The fatal blow to the ego

[zenjen]

I’ve been living in such resistance to what is, every moment, it seems my every action is motivated by trying to push off an inevitable truth.

I’m coming closer to understanding the enormous implications of what I’m doing. I feel like I’m being handed a knife and am now being told to stab myself in the heart. Not the psychical me, but my ego, the story and perception and emotions that have made Jenny for years and years. I feel split in three. There is the first Jenny, who I am actually quite attached to, the second Jenny who truly wants to change, and my highest self which is reality. I think my ego severely fractured when I started to hate myself and I basically ended up creating two. This has created an amazing amount of suffering but has actually served me well in getting closer to the truth in a relatively short time.

“Kill her, do it now!” Reality cries out. It’s been trying to get me to do this all along.

The second part of me responds in agreement. I feel like I’m ready. I really want to end her suffering. I want her to die.

But then I take a good look at her. She’s not all that bad. And I’ve known her for so long I feel very attached to her. I love her in fact, so much that I would consider a life of suffering to keep her safe.

“I love her. Please don’t make me do this. There has to be another way.”

And deep down, I know there isn’t. But I haven’t accepted it yet. I haven’t accepted reality yet.

So I guess the question is, how do you find the courage to surrender your ego when you’re at this point? What do you do when you’ve reached the edge of this cliff and are too afraid to jump into the void? Is there a person on here who can realate? Has anyone delivered the fatal blow to their ego?

[Sahil Pandit]

@zenjen Love the old Jen to death.

[Nahm]

@zenjen You state you are living in resistance to what it is. What happened to make you think reality is serious? Whatever it was, it actually was not your fault. 

Reality is not serious, it’s not even real.  it doesn’t have any properties, you’re projecting all of it. 

 So just let go of doing that. Let  go of that habit.  No more resistance. 

[Leo Gura]

@zenjen Two things:

1) That whole "I am struggling to kill myself... this is so difficult..." is itself a farce. It's the ego over-dramatizing its own death. It's the final form of egotism to overcome. The ego loves to make a big deal out of dying.

2) Tap into love. It conquers all fear. Including the fear of death. When you feel like you cannot go any further, tap into love and let it overtake you. Push, but let go of control.

[Gabriel Antonio]

1 hour ago, zenjen said:

But then I take a good look at her. She’s not all that bad.

Exactly! 

[deci belle]

Kill her. Just do it. Who cares? Do you know? What are you afraid of? Kill her.

Do you want someone else to be blamed?

KILL HER.

[abrakamowse]

I think is a kind of "killing" when you just observe it detached from it, like if it was a spoiled child. IDK, what do you think?

[tsuki]

5 hours ago, zenjen said:

So I guess the question is, how do you find the courage to surrender your ego when you’re at this point? What do you do when you’ve reached the edge of this cliff and are too afraid to jump into the void? Is there a person on here who can realate? Has anyone delivered the fatal blow to their ego?

Breaking yourself is scary. Scariness of it is the whole point!
The old Jenny emerged, because you couldn't handle the chaos without her. You had to frame the chaos in a way that seemed orderly somehow and Jenny is a by-product of that framing. The fear of transcending her is the same fear of the unknown that you tried to conquer in the first place.
Do not let the fear fool you into thinking that you are changing something by transcending her. The chaos you fear is ever-present. You keep Jenny to keep yourself away from facing it. It is a crutch. A crutch that psyche needed to carry on. She is an imaginary friend that your innocence needed to have strength. She may be imaginary, but she is still a friend.

The question is: are you ready to return the crutch? The fear asks it. 
Is the fear overwhelming? Is it bearable? Are you ready to bear it?

You better answer the question honestly, as you now see Jenny for what she is.
Your friend will patiently wait until you are ready and give you every reason to avoid the fear. This is her mission, after all. To be a crutch.

Edited April 21, 2018 by tsuki

[nightrider1435]

5 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

@zenjen Two things:

1) That whole "I am struggling to kill myself... this is so difficult..." is itself a farce. It's the ego over-dramatizing its own death. It's the final form of egotism to overcome. The ego loves to make a big deal out of dying.

2) Tap into love. It conquers all fear. Including the fear of death. When you feel like you cannot go any further, tap into love and let it overtake you. Push, but let go of control.

How would one go about tapping into love? The only thing that comes to mind is Mdma. I've experienced so much ego back lash since breaking serious ground, I'm watching my mind eat itself alive, its exhausting. Ego is making a huge deal out of dieing, its out of my control other than to just be aware of the chaos. You've said once the ego dies you feel a huge sense of relief like why was I so desperately clinging on this entire time, this hasn't happened yet.

 

[phoenix666]

@zenjen I resonate a lot with what you wrote there. you're not alone in this. <3 be gentle with yourself <3

[deci belle]

How else are you going to find out?

It's not philosophy. It's not right and wrong, good or bad. It's not about being nice.

Kill her and find out what happened.

THAT's what it's about.

 

ed note: typo last line

Edited April 21, 2018 by deci belle

[TheDarkSorcerer]

seppuku with the sword of love. 

[ahmad ibdah]

@zenjen Your are deceived by the idea that you can kill your ego by one hit.. It's not like that. Things does not  work like that.. It is a path that you walk through everyday. Pain Happens because you are trying to overcome thoughts without being in the spiritual state that make things clear to you and if you are actually in that state it will be very easy to overcome these thoughts... These thoughts has a trigger and life is full of triggers.

You are anxious.,uncertain, stressed and overwhelmed by false ideas that you allowed to control you.. Then when you try to do consciousness work like meditation it becomes painful as hell because you are so stressed to have a basal level of consciousness that drives consciousness work . It is a vicious circle.

Your path in personal development will not be easy until you become aware of this circle,of the power of thoughts that feed negative emotions. You must not allow yourself to fail in this trap. Just keep calm and ignore everything. Remind yourself of your goal and enjoy what you get from this path ?

[deci belle]

mr ahmad said:

Quote

Your are deceived by the idea that you can kill your ego…

He said in one blow~ YOU CAN'T KILL EGO AT ALL.

That's why I was egging her on.

Ego is your own mind right now— no different than enlightenment.

Next time keep yer clap-trap shut mr ahmad (heehee!!) …spoiled all the fun~

 

[Faceless]

Killing the ego is a movement of thought/ego.

This is the pattern of the self ‘time/thought/ego’ using the movement of ‘time/thought/ego’ to bring about a movement out of time. 

Does this seem possible to you?

Edited April 21, 2018 by Faceless

[Faceless]

Their is no real separation between thought, ego, and ones very effort to end itself. It’s all the same movement of mind/time. So a whole different kind of movement must take place. Do you see this?? 

Investigate for yourself?

Edited April 21, 2018 by Faceless

[Ether]

On 21/04/2018 at 3:51 AM, deci belle said:

Kill her. Just do it. Who cares? Do you know? What are you afraid of? Kill her.

Do you want someone else to be blamed?

KILL HER.

You know how funny this is, read out of context?

[molosku]

So I guess the question is, how do you find the courage to surrender your ego when you’re at this point? What do you do when you’ve reached the edge of this cliff and are too afraid to jump into the void? Is there a person on here who can realate? Has anyone delivered the fatal blow to their ego?

 

What ever your true self is, it's charecteristics must be these:

• being it must be more effortless than anything you have ever done, anything beyond it requires effort
• It must be the most simplest thing there is (you dont have to struggle your way into existence right now, do you?)
• It must be the first thing there is to you

Even if you insist there is an enlightenment to be had, I ask you this: why you insist there is this leap that is so difficult to make? What are you trying to gain? Actualized.org is all about giving you the tools to find out and they have their place, but also ask: what happens if I put all these tools away? What is left? What question is unanswered? What is here? (notice how what I just described is another tool ) Walk the path, but remember to undercut the whole path itself. It's a tasty paradox.

I know Im walking the path of the great fool, and sometimes I can hear faint laughter in the distance, though sometimes it eerily feels like Im the one laughing. Whats up with that 

 

Edited April 23, 2018 by molosku

[Dogsbestfriend]

90% of the time when I'm reading advice from people on this site it sounds like regurgitated babbling. The other 10% makes it worth it, mostly as a reference point to find new sources of information, but I really wonder if people reread what they write on this site sometimes and go 'wtf was I trying to say there'.

I don't see the obsession with having to refer to the process as 'killing' your ego, or ego-death. Why attached a negative connotation to it at all? Prefer to think of it as an evolution or transformation. Or 'dissolving' it if you argue you can't evolve into nothing/everything. Maybe it wouldn't struggle so much if we took a gentler approach, even better not think about it at all - seems like too many people set this as some goal to attain when that probably holds you back more than anything.

Edited April 23, 2018 by Dogsbestfriend
gramar

[zenjen]

Update:

I’ve been doing some inner work and healing for the last few days and am feeling much better right now. To share all that I’ve learned about myself would take too long but I’ll give you part of my conclusion...

Life is a game, and I was obsessed with winning this game. Little did I know it was a game of chance, I have no real control over the outcome. I thought maybe if I just twist my hand or shake the dice a little differently I’ll get what I want, which is dumb and basically pointless. I just need to keep rolling the dice for fun without thinking there’s some prize to be won or lost. Everything is functioning beautifully and perfectly already without having to be controlled by me. 

The hardest pill for me to swallow: I have no control over my suffering or other people’s suffering. Even deeper, I will create it with my every action whether I like it or not. I feel the sadness of other people deeply because I’m very sensitive, and therefore I create it in myself and become very serious about the world. It’s something I still need to work through.

I’m surprised so many people actually replied to this, thanks everyone!