165 Days Before College

[Everyday]

Hey

Woke up at 9, wasted some time on Instagram and Facebook. Added a bunch of words to anki. 

Smoothie with blackberries, spirulina, hazelnut butter and two eggs.

Feeling down today.

[Everyday]

Hey

Drove yesterday for less than one hour. Hanged out with my family.

Waiting for my work colleagues to have time for a meeting.

I coughed last two days. Said i will work from home. I hope my boss isnt mad.

[LarryJustin]

I'm a college student. I'm studying at National University 3rd year. Most of the time I need someone help to write my research paper for me. How do you complete your daily assignment? Do you hire someone from another source? This time, I am thinking of a second-hand because of my business. I have heard about Study Clerk a little bit https://studyclerk.com/write-research-paper-for-me Also heard they are good at writing research paper for others. 

[Everyday]

Hey

Fell asleep at work a few times. I was careful not to be seen =)))))))))))

Some more mistakes and so on.

Ate junk food.

Cooked lots of meat!

Ate with my flatmates. Four of them are leaving tomorrow. 

I bought smth to treat my sweating, Last month i started to smell after walking for just 20 min to work. 

Found a korean shop and bought seaweed

[Everyday]

Hey

Almost at tired as yesterday at work. Procrastinated a bunch on my work. Slept a little too. I need to look over my accounts and come up with some conclusions. I postpone doing it.

During break hour went to buy tea and food with two colleagues from work. Even if it wasnt far it took them one hour to be done. I didnt get mad. I didnt care at some degree that i wasted one hour of my life for that. That is the problem in my life. That i dont care of my time and money enough.

 

I kept coughing worse and worse.

 

I will go running Friday alone. Apparently most of my colleagues are busy or dont want to join this week. Including one of my bosses. I dont mind. Oh, i received a sweater with the google logo on it from my boss for running. Cool. 

 

Felt frustrated at massage class cuz i didn't learn the previous lessons better. 

 

It would be cool if i could work remotely. Maybe i can do freelancing and travel like the guys around. Would be cool. I saw this possibility last night at dinner with all of them. Some are doing that. I imagined myself doing this and it made my mind race! Imagine, me traveling and working! Wow!

 

What else? I feel frustrated not pushing myself to do more stuff. I could, i know that. I have this free time on my hands and this scares me.

 

 

 

Going to pay my last rent this month in this house. I feel both glad i came here and got new ideas to grow but also stupid i could have saved money and still grow from home. But 5 months ago i was really stuck. Is funny i had to pay rent a shitload of money to see some of my bullshit.

 

More covid restrictions over here. 

 

Lately: more fapping and less cold showers.

 

 

 

Going to work out tomorrow morning. I feel excited. I ll do 50 variations of push ups. 

 

 

I bought some treatment for my sweating. I need to use it every 5 days. Today it worked. I started to smell from sweat too quickly and is too annoying. 

 

 

It scares me to think of what i can do with my life. I am indeed young. I feel so much responsibility on my hands. I have to choose each day how i live my life. It is overwhelming. 

 

 

I m not excited to start uni

 

 

I have to go to a family event tomorrow. Dont know what to expect.

 

At the end of next month i finish this massage module. I will afford to pay for the next one by my own. 

 

 

 

 

A guy i used to hang out and take drugs and drink in NL messaged me yesterday. He is coming over to my city. Asked him to let me know when he arrives. I thought of myself from back then. Two years ago. Some things didnt change

 

 

Edited September 22, 2021 by Everyday

[Everyday]

hey 

 

 

 

[Everyday]

https://www.imdb.com/name/nm1869101/?ref_=tt_ov_st

[Everyday]

Hey

 

Got a covid test and it was negative. I was relieved. 

 

 

Didnt work a bit yesterday. 

 

 

Arrived late to meet with parents. They celebrated 25 years of marriage at church. Just their godfathers came and my grandma. Of course besides my siblings' s.o. 

After this ceremony my parents stared arguing as always. Nothing changed.

A priest asked who is the sibling with a gf and then look down on me for not having a gf as well. He said why dont you have a gf like you brother? Dont you want one? Do you have facebook? Everyone looked at me with superiority.

Then, they congratulated my sister for being with her bf, who might or not become a priest. 

I felt like shit. Utter shit.

 

We had dinner later. After my brother's gf left whole my family started saying how much they hate her lol. 

I ate and drank like a pig.

 

TODAY

Woke up late and struggled to go to work.

Continued to feel like shit. Checked some pics from last year this day. I was miserable. Some things dont change so fast.

Doing some work now. I want to run in the park later today.

 

Meeting with friends later today. One of them is going abroad to find work. One of them said he might not join because is Friday night and his gf wont let him.

 

 

 

Update-

 

Went running but felt very tired and fatigued. I had to take several breaks. Took my first after one round and a half of the park. Idk. Maybe because i ate a few h prior? I took three rounds around the park but with several breaks. 

Went three times up and down the stairs. Arrived home and the owners asked me to take a covid test at a clinic because another girl is coughing in the house. Took a shower.

 

Met with friends. They complimented my haircut, watch and hoodie. 

They spoke of same things of traveling the world and whatever. I kind sat around them. I see that i was away for 4 years. We spoke more shit and had fun. Blah blah.

Edited September 24, 2021 by Everyday

[Everyday]

Hey

Saturday

 Didnt do much. Took a covid test at a clinic and god negative. Paid too much for that.

Went home and drove. Hanged with family. Felt weird i didnt have what to do at home. It was too late for hardening and felt resistant to read smth.

 

 

 

 

Sunday

Went to watch a ballet play with some housemates. I was amazed by the work they put in! Live music and so on. Surprising. 

Afterwards, we had lunch. While i was eating i got a calendar notification written on 22nd of July: " message ex and say you understand now what being busy means blah blah blah". I dismissed the reminder and i thought is stupid lol. I wanted to message her at midnight when is her b-day but what is the point ?

 

Someone else is leaving from here soon. Hanged with her for a few hours.

I thought more of what i want to do with my life. I will be 30 in seven years. So much i want to do by then. Imagine the stress i havent done enough. What will i feel at 30???????  Makes me feel scared. This thoughts makes me feel inadequate about everything. Hard to enjoy life when i am thinking i should have used my time better.

 

Another guy from uni in NL is coming to my city at the end of the month to visit. 

 

 

I want to go to laser tag with some ppl from the house in two weeks. Invited friends from HS. They were like i donnoo know if i will come blah blah blah. Yeah, that's why i have different friends for different purposes lol.

 

Drove with brother. I felt very scared while driving today. 

 

 

 

What else? Feeling not good enough and comparing with ex.  Compared with other ppl as well. Not new info on that either. blah blah

[Everyday]

ehy

 

Last night drank with the girl i went in vacation twice. She is living tomorrow. 

 

Tired at work. I was supposed to finish a campaign my Monday but i didnt even check my email. 

Massage course was alright. felt bad not studying more. I asked another new person to make my team with.

 

Told ex happy b-day on facebook. To my surprise she responded and said thank you blah. I remembered i hated my life before, after her. I hated not having x or done y. Some of those things didnt change even know. I concluded is not about her. Is about me not having what i want. Is about building the life i want to have. So my problem was i was sharing a life i hated with another person. I can fix all of those points at some degree.

 

What else?

My sister arrived in Italy. Friend from HS is going abroad too. 

Wear a shirt at work and discovered a new way to wax my haircut to last longer.

 

[Everyday]

Hey

 

Drank again with flatmates. Went to bed late and woke up tired. Was late at work one hour.

I feel really down and sad today. Going to keep pushing myself.

 

Waiting for Thursday to run again. Waiting to work out again. To go home and drive. To work on my problems.

[Everyday]

hey

 

some other days feeling bad. my mood is shifting a lot. i feel like shit constantly. i am not patient at all. i cant stand myself anymore. going through the day is getting harder and harder.

today wasnt an exception.

 

Two rounds and a half of running in the park with my work colleagues. Didnt take a break this time. Stairs and pushups. I felt amazing while running. No sprint this time.

I thought of running more often. I really like it. 

 

 

 

 

I was glad to noticed improvements in my muscular mass around chest and arms. I think i have been exercising for two months.

 

Getting my salary tomorrow. I have a month left living here. Another month passed already.

Edited September 30, 2021 by Everyday

[Everyday]

Hey

 

Fell asleep around 3 or 4 am. Woke up tired and said ill work from home. Woke up again at 11 and lingered in bed until 13 o'clock. Watched a bunch of movie recaps. Ate around 15:00. 

Cleaned my room 1st time in weeks. 

 

Did absolutely nothing for work. 

 

Starting uni next week blah.

 

Added seaweed to my cooking mix and is horrible. 

 

Did 100 abs exercises today after a few days without doing them

 

Havent been to BJJ in a while. 

[Everyday]

Hey 

Lots of fapping lately. Lots of negative things going around my head. I have trouble going to sleep. 

 

 

 

I was tying my shoes on the hallway to leave when one of the Erasmus girls from there came out of her room. She was wearing just a towal as well as her boyfriend.

Went to the mall. Looked around a lot. Thinking how much I can afford to buy and what is worth it to spend my money on. Bought three pair of shoes and two shirts. I felt weird buying those pairs because they seemed too nice for me to wear. Funny, isn't it? 

Went home afterwards. My father was insulting mom as always. Mom was busy texting a friend of hers. It was hard to keep a conversation with her. 

Mom asked me how am I. I said very tired. Felt embarrassed to tell her I feel I haven't done enough with my life so far and my struggles at the moment. She wouldn't understand. 

 

 

When she finished she told me smth funny. The priest who asked me if I had a gf last time at church asked mom about my FB to meet wiht a girl. Lol. He said he knows a girl just right for me. I laughed. Sure, one of those girls who want to wait until marriage for sex, right? Hahahah

Edited October 1, 2021 by Everyday
Updates

[Everyday]

Hey

 

 

I fucked the clutch pedal of my car again . Not bad enough to replace it yet. Jesus! I am so fucking stupid. My father is mad again.

 

 

 

 

 

Went to bed at 3. I watched a movie in the kitchen, drank soda and ate popcorn. I prepared dried leaves of basil from my garden for chopping and storage. It took forever. I have to take off the other ones as well.

Woke up late. Went in the kitchen after working out and laying in my bed on IG like a potato. My mother was asking my father to treat her better. He was laughing at this. I was feeling down for waking up late. I said yeah she is right or smth like that. Didn't matter anyways.

My brother was very annoyed nobody from our family likes his girlfriend =)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

 

 

This week is my sister BF's b-day. My family and I asked sister what should we get him as a present. She told us mostly very expensive stuff. Got smth for him but sister said he wont like it. I also got another shirt for myself. Is better quality that the other two i bought. I wanted this shirt for some time.

 

 

 

I am noticing these moments of emptiness and silence in everyday moments. Each time i feel trapped. I feel like drowning. Is just nothingness. Just some moment with no meaning and no purpose. Just silence. Just living in the present, moment by moment, day by day and for what? Feels like torture. 

 

I find it very hard to be happy in the present moment. But when i worked out today i felt good. Just pushups and 100 abs. I didnt get sore muscles from running a few days ago. I was surprised. 

 

 

I went cycling with brother and his gf. I only invited brother but she came along. She kept complaining. It was very fucking annoying but didn't say a thing. She was like: OMG this road is so bumpy, this road is made of stones, this road is blah blah blah, i don't want to go uphiiiiill agaaaaain, you are riding to faaaaaast =)))))))))))

 I swear that's how she was like all that time. Dont know how my brother tolerates her. She annoyed me a lot. 

 

 

I didn't fap today.

Wont go tomorrow at university.

I studied for the massage course last few lessons. It was very hard to focus. Just kept thinking i am shit and i so on. I didnt manage to get as much as i wanted done.

 

I am finding myself trying to do smth for the day to pass at work. I hate it. I just feel stupid not doing stuff for my accounts. I feel stupid for not looking over them. 

 

 

I am just feeling down so often, man. I feel like a pice of shit. I feel impatient to see more results faster. I just feel defeated. 

 

Edited October 3, 2021 by Everyday

[Everyday]

On 19/09/2021 at 8:57 AM, Everyday said:

I looked over my notes from last page. Found new meaning in this one.

[Everyday]

Hey

Went to bed late and woke up feeling like utter shit. Just couldn't. I dragged my body to work. Arrived one hour later. Horrible morning. Really helped that i ironed some clothes last night. 

As soon as i arrived i started working. No instagram or writing in my notes how shit i feel. To my amazement i felt better. Like much, much better. Didn't even notice IG and FB have made me feel worse. I feel like a big burden lifted from my chest. Uh. I did check it once but still. Same for whats app. Checking it too often lately.

Arrived home after massage and did some more work. I was lazy on Friday and didn't prepare shit for the meeting i had today with a client. I was stupid. 

 

Oh, the massage course will be from 4.30 to 7.30pm. I wont be able to attend much lol. All because covid.

 

I think i will go to uni on Wednesday or Thursday.

 

Oh i also logged to an online course today. I forgot how much i liked not going to uni all summer.  Man, so much BS! I started making fun of professors and colleagues with my friend from university.

Also, i read the shit my colleagues kept posting on the group chat for like a month. 700+ messages. Just utter garbage. 

 

 

 

I feel like meditating and shit now. Like reading a book and so on. Man, i feel much better. Just wanted to feel like this for months. I didnt because i was watching tv recaps, IG and FB and so on. Also, fapping. Going to reduce these things. I feel more grounded. Less restless. Less insecure. Just working on my shit. 

 

 

 

[Everyday]

HeyHey

Went to bed at 2am

Woke up like a zombie and barely made it out of bed. Got ready and arrived there at 9:40. 

The meeting with that client went better. I was proud. Learned a lot. I could focus better at work for some reason. Didnt use FB, IG or wrote down how i feel. Also, i noticed when i am stressed and have smth to do the day goes by faster and i am not stuck in my head. I think it helps that university started and i have the massage course, running and so on. 

Going at uni on Thursday. 

 

Went laser tag with some ppl from this house and their friends. Asked my HS friends as well. One said he cant join and the others just said let's meet another time just us. Dont think they like meeting new ppl. I said ok. Dont think they will go next time. Whatever. 

Laser tag was fun. One of the guys asked us what we doing, working or studying. I said both. One of them said i am an overachiever. I dont know what to say about this. Looking over my life so far that is far from the truth. 

 

My sister's BF invited us to his b-day. I will go but i dont think i will stay until the end. Dont like his friends. 

 

 

What else? The b-day of one of my HS friends is also this weekend. Dont think he will organise anything and i am glad. I am already going to once place.

 

 

Edited October 5, 2021 by Everyday

[Everyday]

Hey

 

Went running in the park yesterday evening alone. It was cold and windy. I was very tired and just run one lap and a few set of stairs back and forth. Also a short sprint.

I feel tired.

 

What else?

Went to uni. I was bored to death.

I ordered to food and fapped, tv series, and wasting time generally. Felt very guilty. 

I didn't feel my best lately. 

 

I wore this nice shirt i bought last week at work this Wednesday. I was surprised ppl do notice some things even if they dont say. Interesting.

 

I was thinking what haircut to get next. I dont like the sides now. The difference is too sharp.

 

I am not happy to start university. It makes me stressed with work and all.

I got a little better with clients at work. Really happy about this. I feel good about it. I want to get better.

 

I hate a list i write down courses to take. I was thinking of a courses about: cooking, bartending, nutrition and so on. Each of them is like 6 months. Imagine how awesome it is i can take two per year. Imagine what i can do in 5-8 years. This brings me a little more happiness. Doing stuff and achievements.  

 

 

Edited October 8, 2021 by Everyday

[Everyday]

Hey

 

I had a meeting with my boss. I told him i plan to go to uni twice a week. Switching days every week. He was not happy about it. He wants me to work harder and be at work more often. He said he isn't happy with our performance. 

He asked me if i will stay after college to work for them. He wasnt happy i will leave for three months next summer. I wanted to leave for 9 months so i cant if i want to keep working here. Also, good that i stayed here this summer. I would have returned without remembering shit lol.

I felt like shit about myself. I should have revised my PPC notes more often. I have no idea what is the macro reasons behind my work on campaigns. 

 

Went to massage course afterwards. It was shit. I forgot a lot and got a 3/10 on that test. I was supposed to study....

 

I want to do more stuff but cant do them well. I am mediocre at work. I want to get better.

 

Yesterday didnt work out because my back hurt. I should have maybe. Didn't drive either. Didn't have my glasses. I felt like shit not driving. I should have..

 

Woke up tired as fuuuuuuck. Barely made it out of bed lol. I was miserable. 

 

I wanted to also start a cooking class but i dont have the money for it right now.

 

 

I realised lately that i miss sex, tenderness and affection. 

 

 

 

Edited October 11, 2021 by Everyday
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