Beginning of relationship bringing up shadow.

[The White Belt]

I've just begun a relationship. It's only 5 days old but we'd been seeing each other a couple of months. I've known her for two years but we weren't close during most of that time.

Since the start of the relationship i've been freaking out a lot. I'm almost ashamed to say that I'm already afraid of her cheating on me, I don't feel like i'm good enough for her, I feel like it will end in disaster, I feel hopelessly insecure.

She's told me the last two people she has been seeing and I know one of them and it hurts to imagine them together even though it was a year ago.

I've told her exactly how I feel which is good. She's sympathetic and says to me that she wants to put me under no pressure. She tells me that she feels for me like she's never felt for anybody else before, and still my mind isn't satisfied. 

I'm doing well not to put any of my insecurity or doubt onto her. I'm keeping her away from it.

The weirdest part of this all is, is that when i'm with her, it all melts away. I feel mostly comfortable and fine.

My plan/philosophy is this: You're just experiencing resistance because you haven't been in a relationship for several years and you don't wanna fuck it up because you like her an awful lot; wait it off. 

I feel like these feelings will subside soon, but i'd like to move them along quicker. Entering a relationship with somebody should be a joy! Not an anxiety trip.

Any advice on how to get these feelings to melt away?

Thanks.

[NoSelfSelf]

Man job is to focus on his mission/purpose this overthinking will only cause what you dont want to happen so dont ask what to do focus on your path not the girl....

[YaNanNallari]

Accept yourself, love yourself. You don't have to hurt yourself by worrying about these things so much. Know that the considerate thing for yourself is a lot more simple, yet beautiful. (Buy booklist and go to emotions)

[aurum]

@The White Belt

You're in classic codependency. Her validation = your self-worth, so if she leaves you your self-worth will be crushed. That's why you're afraid.

The ironic part is that the fear you're experiencing is going to drive you to do things that actually will want to make her leave. You think you're hiding it, but trust me you're not.

One solution is continuing to do self-actualization and working on your insecurities. Another solution is her leaving you, breaking your heart, and  then you realizing that attaching your self-worth to a person's validation is totally fucked. Your choice.

[Ether]

9 hours ago, aurum said:

and  then you realizing that attaching your self-worth to a person's validation is totally fucked. 

Well, its not fucked. Its just an emotion\thought, nothign wrong with it. Actually, judging yourself and your thinking creates EVEN more suffering. I dont mean that you cant work on it tho.

[Charlotte]

On 20/04/2018 at 3:13 AM, aurum said:

@The White Belt

You're in classic codependency. Her validation = your self-worth, so if she leaves you your self-worth will be crushed. That's why you're afraid.

The ironic part is that the fear you're experiencing is going to drive you to do things that actually will want to make her leave. You think you're hiding it, but trust me you're not.

One solution is continuing to do self-actualization and working on your insecurities. Another solution is her leaving you, breaking your heart, and  then you realizing that attaching your self-worth to a person's validation is totally fucked. Your choice.

+1

[Ether]

@Charlotte -1

[aurum]

19 hours ago, Ether said:

Well, its not fucked. Its just an emotion\thought, nothign wrong with it. Actually, judging yourself and your thinking creates EVEN more suffering. I dont mean that you cant work on it tho.

I think we think the same thing but with different words.

[Ether]

@aurum Sure but you said its a "fucked" up feeling. Im saying its not. Its an emotion, it might hurt like hell but its still neutral.

[aurum]

3 minutes ago, Ether said:

@aurum Sure but you said its a "fucked" up feeling. Im saying its not. Its an emotion, it might hurt like hell but its still neutral.

Of course, everything is neutral at the absolute level.

When I said "fucked", that's not a judgemental at all. It's just an observation that if you want to be at peace and not in fear that your relationship is going to crumble any moment, you don't want to tie your self-worth to someone else's validation.

[Arkandeus]

all this darkness was inside of you before this relationship began

see in what a beautiful way and graceful way life has allowed you to make this darkness come out.

the darkness has to be faced,it has to be seen, felt, everything thats hiding inside will have to come so that you can truly enlighten, and we know that in the trenches down there its ugly, its vile, and there are monsters roaming.

yet life has our back, and can purge these in a graceful way, by love , because you care about this girl you are willing to face this darkness, you have to.

but know that its not about her, its about you,those who do not make a habit of facing their darkness while its in its feeling form,will have it shoved in their in a physical way, and sometimes its more fun to face your darkness in a physical form

either way do not be worried about losing the girl, if you worry about losing her you already lost her, things happen now,if you worry its happening,if you can accept the fact that this girl is not a part of your life, thats she's not yours, then a truly relationship begins

not one where one belongs to the other, in such a relationship there is no assurances, no wedding ring will make a woman yours, no though construct will do that

we try to escape from how much we care, the pain of how precious a moment with a loved one is,there is no guarantee thats why it hurts and we want to escape

if you realize she isn't yours and she doesnt belong to you,there is no *relationship*, thats when you will really know how much you love this girl

and love can be hard work

Edited April 22, 2018 by Arkandeus