Am I crazy??

[Karin12414]

When I was 12 years old I was raped by my brother who was 17 at the time... We were home alone and just watching TV and he just reached over and started rubbing my leg. It felt weird so I got up and said I was gonna go to bed. He grabbed me by my arm and pulled me back down and attacked me... I didn't know what to think or do.. i didn't even understand what just happened and still don't know why...

He hasn't touched me since then but I can't help but feel my stomach turn anytime he would smile at me... Like nothing happened... 

I'm 18 now and I have been having dreams about it again on and off for the past month... I used to be so scared and wake up shaking in sweat.. but now in my dreams I am very into it and I wake up very aroused... and its been getting worse lately too.. I find myself daydreaming sometimes and then that memory pops into my head and I can't think about anything else...

My brother came over for dinner the other night and sat across from me.. I didn't want to make any eye contact with him but my mom got upset that I didn't say a word to him so I just asked him what was up with him lately and when he started talking to me he was just staring right at me.. But i didn't feel scared... i was turned on again...

What the hell is happening to me? I don't want to think about my brother like that, especially when he did that to me before... but it's like my body is just reacting against me...

What should I do?

[pluto]

You're not crazy there is a lot of emotional energies/traumas that get interwined in sexual encounters especially for women which has to be dealt with or they never go away.

I suggest getting into hypnosis or self/guided-hypnosis/past regression work either with a guide or and daily guided meditation on healing emotional energies and traumas.

You can find many guided meditations on specific healing needs on youtube.

Psychedelics can help too but In your case I would only do them with a professional or someone very experienced with similar situations so they can help you deal with what to bring up during the experience to ask the right questions and heal and make peace with this past event hopefully healing and disconnecting the premature connection that took place when you were 12.

Hope this helps

 

Edited April 22, 2018 by pluto

[abrakamowse]

First of all, you are not crazy. Always remember that the "you" that is created is just a result of a lot of factors, some are unconscious and probably with a shocking experience like you had, they will appear and re surface from deep within you. And you probably don't know why and that's why you are thinking that is something crazy or weird.

One thing that helped me a lot was mindful meditation. It makes you observe your thoughts, as if they are there but they are not "your" thoughts.

You are just the observer of them. When a thought arises, you just observe it and let it go.

This creates a mechanism in you, that in my case it worked really well. Those thoughts that are negative disappeared like magic when I become aware of them. You feel really powerful and in control. Maybe you can try it and then tell us if it worked for you. Leo has a video about mindfulness and the one that I used was from Teal Swan.

 

 

 

Edited April 21, 2018 by abrakamowse

[Barbarian Number 8]

@Karin12414  You should seek professional help with this one.

Allthou the forum people means well and can add value, it takes somebody professional to help you on an ongoing basis over alot of time to sort it out.

The sooner you do this the better.

The loonger "the rot" festers in you, the harder it will be to "remove/remedy" it and it may end up spreading untill it is the definition of you.

Best of luck!

[Karin12414]

I like the meditation suggestions, thank you. I'll look into it.

I can't go to counseling or therapy.. I'm under my parents insurance so they would know and want me to tell them what's wrong. I can't tell them... It would destroy everything...

[abrakamowse]

@Karin12414  Teal Swan suffered a lot of abuse when she was a child, she has a lot of videos about how she overcome them. Take a look at her youtube website. 

She talks a lot about spirit guides and other stuff, I try to focus only in what I think she can be of help, like shadow work, she helps a lot on controlling emotions and things like that. Allan Watts has also great videos, but they are more general about enlightenment.

[Jamie Universe]

@Karin12414 Something similar happened to me (though not as serious) and that friend I just cut out from my life, also considering your brother raped you, I'm guessing that relationship is somewhat toxic, plus I also think the legal age you can live alone is around 18 in the US(depending on where you live though it may be different). And I'm not telling you what to do here, but if its something bad like that, you should definitely consider getting the fuck out of there. getting rid of toxic relationships are really important.

As far as I can tell I don't have anymore past trauma, if your worried about emotional damage though try out meditation, holotrophic/shamanic breathing, and I don't know if this actually helps, but writing out your thoughts honestly is something I did.

I feel its also important to say that sexual attraction doesn't mean love, in this case I see sexual attraction sort of like cocaine. You like it, but look what it does to you, try not to worry to much when you get turned on by something you don't like, just acknowledge for yourself, that the only thing that matters is that you don't want to be with him, and that sometimes your emotions can dumbasses. 

Also something I did, which sounds sort of counter-intuitive, is I accepted those feelings, but that doesn't mean you have to be with him, Infact accepting that your aroused by something as horrible as this, is what typically makes it go away, especially considering that this trauma is what's causing it in the first place.

You can accept these feelings by telling yourself "I hate you and what you did, but I still accept what you did and who you are" and remember accept doesn't mean like. Do-nothing meditation is also really helpful, since its based around accepting everything. And there's also some techniques for accepting strong negative emotions, I'll link videos.

 

[Sri McDonald Trump Maharaj]

No you are not crazy. I don't have any experience of this myself but journaling has helped me to understand difficult experiences from childhood. Therapy can be really useful for this kind of stuff, maybe you could tell your parents that you are going to therapy for anxiety or depression.

[Karin12414]

He just left! What the ****? 

He came over out of nowhere, my parents are out till 6pm. He was asking for dad but he should know they both work...

I told him he had to leave and he pushed me against the wall and kissed me! I couldnt move, I just froze... He pulled off of me and just smiled and left... what is f***ing happening???

I can't f***ing do this!! Why would he f***ing do that?

I can't stop shaking... I feel so disgusting... I felt like I didn't want it to stop... I can't handle this... What should I do... This isn't fair.... I'm freaking the fuck out! I can't do this shit...

[Matt8800]

12 minutes ago, Karin12414 said:

He just left! What the ****? 

He came over out of nowhere, my parents are out till 6pm. He was asking for dad but he should know they both work...

I told him he had to leave and he pushed me against the wall and kissed me! I couldnt move, I just froze... He pulled off of me and just smiled and left... what is f***ing happening???

I can't f***ing do this!! Why would he f***ing do that?

I can't stop shaking... I feel so disgusting... I felt like I didn't want it to stop... I can't handle this... What should I do... This isn't fair.... I'm freaking the fuck out! I can't do this shit...

Why are you trying to keep it a secret? Tell your parents, disown your brother and let the chips fall where they may. If there is fallout, maybe your brother shouldnt have made the decisions he did. That is what a strong woman would do. If you dont feel strong now, fake it until you make it.

[Jamie Universe]

5 hours ago, Karin12414 said:

He just left! What the ****? 

He came over out of nowhere, my parents are out till 6pm. He was asking for dad but he should know they both work...

I told him he had to leave and he pushed me against the wall and kissed me! I couldnt move, I just froze... He pulled off of me and just smiled and left... what is f***ing happening???

I can't f***ing do this!! Why would he f***ing do that?

I can't stop shaking... I feel so disgusting... I felt like I didn't want it to stop... I can't handle this... What should I do... This isn't fair.... I'm freaking the fuck out! I can't do this shit...

@Matt8800 's advice sounds like the better option, but if for whatever reason you can't right now, go to a police station, or at least find a friend or someone you know to stay their and hidden. This is serious, if its unconsentual and you don't like it, then its sexual assault/rape. If there's anyone you can talk to other than the people on this forum, maybe a friend, do it, even if your afraid of there thoughts on you, long-term you'll be happier you said something. 

I can't tell you all the right things to do, but this is some serious shit, you need to take action, stop being a victim and stand up for yourself.

 

Some other advice:

- consider doing a pre-mortem as soon as you can, if your going to confront your brother, will he attack you? Do you know him as an aggressive person? If this is true, tell the police, or don't be in the same room with him alone.

        -  this might scare you, and I'm sorry that it probably will, but if you really feel unsafe, and think it might escalate to the level of arrest and a trial, then (assuming you have an I phone) have the voice memo app recording for your next encounter (or just record with video and your iPhone in your pocket), and make sure you have enough space for it to record, and I'm not an expert at the court system, but just incase, having evidence might be useful, and if its not, you can always delete it. Though having your parents as witnesses might be enough. I'm sorry I know that was some serious shit, but you can only move forward, and as bad as this is, this is what all of self-actualization is about, you run that marathon to finish, and finishing is an awesome feeling. Know that all growth happens when we deal with the stuff that previously hurt us, fear and pain is all apart of the shitty process. I believe you'll make it out of this way better than you were before.

- Don't be afraid to just scream your thoughts out on this forum

 

 

 

6 hours ago, Karin12414 said:

I can't do this shit...

I've had the same exact thought, possibly coming from that same emotionally confusing place that I once was, but you can do this. Because if you can't do this shit, then that means you have to do this shit, because by doing nothing your actually making yourself live that shit life for longer. 

[Karin12414]

I don't know... I just want to sleep and not wake up anymore... My head hurts so bad right now... He's my brother I would be ruining everything he is working towards... I can't think straight... Should I just run away? I don't want to confront him.... I don't want to hurt him... I do love him.. but not this shit... 

 

I can't tell anyone... My friends would see me as some disgusting freak.... 

[abrakamowse]

59 minutes ago, Karin12414 said:

I can't tell anyone... My friends would see me as some disgusting freak.... 

He is the freak, not you Karin

[Jamie Universe]

2 hours ago, Karin12414 said:

He's my brother I would be ruining everything he is working towards

He's your brother that raped you, this is serious, I know action is the hard way out, but long-term its way easier than if you did nothing. You don't have to ruin his whole life by confronting him.

2 hours ago, Karin12414 said:

I don't want to hurt him...

no you don't, but if its gotten to the point of rape for him, then that signals to me some trauma. If he's attacking you for arousement then that says he's desperate, unless he thinks rape is normal. But whatever the case, I can't imagine he's perfectly fine like this. My point is, he's already hurting. This situation is already a mess, your hurting, everything already seems fucked up to me. And there isn't going to be any easy way out.

 

And when you say this

2 hours ago, Karin12414 said:

I don't want to confront him...

I know its fear talking, its toxic, don't you see? Its cocaine, he's cocaine, your love for him comes at the cost of your happiness. And for what? Does he treat you the way you want to be treated? Do you want to be raped? He gives you arousal and fear/hate, throw that out the window, and its replaced by happiness. 

 

If you want the pain to stop, then stop being a victim, Its grossly confusing, but its not going to get better by playing it easy, there's some quote and I don't know who its by but its (and I'm paraphrasing here) "The lazy person works twice as hard as the responsible one".

But look I'm just giving advice, you need to take this into your own hands. If you can't think because your head hurts, good there's your first problem, deal with that and then consider this advice and think for yourself.

[pluto]

Have you tried MDMA assisted psychotherapy?

http://www.maps.org/research/mdma

http://howtousepsychedelics.org/mdma/

I believe it could help

[phoenix666]

you are not crazy. don't be ashamed of yourself, you're doing everything right <3 this is actually quite frequent in victims of sexual abuse. something similar happened to me when I was 15. an older (very, very much older) friend of my family repeatedly abused me. he manipulated me in all kinds of ways. it destroyed me, I went through a hell lot of suffering, until all those memories emerged from my subconscious mind and I started just remembering all of it - and forgiving myself (I also noticed arousal when remembering what he did to me..and it made me so full of shame and self hatred..) ...and even him. this might take a few years, but it's definitively worth it.

what helped me along the way is self development, spiritual work like meditation, yoga, mindfulness, journaling. the most important thing is developing self awareness and complete self-honesty. this doesn't have to involve anyone but yourself - if you don't want (of course, if you want help, reach out to whoever you think could help you) you already did the first and most important step: you became aware oft this, you observed your own emotions and were completely honest with yourself. so honest, you even  had the courage to share your story on this forum. this is great. you're strong <3

write about it, write down how you feel. talk about it. writing and talking about your emotions, journaling and meditation are very useful tools for accepting, letting go and finding self love.

I wish you all the best <3 you're not alone!

[Karin12414]

I dont know what to say... Thank you all for being so supportive... It really does touch my heart... i really do feel safe talking here..

This whole thing is so fucked up.. idk what I did to cause things to be this way... but I just want it to stop.. I want us to be a normal family... But I'm scared he doesn't want that....

I need time before I can see him again... I want to tell him to stop.. I do... But I can't do it after yesterday.... I'm sorry...

[Jamie Universe]

You'll get through this! 

[abrakamowse]

13 hours ago, Karin12414 said:

idk what I did to cause things to be this way...

You didn't do anything. Is not your fault. If you feel strong enough, talk to him and explain that this is not Ok, and if he continues you will have to tell your family. And wait to see what he does, maybe he stop... if he does not stop I think you will have to talk... Just my 2 cents.

Edited April 23, 2018 by abrakamowse

[thehero]

Much love, good luck.