Workaholic And Burned Out

[Pallero]

I have always been a high achiever, but ten years ago I was still able to relax. Then I became severely depressed and had to put all my time and energy into healing.

After I was healed, I figured "this is working so well. Why don't I make my whole life productive?" I let myself watch TV, but only documentaries or programs I could learn from. I let myself read, but only educational material. I let myself hang out with my friends, but only if we did something educational together.

Soon my whole life was shadowed by the compulsion to be busy, productive and always learning. I never took time off to relax. I even found a way to make my relationship and sex life productive. I came down with the compulsion to push myself out of my comfort zone over and over. I was addicted to everything new, was impatient, moody and extremely stressed.

I was obsessed with self-actualization. I wanted to make myself the best me I could be.

Slowly, the lifestyle took its toll on me. My ability to relax was shrunk to a minimum and no matter what I tried, I just couldn't and even if I could relax for five minutes or so, the guilt was so intense that I had to punish myself for slacking off.

Now I am burned out. I can't get out of bed. I feel like a useless failure. I feel scared all the time, like if I am not peroductive for a while, someone or something will come to "get me", something bad will happen. I have forced myself not to be too productive in order to slow down and it seems to work even though it's really difficult.

Can anyone relate? Do you have any advice?

It's not that I haven't tried anything relaxing. It's that I can't relax! Stuff that worked before, doesn't anymore, because my mind turns everything into achievement. Exercise is achievement. Art is achievement. Writing, meditation, reading are achievements.

And if I try to do something that isn't productive and is just relaxing, like drink alcohol, my body and mind rebel against it and won't let me do it, with thoughts like "what are you doing? This is boring! Let's do something fun and productive!"

[Jawor]

@Pallero I used to have a similar problem. At that time I would feel guilty when I watched tv for 30 minutes or went out with friends just to hang out and not do anything productive.

It stopped after 1.5-2 years or so, when I got into deep spiritual stuff. And then my answers to simple questions like "what is the purpose of all my work?", "Is it really the life I want to have?" gradually began to change. At this point in my life I'm still working hard towards my goals and my desire is even more authentic. I love working. Also, I love hanging out with others and wasting time. I love everything what happens to me.

The discovery that the world is deterministic was some sort of a breakthrough for me. Have you seen "Free Will vs Determinism - Does Free Will Exist?" by Leo?

It's not about your inability to relax, it's all about mindset. You can work on yourself as hard as you want but you have to know WHY. Your desire must be pure and authentic, and then workaholism won't be a problem anymore.

[Nathalie]

Hi Pallero,

It really seems that your mind is overpowering you. It's a like a severe parent, a persuasive guru, or a dictorial boss in your head which always accompanies you everywhere, isn't it ?

The problem is that your mind battles again itself and so, like playing chess against yourself, so "it" becomes ever stronger.

"Why?"

is a good question but it still be intellectual

"How passionate do I feel about what I'm doing right now?"  (no passion => senseless)

is less conceptual, so no battle. Do only things you feel at least acceptance for, so you can flow with your energy. (hope it makes sense?)

Do you know Adyashanti, Eckhart Tolle, Gangaji?

If not, you could watch some of them videos and observe how you resonate with them.

I would observe my mind while staying aware that no thought is true, you don't have to take them seriously, you can play with them, discuss gently with them or go back to the source and lead them, consciously, to a funny solution.

You know the phrase : Mind is a really good servant but a bad master?

And.. (Adyashanti quote) enjoy yourself

 

 

 

[Ayla]

@Pallero ,

Thank you for sharing. I see this sharing as a first blow to the madness you seem to be experiencing. 

Behind both under and overachievers, there is a core wound of worthlessness. There is a belief in you that says that in order to BE enough, you must BECOME enough through actions on yourself. This creates a pull that has now become so strong, it burnt you out. 

Begin by finding ways in which you are already enough. Sit down and think about it. Laying there in bed, is there anything you can find to be enough about yourself? Anything that you find, keep focusing on that. You need to change your beliefs about this being enough thing, and beliefs, are just thoughts that we keep thinking over and over. That's how they become so overpowering. The only way to dissolve them, is to begin disbelieving them through other thoughts. So focus on how you are already enough. 

This issue also has behind it an energy of comparing: either with others or with previous/future versions of yourself. Awareness and meditation might help with that. Leo just released a video about comparing.  

Think about somebody you love. A pet is good for this  Transfer all the love you have for that pet onto you. Keep focusing on it. 

Last point, When you feel the urge to do something, ask yourself: is this really a joy? Why would I do something that is not joyful? Would I do this to a friend? To a child? 

Keep finding ways of showing love and compassion to yourself. It will shift. 

[Anna]

@Pallero I'm a bit overwhelmed by your story. I literally was about to post the same today. I feel the same and you just described my situation. 

@Ayla Thanks! I guess this will work for me too. I also found the root cause / thought for this chaos in my head. Finally! This helped a lot!

 

[Ayla]

@Anna

[Pallero]

Thank you, everyone, for your kind words.

On 7.3.2016 at 11:01 AM, Ayla said:

There is a belief in you that says that in order to BE enough, you must BECOME enough through actions on yourself.

This is it, the core issue! You have put it exactly right into words. My bottom feeling all the time seems to be worthless, just worthless.

I tried to follow your advice, but I can't find any way that I'd be enough as I am that I'd actually believe. I'll think of a way, but my mind interferes over and over. For example, I think that I'm good enough for my boyfriend and my pets, but I don't believe that. My mind tells me that I am only enough for them if I do enough for them.

I'm at a point where I don't know why I even exist anymore. I feel like a waste of space, now that I'm completely useless. I couldn't take not doing anything for long, so I forced myself to do things, but they made me feel worse.

On 7.3.2016 at 10:22 AM, MartineF said:

It really seems that your mind is overpowering you. It's a like a severe parent, a persuasive guru, or a dictorial boss in your head which always accompanies you everywhere, isn't it ?

Yes, this is exactly how I feel. Except that it feels worse than just a severe parent. I'm reminded of the movie The Cell where the serial killer had a very charming dad. That father character is like a physical manifestation of my mind. If you haven't seen the movie, you can imagine what I'm talking about if I tell you that it's a brutal horror movie and the killer's father didn't exactly love him, if you know what I mean.

Anyway, I'm confused by your passion point. I don't think I've ever done anything because I felt passionate about it. It was made clear to me early on that my number one purpose is to do what others expect of me. So my whole life I have been just guessing, like "I wonder what he or she, or what those people want me to do right now..."

I mean, I must have done something. I just can't think of anything right now and I'm at loss of what passion feels like. My number one sought after feeling is being accepted by others.

On 7.3.2016 at 9:44 AM, Jawor said:

The discovery that the world is deterministic was some sort of a breakthrough for me. Have you seen "Free Will vs Determinism - Does Free Will Exist?" by Leo?

Yes, I watched it, but I didn't really resonate with it. Maybe it's because I studied philosophy for a long time and I know the problem so well that I can't think about it in any other way than philosophically.

I think, what's the difference? So what if the world is deterministic or non-deterministic or something else? What I've found is that it doesn't change anything practically. So what if I think that all my mental problems are predetermined? Does it make me feel better? It makes me feel worse. 'Cause now I don't have any hope of recovery, since I can't do anything about it.

I feel quite bleak right now. I hope that the predetermined universe will turn around for me soon.

[Anna]

How about this one? :

 

 

[Ayla]

50 minutes ago, Pallero said:

I'm at a point where I don't know why I even exist anymore. I feel like a waste of space, now that I'm completely useless. 

Okay, so what if you were completely useless? What would happen? 

 

[Pallero]

2 hours ago, Ayla said:

Okay, so what if you were completely useless? What would happen? 

I got this mental image where everyone I know tell me one by one how useless I am. They take away my passport, because I am useless as a citizen, and I have to leave my country. Then what happens is I travel around the world looking for a new home, but all the countries say they don't want me to live there. For a while, they think what to do with me. Then they tie me to a rocket and shoot me into space.

[Ayla]

20 minutes ago, Pallero said:

I got this mental image where everyone I know tell me one by one how useless I am. They take away my passport, because I am useless as a citizen, and I have to leave my country. Then what happens is I travel around the world looking for a new home, but all the countries say they don't want me to live there. For a while, they think what to do with me. Then they tie me to a rocket and shoot me into space.

ok, what happens once in space? 

[Pallero]

20 minutes ago, Ayla said:

ok, what happens once in space? 

I float there for a while in the worst possible agony I can imagine and then I die of shame.

Isn't that a cheerful picture... Sigh.

[Ayla]

Just now, Pallero said:

 then I die of shame.

What happens after ? What is the feeling ? 

[Pallero]

1 minute ago, Ayla said:

What happens after ? What is the feeling ? 

I don't know. My mind doesn't really bend that far. I'm just really sad for a long time, I guess.

[Ayla]

1 minute ago, Pallero said:

I don't know. My mind doesn't really bend that far. I'm just really sad for a long time, I guess.

Try... Just let yourself float into sadness..... you're already dead anyway... sooo... sit there in it. See where it takes you

[Jawor]

Hmm.. Let me tell you what I really think about it.

It seems to me that you kind of want to have such a problem. Like it makes you fulfilled but sad at the same time. And maybe even deep down you know it. You can't get rid of this problem because.. you want to have this problem. Or in other words, your brain wants to have this problem because due to all the studying of personal development, this problem became an inherent part of your vision of how the life should be.

[Nathalie]

On 11.3.2016 at 9:06 AM, Pallero said:

Anyway, I'm confused by your passion point. I don't think I've ever done anything because I felt passionate about it. It was made clear to me early on that my number one purpose is to do what others expect of me. So my whole life I have been just guessing, like "I wonder what he or she, or what those people want me to do right now..."

I mean, I must have done something. I just can't think of anything right now and I'm at loss of what passion feels like. My number one sought after feeling is being accepted by others.

I wish, no i hope, you change this soon.. Even if your main purpose is that the people around you feel good.. It won't work in the long term if you don't care for yourself first.

[Pallero]

I saw a doctor and I have another appointment with a nurse next Tuesday. They are trying to diagnose me.

I'm on a sick leave from school and I feel quite useless. I told my mom in a text message, but I am too ashaimed to face her.

In the meantime, I was advised to do something "totally ordinary", completely everyday, routine, automatic, familiar stuff. Stuff that would make me feel safe, since because of my traumatic past I am suffering from chronic feelings of the opposite of safe - vulnerability, exposedness, fear of danger of some kind. I'm suffering from this constantly. I'm afraid to fall asleep.

This is rooted in my core belief of being worthless. If I work very very hard, I can maybe get a moment of peace. But now that I don't, I'm constantly scared of punishment. It's not a pleasant state to be in!

I've been trying my best to relax. I have begun to recognize those moments when I go into a frantic frenzy of I'm-so-ahaimed-I-want-to-claw-my-eyes-out. I'm binging on food, but at least I'm binging mindfully.   I can't believe that my eating disorder is raising its head after all these years. The binging is just a substitute for working, like working became a substitute for binging, when I was "cured" from the ED all those years ago.

Problem is, routine has been my enemy for many years, and it's really hard for me to think of anything "totally ordinary". I change my routine so much. I suppose if I had some routine, I wouldn't have this problem in the first place!

I have remembered some of the things from my childhood that made me feel safe and now I'm trying to make myself feel better with tea, books and music from the Swan Lake ballet. It's kind of working, but as I am sinking deeper into my little world of comfort, I feel that I'm not as close with my boyfriend, who I used to give a lot more attention before this whole thing started. This uneasy situation of attention conflict and tea bisquits is driving me nuts!

EDIT. My sense of humor is starting to come back to me. I guess I must be doing something right.

Edited March 18, 2016 by Pallero
important point to add!