Feel like I might be doing meditation wrong and its making me worse off?

[BestSelf]

Hey guys,

So I have meditated on and off for a few years with little to show in the way of results, so i finally got serious and committed to starting a daily meditation practice 60 days ago. I have stuck to it all of the 60 days. I do a breath awareness meditation for 10-15 minutes in the morning and night, and 1 do nothing and or strong sit meditation mid day. I also started doing other self help practices like daily cold showers, visualization, gratitude list, and cut out addictions like weekend alcohol binges, netflix/tv, and cut WAY down on phone use/ social media. During this period I have been WAY more productive and am taking big steps towards making my life purpose my full blown career. 

 

Also during this time though I have noticed I am progressively struggling more and more with meditation as time goes on. During the first week or two of all these new practices i got into a more flow like state for a few days and it felt awesome. One of my big problems has always been being too stuck in my head and it felt so freeing to be more in the moment and able to freely express myself. It was like a big burden was temperately lifted from me. This only lasted a few days however. Once i was conscious of this new state fear crept in because it was new and unfamiliar to me which made me lose it. I have never gotten back to it and it has seemed like ever since then I have progressively struggled  with meditation. Every session I am questioning whether I am doing it right or "in the moment". I try to remind myself to stop judging it and just observe but im having a hard time not doing it.I try to just focus on my breath or let go as in the do nothing meditation but these thoughts just keep arising.  Its got to the point where now a big part of my day im all anxious about if im in the moment or not while just going around in every day life. Im afraid im both wrongly doing these meditations and the act of wrongly doing it is negatively affecting my neural pathways and making me all fd up in every day life, having dumb thoughts like "am i in the moment" and "i cant stay in the present" and an accompanying tight, burning  feeling in my chest on and off all day. I have watched leos "dark side of meditation" video, but did not see anything specifically like this mentioned in there. Also I realize those are just possible side effects of CORRECTLY meditating while i feel like these may be from INCORRECTLY doing it. I dont know, maybe im just overthinking things and should just continue on and do my best. Its just frusterating though always wondering if im doing it right nor not.  Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[I Infinity]

Hey BestSelf,

Think you should try giving it a break.

Assuming you started these meditation practices without any professional guidance. As you are giving your practice lot of your time and effort, you should immediately see an expert meditation guide or join any such renowned institute and discuss your problem and follow their advice.

Let us know what happens next.

Hoping for your happy and successful life. Best of Luck!

[molosku]

I would not recommend a break. Your anxiety is related to you overthinking, overachieving over grasping mind. 

You are always present, always in the now and that you cannot escape as that is what you are. What can happen however, is that you have a mind, and that mind is constantly commenting things, connecting dots and and doing its mind stuff and that is all great, one should appreciate the mind, not demonize it. 

Your mind is going crazy because you have lots of resistance. In your mind you have an idea of the present moment and how it is supposed to feel like and you are trying to live up to it.

So doing that, you are actually resisting the actual present moment. There are certain properties that your mind assigns to the concept of the now, one of them is probably that there are no thoughts in the present moment and another might be that being in the now is supposed to be peacefull. The now is what it is, and what ever is in it when it is itself. 

So when you are sitting, you start a practise of resistance and acceptance. To be more accurate, there is ONLY resistance because acceptance always implies something to be favored instead of something else.

What ever moment happens in between thoughts you accept (or subtly feel "yes yes yes more of this!  How do i keep it?") , and other things you resist. What I invite you to do is practise do nothing meditation, but I would rename it uniquely to you as "not giving a fuck meditation" 

Sit down, what ever happens, let it happen. Monkeymind, no-mind, concentration, distraction, results, no results, peace, war, whatever. Just sit and be. 

Now comes the fun part. 

Your mind will say "sounds great, how do I do being?"  

And the answer is you dont! If you notice your mind trying to grasp being, you just notice and dont do anything. Then, as you over time practise, you will naturally start to experience peace, because it comes to you, you dont go to it. 

"Meditation is consciousness saying yes to all experience" - Rubert Spira

Edited April 26, 2018 by molosku

[NoSelfSelf]

You are doing too much too soon its not a race...focus on few things and when struggle comes up thats the point of meditation(one of) just be with it not trying to make it stop...

[I Infinity]

Hello again BestSelf,

After seeing the reply from @molosku , I am reconsidering my advice of taking a break. I'm not an expert but I'm still sticked to the suggestion of seeing an expert or joining some meditation institute ASAP.

 

[B_Naz]

I wouldn't take a break. I would try and push through this anxiety that you have. It is the same thing that is happening to me currently. One of my first posts on this forum was an experiment where I try and not think for a whole week. So meaning I was in complete awareness, and whenever a thought occurred, I would completely shut it down and let it go. Quite a rough practise but it was just to explore the mind and stuff, just personal experiments I wanted to do. I wouldn't recommend anything like this, this is just exploring "myself".

The title of my post was literally "Being is uncomfortable". I've experienced only a small aspect of what you're trying to achieved and the feelings it weights on you. As @molosku said, your mind is completely resistance this behaviour. It happens to all of us. Happened to me. But always remind yourself that uncomfortable occurance is normal. Just go with it. Be with it. Be in the present, observe why are you uncomfortable, observe what the ego is actually doing, blah blah blah.

Once you accept you are uncomfortable and overthink, you can change!

The most important advice I could give is that this anxiety will go. It will disappear, and you will finally become relieved from the overthinking, because once enough time has passed, your mind rewires itself, and the anxiety goes! 

Keep at it. If it does however get too real, scary and even hard to a point where you want to quit, then stop and go to a less extreme habit and build up to it. (So like focus on one stuff).

[BestSelf]

Hey everyone, REALLY appreciate all the feedback! Definitely makes me feel a bit  better!

 

@molosku  That was a very insightful post! So after I Infinitys suggestion last night of ceasing meditation for the moment(I see you now have taken that suggestion back though) I noticed some immediate relief from the anxiety ive been feeling. I felt a lot more unburned this morning having NOT meditated. Having just read your post though it seems like my resistance and anxiety is a normal thing to experience and I should keep going and just try to allow whatever happens to happen, whatever thought patterns or loops or anxiety to just happen, and it will eventually subside with time. I like your idea of renaming the do nothing to not giving a fuck meditation. I think coming at it from that perspective may help me out. What would you suggest as far as daily time frame of doing this meditation/ frequency? Also what are your thoughts on seeking out a local meditation teacher as i infinity suggested? I found a TM center with many good reviews in my area and would be willing to give it a shot if you guys think that would benefit me.

Once again thanks for all the replies and help! Really appreciate it guys!

[Widdle Puppy]

I've had a similar experience. Actually I went through a phase where I felt the meditation was bad for me and amplifying my negative experience. I came back to it a few months later when I was in a better space , did it again, and felt like this second try with the break was incredible beneficial but guess what happened? I stopped meditating again... I'm now back on a new habit not missing any days. Some days it feels like I get nothing accomplished and like my body turns to stone and my mind goes wild. Other days I feel more at peace. I think our internal experiences in life, especially when we are still inexperienced in self mastery and doing enlightenment work, are like the weather. There will be periods where it is cold and periods where it's warm.

Don't over think the meditation my guy. Maybe look at some more theory, refresh your notes, and continue on. I do not think you should stop meditating though. If you do though that's okay and there is something to be learned from that as well but try to be as wise as possible and look towards the most rational and logical advice, sometimes the wisdom and mistakes of others you can learn from without have to making the mistakes yourself....  don't stop meditating. 

[molosku]

@BestSelf

Glad I could help  Meditate every day. Dont beat yourself up if you miss a day here and there, you can always practise doing the dishes-zen, going to work-zen, eating-zen etc. Gradually increase your meditation duration, something like 1 minute increase a day will very quickly add up. Dont try to stretch your homeostasis too quickly, it will bounce you back surely if you try. 

In my practise, I usually experience most peacefullness around 20-40 minute mark, after that it starts to fade into strong determination sitting, that is more intense and challenging, eventhough I still place no expectations on my mindstate. SDT is about frying the the monkey mind, it really hurts lol 

Find a teacher if that is what your instinct tells you, its your path after all. 

So give what I suggested a shot. If you do and it works, you probably will eventually gravitate towards practising other techniques also that are a bit more concentration orientated, like vipassana or zazen.