165 Days Before College

[Everyday]

On 08/06/2020 at 10:27 PM, Everyday said:

At the first internship we had some advertising for a big project. An agency helped us and i liked them immediately. This was last November. Thought since then i definitely want to work there and do facebook and google ads stuff. It so exciting but cant say why. Emailed the girl who helped us from them and waiting for her advice. I would like to start it at the end of this month. Also, it would be nice to have smth extra to keep my mind off driving stress. Im lucky i dont have to stress about exams at uni.

 

I emailed the girl who helped us. Called her and found out her job is more awesome and filled with growth opportunities. The job application period ended last week, even if i wanted and kept postponing speaking with her. She spoke with them recommending me and asked them to take my application too. So nice! I didn't even asked her to do this. What a nice surprise. Sent the application and one day later i got accepted into the next phase. 104 people are competing for only 2 positions. Crazy. Competing for this job isn't even stressful like driving- its exciting! It would be nice but the best thing is that it takes my mind off driving.

But i have to say that i might say is smth wrong with me if i dont get accepted. I will work with this belief. I am quite confident they'll pick me. I have a feeling.

 

Also, from July ill start working in the lab for the second internship. I am working on another growing project with the guy from the 1st internship. Still going to krav. Still going to work. Still speaking with my GF. 

 

No answer from erasmus. I would like to know asap with i am in or out so i can find another company. I have been waiting for them for weeks man.

 

The 3rd and 4th driving lessons were horrible. The 5th and 6th much much much better.

Edited June 13, 2020 by Everyday

[Everyday]

On 13/06/2020 at 1:32 PM, Everyday said:

No answer from erasmus. I would like to know asap with i am in or out so i can find another company. I have been waiting for them for weeks man.

 

Turns out i forgot to press send to the message asking them whether they have decided about me or not. So after 2 weeks of waiting they finally replayed that I got accepted. I emailed other two companies after i asked them because two weeks passed and i was anxious. Apparently, they have decided they want me but didnt bother to let me know. lol. When i found out i am accepted i felt happy and also concerned- are they a serious company? wtf is going on?

 

On 13/06/2020 at 1:32 PM, Everyday said:

The 3rd and 4th driving lessons were horrible. The 5th and 6th much much much better.

Just had the 12th this morning. Getting better but still making the same beginner mistakes. Makes me frustrated and anxious. I have a few lessons left and i dont feel ready for the final driving exam.

 

On 13/06/2020 at 1:32 PM, Everyday said:

I emailed the girl who helped us. Called her and found out her job is more awesome and filled with growth opportunities. The job application period ended last week, even if i wanted and kept postponing speaking with her. She spoke with them recommending me and asked them to take my application too. So nice! I didn't even asked her to do this. What a nice surprise. Sent the application and one day later i got accepted into the next phase. 104 people are competing for only 2 positions. Crazy. Competing for this job isn't even stressful like driving- its exciting! It would be nice but the best thing is that it takes my mind off driving.

But i have to say that i might say is smth wrong with me if i dont get accepted. I will work with this belief. I am quite confident they'll pick me. I have a feeling.

So these guys gave me other 2-3 challenges and passed them. I guess there are only 13 people left for those two job positions. Cant believe it. I am so close. Going to have an interview tomorrow morning. Quite excited. I feel i will get this job. Is paid too! It would be my first paid job working what i like. The girl who helped me told me that one of the challenges was just meant to see who is ready to commit out of 104 people. Only 40 completed the challenge which required to take some time to do it. Yet, only a few are left. I think after these interviews, they are going to select whom to hire. Nice! I am both excited and anxious. It will be an interesting job. So much to learn and so much room to grow.

 

Only two exams left. Passed everything till now with good grades. Cheated a lot. I hope next semester will be the same so i can work at that social media advertising job instead of going to uni.

Things with my GF are going great. Tonight will be the 4th day in a row i am going to her place. My family was joking that i al living there now and to come home when i remember them =))))

Lots of stuff going on at the moment. I want to do each one at a time but there is never the right time. I am doing them right now as best as i can. Is better than not doing anything at all. Ideally i would focus on my relationship, than on this job and than take care of driving and so on...

 

I need to organise better that's it. Since i started driving and before i stopped watching tv series late at night. I don't have the energy for it. Having lots of free time made me lazy af.

Finished Arnold's autobiography. Really inspiring.

Edited June 22, 2020 by Everyday

[Everyday]

On 22/06/2020 at 6:11 PM, Everyday said:

So these guys gave me other 2-3 challenges and passed them. I guess there are only 13 people left for those two job positions. Cant believe it. I am so close. Going to have an interview tomorrow morning. Quite excited. I feel i will get this job. Is paid too! It would be my first paid job working what i like. The girl who helped me told me that one of the challenges was just meant to see who is ready to commit out of 104 people. Only 40 completed the challenge which required to take some time to do it. Yet, only a few are left. I think after these interviews, they are going to select whom to hire. Nice! I am both excited and anxious. It will be an interesting job. So much to learn and so much room to grow.

 

yesterday's interview went pretty good in my opinion. I guided my answers based on what that nice girl who helped me so far advised me. At the end of the interview (as she told me this morning) me and them realised that i don't have a clear vision of what i want from this job. They don't see me being 100% certain i wanna work 8h a day at them. That i am doing too many stuff atm and so on. I felt down immediately. 14 people have interviews until Thursday.

She said they met a bunch of awesome people. Some people they expected to be top of the line proved exact the opposite and vice versa. Some people gave lines from the internet and from books. I am pessimistic about my chances at the moment. They are right. Not sure what i want at the moment. I do feel overwhelmed. I feel down at the moment.

One exam left this Sunday and i am done. There is a possibility we will have to write some essays for the practical part which was supposed to happen in the curriculum. All in all, i fking passed everything until this point. I almost finished my first year of uni. I lost sight of this. I was stressed at the beginning of the1st semester im not going to make it to the 2nd year.

 

I need some erasmus company PIC number from the company who accepted me but they didn't replay to me. They are working very slow. Makes me question their seriousness. The other company i emailed for erasmus didn't answer yet. Curious what it takes them so long. The professor responsible for erasmus didnt respond either.

 

I should do some driving with my brother but felt really anxious to. I hate i am not productive as i want to be. Makes me frustrated.

 

I got bored of my relationship. I am not thinking of her all the time like i used to. I am disappointed of myself for not having a relationship earlier. It dont feel as good as i thought. Is just.. nice. I would like to be alone for a few days. I want to go back to my old routines of eating crap and watching tv series. I had such high expectations about the way a relationship would feel but i am not really satisfied. Everything is going great with us but idk i feel this. I feel like seeing her is smth i am supposed to do. 

 

Drank some champaign a few weeks ago when i celebrated 3 months with my gf. That was also almost the amount of time i didnt drink. Right now i would like to be able to get drank. I also started eating sweets and fast food again, because of the stress i am feeling lately. Drinking made me want to drink another and another glass. Not drinking also made me feel and remember what i have been ignoring for months and isnt nice.

 

 

 

[Everyday]

On 24/06/2020 at 3:35 PM, Everyday said:

yesterday's interview went pretty good in my opinion. I guided my answers based on what that nice girl who helped me so far advised me. At the end of the interview (as she told me this morning) me and them realised that i don't have a clear vision of what i want from this job. They don't see me being 100% certain i wanna work 8h a day at them. That i am doing too many stuff atm and so on. I felt down immediately. 14 people have interviews until Thursday.

She said they met a bunch of awesome people. Some people they expected to be top of the line proved exact the opposite and vice versa. Some people gave lines from the internet and from books. I am pessimistic about my chances at the moment. They are right. Not sure what i want at the moment. I do feel overwhelmed. I feel down at the moment.

So i didnt get to the next challenge. I didnt get picked for the second interview in order to get hired. Felt pissed. But later relieved. I am doing too many things at once and i am not doing any properly. Makes me feel frustrated and paralysed. It was a good experience. i am more interested in social media advertising than ever, even if i will postpone it atm.

I think that i was too honest with them. I shouldn't have told them that i want to do all this in the same time. Maybe smth like- i want to transition in this field and nothing else matters- would have convinced them. But they would have figured out my true intentions eventually.

Look up similar companies and jackpot. Sure i will get a job somewhere doing the same thing. Maybe ill apply in autumn.

 

On 24/06/2020 at 3:35 PM, Everyday said:

I need some erasmus company PIC number from the company who accepted me but they didn't replay to me. They are working very slow. Makes me question their seriousness. The other company i emailed for erasmus didn't answer yet. Curious what it takes them so long. The professor responsible for erasmus didnt respond either.

Still no replay from them. Reminded them again today.

 

On 24/06/2020 at 3:35 PM, Everyday said:

I got bored of my relationship. I am not thinking of her all the time like i used to. I am disappointed of myself for not having a relationship earlier. It dont feel as good as i thought. Is just.. nice. I would like to be alone for a few days. I want to go back to my old routines of eating crap and watching tv series. I had such high expectations about the way a relationship would feel but i am not really satisfied. Everything is going great with us but idk i feel this. I feel like seeing her is smth i am supposed to do. 

 

Kinda getting to like her more again. Weird. I feel closer to her - but at times i dont. I feel better with her that's for sure. 

My family met her. My mom embarrassed me as i expected=)))))) 3?- years ago i was listening to this band a girl i liked listened to and daydreamed of us being together. My mom liked the song and i shared it with her. She kept listening to that band until now. Three days ago she said to my GF listen to this: one of his favorite song =))) lol. It's a heartbreak song =))) Felt so embarrassed

 

 

On 24/06/2020 at 3:35 PM, Everyday said:

One exam left this Sunday and i am done. There is a possibility we will have to write some essays for the practical part which was supposed to happen in the curriculum. All in all, i fking passed everything until this point. I almost finished my first year of uni. I lost sight of this. I was stressed at the beginning of the1st semester im not going to make it to the 2nd year.

 

I got a 5.6 at that exam. Cheated and used my intuition. It was hard especially bc i barely read the material. I kept postponing it. Spent the days beforehand at work or with my gf. Still had time to study but didnt. 

Sent a copy-paste essay at the ''practical side'' of our curriculum. This essay is the last part of me passing the year. I cant believe it. I thought i cant pass this year at the very beginning- and here i am. I will be 2nd year in autumn. I feel so proud and accomplished. Of course i didnt put any amount of significant work but whatever this semester.

I am proud i kept my mouth shut and did the only thing i had to do- passed. Thought of the stress i felt last year for failing uni. It made me feel like shit. I was so so affected by it. That stress was fking my life and everything man.

 

 

On 24/06/2020 at 3:35 PM, Everyday said:

Drank some champaign a few weeks ago when i celebrated 3 months with my gf. That was also almost the amount of time i didnt drink. Right now i would like to be able to get drank. Drinking made me want to drink another and another glass. Not drinking also made me feel and remember what i have been ignoring for months and isnt nice.

Thought of the bitter taste of beer in my mouth. Didnt understand how i liked that and how i liked getting more and more of that and feeling numb and sad afterwards. That pattern of watching tv series, eating crap and drinking and fapping is still there.Deep down is there. And from time to time i want to do it.

I overate fast food after some few months more or less and felt so sick. I cant believe i was overeating a few times a week like this last year. Is HORRIBLE. 

Edited July 2, 2020 by Everyday

[Everyday]

On 13/06/2020 at 1:32 PM, Everyday said:

Also, from July ill start working in the lab for the second internship. I am working on another growing project with the guy from the 1st internship. 

 

Going there next Wednesday. i am excited.

[Everyday]

On 02/07/2020 at 7:34 PM, Everyday said:

I need some erasmus company PIC number from the company who accepted me but they didn't replay to me. They are working very slow. Makes me question their seriousness. The other company i emailed for erasmus didn't answer yet. Curious what it takes them so long. The professor responsible for erasmus didnt respond either.

Got it! I will stress the people from erasmus more in order to get my contract signed as soon as possible.

 

Amazing news! Next semester will be online too! Therefore, i will work this summer for the 2nd internship in the lab and then get a job in online advertising in autumn. I found a similar company as the last one. I have hope again.

 

My garden is doing really good. I thought of using some fertilisers as well.

 

 

 

 

[Everyday]

On 05/07/2020 at 11:58 AM, Everyday said:

Got it! I will stress the people from erasmus more in order to get my contract signed as soon as possible.

 

The Erasmus office said we should postpone signing the papers till next year because it doesn't make sense to prepare so early. The company said is ok. I don't like this. I don't have any certainty they won't change their minds until next summer... 

 

I am unbelievably happy that i finished my 1st year of university. Last week i read messaged from my colleagues, the ones who failed some courses, pleading for help. I remembered last year and how i was in a worse position than some of them.... I am so satisfied of not having to worry about university anymore. I passed and that's it.  

 

Finished driving school. Preparing for the exam. And resisting so much to study for it. I get so angry and so frustrated....

 

Went with her three weeks ago in the mountains. it was nice. Two weeks ago i went to meet her parents for a weekend in her town. 

 

Didnt see her last week at all. She was ''busy''. To be honest i dont know if that's true or not. She barely responded to my messages and i was the only one trying to contact her. I didnt like that.

 

Getting overwhelmed often by destructive, revengeful, mean and childish thoughts regarding her. I have to be alone to calm down. And when the storm is over i see only stupid reasons behind my feelings and negative emotions.

Edited July 28, 2020 by Everyday

[Everyday]

On 02/07/2020 at 7:39 PM, Everyday said:

On 13/06/2020 at 1:32 PM, Everyday said:

Also, from July ill start working in the lab for the second internship. I am working on another growing project with the guy from the 1st internship. 

 

Going there next Wednesday. i am excited.

Went there a few times. Really cool. 

First time i just got super angry on myself for not studying more about the subject and running my own experiments. Felt horrible. I am not better weeks later. I feel so much resistance man...... i am watching tv series all day again. With some breaks for work, preparing for the driving exam, garden, chores. i even watch tv series a work sometimes. 

[Everyday]

On 28/07/2020 at 9:10 AM, Everyday said:

Didnt see her last week at all. She was ''busy''. To be honest i dont know if that's true or not. She barely responded to my messages and i was the only one trying to contact her. I didnt like that.

She appolgized a lot for that. She said she was overwhelmed by tasks and wanted to deal with them alone. She kept me at distance during that week.

Now, things are better. We are going to the beach in two weeks.

 

She asked me what i wanna do with my degree. At first i didn't understand what was she actually talking about. The elephant in the room is that i want to leave the country in three years. She said she doesn't want to love me just for three years. I said i dont want to speak about this at the moment. The truth is that i cant get a job in my country in my field of interest. I will leave anyways to be honest. 

 

So we are celebrating 5 months together at the end of this week. We still haven't had sex even if we see each other physically for 3 months. Long story short (she told me most of it last night) is that her ex injured one of her ovaries over a year ago when he find out she wants to break up with him. She still has problems since then. Her results came yesterday. Her gynaecologist told her she will bleed and have lots of pain the first time we bang. We see if she's ok afterwards. This will be next Friday. 

 

 

I haven't smoke weed in 7 months. WOW. I would like some now. I feel ok without it i guess. Noticed my mind is clear at some degree, i can see what is bothering me even if is hard to deal with the problem itself.

 

My father spent recklessly again. I paid to make new glasses from my own money. Dude that was so expensive. I dont have much money left. I will also do a MRI for my back. I have been having pain for around 3 years. I didn't do proper recovery exercises because my father said it isn't important and refused to pay for it. Now, i will use my money for it. Cant reason with him.

 

On 28/07/2020 at 9:10 AM, Everyday said:

Finished driving school. Preparing for the exam. And resisting so much to study for it. I get so angry and so frustrated....

Still barely doing anything. Haven't drove a car on the street for three weeks. I am so ashamed of my laziness. I spoke about it with her. She said i need to find motivation within. I found it. I am resisting to even thing about it. Is too much man. I wish she would help me more. Is so hard to even open the book.. never been like this before about anything else. IDK how to deal with it.

 

 

Havent checked other journals around here for over a month. Made me feel better about myself.

I havent checked my HS facebook account in 4 months i guess. I feel better, much better. I wanted to badly a few weeks ago.

Edited August 5, 2020 by Everyday

[Everyday]

On 05/08/2020 at 4:24 PM, Everyday said:

Still barely doing anything. Haven't drove a car on the street for three weeks. I am so ashamed of my laziness. I spoke about it with her. She said i need to find motivation within. I found it. I am resisting to even thing about it. Is too much man. I wish she would help me more. Is so hard to even open the book.. never been like this before about anything else. IDK how to deal with it.

 

Told her this last night. She didn't jump or start an argument. Just said i didn't want to stress you about it. She gave me some deadlines to finish reading etc- immediately i felt resentful and mean. She told me how she passed her exam before she was 18, 3 years ago bla bla. Didn't like hearing that again. Felt insecure and envious. She is trying to help me but i get surprised by my thoughts. I have to calm down or i would behave well with her. My first instinct and thoughts are to be mean most of the time. I wonder if this is who am I .....

Some days i feel in love and some days i just want space. Sometimes these kinds of feelings change after hours, days or sooner.

 

She had more partners than me, so i am insecure and ask to many questions in bed sometimes. I watched many vids and read articles online to get better. But it is frustrating, at times. Not sure if she really enjoys or is just faking it sometimes. Does she likes all of it? Feels like a new language i have to learn. I see her getting wet,, aroused but i am still suspicious.

 

She said she was never so invested emotionally as she's with me in her previous relationships. That she loves how caring and tender i am with her. That she was never asked what she enjoys in bed. I wonder why. She said she used to be cold in relationships. Sex was just sex. I wonder how she hasn't had a BF like me before? She had several but none like me? I mean is it true? How are other people in relationships?

 

She said once that she wont be able to keep me. Another, that i will get so annoyed with her i ll break up. Didn't know what to say to be honest. I said this will never happen.

 

It took her some time to open up about some of her traumas. I am curious sometimes what happened, the whole stories. But from selfish reasons, of comparing myself with them. I always tell only if she feels ok to. This made her trust me for not pushing her. To tell you the truth i dont see the big deal of her traumas. But neither she does about mine. I worry she will see me as weak if i open up to her about for example being bullied.

 

 

 

I am trying this thing i saw in a tv series, to let go of overthinking and re-living past mistakes, regrets, bad memories and so on. The more i tell myself x thing is over, move on! Forget about it! Pretend it never happened!- the more i realise how much time i waste re-living those memories and how much it affects my wellbeing. Living in the past is not easy. 

Edited August 6, 2020 by Everyday

[Everyday]

On 05/08/2020 at 4:24 PM, Everyday said:

She asked me what i wanna do with my degree. At first i didn't understand what was she actually talking about. The elephant in the room is that i want to leave the country in three years. She said she doesn't want to love me just for three years. I said i dont want to speak about this at the moment. The truth is that i cant get a job in my country in my field of interest. I will leave anyways to be honest. 

 We had this discussion and it was much better than last time. She said '' i am going to have you just for three years, aren't I?, well ok than''. She said she understands i am doing this for my career. I am sure she would do the same.  She wasn't angry anymore- i was surprised. She asked me what i am going to do with her when i leave- i said honestly i don't know; I didn't expect you meet someone like you yet....... Not sure how much of what i said is true or BS. But i am sure i am inexperienced and immature.

Edited August 19, 2020 by Everyday

[Everyday]

On 06/08/2020 at 7:20 PM, Everyday said:

On 05/08/2020 at 4:24 PM, Everyday said:

Still barely doing anything. Haven't drove a car on the street for three weeks. I am so ashamed of my laziness. I spoke about it with her. She said i need to find motivation within. I found it. I am resisting to even thing about it. Is too much man. I wish she would help me more. Is so hard to even open the book.. never been like this before about anything else. IDK how to deal with it.

 

Told her this last night. She didn't jump or start an argument. Just said i didn't want to stress you about it. She gave me some deadlines to finish reading etc- immediately i felt resentful and mean. She told me how she passed her exam before she was 18, 3 years ago bla bla. Didn't like hearing that again. Felt insecure and envious. She is trying to help me but i get surprised by my thoughts. I have to calm down or i would behave well with her. My first instinct and thoughts are to be mean most of the time. I wonder if this is who am I .....

I going to take the written driving exam this Friday, before we leave for the weekend to the beach.

Passed the simulation exams with indulgence and minimum grade.

Went through all curriculum and doing tests now. Making progress, compared with a few months and weeks ago i am finally passing most of them, even if it's with minimum grades.

I went with my gf to drive and i got really upset on myself and on her. She raised her voice at me for not driving well and resembled my father... I hated that. I dont want to be in a relationship with my father. I couldn't help but worry i will fail the exam, get upset i dont learn faster and be envious that she got her driver id way before me. I thought i am weak for being soo soft and struggling with this.

When i was 18 i wouldn't even dare to learn to drive. i didn't believe i could do it. At least now i am trying.

 

So i decided i will stop bitching and asking her for help with driving. I get super angry and upset and is just damaging our relationship. I cant control it. I will deal with it myself

[Everyday]

On 19/08/2020 at 11:10 AM, Everyday said:

I going to take the written driving exam this Friday

Passed the exam with a good grade. I am going to take the driving test on the streets on the 24th of September

 

 

On 19/08/2020 at 11:10 AM, Everyday said:

before we leave for the weekend to the beach.

That weekend was really cool. It was nice. We spoke about my desire to leave in 3 years again. She was pissed this time. I missed swimming and the beach.

Told her things i thought i will never tell her:

• that i liked her since we first time met at krav but didnt ask her out because i was afraid of rejection. Initially told her 
• that i compare myself with her exes, that i wonder if i am good in bed, whether they were better, etc
• that that's my first actual relationship and i dont know how to act sometimes. Is all new for me.
• that i was afraid she will leave me when she figures out i dont have sex and relationship experience, that i was afraid to bang her for not satisfying her good enough that she'll leave me
• told her i had sex with a girl once, four years ago and i didnt satisfy her and she criticised me for this. that since then i was really afraid to have sex again for not finding myself in the same position. 

These confessions made me feel closer to her.

• she told me how many girls would want me because i am tender, caring, etc. i didnt see myself as someone good enough for a relationship
• she said i deserve smth better than her, that she is afraid some girl with steal me from her because i am a good boyfriend.
• that i am good in bed and satisfy her; that she likes i put her first and im attentive to her needs and treat her well.
• that she always had a problem of comparing herself with her exes' past girlfriends. but with me, being my 1st she feels unique- never saw the situation like this. 

 

This week i turned 22!

• I passed my 1st year of university
• I am still insecure about not having more sex and relationship experience in general. But i got got practice during the almost 6 months together with my GF.
• The thing that bothers me the most is my low motivation, not being productive and postponing tasks soo much man. I want to change this now...
• My sis asked me what i want to achieve this year: i want to do tasks faster, get driver id and keep my relationship with GF.

 

 

Edited September 3, 2020 by Everyday

[Everyday]

hey 

 

I'll start swimming lessons this Thursday.

Going to search for a place to do kinetotherapy treatment for my back.

Got my first two emails back from the companies i emailed some time ago for the 1st internship. i am helping them with sales. I am learning. Looks exciting.

My hemp plant is producing lots of seeds. I am so happy. 

Stared making kombucha last week. I am so excited! I already got a new SCOBY

[Everyday]

Hey

I started a fight/argument with my GF last Sunday, a few days ago... It was my fault i got angry about some stupid shit and made a scene- again. Is the second time i get angry and overreact before hearing her explanations. I ignored her when she needed my help. Long story short she is pondering whether she wants to be with me or not. She said she had enough, the problem is that is the second time is happening and she has no guaranties i wont get angry and overreact on some small stuff again. She said what if she will have another big problem and i wont be there for her...

I barely messaged her after we argued on Monday. we spoke a little on Wednesday but not about our fight. Called her a few hours ago and realised how much damage i have done.

 

She also complained about my lack of motivation and purpose. And all she said was true, i knew it deep down but lied and made myself to forget over and over. Hack, not long after that conversation that my mind already made me forget about it. I cried when this flux of bottled emotions and worries hit me.

And the more i thought the more i wanted to write about each detail about my lack of motivation, drive and motivation. But wouldn't want to do the work. I actually got upset on her for reminding me this- i am a mess. Now, i want to be sad, moody and write a lot about this subject across all categories of my life. Anything but actually taking action for my future, what i want from life and so on...

[Everyday]

On 18/09/2020 at 0:36 AM, Everyday said:

Hey

I started a fight/argument with my GF last Sunday, a few days ago... It was my fault i got angry about some stupid shit and made a scene- again. Is the second time i get angry and overreact before hearing her explanations. I ignored her when she needed my help. Long story short she is pondering whether she wants to be with me or not. She said she had enough, the problem is that is the second time is happening and she has no guaranties i wont get angry and overreact on some small stuff again. She said what if she will have another big problem and i wont be there for her...

I barely messaged her after we argued on Monday. we spoke a little on Wednesday but not about our fight. Called her a few hours ago and realised how much damage i have done.

 

>>>>Also, made another stupid mistake and she got upset again not long after i wrote this entry

Oh man..... it was a a horrible week, an emotional rollercoaster. It never was so miserable in my life. We met eventually, two days later than it was initially discussed. Those two days of waiting, especially the one before we met f2f it was hell. Couldn't focus on anything but get distracted of doubts, thoughts, overanalysing every single gesture and message, getting from hope to despair in a matter of hours. I felt strong urges to drink but i resisted. I have no idea how. I drank for less before.

 

Long story short she forgave me but said she needs time to get over it. Being cold is and was an act. It scared me how she got from behaving cold to warm to the other. I realised i need her more than she needs me.

 

I was smart to wait and not make another stupid nonsense outburst of complaints. We spoke every day since i posted the message. Apparently, she forgave me otherwise she wouldn't have spoke with me daily even if she was cold and distant. To be honest i wasn't sure. She said if she didn't want to continue the relationship she would have blocked me right after we argued. Her parents criticised her for choosing me as her boyfriend. They said she made a bad choice and other stuff.

Be the end of the days i waited for her response i realised i dont want to be for years and years with her. That probably i should have taken advantage of the argument and left her- i will.. eventually. I realised i dont like many things at her and so on. I realised i am feeding my insecurities with her acceptance of me. Is very toxic. I am tolerating her and changing myself for her to get more and more of her approval. When she said i disappointed her i felt an urge to prove her wrong. Is toxic. Even if i wanted her back i see now it would have been better for me long term if we broke up. I was also afraid to be alone again. 

I see i care more of what she thinks of me than my own happiness. It's not good...

On our 1st date, when she told me about her abusive ex i knew she isn't what i want. But i got surprised by the attention and affection she gave me, never got this from anyone before. I learned so much in the last 6 months. I feel stupid i didnt end it now. I will eventually, what good to delay?

 

On 18/09/2020 at 0:36 AM, Everyday said:

She also complained about my lack of motivation and purpose.

Working on this. Is so damn hard man. I am trying to do courses on facebook ads and start applying for a job in this domain in the following months. The fear of loosing and disappointing her is stronger than the motivation of doing what i like as a job.

Oh and the underlying reason for her complaints about my lack of purpose: told her i might leave to work abroad in 3 years. And that she felt used. Like after 3 years i will get rid of her or smth. And that she needs stability. She doesn't know if i will leave or not. She ended another relationship because they chose to study in different cities. I knew right after she told me i will have to tell her i wanna leave but i stil l want to be with her some more time. 

The things i dont like about her behaviour and personality.. will only get worse in the following months. I know i didnt make the right choice long term but...

 

 

Edited September 27, 2020 by Everyday

[Everyday]

 

On 27/09/2020 at 3:38 PM, Everyday said:

Long story short she forgave me but said she needs time to get over it. Being cold is and was an act. It scared me how she got from behaving cold to warm to the other. I realised i need her more than she needs me.

Be the end of the days i waited for her response i realised i dont want to be for years and years with her. That probably i should have taken advantage of the argument and left her- i will.. eventually. I realised i dont like many things at her and so on. I realised i am feeding my insecurities with her acceptance of me. Is very toxic. I am tolerating her and changing myself for her to get more and more of her approval. When she said i disappointed her i felt an urge to prove her wrong. Is toxic. Even if i wanted her back i see now it would have been better for me long term if we broke up. I was also afraid to be alone again. 

Since this entry i kept feeling everything from hope and despair. Three weeks later she didn't get over it. I realized is her problem. She's too pretentious and too radical about that mistake. I made a mistake but is not ok to be treated like this.

She told me she loves me but then she just cares but she loves me etc. just a contradictory rollercoaster of explanations. 

Tried to speak about it again and she got upset and whatever i said and did was my fault. Seemed she saw faults in everything i said.

I just couldn't wait to leave from her place last two times... 

I feel i am played and manipulated. On our way to her place last time i passed by HS. Found myself in a relationship i am not happy with but too afraid to leave again. But this time is worse since is a romantic relationship not friends. I hate myself for staying with people like them. In the car she kept talking and she told me things made me more convinced to break up.

 

Spoke with my siblings about the whole situation first time ever. Only my sister knew a little. And they both said she took advantage that i care of her, that i should move on, that i am letting her treat me like she wants, that she is overreacting and should have got over it already. Brother said she will keep acting like this and worse. That the relationship is over.

They are right. I gave her way too much attention and appolgized way too much. Three weeks later she still didnt get over it. And instead of being colder i just got warmer and warmer to the point of humiliation hoping to make amends for my mistake. But is her fault shes so drastic. The more i try to fix things the worse it gets. Going to be colder and colder. I am tired. This whole situation drains me.

Now, when we speak i am worried what to say because she complains whatever i say. Cant talk with her about this problem because she flips. Wish i didnt care.

 

I imagined someone else going through my situation. I thought what a stupid dude! Move on! Realised i am afraid i wont find another gf. That i am desperate and that's why i clanged on a girl liking me. I would tell to that person exactly what it everyone else told me. I realised i care way too much of how she sees me than i care of myself. I just want to please her.

 

 

Edited October 7, 2020 by Everyday

[Everyday]

i updated the last entry in this journal about my relationship.

 

updates:

• had the driving exam last week and i failed. going to have the next one in november. 
• started uni online. i hate it. very boring and i realised i cant use this degree to get a job. what i am interested about horticulture isnt studied in university. i started a facebook ads course. i am still lazy and is going slow. i want to get a job at an ad agency and stop working for my parents.
• did more experiments with plants etc last few weeks. still isnt enough

[Everyday]

On 06/10/2020 at 1:52 PM, Everyday said:

Spoke with my siblings about the whole situation first time ever. Only my sister knew a little. And they both said she took advantage that i care of her, that i should move on, that i am letting her treat me like she wants, that she is overreacting and should have got over it already. Brother said she will keep acting like this and worse. That the relationship is over.

Her job resignation got accepted. Next week is her last day. So she will go home since her university is online. I said okay whatever is good for you. But obviously I'm not ok with this.

 

Spoke again with my siblings again. I see more clearly that isnt ok to end a relationship because some argument. That is her problem too. Funny my brother's gf said who the fuck she thinks she is? To treat you like that and not getting over some argument. And she's right. How can we have a relationship if she breaks up so easily? And he said what i knew deep down, that she is exactly like my father, cant see his own faults. But she's worse actually. I dont want to be with a person who resembles him and i knew it from the beginning.
 

Told them i am upset because i spent 3 weeks trying to make her forgive me and just wasted time. Brother said is ok im learning. And that now, that i am a little colder she seems more concerned she'll loose me than when i was nice. My brother said that's how things work but i really thought if i keep being there for her and i am sweet she'll get over it. Apparently wont.

 

I see now i shouldn't not have put her happiness before mine. That isnt ok she puts all this pressure on me even if shes the one who cant get over my mistake regardless how hard i tried. That she is manipulating me. I wouldnt tolerate the thought that she will fuck someone else if i break up with her. But is normal and i have to accept she'll move on; I'll do to. I am just desperate i wont find someone else. 

I should relax and if this relationship is going to survive so be it. Brother said wtf she needs to get over? I didnt cheat her; is just and argument. He said she is toxic for me. That i deserve a calmer girl. That isnt worth it if i am the only one trying.

 

They asked me again if i see myself with her in the future. i said no! i am 100%of this. than he said to break up now since he sees me consuming myself so much and being miserable. I decided to wait until she leaves to make a choice.

I said i see myself as stupid for agreeing to wait for her, seeing each other once a month and stuff until next year in spring when the semester begins and maybe will be at uni. They said they dont see the point for me to have a long distance relationship if i dont want to be with her for longer really.

I just needed to hear all of this.

Edited October 10, 2020 by Everyday

[Everyday]

On 06/10/2020 at 1:52 PM, Everyday said:

She told me she loves me but then she just cares but she loves me etc. just a contradictory rollercoaster of explanations. 

A week after our fight she told me she loves me but is hard for her to say it. After a week she told me she cares of me and didn't get over it. At the beginning of this week she said she loves me but is hard for her to say it. From that day didn't tell her I love you or i miss you and was colder. After a few days of treating her like this she told me last night she loves and misses me without me saying it first or smth. I laughed and said what a surprise. She asked me to say it too because is our 7 months anniversary. Really said she is getting warmer as i am getting fad up with her behaviour.

 

She even said she'll come next weekend to visit me since she doesn't want to end the relationship just because she's moving back home. She already negotiated with her mom to let her spent NYE with me even if her mom hates me now- i wanted to say is too early idk if we'll be together until then. 

 

I thought how stupid my mom is for being with my father who never admits his own mistakes when they have a fight. I would never thought i will be that stupid to be in a relationship with a conceited person, actually worse than my father. Never thought i will love her. I see i am no smarter than my mom...