LSD Trip Report: 200ug (Torn apart by God)

[Sukhpaal]

So, LSD whooped my ass to say the least. I decided to take a breakthrough dose because I had taken 100-150ug doses before and handed them without a problem, even tho 150ug was starting to get difficult. So, I took the 200ug and instantly I felt as if I was dying literally. I began panicking and trying to hold on to myself but I was dying out really fast. As time went on reality started breaking down and eventually that is when death came. Reality turned into nothingness and I went back to nothingness. It was shocking, I died and left my body and went to the place where I was before I took this human body. There was just complete nothingness, and it was terrifying until the death swallowed me whole. This death period lasted probably around 10-20 minutes and then I slowly started regathering myself as an ego and it was the scariest thing that had ever happened to me but it was the best thing that ever happened to me. Ironic isn't it? My death was the best thing that has ever happened to me in my life. It felt like God grabbed me and tore me to shreds! Here is some of the insights that came up shortly after I came back from death.

As an Ego, I try to put an anchor in reality to create a meaning in life and a purpose.

There is no place to put the anchor
How could you place an anchor where there is nothing there
On the anchor I put my deepest sense of self on
for me its:
My ex GF, other unconscious beliefs/values adopted, my brother
But there is no where to put the anchor because reality does not exist and the anchor doesn't even exist!
Because nothing exists, I try to make something exist so I adopt beliefs and reinforcements to make myself feel that I exist
I was struggling and desperately trying to find an anchor before i even met my ex gf
Then later on used her as the anchor
Now shes gone and there is no anchor
Even though the anchor is illusory and was never there to begin with
I used my ex gf to deepen my illusion
Unconsciously

But my brother as well
I used many others as an anchor
Anchor that is illusory and non existent
My brother and mom made the basis of the anchor
then everything else added onto it
Of course each thing added on which proportioned differently
My ex gf became a huge proportion of the anchor
And i used her to make the anchor feel more real than ever but then she was stripped away and now my anchor feels hollow and empty again
But she is an illusion she doesn't even exist
i just tried using another ego to fulfill me as an ego
Sports teams, video games, and many other hobbies
Were also thrown onto the anchor
the ANCHOR IS ILLUSORY AND DOES NOT EXIST!
used my ex girlfriend's appearance as an appeal to my ego's anchor
I also noticed that there is no difference between atheist and religious person.
atheist : no god is my god
religious: god is my god
Unless I full go into the empty void and die, I will continue to use people on my anchor
the brain itself is a hallucination
'Other' people are hallucinations

'Life' is a giant hallucination

Overall, I understand that even though it was the most terrifying experience I've ever had, I must die again. My goal is to surrender myself fully to death without any resistance. Of course, this will take years and years of consciousness work but I know I can do it. 

[Leo Gura]

You got it!

Keep digging deeper. There's more!

[Extreme Z7]

3 hours ago, Sukhpaal said:

atheist : no god is my god

religious: god is my god

HA! Brilliant!

[phoenix666]

wonderful! I can relate so much to that. reading it through 'your' perspective makes goosebumps arise all over again. dying has also been the most horrifying and the most wonderful experience in 'my' life <3

I have many anchors as well. I guess the first step to letting go of them is to become aware of us having them. then seeing their true nature: nothingness. it hurts to realize that those anchors are hollow and only constructed by ourselves in a desperate attempt to give meaning and purpose to our existence. 

nice healing experience <3 it hurts so much to let go of people we fell in love with ..I know that very well. but it's time to realize that illusion. it will open the gates to true, unconditional love!

happy for you, nice report <3

[OBEler]

@Sukhpaal as a functioning ego I cannot understand how this "experience" you had was also wonderful and that you as an ego also want to surrender totally to this "nothingness". In this nothingness there is nothing going on for eternity, isnt it? But right now there is also nothing going on..

For an  ego, how can it be wonderful to know that there is nothing? To see at your girlfriend and to know that you are looking at a dreampicture made out of nothing and no one ever experience this, even yourself?

[Sukhpaal]

Thanks guys!

@OBEler It is quite complicating haha, the death brought me peace. My death was liberation, it was truth. It was terrifying at the start to know that there was nothing and all of this is a hallucination. But eventually I surrendered and went into the void. It sounds depressing that all there is, is nothingness but that is just ego talk. Being conscious of reality and the illusion of reality is the most glorious thing ever. When you’re conscious of reality you realize there are no problems with life and whatever problem there is out there, you just made it up. Everything is perfect right now, it doesn’t get any better than the present moment.

[OBEler]

@Sukhpaal @Sukhpaal I thank you for your answer, now I understand. Life is perfect, nothing changed. Just that it is a game. its funny that the most thing I like in this world are video games. But they are not real. Therefore I love already things which are not real. I like it  Want to play another round and another round... to infinity

 

[Sukhpaal]

@OBEler Exactly! Until we wake up and become conscious of reality we will forget it is just an hallucination. Wake up through death and enjoy the illusion ☺️

[Leo Gura]

6 hours ago, OBEler said:

@Sukhpaal as a functioning ego I cannot understand how this "experience" you had was also wonderful and that you as an ego also want to surrender totally to this "nothingness". In this nothingness there is nothing going on for eternity, isnt it? But right now there is also nothing going on..

For an  ego, how can it be wonderful to know that there is nothing? To see at your girlfriend and to know that you are looking at a dreampicture made out of nothing and no one ever experience this, even yourself?

Nothingness is not what you imagine it to be. It's the opposite.

This word "nothingness" confuses most people.

[Faceless]

 

[cetus]

 The best part about nothingness is that it shines.

[Sukhpaal]

@Mikael89 Well suicide involved the body dying as well, like the heart stops beating and all that. The death I experienced, I died as an ego and the body kept running its course. The best description I can come up with is, imagine being dead but being able to still see through your eyes and use the body. It kind of does not make sense, that is why experiencing it for yourself helps a ton. Whatever I say, won’t help too much. But I do get where you’re coming from. The psychadelic high is a hallucination inside the hallucination (life) itself. For example when you’re sober how do you know your brain is not hallucinating reality? How do we know for sure anything really exists? All we have is our human senses thats it, its never a DIRECT experience. I feel that I went beyond human perception with psychadelics. But thanks for the feedback it is true we should question everything! ☺️

[Leo Gura]

6 hours ago, Mikael89 said:

But what if the "death" was just a stupid hallucination from the drug?

But what if it wasn't?

What if life is a hallucination?

How could you ever even tell the difference?

[Leo Gura]

@Mikael89 Well, find out!

 

[Leo Gura]

[Truth Addict]

It's easy to talk about pleasant death while you're on the other side of pain.

I wonder "what is pain" if you might answer. Like physical pain, not mental made problems.

[Leo Gura]

@Truth Addict Physical pain is conceptual.

With lots of consciousness you can realize that pain is nothing.

But that will take some deep awakening.

[tsuki]

@Sukhpaal @Leo Gura Is it fair to say that nothingness is like a camera that does not understand the image it captures?
Like a video with nobody to watch it?

This is what I imagine a trip-induced death to be. An experience so overwhelming that it cannot be named.
Returning from that would be a life-changing event.

[Truth Addict]

1 hour ago, Leo Gura said:

@Truth Addict Physical pain is conceptual.

With lots of consciousness you can realize that pain is nothing.

But that will take some deep awakening.

I never had an enlightenment experience, but please how could that be the case?! ?

Leo, are you saying that pain is an illusion?! Like how could anyone enjoy a severe pain? For me, it's tangible to the degree that I can't concentrate on anything through a headache.

But anyways, I'm willing to learn. I'm still a newbie.

Edited April 28, 2018 by Truth Addict

[Sukhpaal]

@Truth Addict It wasn’t pleasant at all believe me lol, it was pleasant after occurred. Leading up to the death was the most pain I’ve ever felt mentally, I went insane lol