In a nutshell my life..

[Enachescu Dragos]

(Sorry for the bad english )So let me tell you how I got to this hell. From early in my childhood I felt that I didnt belong here. My mother left me at her grandparents until I was 4.She visited me once at 2 weeks.

She was into trial whit my dad for me and I started to hear some horrific stuff adout my dad and my other grandparents from her and her grandparents. My mother grandparents  told me that  my other grandparents wanted to cut me to peaces and throw me to the trash can and in fact they dindt even wanted me to be born.(HOW RETARDED YOU MUST BE TO TELL THIS TO A 4 YEAR OLD KID). The thing is that back then I felt that my dad grandparents were the only one who actualy gave a shit about me.

My childhood was this constant battle to make sense of who loves me and stuff like that.

Fast foward 2 years I m in a new home whit me mother and my stepfather and I start school.

The first 4 years of school were hell I was the bullied kid even the professors were making fun of me.I had no friends .Then my stepbrother and sister apeared.

And I was the  "left behind" kid.All the love was going to my stepbrother and sister and I was just looking and thinking why my parent dont love me the way they love my  brother and sister.

Fast foward another 6 years I was 12 and I had finaly decided to ask my dad grandparents about that shit that  told me back when I was 4. My grandfather almost started crying and he told me the the whole story.In a nutshell he told my that when he found out that my mother was pragnent whit me he knew that my dad and her will not he able to raise me properly and that I will be a kid whit no mother and father.And boy he was right...

I understude back then what he meant and I cound see how he was right...

Fast foward to when I was 16 I had my first girlfriend.It felt amazing only do go south in 1 mounth when I found out that she cheated on my whit one of my only 2 friends.

At school I was doing horrible I was the dumbest kid in the class because I could not do anyting because of the deppesion. And on top on all of this when I went home I will just hear."You are a failure,you will not do  anything whit your life "and all this kind of bullshit.

After 1 week I had my first suicide attempt at 16.It was unsucceful thx god.

Then I found out about Leo.

I started to watch his videos, my life was going  really well,for the first time in my life I was happy.After 2 years I purchases his course.Amazing stuff there.

But then resistance started to kick in and life starded to "happen again to me."

When I found out about elightement I went into deppresion again.Because I realized that all of the stuff I wanted to do were just a distraction from the truth.

I really half-assined enlightenment and almost went into psichosis.

3 years into future and I am here.I discovered that I am a psichopath and  I dont feel anyting for anyone.For example I know that my dad grandparents love me at the logical level but at the emotional level I dont feel anyting is just a void inside myself. The same  is for my mother,father,brother etc.

I m dead inside really and I feel like no one loves me ,so I decided to take LSD and to go deeper on the problem.Bad idea....

The trip was so intense that I think I have ptsd now. It showed me that my biggest fear is to die without loving anyone.It showed me that I must go and satisfy my need for sex and love because I was like.

"Enlightenment is the only thing that matters fuck love and sex".

The trip was like all of my loneliness and paranora and "no one loves you" were X1000.

It was not all just pure hell it helped me overcome  one of my biggest fears. My fear was that I will go crazy from this enlightenment work ,but the trip showed me  that I will not go crazy.

I had changed my life went from a victim to a newbie artist.

The thing is I feel really lonely.

Right now I have friends and a great carrier up ahead but the thing is that I m dead inside. I dont feel anyting and the lsd really fucked me up.

I dont know what to do guys  I don't wanna kill myself but the loneliness does...

I feel like I'm extra in this reality.

Yersteday was my birthday I made 20 years and it was the worst day of this year, I feel lost in life.I feel like no one loves me. I feel like no one undestard me, my frieds call me crazy when I tell them about enlightenment but I dont care. ( I dont understand the truth I just know about it right now) .

This loneliness and the lack of emotions is killing me, for 4 years I'm doing  self-help and right now I feel like I'm at ground zero again. I'm strong guys but I'm tired..

 

 

 

 

 

 

[i am I AM]

You know, on another page I said nothing is set in stone, perhaps not even reality. I believe You could find a spirituality to search for love, real love. You don't need human interaction buthey sometimes provide stimuli potentially shortening your time to reach love that you have been searching for. You must go through the illusion to be one with truth. The truth then feels like an illusion and the illusion feel like truth.

[Enachescu Dragos]

 The thing is the more I do this enlightenment work the more I feel it lead me to psychosis than enlightenment but as I found out actualy some forme of psycosis=enlightenment here is a great video about it.

I need to find a  mentor and a good one.One who can teach me in person.Life is hard af for some people and really easy for others,life is unfair this is a fact.I hope I can find the thuth in all this madness.. Thx for advice buddy you here the only one to respord I really apreciate.

[Jamie Universe]

On ‎4‎/‎22‎/‎2018 at 8:53 AM, Enachescu Dragos said:

"Enlightenment is the only thing that matters fuck love and sex".

You'll learn isn't true, infact Leo doesn't promote killing yourself for the truth through suicide. It can occasionally happen where people will "kill themselves in the name of truth" but this is stupid in my opinion. Realize if anything has "should" or "I need to" in it, that pretty much means its dogma. For example "truth is the only thing that matters, and look how all these silly things distract me!" 

He's also done a video on Maslow's hierarchy of needs. Which describe the need for sex and love, and if your smart you'll realize that working hard towards enlightenment will be hard if your not dealing with these other things in life, and that doesn't always mean "I need to satisfy my sexual need" but you need to deal with it responsibly somehow. 

 

On ‎4‎/‎22‎/‎2018 at 8:53 AM, Enachescu Dragos said:

This loneliness and the lack of emotions is killing me

I also chase emotions, but by practing do-nothing meditation, I've come to realize and accept that you won't always be feeling amazing. Which sounds shitty right? No, just realize that's there's two separate parts to it, you've got 'the need' and also the 'feel good' and your mind meshes those two together making "I need to feel good" but if you change the "I need" part by accepting you won't always feel good, then it will no longer tear you to shreds. that's sort of the theory anyway, but know that 'feeling good' is a material need, or in other words - a thing that exists that I need

 

On ‎4‎/‎22‎/‎2018 at 8:53 AM, Enachescu Dragos said:

I dont feel anyting and the lsd really fucked me up.

man this is just life, I know it probably seems unbearable and shitty, but your only in this life for who knows how long, and if there's a legitimate chance there's a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, and coins along the way, then don't let the rain beat that hard on you that you want to quit. Contemplate, research, ask questions, just think. The rainy may be soggy and miserable, but you'll learn by looking up that its because of the rain, that the rainbow exists. 

 

[Enachescu Dragos]

@Jamie UniverseI'm a little better now.This is what I'm doing right now,I try to make sense of all of this "life"its hard but that is why I had comed here to this forum, because I know here are people like me and we can help each other. Thx for advice right now I will take a break from all the enlightement work and just focus on my relationships and my life purpose.I need to reground myself in something enjoyable before I can continue. Thx for advice buddy.

2 hours ago, Jamie Universe said:

man this is just life, I know it probably seems unbearable and shitty, but your only in this life for who knows how long, and if there's a legitimate chance there's a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, and coins along the way, then don't let the rain beat that hard on you that you want to quit. Contemplate, research, ask questions, just think. The rainy may be soggy and miserable, but you'll learn by looking up that its because of the rain, that the rainbow exists. 

 

 

[Jamie Universe]

@Enachescu Dragos No problem, I believe in you!

[ajasatya]

@Enachescu Dragos embrace loneliness and turn it into solitude.

[Enachescu Dragos]

@Jamie Universe @ajasatyaThx guys the thing is all me motivation went to the trash can this week , any advice/book to read?