Why do I feel so disconnected?

[zoey101]

On the outside, my life seems pretty normal and things honestly couldn't be any better. I have an amazing new job, my husband got a raise at his job, my daughter is growing healthy and happy. I am working on getting more involved at my Church and I am always trying to find things to do with my family to be involved in our community and extended family. So why do I feel like all of these amazing, loving people are so far out of my reach?

I don't have trouble socializing but I feel like I am just talking on auto pilot and watching from a foot away... My husband and daughter end up suffering the most for it. I come home from work and tell myself "okay, you're gonna engage!" and I try so hard to stay upbeat and listen, but I can't focus and I find my hearing going in and out, not physically, just that I only can catch parts of what is being said and I try to fill in the blanks myself to not be rude.. but my husband notices and I know it hurts him... My daughter is only 2 but she is such a mommy's girl. I love her so much and adore when she is so excited to see me, but just like with my husband, I lose the energy almost instantly and I feel like I'm gonna suffocate if she climbs all over me again...

I don't like feeling this way... I know I love all of these people and I want to have a strong bond with everyone, like I did in the past, but I don't know what changed.. I just can't find the internal motivation to connect with these people anymore, no matter how desperate I am to.. What is wrong with me?

I don't really know how to explain it.. and it sounds so crazy to me as I reread what I am typing... but this insanity is how I feel in my head everyday.. I can't figure out what to do.. and I am scared I will permanently hurt my family if I don't fix it...

[Ether]

 

[Toby]

Some people have things like you describe more than others but in general what you describe are classical trauma symptoms.

Books that might help:
https://www.amazon.com/dp/1556439431/
https://www.amazon.com/dp/159179658X/
https://www.amazon.com/dp/1897238401/

[zoey101]

I don't know anything that would have caused me trauma.. I've always been somewhat awkward about social interactions, but I figure that is normal now a days when people prefer screens as their primary form of connecting, but I was able to connect with people on really deep levels. Now, it's like I can still do the conversing part but the connection just doesn't feel there to me.. or maybe it is and I'm just thinking too much on it.. I just don't know anymore..

[Ether]

1 minute ago, zoey101 said:

I don't know anything that would have caused me trauma.. 

Hahaha. Bingo. There you have it. Maybe it was such a painful event, the thought of it caused you so much pain (suffering) that you suppresed it and forgot about it?

[zoey101]

I don't think so.. I mean, I've always had struggles, but who hasn't. I always felt like I came out stronger and closer to the people involved. Homelessness in middle school, drug abuse in high school, even had a time where I thought I wasn't worth too much and just slept around to feel cared for.. But once I made it past all of that and reconnected with my high school sweetheart, I was still able to connect on deep levels with people, especially my husband.. 

[Toby]

There is a lot of things that can lead to trauma. It can happen from conception to three years old where you cannot remember anything. It could happen with things that you don't even connect to it like a surgery or an accident or just some situation that brings some trauma symptoms out that you didn't know you had.

[Toby]

3 minutes ago, zoey101 said:

Homelessness in middle school, drug abuse in high school, even had a time where I thought I wasn't worth too much and just slept around

Probably traumatic for everyone that this happens to even if it is just on an unconscious level.

[zoey101]

I don't know.. I feel like I am well past all of that. I'm way better than all of that now, so why should it bother me now? you know... 

[Toby]

It doesn't matter what caused the trauma. You can deal with trauma symptoms without diving into the story. And what you describe are trauma symptoms imo. But don't my word for it. Educate yourself about it and then decide if you are drawn to do some of the exercises you find e.g. in book 2 & 3. Or maybe you do something else about it.

[zoey101]

Okay I will look into it.. thank you.

[julienw]

Hi Zoey,

I'm very sorry to hear that you're going through this; it sounds like torture!  I'm surprised that nobody yet suggested what I will, and that everybody simply wrote your suffering off as some unremembered, unconscious trauma that occurred while you were an infant...of course that could play a role, and while it may be an important step in identifying some of the sources and how they are still relevant today, clearly in your day-to-day life simply associating your current suffering with some past trauma will not alleviate it for you.  I just don't see how this could be received as practicable and workable advice.  (Not trying to throw shade on the previous posters, it's just that their advice seems a little bit unuseful for you).  I mean it certainly doesn't seem like it's resonating strongly with you, which I completely understand.

Anyway, what I would strongly recommend is 1) start working with a therapist, and 2) start or continue your mindfulness practice, with an especially concentrated focus on self-compassion.  It sounds like you're really beating yourself up over this, and judging and blaming yourself for your disconnectedness.  I promise you: it is not your fault!!  A trained professional psychologist will help you to see this and many many other important factors that are going on that neither I nor anyone on a forum could point out for you.

 

And just remember, pay attention to these feeling as they arise, and notice that you can at least a little bit release some of the disconnectness just by noticing it.  This might free you up a bit to reconnect with your family in the moment, and hopefully will help you to forgive yourself.

 

Best of luck,

Julien

[Toby]

Mindfulness at least plays some role in the books I recommended. Also in the books it is said over and over again to seek professional help if it is too much. Also any good therapist will use some kind of psychoeducation. So I don't see any conflict here... Also, there are tons of workable exercises in the books. And in Peter Levine's work it's exactly about noticing sensation and "pendulate" between "activation" and "resources" ... and releasing things bit by bit.

So you basically say that what I recommended won't help but then you go on and say almost the same.

[zoey101]

Thank you, I'm sorry if I didn't sound receptive... I am listening and looking into it a little. I don't quite understand some of it, but I'm willing to try anything at this point...

[julienw]

I hear you Toby.  I didn't mean to make you feel underappreciated.  But it is true that recommending a book versus giving practical advice are two very different things.  It takes a couple of days to receive the book, and many more to actually read and implement the practices discussed therein.  That also assumes that the person researched the book and bought it.  Words of advice that espouse feeling however take only a couple of seconds for their effectiveness to take root.  Somebody who is in such pain as the OP described needs more specificity and immediacy of advice then "check out this book."  Again, I'm sorry to come off as accusatory and attacking your suggestions, as I do see the value in them as well as relatedness to what I'm saying.  But I am just offering my 2 cents.

Edited April 24, 2018 by julienw

[Toby]

I don't see what's not practical about. One can download most books, audiobooks or DVDs today while one certainly has to wait for an appointment with a therapist.

David Berceli Exercises:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eQkwLrSxd5w (short theoretical explanation)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hTPFbd-5xmE (longer theoretical explanation and short exercise at minute 30 or so)

[zoey101]

Please don't argue... I'm sorry, I didn't mean to post this to upset anyone..

[okulele]

@zoey101 what about grounding? If you feel disconnected from life and people around you, I would guess your awareness of your body is not top notch either. Can you find time and place to walk barefoot outside? Do you interact with nature? If that is not a possibility, try to look into some basic grounding exercises.

The basic one you could do right away is just standing up firmly on your feet (no shoes, no socks). Breathing as if into your feet. Feeling the connection with the ground. Maybe jumping a little and falling flat on the feet. Massaging them etc. Try to get the connection down there.

Hope it helps!

Edited April 24, 2018 by okulele

[zoey101]

Thank you, I don't get too much free time with a full time work week, church, and a baby.. but I will try when I can. 

I'm not used to all these meditation things. I feel like the only time, now, that I feel connected to anything is when I am singing at Church or alone with my thoughts. I feel like I am connected with the music and thoughts and I never have trouble getting really into them.

I don't know how to explain it any other way, but I feel like I just ran out of fuel for my physical connections, but I can connect so easily to other things. 

That probably makes absolutely no sense though....

Edited April 24, 2018 by zoey101

[julienw]

@Toby Sorry dude(tte).  I just didn't perceive it as a very personal response, that's all.  No hate, and hey I could just be overthinking it haha, don't take it personally

Edited April 24, 2018 by julienw