This week was an emotional rollercoster

[Jonson]

I've been to another city this week with my classmates to visit some universities. I wasn't really interested in universities but rather in the new experiences, new people and just having fun. I felt very good with my 3 friends that i spent most of the time with. There were many moments of fun and happiness. But, i also had moments of  some strange feelings of anxiety in my body.  

Before the trip I thought that i will meet  new girls and have fun with them, possibly find a girlfriend. 

We are all 17 year olds.

The thing is that there is a girl in my class that i like. She has a boyfriend. They've been together for 2 years now. Before that, we have spent some time together during school and i fell in love with her. She thought i was cute and cool, but due to my lack of confidence and given the circumstances i didn't get to become her boyfriend. After a year of getting to know each other really well, she got a boyfriend. Then we kinda stopped talking. We had since then many great moments, where we talked, had fun, laughed but just in the way of being friends. I think she likes taller guys though. I am shorter than her a bit, she is like 177 and i'm 175 cm. Whatever.  The thing is that we are attracted to each other occasionally, we have a great time, but i get attached to her and i become needy, that is probably what makes her want to get away from me. I understood these things 2 years ago and i thought that i would get other girls and become so successful that she will want to be with me. But i saw her every day in the class. I couldn't just stop thinking about her. She is very attractive in every way. 

So we had occasional moments of fun, laughter and "attraction" while she had a boyfriend. Btw i don't know her bf, he is from some other school and i only saw some photos of them together on Facebook. 

Even though i didn't tell her how i feel directly "i love you" , it was obvious for her and me. She thinks that i am funny and cute and often says that to some of her girl friends. She doesn't look at me as an alpha boyfriend. 

On this trip we had some moments of being  together but she was more after a guy friend of mine. Her bf didn't come on the trip. Let's call this friend Raz. Raz is like a typical alpha male :very confident, smart and tall. I am also smart and confident sometimes but not like him, i think i have a different style of being. We are good friends and we laugh a lot. She was constantly following him wherever we went even though she has a bf and it bothered me because they had some fun together without me and i think she was attracted to him. Nothing happened though. We were a group so i was always with them, it's not like they two were isolated, i also had fun with her, talked to her and she was interested in me, rather than watching the match with others one night, she wanted to go with me on a walk. 

It bothered me that they had fun without me. Raz was making jokes and she would always laugh. 

She was also separated from the other girls so she was the only girl with us 4 boys, of course she will follow the alpha guy. I understand that

I think it was also the fact that i cared too much, rather than having fun, she would have followed me more probably.

I should have talked to other girls rather than obsessing about her. 

I acted as if i didn't care when she laughed at Raz's jokes but i felt anxious. Raz was soo not caring about whether she's there or not, he was not needy at all, she was the one who was always following him. He didn't care, he has a girlfriend. 

Idk where i am going with this post, i just wanted to express what's going on with ne now cause i can't tell these things anyone else. I am sorry that i didn't organize my thoughts well

If you have some advice for me it would be nice. I anxious that i don't get my message across or that it's not well structured and boring so you will not read the whole thing

Edited April 28, 2018 by Jonson

[Salvijus]

I suggest you watch less hollywood movies

[Jonson]

i don't watch movies that much, especially not romantic ones . I lack confidence in my looks . I think that's the problem now , cause i'm pale and blond