Ugliness - A Haunting Nightmare?

[Biomech]

Hi,

I'm stuck with a problem: my appearance. People often tell me my face looks very unusual (including random strangers in the subway), other people tell me i look like shit,
i have teleangiectasia on my nose (visible blood vessels), which is only one problem besides my big nose.
I'm 28 and haven't found a solution for this problem. I had hard times accepting that i'm not good looking, although i had my
fair share of relationships and sex the successes were mostly achieved due to my status and caring mentality.
I started to study late at the age of 25, so i'm graduating next year.
The other students are mostly younger than me, but also the older ones, including professors, reduce me to my appearance..
Getting a good mark: "no wonder, his looks tell he studies 24/7", getting a bad mark: "no wonder look at him, he's retarded"
If i let them talk, they walk all over me.. If i stand my ground and tear them up verbally: i'm the aggressive prole.
I don't think i'm that hideous, just not average, but maybe i'm just used to my appearance.

It is really fucked up, i'm not touched anymore by the constant bad feedback i get, i go my own way no matter what, but the problem is my future
profession will include client contact and i'm horrified by the idea that i won't get any job, just because my looks aren't enough, i fear
that i don't get a chance to prove my expertise.

My looks destroy every bit of hope and happiness in my life, the times when i forget about it for a while are the happiest,
but social interaction constantly reminds me of it and you can't escape it through isolation - because as human beings we need social situations.
I refuse being triggered by the opinion of others, but it doesn't relieve anything,
being not socially accepted just because your looks don't fit feels like being stuck in a dead-end.

What the fuck can i do about that? Save enough money for a property in the Yukon territory and isolate myself? I mean seriously,
i don't have a clue how i can arrange myself with this haunting nightmare. What would you do?

[ALGUIMAR]

Hello!

It seems like a really deep problem in every level... But you must understand one thing (which I'm sure you already know), judging someone by his/her appearence is shallow and VERY limited. We live in this society unfortunately that limits itself to the surface because it's the first thing we experience about the things or people that surround us.

Nevertheless my humble advice is that you stop worrying about what others say (easy said I know), but just think about it. Do this people know you really? I'm pretty sure that the people that are close to you don't really care about your appearance and love you for who you are. Learn to do that too with yourself and proof them wrong. Don't let a judgment from another person limit you.

If you react to their judgments you will just make them stronger... Don't let it affect you, love yourself and slowly you will appear in the external world as the awesome human being you are. 

I really really hope I was able to drop some insights to your issue  Good luck!

[Nathalie]

@Biomech I'm really impressed by your statement.. You must have done a great deal of way to see it that clearly, didn't you?

Maybe you just miss the final step, maybe you have to love yourself just a little more in order to be able to accept yourself fully,

the average people will follow.. they always do.. if you know what I mean.. It's the reason why they are average : no need to envy them

[Draconis Chaser]

@Biomech

I like this quote from Tyrion Lannister to Jon Snow in "Game of Thrones": 

“Don’t call me Lord Snow.”
The dwarf lifted an eyebrow. “Would you rather be called the Imp? Let them see that their words can cut you and you’ll never be free of the mockery. If they want to give you a name take it make it your own. Then they can’t hurt you with it anymore.” 

If you read the books/seen the show, you'd know that Tyrion is the absolute badass, does pretty much what he wants, plays the entire field while being sassy AF, inspite of his past and the way he looks.

This is the real power. To know your limits that are set by the society, to know the limits you set for yourself, embrace them both in your mind and body, swallow them and let them dissolve slowly in the Stomach acid. Use them as food to grow, as your psyche becomes stronger and your mind sharper. 

And when you are stronger than the limits you were caged in, This is what happenes: 

1 hour ago, MartineF said:

the average people will follow.. they always do.. if you know what I mean.. It's the reason why they are average

This is gold right here!

Just think about it for a second: 

Are we really going to let average people (at best) keep us from reaching our full potential? Are we doing personal development for nothing?!  Does all the hard work dissappear as soon as some random average Joe makes a smart-ass remark?!

Bulshit! I call bulshit, sir! 

We are better than that! All of us here on this forum, we did more PD than some people do in a lifetime! And we are deciding to give those exact low consciousness people power over our thoughts and feelings (and ultimately future)?!  Really??

NO. Hell no.

Don't give in to the fear of not being accepted, resist the urge to be a part of a herd! It's a trap! 

That is exactly the reason why the herd existsing the first place - because everyone is afraid to leave it!

One day, when you are successfull, impacting lives, and books about your life are being written, you are going to look back at all the shit you went through, and be proud of whom you have become, while the others will have remained what they have always been.
Average. At best.

 

   

 

[Henri]

@Biomech I can knock you down with rational arguments here, but that`s not going to help...

My suggestion mate; take an integral treatment. 

Take care about your body, your emotions, your feelings, your will, your heart and your soul.

Close to you, in the Black Forrest Germany, there is a wonderful Ashram where you can have it all.

The most incredible Ayur-Vedic treatments you can imagine together with an astonishing cleansing breathing technique. Next to meditation, healthy food and stunning Satsangs it will level you up to a state of happiness and joy. And this together with warm and loving people surrounding you.

After this I`ll bet your question above will no longer exist. (by the way, Ayur-Vedic has some good effects on your disease).

Check it out when you are interested; http://www.artofliving.org/badantogast/welcome-sri-sri-ayurveda

[Nathalie]

@Draconis Chaser My intention wasn't to iniciate a fight (me against the bad others..) rather to achieve a high degree of acceptance of what is

[Draconis Chaser]

@MartineF I'm sorry, but in my experience acceptance doesn't come easy, if at all. 

You can't force anyone into liking you (Which is something I have been trying for years and years, fruitlessly, of course).

You can trick people into liking you, but that would be a fraud that you could pull of only for a while, because that is not something that you really are (tried that, failed miserably).

The only thing you can do really, if you want to be liked by many, is do your own thing. Without paying attention as to what they are saying. 

Let's face it. We live in beauty obsessed society. Acceptance of non-standard is yet to come. 

In the meantime what are we to do? Get them to like us, of course. How? By being everything they aspire to be: self actualized person.

I didn't intend to imply that you need to fight them in any way, just to not let their words get to you and sway you off your course. Because we are better than that.

And this is really the tepping stone to what you are trying to achieve.

Rosa Parks was well loved by a lot of people. Because they loved her, they were ready to rally for her. Ghandi was well loved. Hell, even Hitler was well loved by the people in his day. And he made mass murder an acceptable thing! He was smart. Exactly  what we need to be.

14 hours ago, Biomech said:

being not socially accepted just because your looks don't fit feels like being stuck in a dead-end

This is going to change for you only if people start seeing you as something more than just a person who "looks wierd". When they start seeing who Biomech really is (and I'd say a pretty cool person), they will be able to look past your face and see you for you.

That is when acceptance comes. 

 Hopefully this cleares everything up...
Take care!  

 

[Anna]

I don't believe you are ugly. You are more than your reflection and also: it doesn't matter what other people think of you. Be happy, accept yourself and especially learn to love yourself the way you are.

You should start to think positively, because...

negative thinking -> expecting bad comments on your appearance -> panic / nervousness -> comments come -> you refer everything to your appearance -> feeling sad, hopeless and depressed

Do you know what I mean? Break out! This cycle is destructive.

Maybe this will help:

 

 

 

[Nathalie]

3 hours ago, Draconis Chaser said:

This is going to change for you only if people start seeing you as something more than just a person who "looks wierd". When they start seeing who Biomech really is (and I'd say a pretty cool person), they will be able to look past your face and see you for you.

That is when acceptance comes.

I totally agree with this.. but I don't think you can make other people change, it happens only if you change and in this case, if you feel ugli it's exactly the image you produce to the others. So the way is from inside out, once you accept/love/honnor yourself in a sane manner the rest will follow.

Concretely speaking, if you think you're ugli, you stop caring that much for your body, don't make sports, don't eat vital food maybe you drink alcohol smoke what ever and the things go worse.. In the opposite If you look lovely at yourself (physical, mental or intelectual self) you may easely dicover your strengths and build them.. and maybe find the right salve for a nose if it still be so important..

If you want to be loved, you have to be the very first one to do so.. The paradox is that the more you acknowledge yourself, the less important it becomes what other people think of you. And than the more interesting you get for them (but don't try to fool your mind with a technique, it doesn't work)

[FindingPeace]

18 hours ago, Biomech said:

I had hard times accepting that i'm not good looking, although i had my fair share of relationships and sex the successes were mostly achieved due to my status and caring mentality.

The highlighted text is the bit that really matters. Whether or not you think you are good looking. Aesthetic appearance is fairly superficial. People actually become attracted to people for their personality, beliefs, values and world view. It seems that this is already working for you. Beauty is only part aesthetics but mostly about you as a person. And that is what matters the most.

[Emerald]

Look at people like Steve Buscemi. He isn't an attractive man, but people love his appearance because it is a reflection of his interesting personality. I recommend coming to terms with your unattractiveness by learning to love the way you look. It doesn't mean you have to think you're attractive, but you have to cultivate an appreciation for how you do look. Embrace your character. Think of your unattractiveness as a positive because it is the container of your character and personality. This is easier said than done but it is possible with positive affirmations and looking for positives in your appearance. I have cross-bite and I was insecure and wanted braces when I was 11 or 12. But then I decided that it was good because it added to my character, and decided not to get braces.

[Dhana Choko]

All people can be and are loved. However weird their personality is, how ever crazy they act, how ever they look or feel - someone always loves them...someone always loves us all! Isn't that amazing? We all have 'faults' but I have many times wondered that maybe these 'faults' were given to us in order for us to see how deeply we are loved and how deeply enriching life we can have despite of not being perfect. Maybe it is Universes way to show love to us in a very deep way - nothing we think can ever budge the Loving force that flows in our life.

[Kelley White]

@Biomech, Thank  you so much for having the courage to share  your story. 

I think that this video offers some pragmatic explanations for the condition you have and concrete options. 

I am curious if you are seeing a dermatologist currently? 

There are numerous options for make up tutorials, things you can do to deal with employment.   

Pragmatically speaking it is simply truthful that there is bias in hiring related to appearance; much the same as there can be gender discrimination, and other forms of discrimination in hiring.  It sounds as if you also deal with this well...

On 3/7/2016 at 11:57 AM, Biomech said:

although i had my
fair share of relationships and sex the successes were mostly achieved due to my status and caring mentality.
I started to study late at the age of 25, so i'm graduating next year.

Perhaps more success than you credit yourself with or focus on when it feels more negative or fearfully overwhelming in the moment?   I don't know?  I'm just wondering?

While I agree with many of the other comments that its ideal to not care?  We live on a planet within cultures that are not always as kind in practice as they are in theory.   The employment culture can be one of those cultures.

I hear your pain, your isolation, I regret that people have been so unkind to you.    I understand what its like to live with pain and rejection, or feeling ugly; it can feel utterly hopeless at times like you describe.   It sounds like you really cope with it better than you give yourself credit for perhaps?  I don't know?  Again, I'm asking? 

On 3/7/2016 at 11:57 AM, Biomech said:

I refuse being triggered by the opinion of others, but it doesn't relieve anything,
being not socially accepted just because your looks don't fit feels like being stuck in a dead-end.

Now Byron Katie would take the approach do the turn around; welcome it when people make those statements.  See it for what it is, a reflection of their own harsh judgements of themselves.   There are times as much as I love her, I still struggle with resistance to celebrating certain painful things with the zeal she seems to embrace.   Perhaps why its called the "work"?  LOL @ me.    

Being a bit more pragmatic I would say a balance of radical acceptance of what you cannot change, and treatment/options for what you can. 

I hope this link helps and I would just suggest using google or YouTube and going from there if you want other tutorials or treatment options.

I wish you the best of luck.

 

 

[Andy pandy]

I know how you feel, I sufferd extremely bad acne when I was younger at school was slightly tallish then all peers and my skin was consistantly oily! It was horrible I even say in another class oneday and the teacher said oh my did someone put an iron to your face.

i worked very hard on getting rid of the acne for good also becoming fit I was 14-16 years of age at the time. Over the years I worked on my appearance more then anything going to the gym witch required a healthy diet even down to buying a tanning bed so I didn't have to wear make up to cover acne scars. I know consider myself to be above average in looks and I get chased by girls that didn't even know I existed in the high school days. I recently had a acid trip not that I recommend it it's a bride that I crossed out of the trip I got sense that everyone and everything is all one thing like Corel that's in the ocian it's all connected I then saw everyone but I could see there ego I could see the way the acted (people around me that were not on acid that is) needles to say it was an amazing experience the biggest thing I took from it though that is unfortunately we live in a western society and it's field by people's ego there for my advice it to work on yourself as much as you can gym good food even laser to fix things up that your not to happy about. Don't get me wrong this won't bring happiness maybe for a few weeks or so. But like me I started with my appearance I created what I wanted it's your temple and you can do what you want with it I see my body like a race car I can change things up a bit the benefits this will bring is better self esteem and higher confidence witch will lead to better work and study you will feel more comfortable. After I got laser on my face for acne and got the body I wanted along with the tattoos I am in love with I have this sense of appreciation for what I have! And the hard work paid off now I am focused so hard on self development creating the best life for myself mentally and physically. This isn't a long as message to say change the way you look but if it bothers you that much as it did me I made the change and I would have to say is was an amazing thing I have done! Good luck to you though man and I hope you read this I apologise to everyone that has to put up with my Terrible gramma!

[Jonathan]

Leo posted this video in a forum thread I wondered into the other day. I think it might be of some use now. 

 

 

 

[Elton]

@Biomech who the fuck ddecides who is beautiful and who is not?  The fucking media or the fucking people following the fucking media, true beauty lies on the inside and it can never fade away with time and this beauty can be developed, not by cosmetic but deep psychological work getting rid of neurosis and self acceptance may be the key.. We are still living in an era where there is racism not on colour but on looks and the media is responsible for this because we compare beauty to the superstars who use make up and have a great protien rich diet and great lightings all this at our expense because we feed our egos with this fake beauty... Time to change perspectives and not give our fucking eyeballs to the media!

[Elton]

@Biomech beauty is in the eye of the beer holder!  Lol ? have a nice day.

[vizual]

True beauty is found inside. When you find it and appreciate it your external reality will find the beauty in you as well.

Edited April 15, 2016 by vizual

[Kelley White]

On 3/8/2016 at 7:21 AM, Andy pandy said:

I know how you feel, I suffered extremely bad acne when I was younger at school was slightly tallish then all peers and my skin was consistantly oily! It was horrible I even say in another class one day and the teacher said oh my did someone put an iron to your face.

i worked very hard on getting rid of the acne for good also becoming fit I was 14-16 years of age at the time. Over the years I worked on my appearance more then anything going to the gym witch required a healthy diet even down to buying a tanning bed so I didn't have to wear make up to cover acne scars. I know consider myself to be above average in looks and I get chased by girls that didn't even know I existed in the high school days. I recently had a acid trip not that I recommend it it's a bride that I crossed out of the trip I got sense that everyone and everything is all one thing like Corel that's in the ocian it's all connected I then saw everyone but I could see there ego I could see the way the acted (people around me that were not on acid that is) needles to say it was an amazing experience the biggest thing I took from it though that is unfortunately we live in a western society and it's field by people's ego there for my advice it to work on yourself as much as you can gym good food even laser to fix things up that your not to happy about. Don't get me wrong this won't bring happiness maybe for a few weeks or so. But like me I started with my appearance I created what I wanted it's your temple and you can do what you want with it I see my body like a race car I can change things up a bit the benefits this will bring is better self esteem and higher confidence witch will lead to better work and study you will feel more comfortable. After I got laser on my face for acne and got the body I wanted along with the tattoos I am in love with I have this sense of appreciation for what I have! And the hard work paid off now I am focused so hard on self development creating the best life for myself mentally and physically. This isn't a long as message to say change the way you look but if it bothers you that much as it did me I made the change and I would have to say is was an amazing thing I have done! Good luck to you though man and I hope you read this I apologise to everyone that has to put up with my Terrible gramma!

@Andy pandy, thank you so much for sharing your story.    No need to apologize for grammar your content is very inspirational.   

[Kelley White]

@The Village Idiot, I love Sean Stephenson; another very inspirational person.  Thank you so much for sharing this.