Girlfriend With Depression

[Damir Elezi]

Hey guys, I hope you can help me with this one because it kind of became more and more of a problem for me.

So my girlfriend, who I have been together with for 8 months now, is suffering from depression since she was around 13-14 (She is 19 now). She has been in a psychiatry for half a year because she cut her wrists and tried to kill herself several times. Reasons for all that were that she wasn't treated well and was sometimes even abused by her parents as a child and at the time she was 13, she didn't really have friends and got picked on a lot at school. Today, she still visits her psychologist every week but she is actually fine, no suicide thoughts and no cutting any more, and of course she was even able to have a relationship with me.

Still the depression has definitely not disappeared from her mind. Every time she has to study for an important test or she has to show some kind of skill in any way she says things like "I can't do it" and "I am too bad", which actually keeps her from even trying. She thinks she is too fat (not just to show off but she actually feels bad after she eats a little more, although she is pretty skinny and sporty), and she always puts the needs of others in front of her own. Until now I was able to help her with these issues pretty well I think, because I gave her love, talked to her, tried to inspire her and it worked. She really became less depressive and more confident in general. The problem is that our college finals (or something like that, the school system is different in Germany, don't know how to explain it) are coming up and she is extremely stressed. She says that she can not do anything, can not achieve anything in life and even that she is not worthy to be loved or cared for, because she is a failure.

Don't get me wrong, it sounds like she only bitches around and most of you guys will probably tell me to break up, but I only told you the bad sides. Most of the time she is an incredibly nice, beautiful and fun girl and she really enriched my life and my personal development as well. I feel that she has incredible potential to reach pretty big goals. She is intelligent and caring and if you go by the model of spiral dynamics, I would consider her on a higher stage than me. I really respect her and I feel that she can teach me a lot. The problem is that the depression acts like cancer in her mind, sometimes getting stronger and disabling any rational thought when she gets a bit nervous. It literally keeps her from being the great person she could be.

I am not asking you to tell me how you can fight depression because I know there are psychologists for that and that it will probably still take a lot of time. This whole thing was actually not that much of an issue but with all the school stuff going on it gets worse and worse and I spend much energy trying to talk to her in these moments. Do you have any advice for me? What can I do or say to strengthen her self-esteem? Are there any meditation techniques or other exercises for happiness and being satisfied with what you have instead of grieving about things you think you can not do? Should I go on trying to help her or do you think it takes too much of my energy?

Sorry for the long post, but wanted to explain this stuff in detail. Thank you in advance.  

 

[xXxXx]

Hey dude,

If her depression affects her ability to study too much, i would consider talking to the school-counselor.. i had a similar case with a borderline girl i dated in my teens, she psyched out before various tests and got special treatment (another appointment for the test, or at least understanding for her condition).

I can't say if it consumes too much of your energy, you have to examine this for yourself, i would suggest to get her into personal development - facing her thoughts instead of passively suffering from them will help for sure, but beware of the outbreak which will most likely follow when starting meditation or other mind-calming techniques. I admire your loyalty towards her!

[John]

Hey mate,

One meditation I could highly recommend to you would be John Kabat ZInn's Guided Body Scan Meditation. You will have to look it up online, I'm pretty sure it costs money but is relatively inexpensive. (Somewhere around twenty dollars). This acted as an oasis for me during a tough time in my life, maybe it could do the same for you! Also Tara Brach is a great person and resource to have, she has a youtube channel with guided meditations and talks up there.

As far as self esteem is concerned, Nathaniel Brandens 'Six Pillars of Self Esteem' is absolutely crucial. I would highly highly recommend that. 

Hope some of that helps and that you are both getting through this tough time OK.

Cheers,

John.

[Amplituda]

Perhaps Leo can help, can be his specialty so wouldn't hurt to ask. If not find a good extrasensory help or pretty strong psychologist might be with hypnosis skills  who dealt with it before and has a successful record of dealing with it...so look around

[Vlad Ropotica]

http://www.actualized.org/articles/whats-the-worst-that-can-happen

i found this very helpful

Edited April 9, 2016 by Vlad Ropotica

[Leo Gura]

That's a very tough situation. Realistically it will take her years of serious personal development work and therapy to just to start turning that kind of thing around. And the worst part about it is that she has to initiate it herself. You can't force her or even nudge her much.

Techniques are not going to help her much until she decides to take her personal development seriously.

The best you can do is love her more, compliment her more, verbalize your appreciation more, and encourage her without pushing her.

Realistically she has to hit rockbottom before she decides to wake up. Until then, most personal development and therapy efforts will be ineffective.

I had a similar type of girlfriend once. And it was pretty hopeless. You can't help someone who isn't serious about self-mastery. Eventually we broke up. What I learned is that I can't be around people who aren't into self-mastery for long. But that's just me.

[Henri]

Once a gentleman came to a doctor complaining that there was something severely wrong with him. He was hurting all over and was very sad but all the tests came out normal. The doctor said, “There is nothing wrong with you. Go to the circus and watch the clown there. He will make you laugh.” The gentleman said, “Doctor, I am that clown.”

It is one thing to entertain others and be humorous, but quite another to be happy yourself. Happiness does not come by a talent or skills that you develop. Unless you realize who you are, what the nature of consciousness is through your own introspection, happiness remains a far-fetched reality. The spirit of self enquiry in the true sense which leads to meditation is absolutely essential in this quest for happiness. The 6th century Indian philosopher and thinker Adi Shankaracharya has said that it is dispassion towards the ephemeral and connection with the eternal that brings true joy. In fact, he goes further and asks, ”What joy does detachment not bring?” The word for solitude in Sanskrit is ‘ekant’, meaning ‘the end of loneliness’. Loneliness cannot end by changing company, even if it is more sympathetic and understanding. It can only end when you discover your real nature for yourself.

Robin Williams, though he made millions of people laugh, could not end the deep seated loneliness inside him. This shows clearly that only spiritual solace can take you out of despair and misery. External pomp and show, wealth, admiration and adulation are not helpful in dealing with inner discontent. While alive, he made people laugh and in his death, he gave people a message to lift their eyes above the mundane towards something higher. You can bid goodbye to misery by connecting with an altogether different dimension, that I would say is solidified silence, a bolt of bliss and a glimpse of eternity, which is in you as you. You simply have to tap into it.

There is little use in having a machine which you cannot operate without a manual. Spiritual knowledge is like the manual for life. Just like to drive a car, we have to learn how to operate the steering wheel, the clutch, the brake and so on, to move towards stability of the mind, we must know the basic principles about our life force energy. This is the whole science of pranayama. When our prana or life force keeps fluctuating, our mind also goes up and down through the roller coaster of emotions.

One cannot handle the mind from the level of the mind. It is for this reason that although counseling or psychiatry seems to help in the beginning, it is not able to provide a complete cure in the longer term. Just forcing positive thoughts on oneself is not enough and more often than not leads to a relapse. Medication like anti-depressants also seem to help only in the beginning and eventually make the person dependent on them rather than free him/her from the tendency.

This is where knowing the secret of breath can really transform lives. Breathing techniques like Sudarshan Kriya stabilize our life force and consequently the mind. The inner dimension unveiled by the practice of meditation deeply enriches us and its impact slowly spills over to all aspects of life. As prana rises in the body, one starts to feel a transformation as direct experience and not as a forced mental exercise. One starts becoming happier, creative and more in command of their mind and emotions.

Another thing that can be really helpful in coming out of depression is developing an attitude of service. Thinking ‘what can I do for society’, getting involved in a bigger cause shifts the whole focus of life and can take one out of the rut of ‘what about me’. Societies where values of service, sacrifice and community participation are ingrained do not have these issues of depression and suicides. The Sikh community is a great example of this.

Life is a combination of happiness and pain. Pain is inevitable but suffering is optional.Having a broad perspective on life gives you the strength to move forward through painful times. Know that you are very much needed in this world. With all its infinite possibilities, this life is a gift for it can become a fountain of joy and happiness not just for oneself but for many others as well.

[Anlib]

@Leo Gura hi leo, what do you mean by years of therapy? Can't it just take one year? Or why would it take so long? Ive had a couple of ruogh years myself and kind of dysfunctional childhood, not as bad as her tho. But how can it take so long?