shrooms trip report - dying endlessly

[phoenix666]

I’m trying to make sense of what I've just experienced. I took 3g of dried shrooms and they took me straight to .. I don’t know what the hell that was. if I could describe this trip in one word it would be dying.

 

I’m reading Terence McKenna right now, so I was really inspired to let the ancient magic flow through my veins and take me to deeper truths. I did a Kriya session (was a bit messy, since I was excited for the trip) and took the shrooms on an empty stomach right this early morning. 

my intention for the trip was to feel re-connected to reality and others and awake compassion in my heart.

 

I just lied down and closed my eyes, went inside. boundaries melted away, my identity started to blur. I kept it quite cool for a while.

 

then fear hit me. confusion, paranoia and a horrible feeling of losing my grip - on anything, really. I didn’t know who I was anymore, I merged together with all kinds of people I know. it scared me to death. I was also beating myself up. why are you doing this? why can’t you keep your fingers from stuff like that? self improvement, meditation, psychedelics…look what they did! my whole life I’ve been searching searching searching for something. for value, meaning.. where did this lead me to? lying on the floor, having lost it completely. gone mad, insane. I questioned everything. I suddenly felt so afraid of what my parents would think, seeing me like that. (at one point I couldn’t even say anymore 'me' and 'my parents' and their expectations and judgements - we became one)

 

then it hit me. why are you crying? why are you panicking? this is it. wake up. then I felt my body exploding. suddenly everything was inside of me, breaking out of me and shattering my body into countless pieces. I didn’t feel anything anymore, it was beyond feeling. just awe. 

 

I remember lying there and thinking words can’t, language can’t, mind can’t possibly describe this. then it hit me again, I had to let go, surrender. so I did. it went deeper and deeper. it was infinitely wonderful. it was really like (and I'm blushing to even write this) orgasming taking to infinity

 

I don’t know what got into me, I crawled on the floor, probably looking like I was having seizures. my whole body cramped, moved around. it felt like being possessed. yes, I really felt like a poor creature, possessed by a demon and gob-smashed by harsh reality.  panic choked me again. I was once again, doubting whether I just got clinically insane. 

 

I was lying on the pavement - distorted into positions I couldn’t have thought of my body being able to do in dreams, when I felt life fading away. but not like a sudden punch in my face like before. it was very, very slowly. I died excruciatingly slowly. painfully aware of the fear I still have in my bones. the fear of death. cold, endless and unknown. (well, not that unknown anymore )  

 

I realised this is it. just surrender, and I did. then I was sucked into an infinite strange loop containing everything that has ever existed and that will ever exist. all compressed into an endless cycle of dying, dying, dying. I saw the substance of everything, the substance of myself: it’s empty. it’s reality giving birth to itself endlessly whilst constantly dying. and it’s inside of me. (well at one point I clearly felt ‚inside‘ turning ‚outside‘ and merging into one)

 

what’s left of all of it: wow, I just realized how much I still cling to this identity I’ve build up. frightening. I cling so much to logic, mind, self image. I’ve never thought of myself of a fearful person. well turns out, I’m full of fear! I’ve just suppressed it behind a massive wall of denial and distraction.

 

a smaller insight: irony, sarcasm and teasing actually make the canyon between me and others even deeper. people are massively insecure and those things can seriously hurt them, even if they don’t admit it. sarcasm is been a self defense mechanism for me. a way of keeping distance in order to not get hurt. but now I feel ready to be vulnerable again. shit, I died. multiple times, endless times! I was stuck in a loop of dying for infinity and it let me in awe, not being able to move from the floor. I guess I can manage to be vulnerable again  

[Lynnel]

@phoenix666 Dude that sounds fucking amazing for 3g. Congrats !

[Guest Quanty]

Yes, mushrooms will teach the meaning of death and darkness. But don't freak out or you will have a panic attack or worse.

[cirkussmile]

Nice healing

Cosmic love ❤️

[Leo Gura]

@phoenix666 Yup, that's mushrooms for ya

They can take you to infinity, but the road will be twisted.

Breaking through that barrier of insanity is a really important step. So long as you're afraid of going insane, you're not yet capable of contemplating the nature of reality. The Truth lies beyond insanity.

You may want to upgrade to a less twisted psychedelic, like LSD.

The trouble with mushrooms is, it can be hard to integrate their lessons because they can be so twisted.

5-MeO-DMT is the polar opposite of that. You get Infinity without any twist, which is ideal. I haven't found any other psychedelic which is as clear and as direct. Most psychedelics are murky and capricious. The visual distortions also get in the way. And mushrooms fuck with your memory and sense of time in a weird way. They sort of hypnotize you.

[phoenix666]

@Lynnel thanks <3 it surprised me as well that 3g would take me as deep.

@Quanty yes, I've never seen myself as anxious or prone to panic attacks, but I definitively went through one on the trip. I guess fear of death can become very visceral and intense once you're really there. meditation has also surfaced some anxious tendencies lately, I guess I've always been suppressing them. I'm ready to work through that. I'm happy cause at one point I remembered to surrender to that fear and that's when the gate to infinity opened <3

@cirkussmile thanks <3 yeah, I don't know what exactly was healed, but I definitively purged something. those body spasms hahah  it was so intense!

@Leo Gura I've already broken through that barrier of insanity twice on shrooms. this was the third one and the fear was still massive. I don't know how many times I'll have to go through that. I think I'm still attached to logic and rationality... there is that deeply rooted belief that I absolutely need that for studying, my future job and just functioning in society.. 

have you lost that fear of insanity completely? 

yeah, thanks for the suggestion. shrooms are indeed murky and twisted. it's true, they fuck with our memory as well. I had some difficulty recalling the sequence of my trip. (it's strange because during the experience everything was so clear, I was very lucid and so conscious) it became foggy afterwards. writing the report helped me. 

my experiences on AL-LAD were much cleaner. I don't know if I can find LSD, but I was thinking to try 1P-LSD, which I could get more easily and should be very similar to it's famous twin brother

5-MeO-DMT has been my dream ever since I heard you talk about your experiences on that godly molecule. kind of hard to get to it though. I don't want to force it. I think I will get the opportunity when the time is right for me. can't wait for it..curiosity killed the cat

I guess I was inspired to take good old shrooms because of McKenna. I find his writings quite entertaining. I wanted to get that tribal vibe of the ancient goddess. all I got was dying though

[Leo Gura]

11 minutes ago, phoenix666 said:

have you lost that fear of insanity completely?

No, I've probably only scratched the surface of how deep the insanity goes. I don't really care to ever experience it again. Which is why I stay away from mushrooms.

McKenna had some mushroom trips that were supposedly so terrifying he never took them again.

I'd stick to AL-LAD or 1P-LSD. I think if you play around with mushrooms long enough, they will scare the shit out of you and probably sour your whole attitude towards psychedelics.

[phoenix666]

16 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

No, I've probably only scratched the surface of how deep the insanity goes. I don't really care to ever experience it again. Which is why I stay away from mushrooms.

McKenna had some mushroom trips that were supposedly so terrifying he never took them again.

I'd stick to AL-LAD or 1P-LSD. I think if you play around with mushrooms long enough, they will scare the shit out of you and probably sour your whole attitude towards psychedelics.

I can understand that. I know how deep that fear of insanity can get. I guess I'm also prone to experience it on shrooms because 'insanity' is a theme that has always fascinated me. I deep interest in how our mind/brain works and psychiatry also led me to my life purpose to become a doctor. I also did an internship in a psychiatric clinic, which touched me deeply. but it has also scared me away.. it pained me to see that dehumanized, heart- and compassionless mental health care system which still dominates the field. don't really want to be a part of that. 

but this theme of insanity seems to go full cycle for me

really? I didn't know that about McKenna. I don't know too much about him, but maybe his frequent use of cannabis has fueled those terrifying trips.. I'm happy to have a strong foundation with yoga and meditation. that definitively helped.

hahah don't want that to happen. thanks, I will take the suggestion to heart. 1P-LSD and of course 5meo are high on my list

Edited April 27, 2018 by phoenix666

[molosku]

@Leo Gura theres lots of talk on 5-LeO, but what about your regular old n, n DMT?  Any experiences with that? 

And yeah, out of all psychedelics especially mushrooms should be respected truly. There is no end to the horror and insanity that potentiates inside every milligram of psilocybin. Its all fun and games when one reads trip reports, but when its happening to you...  Oh man

Edited April 27, 2018 by molosku

[Leo Gura]

12 minutes ago, molosku said:

what about your regular old n, n DMT?  Any experiences with that?

I've held off on trying it.

Taking my time to get to it.

I want to focus on awakening first before I do more exploratory stuff. I will do N,N-DMT and other exotic psychedelics later.

[Arkandeus]

2 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

No, I've probably only scratched the surface of how deep the insanity goes. I don't really care to ever experience it again. Which is why I stay away from mushrooms.

McKenna had some mushroom trips that were supposedly so terrifying he never took them again.

I'd stick to AL-LAD or 1P-LSD. I think if you play around with mushrooms long enough, they will scare the shit out of you and probably sour your whole attitude towards psychedelics.

 very interesting, I stopped all psychedelics as well after my last ayahuasca trip a few months ago.

It felt like I was on the edge of reality as I know it, almost slipping out, whatever it was, I knew that it was time to hang up the phone once and for all, at least for the next decade

 

Edited April 27, 2018 by Arkandeus

[phoenix666]

53 minutes ago, molosku said:

There is no end to the horror and insanity that potentiates inside every milligram of psilocybin. Its all fun and games when one reads trip reports, but when its happening to you...  

yeah, that striking difference between getting something conceptually and actually living it, going through the actual experience. I feel like shrooms are that kind of teacher that just gets hold onto the devil inside of me and smashes it in my face with no mercy

 

18 minutes ago, Arkandeus said:

It felt like I was on the edge of reality as I know it, almost slipping out

know that slippery slope.. just falling through the ground endless times..

[Arkandeus]

42 minutes ago, phoenix666 said:

yeah, that striking difference between getting something conceptually and actually living it, going through the actual experience. I feel like shrooms are that kind of teacher that just gets hold onto the devil inside of me and smashes it in my face with no mercy

 

know that slippery slope.. just falling through the ground endless times..

for me it felt like I had this volcanic activity inside me, like I was charged with this volatile raging energy, my heart chakra erupting painfully, I felt like an alien predator, the energy was just pure alien wildness

Edited April 27, 2018 by Arkandeus

[LiakosN]

For me the 1,8 grams of golden teachers were healing. The next time I'll do them I'll try 2 grams. My mind still needs time to interpret all the lessons learned by them. Chronic anxiety almost gone. I've heard that McKenna once said that if you trip 3 times per year it's hardcore ?

[LiakosN]

I understood that have A LOT of fears as well.

[Leo Gura]

That's just cause you guys are taking the wrong substances in the wrong ways.

What trippers do not realize is how important the substance is. They trip on the wrong psychedelics in the wrong ways, gets some bad trips, and take that as a message to hang up the phone.

When you're tripping the right way, you won't be told to hang up the phone for 100+ trips. There is too much wisdom there to hang up on. The hang up happens because the mind isn't ready to handle it, and went too deep too fast.

When I hear someone saying they took 5 trips and got the message to hang up the phone, I laugh. That's like driving 5 miles outside your city and realizing, "Welp, I guess I've seen all the world has offer. Time to head back home."

Tripping requires persistence and patience and exploration of many different substances to find the right ones.

[egoless]

@Leo Gura Do you think 5MEO and LSD are harder than shrooms? I mean which is more frightening and uncontrollable?

Edited April 27, 2018 by egoless

[Leo Gura]

@egoless I think shrooms have the highest potentially for hairy trips. Although LSD can also get pretty hairy if you're not careful.

For me, 5-MeO is always positive unless I don't do it on an empty stomach. Oddly, small doses tend to produce nausea for me more than larger doses. 22-25mg is the sweet spot. Lower doses can feel wonky without the full breakthrough.

But everyone is different. People can definitely get into bad trips with 5-MeO if they don't know what they're getting into.

One man's Infinity is another man's hell.

I always treat each trip with mild trepidation and great care, like handling a loaded gun. I think as soon as you get cocky, it's like you're asking for a bad trip, and you will get one.

[egoless]

@Leo Gura I have had very powerful breakthroughs on very small doses of shrooms. While most people I have asked never experienced anything like that even on the very high doses. What was the reason do you think? It seems like shrooms are taking you wherever and whatever you are ready to see.

[Girzo]

5 hours ago, phoenix666 said:

I also did an internship in a psychiatric clinic, which touched me deeply. but it has also scared me away.. it pained me to see that dehumanized, heart- and compassionless mental health care system which still dominates the field.

Are you familiar with work of Oliver Sacks? He connected neurobiology with humanistic approach and wrote many brilliant books. I think you might like them. If you don't have time for reading more books now, you can always check out a movie based on one of his books titled "Awakenings".

He is a very inspiring guy who at some point of his career was taking psychedelic drugs to better understand his patients. His autobiography is of great value if one is searching for a life purpose or inspiration.