165 Days Before College

[Everyday]

I should do more stuff during my free time. I feel i am not productive enough. But i also know i would feel overwhelmed. 

I am finding myself being less and less interested to have a serious relationship with someone. I am not looking forward to dump so much free time in having smth for a few months. I really dont want to be non stop on my phone talking to one girl all day and spending ALL my free time with her. It feels such a waste of time whereas i could improve myself. 

 

I cleaned my room today after hanging out with friends. While i was with them i was too much on Instagram, on my phone. 

 

I had free time tonight and i was afraid i will play minecraft and watch tv series. I wanted to go on a walk just to have smth else to do.

 

I managed to work out 3 times a week. Havent done that in a long time. 

 

The lawyer called me on Friday to tell me that our papers will be ready next Wed. So awesome. We can open a bank account the day after that. Hehe.

 

I am feeling frustrated for not earning more because i dont do better at work. My brother just got twice my salary after just working at an agency doing SEO for 3 months. I feel envious. I could ask for a raise if i knew to do my job much, much better. So learn that! I am 25 almost and still living with my parents. It is ridiculous. I also feel i cant do my job better because of my talking skills. 

 

I decided to do a diction course after all next month. It would be useful in all areas if i spoke better. It is stupid i did 4 years of uni and not even one month of diction or working on other problems. 

Edited August 12, 2023 by Everyday

[Everyday]

Hey

I met again with M on Monday evening. It was fun but just felt awkward and bad that i dont want to be in a relationship with her and not telling her sooner. Anyways, the sex was really good. 

 

 

Went on a date with a very career driven girl, working 2 jobs. She stated on her profile how complicated she is but i ignored that. We meet and she is more traumatized and troubled than i would ever expect. She had worse boyfriends than my ex and on top of that didnt have any friends anymore. She stop seeing her friends after minor mistakes like being late.  She asked if i have any vices, about my friends, red flags and so on.

She was surprised i am finding her complaints about her exes as common sense. Like the things that those guys did where absurd. She had many questions prepared for me as a possible boyfriend. 

I told her that i am tender and that if she is very cold this is a big problem for me. She said she was warm with an ex who was very cold. Interesting. But she said she is usually cold. She moved from sitting next to me because i was touching her hand and leg while talking. She didnt let me to even hold her hand while walking. Her explanation was that holding hands is a thing that only couples do. She underlined that she left exes after one small mistake. OMG. 

All my thoughts said run away but i kept being nice and listening to her crap. I felt like i was all over again with my ex and walking on eggshells fearing she will go nuts anytime. I didnt feel better after seeing her. I felt mentally tired from listening to her bitching about work and everything else. I think she just needed someone to listen to her, not a boyfriend. 

 

I am starting to question myself. I must be the problem for not attracting better girls to date me. I spoke with a cute girl for over a week just to find out today she doesnt even live in the same city as i do. I just thought she does. I explained to her that i am not looking for a long distance relationship and she asked me a few times if i really dont want to keep talking maybe one day we will meet. Definitely not. I am not taking the train to meet with some girl i didnt even seen f2f already. Absolutely not. 

I didnt write to the troubled girl anymore and she didnt write to me. I even worried she will get upset if i wont text her, just like i said about my ex. Horrible. I felt like i was all over again with my ex - same problems and same fake reaction from me.

 

What else?

Told my siblings i dont want a relationship with M because i dont find her attractive. They mentioned how she looks much better than all my exes so far and i have to say they are right in a way. Interesting. This girl is really chill and cool but i just dont see myself with her. I should let her go

I felt more upset on myself for not earning more at work. I am not working hard enough and still complaining about my paycheck. I saw that all jobs in my position make double the amount i do. Made me feel so stupid. I cant even move out because of the amount i earn. Why would a girl want to be with me if i am still living with my parents? Ridiculous.  Man, i really want to make money from this business with my siblings. 

I felt like a failure. A big thing which would make me feel better is to earn more money or change my job. It is not to read some book or walk more or whatever even if these are small things. But i should focus on how do i earn more money and what skills do i need to get before i ask for a raise. 

 

My lack of self respect and low confidence is bleeding in my job and everything else. It is not normal to be nice with girls i dont even want to date anymore - like still messaging her and so on. Also, isnt normal to just be happy i have a job instead of focusing to earn and learn more. I think a big problem is that i live very comfortable - i live with my parents and work is easy right now. This is why i dont try much harder to improve myself. 

I started working out twice a week and i want to go to three times. I really have the time to do so. I can really do more stuff now. 

 

 

I noticed i just feel all the time that i am not doing enough but not doing enough to change it. Maybe i am bothered by all these things because i dont have tv series, movies and minecraft to distract me anymore. I didnt even think about my salary 8 months ago. I was just worried about my stupid degree. Maybe is a good thing that dating new girls is very low right now. I have an opportunity to grow and improve myself. 

I have been feeling this for many years and i dont do much to change it. Maybe these feelings where all along deep inside but i didnt hear them. I didnt pay attention because i was distracting myself a lot with tv series and shit like that. It really worked, too well unfortunately. But this year i did make a difference. I have my own problems i am working to solve. 

I used my degree to put off many of these problems. I said i dont have time and so on just to wake up feeling horrible after a few months and years. Not sure what was i doing last year around this time. I know that i was dating my second GF, i wasnt working out and watching a bunch of tv series. I was lazy at work as well. 

 

I cant believe another year of my life passed and i am turning 25 next month. What did i do? Well, i went hardcore into dating which is good and i learned a lot. I had sex with more girls this year than ever. I finished uni, which was a big goal at the time, i passed another year at my job, i worked out, meditated and quit tv series and movies. In other words i set some foundational work here even if  doesnt seem so right now. Next year will be even better. 

I have 8 months of meditation and exercising. Didnt manage to get here since high school. So even if it doesnt seem wow it is WOW! Also, i wasnt so clean of tv series and movies since high school as well. WOW! Man, i literally drained many years into watching them. Horrible. I am doing better. 

I would like to pause dating for a while because i feel drained. Not sure i will actually do it. I want more experience. 

 

I am really comfortable right now. This is the problem. I am afraid as fuck to even change jobs. I cant comprehend that i can find a similar position to work remote and travel. Now, 2 and a half years later it looks stupid that i didnt quit my job to do erasmus. It is was a dumb move. I spent most of this time just doing enough to not get fired and watching lots of tv series and other crap. Miserable. 

 

In other words, keep up with your routine. I do have some worries now but some things do go well. 

Edited August 15, 2023 by Everyday

[Everyday]

On 8/15/2023 at 10:34 PM, Everyday said:

Went on a date with a very career driven girl, working 2 jobs. She stated on her profile how complicated she is but i ignored that. We meet and she is more traumatized and troubled than i would ever expect. She had worse boyfriends than my ex and on top of that didnt have any friends anymore.

I am so happy for not contacting her anymore. She didnt reach out either. It felt like i was talking with my ex all over again. Her complaining about everything and i would say she is right while thinking she has problems indeed. I dont need her to be motivated and to improve myself. I dont need to deal with her constant drama. We spoke for several days and she kept dumping drama from all corners of her life. No thank you. Basically, i met a girl worse than my ex and i chose to run away like i should have done 3 years ago. 

 

We have the documents from the lawyer for own new business. They just arrived today. Next step is to open a bank account. 

 

I called the doctor and she recommended me to take a vaccine for Hepatitis A since i most recently got the other one in school. I will ask for a prescription next week. This week i will go to take the massage diplomas and my photo album from university. Finally. 

 

At work i felt tired and tried to not fall asleep. Did my job and actually improved some campaigns i didnt touch in months. I wondered how hard can it be to get new clients. I can ask for help. I can look stuff online. If i start the masters next year i wont have the same amount of time available. This is why i wont to work out more now and i can start taking clients as well. I am not excited to have work all day and also go to some stupid course at university afterwards. I am afraid i will be a zombie again. I imagined myself talking with new clients and so on. 

After work i did some gardening, cleaned my room and worked out. Awesome! Also, I got food from home at work instead of ordering smth. 

 

After being productive i want to relax watching some stupid tv series or some similar crap. No thanks. I am excited to work on myself even if it is hard. 

I am looking forward to work out more and improve myself. I want more money but i need to work on everything else witch money cant buy like health. 

 

 

 

 

Edited August 16, 2023 by Everyday

[Everyday]

On 8/16/2023 at 11:17 PM, Everyday said:

I wondered how hard can it be to get new clients. I can ask for help. I can look stuff online. If i start the masters next year i wont have the same amount of time available. This is why i wont to work out more now and i can start taking clients as well. I am not excited to have work all day and also go to some stupid course at university afterwards. I am afraid i will be a zombie again. I imagined myself talking with new clients and so on. 

My siblings asked me again when i will ask for a raise and get new clients. I told them them the truth - i am afraid i wont be good enough to deal with them. I am afraid i will get fired and criticized. I told them i suppose my boss wont give me a raise unless i get a shitload amount of new clients. I am afraid to go to another company because i dont do my job very well due to not doing much the last year.

They underlined the fact that i am hurting myself living like this - i told them i am comfortable having 2 days a week not doing much while working from home and also not being stressed by new clients. This is dumb as fuck since i am also not getting paid much and i say all the time i cant afford to do x and y. They said i really do have all the time in the world now to work hard since i dont have a gf, a family or other problems.

They are right. I am just comfortable but i should aim to grow. I cant afford to move out still and so on. This lifestyle was fine for the last 2 years but now i should aim for more. I am thinking that i really did waste my time getting this degree. What was the point really? Now i am not very good at what i do at work and also cant use my degree.

 

 

They said something i didnt even think about - to say i cant handle more clients. Why do my colleagues get so many clients. I guess they are paid much more so this is why they dont quit their job. Hmmm. My siblings said that i can just quit if i cant handle the work. I feel ashamed to quit after wasting time the last 2 years. My brother told me he is getting paid more already while not even having 2 years of experience like me. I am not that bad, i know how to make those campaigns man. I shouldn't be so afraid since i have to learn and start from somewhere. 

I am still afraid as fuck to tell you the truth.

 

Edited August 18, 2023 by Everyday

[Everyday]

Hey,

 

I met with a few friends at a barbecue and i was complaining that my life is too chill now and i feel like i am not making progress at work. She said she wished her life was like mine now since her parents are getting divorce now. I didnt know that. Wow. She is fond of her high school days when her family was happy and fine. Wow.

What else? I did exercises 4 times this week. This is so amazing. Havent done this is years. I feel i have so much energy.

 

SOme things to fix? Sleeping at midnight instead of 2am

 

[Everyday]

I went to drive with my brother, first time since april i think. I was surprised it wasnt as bad as i thought it would be. However i was extremely stressed while driving. A biker tried to get my attention but i thought he is upset on my driving. He wanted to tell me there is a green liquid falling from my car. Some hoze broke because of the heat and i should have seen this in the board desk. I didnt even know what the board warning meant. I didnt even remember how open the hood. 

My father got upset and kept saying is my fault i didnt saw that on the board and so on. My brother got upset as well for this car being so broken. My father insisted it was my fault not that the car is a shithole itself.  

 

Now i am as angry as i used to be each time smth went wrong while driving. I got upset that i have the driver license for 3 years and i am still bad at driving. This insane fear and stress didnt go away by itself. I have to know how to drive but it seems so impossible at the moment. 

 

I set up a date with a girl i dont like tonight just to get laid. I told her what happened with the stupid car and that i am too angry to go on a date now. I really am. I also got upset on my siblings making fun of me for not having serious plans with M besides having sex. I am thinking to not tell them about the girls i am dating. They really dont understand my approach to dating and so on. What is the point to tell them about it? Same with friends. I am sure i cant mentioned to them that i am cheating on this girl M and so on. They might not even want to see me after that. I guess one guy from the group cheated on her and might open a hound. Same for other ppl in the group. 

I just need to keep this part of my life secret since i am threatening them with my dating habits. I am also thinking to just end up things with M. I just dont like how she looks and it is my right to choose whom am i dating. My siblings insisted she is beautiful but i disagree. I just dont like it and that is it. 

 

Oh, and my phone doesnt work anymore. Fuck it! I dont even know what happened. My siblings got upset on me for canceling on them to visit some place. I just didnt felt like going after the car broke down. 

 

I am thinking that i went out with that crazy girl resembling my ex and this makes me even more angry now. Just because it reminds me with all the bullshit i put up with my ex while also feeling a toxic need to keep that person near me for motivation. Horrible. I dont want to handle another round of those horrible feelings of frustration and anger while dating someone like that. 

Her birthday was last week and i found myself wondering if i should tell her happy b-day to not get upset on me. OMG. I do have problems myself.

 

 

[Everyday]

Hey

Yesterday night i went to meet with a friend nearby and canceled the date because i was too upset on that stupid car. He empowered me to ask for more work and more money. I really want this side hustle to work since i want to make money. I felt motivated after talking to him to get more work man. It was interesting to hear him encouraging me to get more money while another friend told me to be happy to be lazy right now. Interesting. 

We both ranted about being employed and how it sucks. Why do we have a set work schedule. What if i want to go to x in the middle of the day? Why do i need to ask permission to leave earlier and so on. So much time wasted. This is why i want to be profitable selling shit online. I wont have to deal with all this crap and i will actually make my own schedule. 

He also mentioned how frustrating is to save up money each month instead of focusing on making more money. I spent the last 8 months saving money each month almost to invest in this company. A year prior i invested each month in order to buy crypto just to make $30 after a year. What the fuck? I would have better spent the money to take some course or smth. 

 

Woke up tired as fuck. Went to work and kept wondering how hard can it be to get more work and more accounts. I imagined going to my boss and asking for it.

 

I arrived home in the middle of a fight between mom and dad. All started from my snake grandma throwing tantrums. She is going nuts and my family has a hard time dealing with it. My father is so weak mentally that he cant understand my grandma is just crazy and doesnt mean what she says. We are also worrying my father will go nuts like her when he will get older.

 

I canceled a date yesterday but i am going to meet with her in a few days. Trying to get other dates as well. I asked my friend what should i do with M, He said he was also meeting girls just for sex at some point even if he didnt find them attractive. He told me there is nothing wrong to keep her around and if she wants to meet friends just say no. So simple. I wanted to hear that to be honest. I didnt get this response from other ppl. 

 

I wondered what another friend did after saying he will start a new company with someone. Turns out he just helps someone start a project and he isnt even in the company yet. Lol. 

 

I invited some friends over at the BBQ but not all of them since i dont have so much space. I told them i will make a BBQ around this time but i dont feel like to be honest. 

 

I feel guiltily for not being productive enough. I have a new thing to waste time now - watching minecraft videos on YT. I arrived home and worked out but i had a hard time starting. I am still thinking i dont have 1h to work out or less. I am thinking i have to study. But i went to work all day so i do have time to workout man. Chill. Also i might move the work out in the morning. 

[Everyday]

On 8/22/2023 at 1:07 AM, Everyday said:

Yesterday night i went to meet with a friend nearby and canceled the date because i was too upset on that stupid car. 

I rescheduled the date for Wed and it was nice. She wanted to go to see a film so we couldnt talk too much. We didnt kiss, just held hands. 

The car is fine. My father complained for nothing. Mom convinced him to sell it.

 

Work was fine, i put a lot of pressure on myself to ask for a raise but kept delaying it. I am not as bad as i think doing my job but there are some things which need to be improved. I felt stupid doing all this help for my colleagues and not getting paid the same. I decided to write him a message asking when he is free to talk because i want to do more work and get a raise. I decided to message him on Monday. Hope for the best. 

 

What else?

 

Went to see M and we fucked without a condom again. I came but didnt felt when. She freaked out. Went to the drugstore and got a pill. I put my shirt on me on the other side lol. The bolt driver was very talkative. He asked me a lot about how to make money online and what products to bring. I told him about CJdropshipping and other stuff he should know. 

She took the pill and we fucked some more with a condom. It was nice. I couldnt sleep much because her flatmate's BF was loud. I was falling asleep at work. 

 

We got more papers done with the new business. We will solve some more next week. 

Almost all products arrived and they are fine expect one. All good. 

 

Canceled a date with a 19 year old girl from tomorrow night. My siblings insisted i go out with them instead to the pool. 

 

I looked at my colleagues' clothes from work. I was surprised how most of them have such expensive clothes. Wow. They really do spend all their paycheck each month. 

 

We had another stupid training on communication at work. The guy holding it is 48 and has 2 daughters. Yet, he told us how he got a very expensive Mercedes car even if he doesnt actually need or use it much. He paid 895 euros each month for the last 2 years. How can he be so stupid? 20000 euros wasted...... And here i am not even making that much on a fucking month. We have the same amount of time each day but i am not earning as much. 

 

Tried to set up a trip to the mountains and i got lots of seen on the group chat. What did i expect?

 

Went to the doctor and got a prescription to buy a vaccine for Hepatitis A. My parents were right, i got the other vaccine in school when i was little. Told my parents about it and they advised me to not get the vaccine. I want to be safe so i will just take it. 

 

I managed to work out twice this week and i am shocked how fast it was each time. 

 

My father is throwing some tantrum as usually. My mom cant take it as usually. She insisted we do what our father wants to do because she wants him to be quiet. My fathers spends again more than he affords to build that vacation house. 

 

My brother is fighting with his weird GF. I took the opportunity to tell him he will never meet a girl so sick and traumatized girl as his GF anywhere else. Told my sister i am in a relationship with M but i am not really taking it seriously. She freaked out, told me about how sacred is a relationship and so on. I dont see that anymore. It feels such a waste of time honestly. Why is it praised to be lazy and waste your whole day with someone else? Now, i feel like i dont have the mental state to be in a relationship similar with the ones my siblings have. It would be too annoying.

 

I went to the massage center and finally got my certifications. My mom still didnt get a job. She is afraid to even apply to work. I am also afraid to ask for a raise. 

 

I overheard a conversation about tinder at work. A hot co worker told us how she had fun with the dates she had from tinder. Another one said she only met weird guys. She also tried Bumble and she was frustrated that those guys didnt text her back. Another girl, very annoying one didnt try at all these apps. Another guy, 36 year old told us his also horrible encounters on Tinder. He said all the girls he spoke with had fake accounts. 

Edited August 25, 2023 by Everyday

[Everyday]

Hey

I will have a full week starting from Monday. I want to ask for a raise and i also have a 2nd date with I.

Tuesday - I go to work and cooking class. 

Wed - Work and a date with a new girl

Thursday - WFH, university diploma and date with M.

Friday - just work and workshop at work

 

Next week we have to solve some final things with the new business. Hopefully we can do it asap. After that we can just order some products hehe. 

I was thinking today that i am basically wasting my own money not doing better at work. I am basically not earning more and also not learning more. Ridiculous. I am just stalling and wasting my time each day. Why not use the day to actually earn more money selling shit online. 

I am looking at my older colleagues and i dont want to be like that at all. They do earn more but are also stressed as fuck. What is the point? I can basically do my job but selling for me. There are so many stupid clients who dont know how to sell online but are still making money. Why not us as well?

 

I love that this journal talks about my journey from the begging to present. Here, i went from leaving to NL, to returning home, being afraid to work, getting a job, working for my parents, working out on and off, giving up meditation and starting again, leaving old friends and coming back at them, getting my driver ID, my first dates, my first relationships, giving up tv series and watching too many, my tinder journey, being afraid to get pics of myself for tinder and now starting my own business with my siblings.

 

the weeknd heartless

Edited August 27, 2023 by Everyday

[Everyday]

Hei,

 

Drove again today with my brother even if i was scared. It was all good. Woke up earlier to do it. 

Had an argument with my father and i was so annoyed i have to listen to his bullshit. Mom was upset as well. He cut down all my mint plants because they were weeds and all over the aspersion sensor. I got super mad and threaten him i will destroy his stupid lawn. 

Meditation habit is going well. 

 

 

21 hours ago, Everyday said:

Next week we have to solve some final things with the new business. Hopefully we can do it asap. After that we can just order some products hehe. 

What else? Just waiting for those stuff to solve so i can order those products from china and finally sell them. I am looking forward to learn and earn money. I dont want to be in this job forever. But for the near future is seems that it is my only way to earn money. I can be patient. I waited over half a year just to actually start this business. I saved money for half a year. I am doing it now! I didnt push it again until next year. 

I know i said i am going to ask for a raise tomorrow but i am scared as fuck honestly. It is normal, man. I can send the message at the end of the workday and wait for a response next day. 

I can use my money from now on to invest them in stocks. I saved enough for this business. 

 

What else? 

I am back using instagram because i am speaking with a girl. But i didnt open all stories and so on. I dont see a point doing that. I am looking forward to not do it again.

I am thinking to watch tv series and i dont like this. I worked out twice this week. Good. I have pain in my shoulder from pushing myself too much. I need a break. 

My b-day is next week and i am not that excited to get older. I am feeling i am not using all my time to be productive. For example listening to a book or watching some YT video.

webcam model interview jazmen

Edited August 27, 2023 by Everyday

[Everyday]

Hei

 

At the end of the work shit on Monday, i messaged my boss asking if he has some free time to speak this week. I asked what can i do more for a raise. He said yes, sure. I told him to let me know when hes free to speak. He seen my message. I felt stupid for being so anxious to even ask. I am waiting to have this discussion now.

I am afraid to get new accounts but i cant keep wasting my own time at this company and not learning more and not getting paid better. 

 

The girl from Monday cancelled the date, the cooking class on Tuesday was awesome and tonight's date was cute. 

We need some legal documents but i think that all lawyers are in vacation now. 

I will use my birthday gift money from my work colleagues to invest in some stocks. 

 

My grandma is calling all of us for stupid reasons. She said she has some keys from the Eiffel tower. We find it funny but also annoying that she keeps calling us for shit like this. My father cant accept she is crazy and is actually stressed of her calls. He lost one of his credit cards for alleged stressed due to stupid calls from grandma. WTF. 

 

[Everyday]

On 8/31/2023 at 1:35 AM, Everyday said:

The girl from Monday cancelled the date.

Reached out to her twice but she just replayed to my texts basically. Just like the girl from April. So i let her alone. I will trust my intuition here.
 

 

On 8/31/2023 at 1:35 AM, Everyday said:

I will use my birthday gift money from my work colleagues to invest in some stocks. 

I got a link from a co worker to a trading up and got my first stocks today, right before i turned 25: coca cola, mc donalds, black rock, pepsico, bp and shell. 

On 8/31/2023 at 1:35 AM, Everyday said:

My grandma is calling all of us for stupid reasons.

Now she wants to take her bags and move at our house by surprise. 

 

Played minecraft last night. I felt so bad. I watched online some girl masturbating and fapped after that. I feel better now but still, that was intense. 

Arrived at work and i just didnt feel like doing anything. I helped a coworker do her own tasks. I had a training and i just couldnt focus much. I was upset for not doing smth better with my time money wise. 

I can find a similar but remote job right now if i really want to. I dont have to invest so much time at this job. I really want to have my own schedule. Why do i need to work at set ours and not do my own thing? I cant wait to start selling those products online. I want to make more money and quit my job. 

 

Exactly one year ago i had a GF and i was on tinder for about 2 months. I got so much better since than. I didnt even imagine dating other girls while having a gf. I felt stuck with another gf i dont want a long term thing. I literally didnt had sex that year besides technically doing it with her one time. Man, i kissed just her the whole year. Unreal. But 2023 was so fucking amazing! I learned so much and i am still learning. It was definitely worth it. I will get even better!

My sister said that she wishes i will be a real man once i turn 25. She complained how bad is it to go on dates while having a gf. But i feel good and i am proud of myself. Now, i dont see the point in having a serious relationship and going on dates so often and speaking all day. What is the point? It will end soon again. Why make that person your everything?

 

I am waiting to talk about that raise with my boss next week. 

 

I am frustrated of limiting myself so much with this job. I can work for another company making more. Maybe doing ads for onlyfans is paying better. IDK. I am the only one stopping myself. I find it stupid that my brother is paid more than me and has less experience. I do deserve to earn more man. I really do. I can really leave this job to earn more. I can find a remote position and travel. I JUST need to do it.

Edited September 2, 2023 by Everyday

[Everyday]

Hey

Celebrated my b-day and it was fun. I didnt stress as much as i did last year. It was chill. Got some cool gifts, ate well and laughed a lot.

I feel a little bad for getting drunk even if i didnt loose control. I was a little sad for not making more money from my job and not starting the side hustle faster. Usual stuff i think when i get drunk.

I played some minecraft again before i went to sleep. I want to play again even if i can do better stuff with my time.

I didnt meditate or do back exercises yesterday. Today i want to be productive since it is still early but i feel resistant. 

 

I cleaned my room yesterday. I had stuff around i didnt even clean since last year. I just kept saying i am busy with university. 

 

Edited September 3, 2023 by Everyday

[Everyday]

Hey

Earlier today i was laying in bed thinking to play some minecraft but chose to clean my room. I didnt clean my room really well in over a year. I threw out a lot of shit. 

I worked out. My shoulder and right arm are getting better. I have pain for a few weeks. I took it easy. 

 

I cant believe i turned 25. It feels like years passed so fast. I wasted 5 years with to get a college degree. I will be 30 in 5 years. Wow. It is so close. I need a clear picture what i want to be like by than.

I didnt think much about the future while i was in college. I just wanted to graduate. Just wanted to live in the moment and not worry much.

 

Also, i know i dont want to waste time watching tv series again. My sister started watching gossip girl and she is hooked. She is even watching that on her phone. She behaves exactly like i did several months ago. Just wanted to be left alone and watch that crap. 

 

I am looking forward to start selling these products online. I dont feel like i can grow more being an employee for the rest of my life. It feels so stupid to have a set time to work during the week. It would be amazing to choose myself when i want to work more or less. It would be awesome to not work crazy like my older colleagues just for a few hundred bucks. If i sell enough online i can make that faster. 

Also, i would have more money to invest and do more courses. I would learn and read more. I  wouldnt just waste whole day at work just to come home and have a few hours of free time. I do know i can be a digital nomad as well. 

 

I am trying to think how would be my life without a regular job. A year ago i was proud if i worked overtime but now it feels stupid. My boss left work hours earlier than us so why would i stay over my work schedule? Lol, instead taking a walk or reading a book i spent my free time working some more for same salary.

Anyways, it is hard to imagine actually quitting this job and not doing shit for a month. Literally, just chilling, working out, reading and having a good time. I am imagining i wont have money to go out and shit. Lol. But i can really do it if i want to. I dont need to keep working a regular job forever. 

I am still overthinking the day i will tell my boss i want to quit. My colleagues will move on fast af. Someone else will take those accounts. I will have the rest of my life to invest my time as i want to. 

emotional content by kels - analog journal

Edited September 4, 2023 by Everyday

[Everyday]

Hey

I felt tired and low motivation to go to work. Arrived there and i had to do task after task for my colleagues. The fashion season started and they had a bunch of shit to work on. My boss didnt ask me to talk with him but gave me a new account today. I was stressed but i called the guy and it was ok. I made a mistake in the email i sent to him. My supervisor was very understanding. 

I hope i will also get a raise eventually. I asked for more clients and i got one so far. This is very challenging for me and i am stressed and worried about keeping this client. I fucked up a lot in the past with clients. So this is a opportunity to grow and be a better person overall.

My supervisor showed me how i added the logo of another company in some display ads i did in June. I felt embarrassed. 

 

I am happy that i got a new challenge at work and that now i feel that i am making progress again. I feel like i am not reaching my full potential at this job. I am helping my colleagues do their tasks and getting paid less. I could use this time to sell online and learn how to do it better. I am basically just getting by in life, not really making a big difference for myself.

I am going to work to help my colleagues do their tasks. I am not even using feeds and ecomm each day. Not really. What is the point of living like this? I am not getting fired for dealing with clients but i am also not progressing in life. I am just ... there wasting my own time. I could be learning more about ordering from china and so on. Right now i am just doing junior work. I am too comfortable. 

 

What can i do? Ask for more tasks dealing with feeds and ecomm stores. Do research on yourself and observe my colleagues accounts. 

 

I should have clients which have e-comm business which i can also do. This way i can transfer these skills into selling my own products. I basically got this job so i will get paid and focus on dating, going out, etc basically just getting by until i finish college. Now, i feel stupid about this way of life. I am not making enough to even move out, let alone travel and invest in real estate, stocks and myself. I am wondering what else can i do to earn more money by using my time.

I could be using the whole day to learn about different ways to make money, learn new things, i could get a job as a social media manager and learn that as well. I could use my time way better than i do at this job. I am not getting the best use of my time each day. I just make ads, assets and campaigns for different business all day looong. There is no time to learn about tik tok, buying and selling, social media, etc. I am just doing a part of what makes a business work. It feels like i am limiting myself. I am just getting stressed about selling products for someone else and getting a fraction of the growth and money that person gets. I am helping someone else make money off my back and i am stressing so much i will get fired from this job. Lol, this is ridiculous. 

Man, the 17 year old guy from whom i learned this didnt even learn to make ads and still sells like crazy. He made his own ads on tik tok for some products. Now, he just sells online from the same platform i am going to use. Why do i stressed myself so much in life? I can start this with less experience than i think i need. Man, the last trip really got me going and lit a fire under my ass. 

I stress at work about not being able to hold a client and do others tasks instead of just using all this energy and time to make my own business going. Imagine using all this time i work at my job to sell and buy shit from china much much better. In 6 months i will learn so much. I didnt learn much in the last 6 months at work. I am doing the same tasks. I am disrespecting my own time. Basically i will be doing the same at this job in 6 months. Man the amount of time i give to this job is crazy. The returns are not justifying my effort. 

 

I need to see my situation for what it is. I am not paid enough - i can get better at my job and solve this. And even if i get 1100 EUR per month i will work my ass off for it each month and i will sad like my older colleagues. I also dont want that. I

 

Edited September 4, 2023 by Everyday

[Everyday]

Hey

The cooking class on Tuesday night was nice but i felt frustrated for not knowing what to do. The chef got frustrated seeing me just stay there at times just watching instead of taking the initiative and work. I didnt know what to do.

I had a hard time each day waking up. Arrived at work late. I kept helping each day a colleague from work with her tasks. I sent to my new client the marketing strategy we will use but i avoided actually setting up the campaigns. When i woke up i felt weird not going to work. Like it is something bad to stay home and so on. 

 

I took a walk alone at lunch today. I felt frustrated with not being paid more and not being already better at my work. I am giving away my time to work here and not making more money. I am literally coming to work and giving them my time in exchange for some money, but not enough to travel and move out. What a joke. I feel that i am missing out on life while working here. 

I said to myself that i will quit this job once i make $1000/month with the new business. But that would me more than i make now so why wait so long? If i put more time and work at the new business i will see some results versus nothing at my job. I am already 25, what do i wait for?

 

I spent some more money buying stocks. I didnt order food at work and i am very proud of that. I chose to eat fruits and nuts. But in the same time i felt stupid for not eating a big meal just to save some money. I wont get rich with $10. I am not going to have the life i want to have if i am still at this job in 5 years. I imagine i will be stressed as the girl i help at work. I wont enjoy life and i will just be working to survive. It is clear i wont have an apartment and a car by just working at this stupid job. 

We made some more progress with this new business doing papers. I will run some more errands tomorrow. On Friday we can order those products after i get all papers in order. I am so excited man. I would be able to do more than just work all day. I could make my own schedule. I wont have to worry about getting fired and working until the end of the shit and crap like that. No worries about clients. 

 

 

I really want to get out of this job. I was frustrated today because i had to work until the end of the schedule when i didnt feel like it anymore. Why do we have to work our asses while our boss goes home and is free to do whatever he wants all day. Why do i have to be stressed in the morning that i need to arrive on time at work? Why do i have to give him my time in return for some money? I can do better for myself. I really can. Why do i limit myself?

 

A girl from work made a comment about poor people making a ton of kids. She said the parents just work and make food all day and have no time to grow and develop themselves. She complained that those people vote and bring the country down. That those people dont go to courses and dont have hobbies. A college made and interesting argument - this is what you also do but is different. You just work at this job all day and have no time for those courses. Man, that hit hard. What life is this really?

 

Did exercise twice this week already. 

 

 beatpete vinyl session #80

Edited September 6, 2023 by Everyday

[Everyday]

Hey

 

Woke up tired since i played minecraft and listened to interviews until 3 am. I pushed myself to work since i didnt want to do the set up for the new client. I did 80%. Not much else. 

I went to the print shop and got a company seal for our business. I feel so excited! It looks so fucking awesome! Tomorrow my sister will take the final papers from the notary. We are almost ready to order those products. I cant wait hehe. It was a good idea to do it with siblings since one of us can do different tasks at once. 

Next step is to speak with each vendor and ask for invoices for this company. I am anxious at this part since one of them didnt even answer. Another step is to wait for them and figure out how to use the marketplace site. After that is how to send products and so on. 

 

I feel tired of tinder. I didnt get any new dates. I think my messages are the problem. I dont make the conversation exciting. 

 

I answered to some questions of a colleague from uni. She didnt sent her thesis on time in June. She was stressed as fuck right now and i forgot how i felt just a few months ago. I feel i grew a lot since end of June. This whole uni chapter is behind me. I cant wait to feel the same about work.

I will look back after i quit and say damn... I had to wake up each day to arrive at work, spend there most of the day and come home drained. I hope that being on my own will be much better for my stress levels. I think it will be awesome to stop working when i want to and also make more money.

I helped a friend make ads for his reiki business a few months ago. Someone who knows him reached out and asked if i can make ads for the shoes she wants to sell. Turns out she doesnt know shit about having an online business but still started - i felt stupid since i am so afraid to start and this woman jumped right into it. Lol.

I refused her since i dont want the stress that comes along, all the extra work and having to teach her the basics. Soon i will have my own online business to take care of. I really dont want to spend so much time doing all this work for her for not much money. What is the point? I better focus my energy on my job and soon to be side hustle.

Edited September 7, 2023 by Everyday

[Everyday]

On 9/7/2023 at 10:19 PM, Everyday said:

I refused her since i dont want the stress that comes along, all the extra work and having to teach her the basics. Soon i will have my own online business to take care of. I really dont want to spend so much time doing all this work for her for not much money. What is the point? I better focus my energy on my job and soon to be side hustle.

I feel very good about this decision.

 

I almost set all ads for the new client. I felt resistant to start to be honest even if i knew i can do it very well. 

 

On Friday we had again a course on communication with that weird trainer. I felt envious on him for getting paid to deliver little useful information. He was very proud that he doesnt have a job and so on. I admire that but i feel frustrated that he is living his own life while delivering a mediocre course. 

 

I asked my boss if i can leave work earlier in order to arrive on time at the diction course i start next week. He said yeah, sure and we can also talk next week about the raise you asked. Wow, i didnt expect that, i thought he wants me to get those clients first and after that i will ask for money. Amazing! 

Yesterday night my colleagues asked me to join them for beer after work. I didnt wanted to go at first. I found out some cool stuff about the new colleagues and i got drunk haha. I asked one new colleague how much he makes since i am only making 583 euros per month. He was shocked, he makes around 1000 euros per month and i think he started in April. This triggered me since i have been at this company for over 2 years. I want that money and i wont get anywhere in life with my current paycheck. 

 

I am anxious to get more clients but i cant live like this anymore. I feel frustrated giving so much time to this job for a shit salary. I could be doing smth more else to get paid more. I choose to stay at this job and not even afford to move out man. I didnt even think of this until i finished uni for good. I just put a pause on my progress and waited to be done with that crap. I think i wasted several years with that. I am not even using my degree. 

I am also going to learn more about making ads for these accounts besides being paid more. Cool! I am not sure for how long i wanna stay here. I feel that i am wasting my potential here. I could be home researching how to make more money and so on. But i am stuck at the office. 

 

 

I feel amazing for actually starting this new business. We dont just talked about it. 

I have been stressing for months about whether those sellers from ali will give us invoices or not. Two of them didnt even answer. I found out a browser extension which makes invoices lol. Amazing. I feel so much better now. 

 

I invested some more money into Peerberry. I deleted the brokerage app from which i bought my stocks since i checked the price so frequently. I am looking forward to see how it goes. I knew about this platform for 1-2 years. 

 

Today i solved some big problems but i am still feeling i didnt do enough. I did exercise and meditate but i procrastinated on doing research for the new business.

 

The nest step for the business is for the accountant to send some more documents and that is it. Might be ready next week. After that, we can finally order bro! I am so excited. 

 

I am very proud of what i have accomplished this summer. It was amazing. 

 

[Everyday]

Hey,

The boss didnt arrive at work today so we didnt even speak about the raise. 

Messaged some friends to ask how are they. They have their own problems.

Went on a date with Teo3 and she let me actually kiss her now and we kept kissing. I wonder if she would have let me upstairs since i walked her home. I had to leave earlier to meet with M. I went to her place and had sex. For some reason it didnt feel wow as it was before. Interesting. I left from her place to sleep at home. 

The bolt driver who took me home was 24 and previously worked in UK. He made around 900 euros last month driving ppl with bold. I felt envious. Here i am stressing so much about a small raise and this guy doesnt even has a boss.

 

Woke up and went to work. The new client asked me how the work is going and i was just finishing his ads. I hope that tomorrow we can start the ads. If things are fine ill ask for more clients. I need to learn. I felt again i could be doing smth better with my time which would give me more money. I was just doing some tasks and not really making progress overall. Just same tasks i had last week - set up some campaigns. 

I listened to a podcast yesterday where i heard am amazing idea. Someone complained to him why he doesnt progress in life with his job even if he has a 3 hours daily routine with a bunch of good habits. The speaker said maybe try to use those 3 hours to work on your business. He said that he knows successful people who are still taking drugs, fapping, lazy and drinking. Of course, is harder that way but they also use some time to work on the actual habits that matter - for example making more calls. 

Well, for me this means that i can chill. Right now i am living the same i was a month ago even if i invested money and i will earn from that. I made a really good habit and now i am benefiting from it. Same with the new business, i will use my time to make more money even if the time investment isnt that big. 

 

I am thinking how insane is that other people do more and make more each day while each day has 24 hours for anyone. But they do some jobs or businesses which make them nice money instead of a shit job. So i can invest 8-9 hours at work or i can use the same time to do smth which brings me more money. Insane! 

 

I walked 1 h after work and worked out. I felt so good and proud of myself. 

[Everyday]

23 hours ago, Everyday said:

The boss didnt arrive at work today so we didnt even speak about the raise. 

He was at work but seemed full of tasks. I will speak with him but i dont know when. I dont want to be pushy and try to hard either. 

 

I started the campaigns for the new client and everything is fine so far. i felt so good about myself. I was so afraid to get new clients and i see now that isnt that bad. 

I realised so late i can just ask my colleagues for help. I can ask them what campaigns to even do man. Ridiculous. What i have to do is call them from time to time. Why am i so afraid of new clients? 

 

Our accountant messaged me to tell me he would prefer to wait until next month before getting the last document needed to start. Why? Because he is lazy to do extra papers this month. He asked me why am i in a rush. Really? Why not? WTF. After i get that shit i can order those products, man. It is that simple. Why would we want to wait another month???

 

I started the diction course and it was so awesome! I felt cringe doing some exercises tho. I was surprised seeing how the trainer was speaking and just being. She is so charismatic in comparison with the trainer my boss pays at work to teach us communication. That guy is teaching a mediocre course but he still gets people to pay for it. Why would i put some shit product out there if someone will buy it?

 

I got food from home and some snacks at work so i didnt have to buy food. I feel amazing about myself for saving those money each week. I should count the number of days before i buy food outside. I watched some videos online about saving money and these expenses do count. I cant just eat junk food because i feel bad. 

 

My parents are fighting all over again and i keep telling mom to divorce. Over the weekend my family went to the vacation house of my sister's BF. My father got super motivated to finish his house which he cant afford as well. He blamed mom for not supporting him enough. Cringe. 

What is the point of most relationships people have? Just to go out in the city often, fight, speak non stop and just wasting time. All of this just to break up in the end. It seems so stupid. What is the fucking point??? Becoming frustrated like mom and so many other people?

 

zola jesus hikikomori