165 Days Before College

[Everyday]

Hey

 

21 hours ago, Everyday said:

She still didn't replay to my last message from last night. I didn't get insane about it like last time. I have to accept i don't have enough good reasons to get back with her. I have to leave her alone. Tomorrow i am going to message her 3 times to see if she is alright after and before her second vaccine. Not going to message her afterwards until her b-day this autumn.

 

No replay on wapp and is alright. I don't have to feel negative feelings from being with her and so on. Is better this way. I will find another

 

Messaged her on her phone and she thanked me for wishing her good luck at her vaccine. Messaged back and forth. She was cold. That was it. She felt ok after the vaccine. Everything is fine.

 

21 hours ago, Everyday said:

On 11/05/2021 at 0:04 AM, Everyday said:

That SEO girl is still giving me looks but i don't know why. She didn't want to go out with me. Idk what she is thinking. Is a mystery.

She keeps starring at me. I stopped locking eyes with her. I have no idea if she likes me or not but if she did she would have accepted a date. IDK.

I spoke a little with her at lunch. We don't have any chemistry between us. Cant even find a thing to speak about with her. Is much easier to speak with my other female colleagues from work even if they have a BF. Is super easy to speak with them. Conversation is just flowing.

Same thing today. I have no idea what is going in her mind. I dont see any point in keeping asking her out. Why would i make it difficult to be at work by having a girl a will break up with her at some point. Why would i bring that shit at work? No point. I feel relaxed and have fun most of the time at work.

 

 

21 hours ago, Everyday said:

Yesterday, after work i just ate and got drunk and watched tv series. 

I m too tired for that atm. I want to lay in bed a little more. Wanted to work in my garden a little more. 

 

 

Parents and siblings made some jokes about me moving out. Not anything else. They ll get used to the idea. They think i will never see them again or some shit. 

Edited May 12, 2021 by Everyday

[Everyday]

Cant wait to move from home.

 

Was very boring at university. Went to work afterwards. I am tired af.

I am sitting in bed again. tv series?

 

Checked fb and insta a little. Didn't check her profile in a few days.

 

Still didnt fap. 

[Everyday]

Day 9 of no fap

I miss sex, being tender and saying sweet things. I miss that a lot. The cost to get back with my ex is far too great. I know it

 

i drunk again. Not like last time anyways. i feel 

[Everyday]

9 hours ago, Everyday said:

Day 9 of no fap

I miss sex, being tender and saying sweet things. I miss that a lot. The cost to get back with my ex is far too great. I know it

 

i drunk again. Not like last time anyways. i feel 

I was close to fap. Very close.

Got drunk and felt like shit.

I wanted to message my ex again but i convinced myself to abstain. I am glad i didnt. 

 

I think the problem is that i feel inadequate to be alone again. Last time we got back together we didnt see each other f2f for two months. I have to stop these thoughts. They make me sad and unstable. I am afraid i wont find another gf thus i should get my ex back and shut up - toxic thinking - i will find at some moment in my life. I got her back last year and i am still here bitching. Buying more time with her wont fix my problems or frustrations.

[Everyday]

On 14/05/2021 at 6:51 AM, Everyday said:

I was close to fap. Very close.

Got drunk and felt like shit.

I wanted to message my ex again but i convinced myself to abstain. I am glad i didnt. 

That was because after i arrived home i watched tv series and nothing else. I didnt do anything productive. 

Yesterday, i arrived home and worked in the garden. I was so happy. After dark i got drunk and watched tv series.

I remembered that i can move on, i can make each day nice and productive. And i will find another gf eventually. But until than i have stuff to do that will make me the man i want to be.

 

Yesterday, i was thinking of the good things that i have now after that break up. Dont forget about them. I was nice to her for a month after the break up. Now, i can move on.

 

 

 

Woke up and checked my phone. No message from her. Good. Move on with your day and keep feeling relieved.

[Everyday]

Hey 

 

Got more aromatic plants and flowers for my mom.

 

Didn't fap today either. But god, i wanted. Maybe i just wanted to feel bad.

 

Went swimming. Thought of my ex and how many things i dont like in my life. 

 

I noticed i keep saying stories from 2-3 years ago. 

 

I started reading the Shadow and bone books. I saw the series on Netflix and loved it. The books is soo much better and i am only at the beginning.

 

While i was trimming the roses in my garden i got bit by smth. My left hand still hurts. It is red and swollen.

 

Going on Tuesday to take the second vaccine dose.

 

I am excited to move from my home. It bothers me when i meet new ppl to say i still live with my parents at home. Also, i want more freedom. 

 

 

I while i was running errands in the city today i felt afraid i wont another girl to love me because i dont have a ton of sex and relationship experience. Had other reasons as well. I thought no oder girl will want and love me and i have no choice now, but to get back with my ex. I felt good about it. If i am still thinking of her maybe i did truly love her in my way. I do not know. I thought that she loves me and i miss her telling me how much i mean for her.

Arrived home and thought more about it. Realised that is not ok for long term. Yes, i feel lonely and i miss sex, being tender and having a gf. But that is not a reason to get back with her.

After some time i felt guilty and trapped - like i already got back with her - thinking that that is my life now until next year. That i will meet a new girl than - magically. That some white knight girl will save me from everything and make my life amazing. 

I think i am using wanting to get back together to post-pone my life progress and avoid dealing with meeting new girls. I avoid dealing with my fears of dating by getting back with my ex.

Even if i just wrote everything  i still feel like i already am stuck with her. That i have to shut up for another year to get love from her. I realised that being loved in a relationship is not everything. Last 6 months i was still frustrated she doesn't spend more time with me and that she is all the time busy even if she loved me. So i would end up in the same spot after just one year.

 

I am happy that in the end i didnt message her. 

 

 

 

 

Edited May 15, 2021 by Everyday

[Everyday]

Have been drinking again.

My friend said two days ago that if i am still speaking about her after one month i must still love her or smth like that. That is true. Or not. I am not sure.

 

Thought last 2 days i should get back to her. Changed my mind over and over.

 

We had our good times. I am sad for over a month. Maybe there is more to my ex relationship than i am willing to admit. I want her back even if i know i will be wrong in a few months. I can use my free time to do productive stuff ... even if i am still complaining about her busy schedule. 

 

Got drunk again as i am writing this. I am looking back on recorded videos of her. Thinking it was not that bad and shit. Still cant let her go apparently........

 

 

 

Bought new plants. Went to uni to volunteer to some event to get rid of that missed practice day a few weeks ago. It was fun. More fun than i expected. 

 

Didn't fap today. I wish i did. I feel good yet thirsty. Looking at girls asses and things like beautiful works of art. Hypnotic. 

Edited May 16, 2021 by Everyday

[Everyday]

Woke up this morning and felt it was a mistake to want her back. I was glad I didn't message her last night when I was drunk. 

 

I am better without her. Yet, still feel bad and I am not 100% sure why. I'm not sure from which areas these feelings are coming from. 

Edited May 17, 2021 by Everyday

[Everyday]

Planted after work the herbs i got yesterday. I m very proud of myself. I helped my father in the garden afterwards.

I have labs at uni and i should go. Don't want to.

 

2 weeks of no fap. Haven't done this since last year. I feel better. I am tempted to fap and feel bad after drinking and overeating. 

 

 

All good at work. Focused much better. I hate spending money each day at work to buy food. Is tasty and delicious but it doesn't make me feel good i am spending so much. Prepared food from home. Very good. Around 4 got hungry. Ate some nuts and everything was fine.

 

 

 

Thought more of her. Maybe there is more than just sex to it. Messaged her today after work. She replayed immediately. We will meet this Sunday to speak. Dont know how to feel about it. I do feel happy but also concerned of the things i dont like about her. I do feel happy but also concerned and worried.

Anyhow, after i arrived home i was being lazy in my bad and thought is her fault or smth. Nonsense. I was the one wasting time. Went in the garden and felt better. 

 

I thought of telling her i feel frustrated with her at times and that i wish to live abroad in NL or BE for a few years. I might not leave or come back after a few years. But i do want to leave. We can be together until i leave. I m curious how she will take it. If she doesn't want this i will move on.

 

 

 

 

On Saturday my grandma was over as well as my siblings' parters. They all looked down on me for moving from home. They looked at me like i am so stupid child. I hated the way they spoke to me. They all live with their parents. They looked with disgust i am moving with a couple just to not live with my parents at home. They made fun of me and said i will regret it. They might be envious. I guess they are.

 

It bothers me a lot the way they behaved with me. I wish i sad something to them. I didn't defend myself much. I should have.

Edited May 17, 2021 by Everyday

[Everyday]

Hey

 

That SEO girl I still staring at me. Yet, one speak to me or make the conversation going. On the other hand, the other girls from the office are asking me how am I and asking questions. I am really happy I asked her out at least. That I am not waiting for months to ask her out like I did before. It feels good to know. That I am not frustrated for months not knowing what she might say. 

 

Got my second those of vaccine yesterday. It was OK. Expected to feel worse. My hand hurts now. Not much else. 

 

Me and the girls from ppc who got hired in the same time did a google search and shopping test together. The bosses were assisting us. It was bad. They said they don't trust us wiht accounts yet because we don't know the theory very well. I felt like shit. 

 

 

Have a test tomorrow at uni. Came home last night and watched TV series only. Felt really bad. 

Have some labs I should attend to. I was at work. I should have went to uni this morning. I went to bed late because I was thinking of her. I blame myself. Woke up at 6.20 am and decided to go back to sleep. 

 

 

No message from her to ask how my vaccine was. I was surprised. Thought more if it was a mistake to message her. I don't know. Realized I used her as distraction to run from my life problems. Interesting. Thought I will feel much better if I am back with her. I have almost the same problems as before. I am curious what she'll say this Saturday. I am trying to be productive and not waste time and expect to fill it thinking or blaming her. 

 

I am pissed on myself for not finding a better girl and wanting to go back to my ex. Not looking forward to some aspects of our relationship. Not looking forward to wait for her to get over the fact I dumped her. 

I thought of telling her how frustrated I was being with her in the past. How difficult is to be with her yet I am trying. I'd like to see her doing the same thing. Maybe It will make a difference. 

 

 

Spoke with that couple form the 1st internship again. The room is going to be free on the 3rd of June. They said they are excited to move with them. It feels a little a scarry now that I am actually doing this. 

Not sure if I will move with her or not in the near future. For now, I am going forward to move alone. I am not sure how the things will be like in the next weeks and months. 

 

 

I am overall not liking that I have to wait for Saturday to know if she wants to be with me again or not. I am not proud of me I chose her again. I know is a mistake even if I might still love her and so on. I feel very resistant to wokr on myself. Meditated but hard to focus. Still thinking of her when I am at work. Got lost in sex fantasies. Got frustrated I am not paying attention to my tasks. 

 

 

 

 

Edited May 19, 2021 by Everyday

[Everyday]

Hey

 

Sent some messages to her. She is still cold. I felt stupid for doing that. I need to mind my own business and have more interesting stuff to do than to message her and get caught in her drama.

I am waiting to talk with her this Saturday. Not sure what to expect. I am feeling resentful again. 

 

Not happy about tomorrow's test. Didn't prepare. Don't even want to think about it.

 

 

[Everyday]

Hey

 

I cant believe i miss porn more than fapping itself. I am thinking more to watch porn than to actually fap.

I must have had a wet dream last night. I saw in the morning i ejaculated during sleep.

 

Hard to focus on work. I keep thinking of what i will tell her when we meet.

[Everyday]

I watched porn last night but didnt fap. First time in weeks. I didnt feel as excited as  thought i would be. The craving of porn was more pleasurable than actually watching. Hmmm

 

14 hours ago, Everyday said:

Hard to focus on work. I keep thinking of what i will tell her when we meet.

Blocked these thoughts as best as i could and felt better. Focused better on work.

[Everyday]

20 hours ago, Everyday said:

On 20/05/2021 at 10:02 PM, Everyday said:

Hard to focus on work. I keep thinking of what i will tell her when we meet.

Blocked these thoughts as best as i could and felt better. Focused better on work.

Blocked them until i could not resist anymore and started daydreaming.

 

I am meeting with her later today. I feel restless and resentful. Hard to focus on other things. 

 

Going to swim before seeing her. I thought she would cancel our meeting by now.

 

Drank wine, beer and overate last night while watching tv series. Don't remember when i fell asleep. Woke up at 5 am and couldn't sleep anymore.

 

I am going to move after the 3rd of June in that apartment. I feel resistant to be honest right now. 

[Everyday]

Hey

 

6 hours ago, Everyday said:

I am meeting with her later today. I feel restless and resentful. Hard to focus on other things.

She didn't want to get back together. 

 

She said out relationship was more emotional than intellectual. That we loved the emotional part, being together and affection but didn't have anything to talk about. That is true. Today she kept speaking about her work, some other problems and i felt bored like usually. It was all the time like that. I was pretending so much just to be with her, just to have a gf. It was not normal to feel so bad being with someone.

 

I felt like a huge freak and looser for saying is but bla bla we cant work things out even if i knew she is right.

 

I felt like a joke. Instead of moving on i cling on my ex. Even if i knew being with her will mean sooo much sacrifice. She said that is not normal. That doing things for each other should not feel like sacrifice and a pain in the ass. She is right. Most of the things i did for her was sacrifice.

 

When she said no i was thinking i have to get back to my life and hated the idea. The point was to avoid dealing with my problems. To go back to drinking, being lazy, tv series and feeling sad? Being with her sounded more appealing than dealing with my problems. Is my life that bad that i want to entertain myself by being with my ex which i still dont like truly?

 

I felt ashamed she realised i wanted back with her just short term. 

 

I asked if she found someone else. She said yes. Two days after we broke up her friends brought her to a party. She met a guy. They are now together. She said things are going great and she was smiling speaking about him. They are both focusing on their careers. They resonate better with each other than it was in our relationship. I am happy she found someone so fast even if i am envious. I wish that too.

 

I am not happy with my life. What hurts the most is that i hate i didn't find someone else. My ego is hurt. I know she was not right for me and is ok. Being with her was a way to cope with all the things i didn't like about my life. I just ignored them. I am envious on her drive and motivation. I wish the same.

I am not ok with my life right now. I am not happy i struggle with dating and not doing more self development. I hate i cared more to get pussy than to focus on my career. I feel stupid for investing more in that bad relationship instead of my own life and career. I was working for my parents for some time and didnt even wanted to work harder to leave that place. Being with her, even if it was so much sacrifice it was better than the life i had at the moment. Being with her was my purpose, and didnt care of uni, myself and work.

Hearing her speaking of all her new achievements in the last 2 months made me feel miserable. WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE? This torment was covered by distracting myself that relationship.

 

She said she didnt go out with her friends as much as she used before because they asked her to come with me. She was afraid i will be bored cuz i dont have anything in common with her and her friends. All her friends kept telling her to dump me. Her parents too. I felt so horrible. I dont know what to talk with ppl. My life is boring. I watch tv series. I dont read books, i am lazy and i complain a lot. I am not doing much with my free time. I am not even reading the books i like.

 

I arrived home, writing my thoughts and my siblings came in. They said why are you sad blah blah? Made fun of me. I felt even worse. Here i am with empty bottles of wine and beer on my table. On my laptop is a paused Netflix episode. My room is not as clean as it used to be. I wanted to be left alone. 

 

I am feeling sad for my own life. I dont like the person i am right now. I hate that relationship gave me meaning in a way. I cared more about keep it than anything else. I hate i dont have a drive in my life. That i am not having a plan anymore, not looking in the future to think what i want to realise and so on. That i am expecting from life to give me stuff and meaning. That i dont even know what i want to do with my time and life? How does a driven and motivated life would look like for me anymore..

 

I am not believing in myself that i can have a better life.

 

 

Messaging her weekly was a mistake. I kept thinking of her and didnt move on.

[Everyday]

Hey

 

A few hours after i met with my ex on Saturday i went to an event organised by the ppl living in that big house. Spoke with french guys, a British dude and some girls form my country. It was such a change of scenery and vibe, coming from that discussion i had with my ex same day. All of them where older than me. I blended in so easily. It was so easy to talk with them. More open.

 

Sunday was a difficult day. I was extremely productive. I realised a lot of stuff. I felt much better. It is very hard to accept i wasted lots of time and that i postponed a lot of my goals. I ignored them by using my ex as a distraction.

 

If i got a gf right after that break up i would have still be miserable deep down. I want a relationship for sex and to fix my mood. I want to run from all the stuff i feel i should have done ages ago. So thinking that i need a gf asap, besides some good reasons it has lots of neediness to run from my problems and avoid the work that needs to be done.

 

I cancelled my Netflix subscription. I unsubscribed from the channels i used to watch movie reviews. I went to sleep listening to optimized.org. 

I studied for an upcoming test at uni. I haven't done that in months. Felt so resistant. I was proud of myself. Wanted to quit a few times.

 

 

 

Today - I am in the same state of motivation and inspiration i was last year when we broke up. It feels amazing. 

I realised lots of shit about that relationship. Is harder to work on myself than to be with her.

 

When i was with her it was so hard to work on myself and it was frustrating be with her too. Two negatives. Now i have one. 

 

At work i observed how nonsense comparisons i make between me and my ex. Much of my reasoning is crap. I saw how i get triggered by some thought and derail into complaining and self pity.

 

I arrived from work and had the best meditation in years. Did exercises for my back. I did 100 crunches - i got a fat belly from some months since i used to go to junk food for a month before i got hired. Is not huge but it makes me feel very insecure. I cant believe i havent done that sooner. I felt so excited i am finally taking care of it.

 

Is like when i was with her i was sabotaging myself on purpose to hit rock bottom and work on myself more. I couldn't maintain this drive when i was with her. I feel so amazing. I have energy again.

 

 

 

 

Day 21 of no fap. Dont feel like watching porn or fapping. Not disturbed by seeing girls on my way to work.

 

 

 

Met with the guy from 2nd internship. He gave me some stuff to grow. We haven't met since oct/november last year when i was not together with my gf. 

 

Told him i liked my job very much. I think i work there for 2 or 3 months. Told him that i am going to move from home next week with the couple from 1st internship and then i will move in that big house with those foreigners. He said i am awesome and he wishes he did what i am doing at my age. He said some ppl would think twice before moving out and so on. He said when he was my age all he cared was to drink and party.

 

He regrets not doing what i am doing now. I am amazed he is proud of me while i think i haven't done much with my life. lol.  I am too harsh with myself. 

 

Talking to him made me ashamed how entangled i got with my ex and that relationship. I knew nothing more than being with her. I was building up frustration from the relationship itself and not working on myself much. I felt very bad and sometimes i didnt know it. Talking to him made me remember the person i want to become. It felt good. It felt stupid to give so much thought to my ex, taking into consideration i want to learn so many stuff.

 

 

 

I thought what i can do this summer with my free time. I am excited. I feel so much better since Saturday. I needed to hear is over, even if i would have been with her some more time. I wanted to hear is over since i couldn't do it. I wanted to know there is no way back, no way for me to be with her for practice. I am not sure what was all about with my ex - some 1st relationship attachment, some desperation, some pleasure and so on. It was an experience. I feel better now. I feel better in 2 days than i felt after 5 weeks since i broke up with her. Messaging her weekly didnt allow me to move on. If i didn't meet with her i would have spent even more months feeling like crap. 

 

 

I don't remember what i wanted to say. 

 

 

I questioned more why i felt so bad when she didn't want me back. I think besides hormones and the stuff i liked about that relationship is that it made me distracted from facing my problems - months of feeling frustrated for not working on myself. The pain to face it is and was too big. 

Is harder to work on myself than to be with her. But no relationship can meditate for me and so on. I have to do it myself. 

 

 

I am too hard on myself sometimes. I asked myself what i like to do. I do like tv series even if i go overboard. I will watch Loki this summer and maybe other tv series i like. Once a week or a movie once in a while is ok. A beer once in a while is ok. Using facebook to check some events is alright. I need to not use them too much. I don't need to feel guilty about this work either. I remembered it felt too much sometimes to be so strict to myself.

I need to just indulge myself from time to time.

 

 

 

 

Edited May 24, 2021 by Everyday

[Everyday]

Hey

 

Compared myself a lot with my ex. Felt really bed.

 

I remembered driving is one of my biggest obstacles right now. I avoided even thinking of it. I was thinking what else should i do with my time besides work and study.

Went driving with brother for less than 20m. I was shit scared. Afterwards i compared myself with her and cried... I felt so down... 

 

I meditated. Felt better. Thought of my ex and felt bad thinking i wont have a new gf for a long time. Started studying for uni. 

 

Remembered to stop complaining and do the work regardless of each shit that happens in my life. Just shut up and move on.

 

 

It was better at work. Harder to focus but i am proud of myself.

 

 

Kept reading in the subway. I am reading the books from a tv series i watched on netflix a while ago:  https://www.google.com/search?q=shadow+and+bone+books&client=opera&hs=w7K&ei=8UatYNZjvoH27w-G3JOQCw&oq=shadow+and+bone+books&gs_lcp=Cgdnd3Mtd2l6EAMyBQguEJMCMgIIADICCAAyAggAMgIIADICCAAyBAgAEAoyAggAMgIIADICCAA6BwgAEEcQsAM6BggAEAcQHjoHCC4QDRCTAjoECAAQDVCmI1jNJWCWKGgBcAJ4AIABjgGIAdUDkgEDNC4xmAEAoAEBqgEHZ3dzLXdpesgBCMABAQ&sclient=gws-wiz&ved=0ahUKEwiWoOz9v-XwAhW-gP0HHQbuBLIQ4dUDCA0&uact=5

 

 

Ate my own food prepared this morning. I feel very guilty buying food all the time at work. Is such a waste of money. Of course, once in a while is ok.

 

 

Had some fun conversations at work with my colleagues. One of the ppc girls is asking me each morning how am i and what am i doing. Really wanting to know. I like being asked this and having a chat.

 

 

I did 100 crunches like yesterday. I plan to do it daily for 1 month. I have been complaining for gaining weight for months but didn't take action.

 

 

Second day of 20 min meditation. Same for meditation. I meditated on and off last few weeks. 

 

 

Felt worried about money for when i will move. The second house is really expensive. I will have a tight budget. My family asked me when i will move. Said starting on the 3rd because on the second that girl leaves. They made fun of me i will clean after her or smth. They are not supportive.

 

 

BTW, is easier to fall asleep now. I dont feel guilty for wasting the whole day and i dont watch tv series late at night to cope. I just put some optimized.org masterclass on and fall asleep like this. In fucking minutes. 

 

 

Last night while i was preparing to sleep i listened to some songs i liked. Some slow thai. I used to waste time listening to them while i was browsing on YT. But i like them. I dont have to live like a monk. I am listening to a lil bit of a nice album atm. I like it. There is no harm if is just for a few minutes.

Edited May 25, 2021 by Everyday

[Everyday]

Hey

 

Took a shower. I looked back at what i did today and smiled. I am getting better. Is not all nice and pretty but i am going into the right direction.

 

I remembered about the fact that my siblings and both their S.O. made fun of me for moving out. They must be envious. Next time i will respond back instead of saying nothing. They don't know how is like to live alone cuz they never experienced it.

 

 

[Everyday]

Hey

 

My parents are arguing as i am writing this =)))

 

 

I did not have a day as good as yesterday. I kept going regardless but slower.

 

 

I thought of her again but realised i wanted her to distract myself from feeling so bad about my life. Also, because i am afraid of finding another girl. I see this fear as very real and a huge problem in my life. 

 

I feel happy i dont have to tolerate my ex. So much of that relationship felt like a huge sacrifice. It was really hard. Last time when we saw each together f2f it felt like an effort just to listen to her. But i do miss the touching, sex and affection. I am worried like shit i wont find another girl to like me. I remember how scared i was just to ask my ex out. I waited for months. When we started dating i wanted to break up cuz i was so afraid. 

I miss the idea of having gf. I miss feeling i can say i have a gf and going to her. It felt like i missed out on these experiences when i was younger. There is a part of me who is still longing for that. 

 

 

I remembered i wanted for years to start eating paleo but each time i said i have more important things to study first. I remembered my gf used to have a diet last year and as well now. I was so envious on her and so upset on myself not doing anything. I was very lazy. Kept waiting to feel like it. Here i am years later and still didn't start  

Felt bad today and wanted to eat junk food again to cope. But i said the problem will still be there. Why would i do that? I thought that if i do it i will fel bad and i don't want to feel bad. So, don't eat that. So simple. I forgot that. 

 

 

It was not a good day but things will get better step by step. 

 

I have a test tomorrow at uni. I didn't prepare very well. Find countability difficult. Started studying on Sunday. Last week i said i have to solve things with my ex and then i will study. So stupid. They have nothing to do with each other. I need to separate my life areas. Just because i worry about a girl doesn't mean i should suck at work and neglect my life. Is really stupid. 

 

When i was meditating earlier i thought again that no matter what it happens around me i am alone and i have to deal with my problems accordingly. Made me sad to think i tried so hard to run from my problems by being with my ex and here i am with all of them unchanged. Is sad. 

 

I felt stupid that i was thinking of my ex at work and got distracted. There is time for that too, Why waste time now?

 

 

 

 

Fapping urges are very low. Day 23

 

 

 

I started having doubts about moving alone. I feel comfortable here, i find in normal to hear my parents argue all the time and so on. But it will be good for me. We will see how things will develop. I am excited to take care of myself like i did in NL. 

 

 

Edited May 26, 2021 by Everyday

[Everyday]

Hey

 

One hour passed since my last entry.  I was in bed trying to make me study for that test. I thought why not watch so tv series? Just a lil bit.

 

My thought drifted and i thought i am not doing enough with my life. I thought coming home, studying a little for uni, reading some books, maybe driving, medi, back exercises - what time do i have left to do other stuff ???? I feel down again. I should achieve more.... I am comparing myself with my ex. I am not sure what i want to do with my time right now.  I am complaining again. 

 

I thought i am bothered that i am not reading for work after my programme as well. But i don't have time, right? What about the other things i want to achieve? I have to wait until x time to do them, right? I am getting lost in my own BS again.