away, hoping to somehow forget this part of me for a short time.

[Nahm]

@Nadosa Thoughts are not a part of you. You’re free to make and hold that belief though, obviously. 

Thoughts are not your problem, if you were repeating positive thoughts, you’d feel great.

There, in actuality, is no problem. Just a person thinking negative things, over and over. 

No favor is being done trying to equate this to enlightenment, or growth in self actualization. 

[Nadosa]

But I cant deny that I have valid feelings of death.

[Nadosa]

14 hours ago, Nahm said:

@Nadosa Thoughts are not a part of you. You’re free to make and hold that belief though, obviously. 

Thoughts are not your problem, if you were repeating positive thoughts, you’d feel great.

There, in actuality, is no problem. Just a person thinking negative things, over and over. 

No favor is being done trying to equate this to enlightenment, or growth in self actualization. 

Letting go of this part feels like letting go your dog (actually feels like smth of more importance), but you want to know what happens to him. It is this feeling of losing something, and just a tiny look after it causes your perspective to turn 180°…

And feeling like he jumps off a cliff, but I need to know what happens because it feels like it is a part of me, so I have to jump after to look for him.

And then there is this giant pack of uncertainty, this urge to know where this dog is, how he feels, why I didnt follow him and that not following him was probably wrong.

And then looking into the future it feels like I wont be able to handle it without the whole package of the me, his views etc..

Then the feeling of guilt not having seen after it, the feeling of craziness continuing without it...

 

Ive had this letting go feeling too with anxiety. But now it feels like I let "me" go. Complete other dimension.

 

What's the bad thing that would happen if I did that?

 

A life pondering where this part of me has gone.

 

A feeling that I just believe that I am not it in order to make me feel better. I havent realized that consciousness is somehow more "me" than ego.

 

That my higher self is somehow more worth listening to than my ego.

 

A feeling of ignorance towards my mind (keep in mind, that this submind has been fuelled, built for 8 months now, it is really strong).

How can people after Egodeath reconnect to their body, understand why their body is still there, believing that their body is not ego? How re-connect to a normal life?

Edited May 14, 2018 by Nadosa

[Viking]

i see soo much resistance, of course you suffer so much. you believe your thoughts and identify with them too much. read "the power of now" or "loving what is". bro, read books and watch youtube lectures. it helps a lot.

 

 

 by wanting to return to the old ways you identify with your ego, which you claim you are not, see a contradiction there? just observe the thoughts, watch "the power of now" its critical to absorb information like that

if nothing works try to see a psychotherapist, you dont know how much that can help

Edited May 18, 2018 by Viking

[Nadosa]

Thank you. Its been really hard lately. Feeling like losing touch with reality.

[Elisabeth]

I'm so sorry this is still being hard  

Have you managed to reach out to anyone? Have found a therapist in Germany? 

The only other idea I have is to email the Holos centre in Czech Republic (my country). They do holotropic breathwork and help in psychospiritual crises. See if they can have you there for a few weeks. I'm seriously convinced you would really benefit from a full-time therapeutic program, but I remember and respect your decision not to get involved with anyone who would get you medicated. Therapeutic programs can be great. I've benefitted from mine even in a conventional mental health facility.

 https://holos.cz/en/holos-centre

[Nadosa]

I am so glad you answered Elizabeth! I am here in Germany and I have been visiting a trauma therapist for 4 weeks now and we finally start with the therapy next week! Unfortunately, he is not so into spirituality what makes it even harder to match my beliefs about spirituality with his. 

[Elisabeth]

56 minutes ago, Nadosa said:

I am so glad you answered Elizabeth! I am here in Germany and I have been visiting a trauma therapist for 4 weeks now and we finally start with the therapy next week! Unfortunately, he is not so into spirituality what makes it even harder to match my beliefs about spirituality with his. 

Well, that's a start at least! 

Have you discussed your options with him? Could he refer you to a more intensive program (I assume you're only seeing him for an hour a week or so, which seems very little in your case)? Even if that's not your path, I'm very glad you'll be doing trauma resolution. Hopefully you can work out the spirituality part with him as well.

Also, I remember now the Buddhist meditation teacher I met (who didn't suit me as a meditation teacher) was a former therapist. Accidentally, he's also German, though living in Prague now. I'm not saying you should go heavy Buddhist  (although if this is an awakening they could as well know a thing or two about it), but my idea is, maybe there's someone in your local meditation center who also has therapeutic experience, or who knows a therapist that also has had an awakening experience. Maybe you could consult that person once or twice at least. 

Speaking trauma, I've really enjoyed Teal Swan's videos in the last few weeks. I don't know if watching video's is a good idea for you right now or not - generally educating yourself does help some, but not if it tips you over to unmanageable states. 

 

Edited May 20, 2018 by Elisabeth

[Nadosa]

I really dont know. Ive always observed awakening from a distance, never really wanted to dedicate myself to it, just benefit from the standard teachings in buddhism. But this time, I was thrown right into it, I literally feel like my Ego has been dying for the last months and my perception of time is more than unreal and warped, feeling like I cant exist in it anymore. That is how I interpret my feelings. 

So you see where I stand: a point where I neither want to trust the western medical culture, nor really the eastern philosophy. I cant dedicate to anything really. Both options are connected to fear because they'll somehow determine my life and if I heal. I know going down the awakening path will awaken me 100%, but do I really want to do that? I dont feel like that at all. I dont want to be a hardcore advocate. Because that'd be a very lonely path especially in my country.

Edited May 21, 2018 by Nadosa