Kundalini awakening after mental illness? Identity issues

[Nadosa]

Hi,

I have been struggling with mind, identity and ego problems for some time now. At the moment I am in a critical place again. It is that the ego cant live anymore and I identify with that. Dont question why there are these patterns, I dont know. They arose first when I suffered from Depression after Depersonalization. These patterns make me believe that there is no way I can live anymore and when they are there it is really hard to push through as there is not really a healthy picture of myself in my mind anymore. When the feelings and the thoughts are there, I am confused and I dont know what I really want. This very, very dark part of me has been created over the last few months. It happened over one week in August, when I thought about "time is crazy" and that I somehow cant exist in this "concept of time". It felt like: Ok my mind says that I cant live in "time" anymore, lets just dive in then and see if it is right. 

Since that week, time is triggering these feelings and thoughts of "do I really exist?" and then it feels like I am not supposed to be alive anymore. And I know this is strange, if anyone asks if this is psychotic or so, no, I am aware that this is strange.

When I am in a critical place like that, fully in my mind, dont know if I should still live, my eyes turn red, I look drained and tired and feel incredible suffering. Sometimes I feel like, yes I am a lost case, with fucking 19 years, youll never get out of that, because you always look back to that day when your mind declared "time" to be something strange. Then when I recall these feelings I felt that week in August, I feel like "how the fuck are you still alive" and that I am not supposed to be alive anymore. I dont know how to describe these feelings.

What I am suffering is not something like a normal "mental illness", it is a really strange obsession with time, identity, my existence, very deep rooted. It cant be treated like my Depersonalisation or Anxiety by just "live on and dont give a fuck". At the moment I feel like there is no healthy ego in me, no healthy picture of me which is able to outweigh that  "I" in my mind. I dont have a healthy connection to me anymore.

I describe what it looks like: I get the thoughts or feeling with that intepretation above, it freezes me, I feel like a huge wave of energy runs through my body, shattering the answer to the question "Who am I?". Then I project myself in the future seeing "myself" and then the cycle goes on, and it goes deeper and deeper. It feels like I am not supposed to live because my mind doesnt want me to live.

Then sometimes, I can label this part of my mind as 'evil' and leave it with the words "i dont want to die'. But it never goes away completely.

I am 19 and it feels like...god damn, Ive lost "myself" these last months, how did I survive that? My mind argues with "I couldnt survive it", but I am somehow still alive and that is an issue in my mind and that destroys me. These patterns make me feel like I am not supposed to be alive although deep inside I do want to live, but how the fuck with this broken self-image? I CANT IMAGINE MYSELF EVEN HAVE KIDS OR WORK because I believe my mind is broken, myself, everything of my person, I am not this body, I am nothing, I am not depersonalized, but somehow brainwashed as fuck. Am I psychotic? What the hell. Pls help me.

How will I ever be able to leave this part alone? It feels like it wont go away, ever, because it is kept alive by my mind and I cant destroy my mind or stop it. I am a thinking human being. So I cant heal it as long as I am thinking.

Edited April 26, 2018 by Nadosa

[Guest Quanty]

Make Breath first priority in life. Identify only with the sound of exhalation and listen the background sound of your ears at the base of the spine 1st chakra and at the 5th chakra and after a while you will be able to resonate in the whole body. To do it easier, squat position while you move the attention in this priority: 1 exhalation/nirvana, 2 red, 3 blue, etc. 

[cirkussmile]

Hey man. First things first. Everything is alright, there is nothing wrong with you.

Now we can continue. Who is who and who is talking to who? Why shouldn't you excist? You do it no matter if you believe it or not. Maybe you shouldn't but please describe what the hell all this is? Does it go away if you think about it? Does it go away if you don't think about it? 

It seems like whatever your opinion is. This is still here. And so are you. Can you find something wrong with that? 

From experience I also went through insanity and death. Sometimes they seem to be a part of the journey. Remember that everything will change. Calm down and see how long this last. Meditation will be of great benefit of you can do that without expecting something in return.

If all this fails just give up and see what happens.

Much love ?

[Nahm]

@Nadosa Nothing is wrong with you. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. This is the rubber band being pulled back, stick around, when this thing turns around (and it will), you’re going to experience a life better than anything you can presently imagine.  You just don’t realize you are choosing how you look at things. Specifically, you’re unaware of how you think of your self. Your level of being “right” and your stubbornness is at Jedi Master. Master how you chose to look at things instead. I was in the same exact place when I was 19. I lost my mind. Literally could not remember my first name. You will be all the better for having experienced these depths. You’ll be in a world where everyone is afraid. But you won’t be, because you made it through this. This, will make you who you are. You will be fearless. You’ll laugh at fear while people around you are crying like babies and shitting their pants. 

 

In the limitless, there are no answers, because there are no questions. In the finite, we create the questions without realizing it, and therefore seek answers that we never needed an answer to, to begin with. 

Everyone does this - they state that which their question arises from, and they say “I know it’s not this, so don’t ask about it”, revealing they are already aware of the answer, but struggling to realize it, to face it.

“Dont question why there are these patterns, I dont know” - You reveal that you do know, and that you are choosing these patterns.

Can you give some background info to help us help you...

What were the last few books you read, to reshape your views?

What does your daily meditation look like? 

What does your diet look like?

What does your daily exercise look like?

What is relevant from your past? .... Moved a lot, trauma, reoccurring traumas, financial insecurity / suffering, etc? 

 

[Nadosa]

Last books: the mind of the buddha, now by tolle, and another acceptance book.

Thing is, why do I feel like I cant live when the dark part of me is in the drivers seat? Why do I have such a dark part? Why does it feel like I have to "die" to satisfy my mind? Why do I feel like I am supposed to die? Why havent I been able to shake off these feelings for the last few months? Why do I deserve this? I feel like logically this body shouldnt be here anymore, because my mind created an irrational, insane habit that I dont want to live.

Before this all started, I only dealt with Depersonalisation and Derealisation for 6 months, irrational thoughts about time, the world, me...kept haunting me until I felt like I would continue to live against "the will of time" and somehow outsmarted smth, my destiny? I kept ruminating about the time, calendar, month, until I felt trapped in time, in my mind. It was absolutely terrible. And now I stand here, I dont know if I still exist, who I am, that "I" potentially cant exist in this psychological time, something was ripped apart in my mind back then, "I" feel like I am not this body, even had strange thoughts about "my organs are maybe not real", and feel overall so damn insane. 

No meditation. I am the hell scared of sitting with me. I am so scared that the dark part will take over. It feels like meditation wont function because, as I said, I have a belief that I outsmarted smth, power of destiny, concept of time and now just a small part of what I have been back then still somehow exists. I dont know. I am confused. Hard to find words for it. It is a struggle and you really see in my face that I struggle. Struggling with thoughts no one of my friends or people in my age deals with. 

Diet, nothing special, I only drink water and eat what is cooked, such as pizza, rice, chicken, but everything healthy and in a healthy dosage.

I dont work out, just everyday some ego pushups and curls. The only time I feel normal is if I achieve something, when I like myself, how I look or so. But that never lasts long, till I go back to "how am I still here?".

DPDR totally ruined my rational mind!

Important: When I imagine now that DPDR will hit me again, I feel like thats it, I wouldnt be able to handle it. Because when I had Anxiety and Depersonalisation Ive been like way more confident, connected to my healthy, hoping self behind these thoughts. NOW THIS SELF DISAPPEARED (disappeared in time, or so, I dont know, there is nothing anymore, just me being aware of smth, then I become aware that I am formless because me as a form wouldnt have been able to survive this, Id have killed myself maybe, but THIS ISSUE PROVES THAT I AM JUST FUCKING CONSCIOUSNESS WHICH MAKES ME SUFFERING SO BAD) WHAT MAKES THE STRUGGLE A LOT OF HARDER THAN BACK THEN.

 

Edited April 27, 2018 by Nadosa

[nightrider1435]

I just want to say to remember to pull back and just breathe, it can help prevent your mind from spiraling out of control. The mind likes to delude you into making it all seem worse than it really is, you can see this for yourself. Now I don't know you, but your situation is probably not as bad as your making it out to be. Your only 19, life goes on and can get better. The fact that your going through this indicates that your're a strong individual.  Speaking from the big picture, there is probably good times ahead of you, just have to pass through the dark first.

[Nadosa]

Push. I really need more help. It is that these thoughts and interpretations cause trouble. They tell me that I should not be alive, and now I dont know who this "I" is. Is it my body, face, what is it? It makes my body burn, my mind is raging.

Edited April 28, 2018 by Nadosa

[Ranz Kafka]

@Nadosa

first of all:

http://www.senev.de/branchenverzeichnis/wpbdp_category/therapeutinnen here is a list of therapists who are familiar with spiritual crisis. dont worry they will not stuff medicine down your throat. it is always better to get some additional help.

 

2. I was in a very similar, probably the exact same phase as you and I can tell you: 

those thoughts are not the truth. right now you are experiencing emotions that were buried deep in your unconcious and are now bubbling up. it is hard, but it is a great opportunity to process them. 

-shift your focus from thinking to FEELING as often as possible. get into your body! feel your feet on the ground. feel your breath.

-do this body scan several times a day: https://youtu.be/0Kwx9_mx3WA 

-notice, how the struggling feelings literally "swim" in your upper body (belly to throat) and explore them! feel inside. this gives you distance because it is just feelings. you can allow them without acting them out...because you can't act out feelings. you have to give them the space to bubble up. the only thing that is causing you the real suffering is that you are trying to not feel them. 

-"some pushups" are not enough. go for a run! 20 min every day until it gets better, then every other day. also daily yoga or qi gong (via youtube)! in acute phases it is really helpful to spend hours on the floor! and the rest of the time walking in nature.

 

 

breathe deep. you will make it. you are in a phase that a lot of people had to go through. you can too!:)

PS: hit me up if you need more recourses (books, yogalinks etc.)