165 Days Before College

[Everyday]

I drank some brandy and beer ehheheh. 

 

I was on facebook checking my ex and other people's profile and I remembered about this place where my french friend used to live, with ten other people. Nice and interesting people. I thought - i have the money now why not move from my parents'? I messaged one guy there and waiting for his response. I feel excited man. Heh. Is going to be cool man. Hope that have a room available. I need a change. 

Edited April 29, 2021 by Everyday

[Everyday]

Woke up and had doubts about moving there. It is ok. Will be fine. 

 

The guy said they don't have any room available until end of Jun/ July but will let me know. Good. I would have liked to move asap but is ok. I will wait. Glad i messaged him. He remembered me from an opening event and visiting my friend. I was surprised. 

 

Felt bad about the whole thing with my ex. Time will solve this. Almost two weeks since we broke up. Feels much longer.

I should have not been with her. 

Edited April 30, 2021 by Everyday

[Everyday]

Felt stupid the whole day for being with her for so long. I hate myself for it. I should have left her alone a long time ago. I am so stupid.

Is unreal how stupid i was. I invested so much time, energy and money on a girl just to have sex and approval. Just to have a gf. Man i am soooo stupid. It wasnt worth it. It became the norm to suppress feeling annoyed by her and trying so hard to tolerate her just for being. It was a mistake to be with her from soooo many angles..  I had so many reasons to not be happy so many flags i dont want her as my gf and i kept ignoring them. Oooofffff.

Edited April 30, 2021 by Everyday

[Everyday]

10 hours ago, Everyday said:

Felt stupid the whole day for being with her for so long. I hate myself for it. I should have left her alone a long time ago. I am so stupid.

Is unreal how stupid i was. I invested so much time, energy and money on a girl just to have sex and approval. Just to have a GF. Man i am soooo stupid. It wasn't worth it. It became the norm to suppress feeling annoyed by her and trying so hard to tolerate her just for being. It was a mistake to be with her from soooo many angles..  I had so many reasons to not be happy so many flags i don't want her as my GF and i kept ignoring them. Oooofffff.

Well, i got rid of my fears around sex and having a GF. Yes, i should have ended the relationship sooner but i got smth out of it after all. I wanted more but i will get it from someone else.

Glad i wont move with her. I would have been even more frustrated and i would have spent even more time with her. She'd probably tell me to get out of her house each time we had a fight. 

I am excited to move in that house. It will be expensive but i will learn a lot.

[Everyday]

10 hours ago, Everyday said:

I am excited to move in that house. It will be expensive but i will learn a lot.

I went today to buy some plants. On my way back i remembered the guy from the 1st internship is living with his gf and has a free room. A cheaper one if i remember correctly. I am going to ask him too. Maybe i can live there until july or end of jun.

 

 

Sawn some seeds. I wanted to do that from a long time. I put my new plants in the garden. So glad about this.

[Everyday]

Hey

 

16 hours ago, Everyday said:

I went today to buy some plants. On my way back i remembered the guy from the 1st internship is living with his gf and has a free room. A cheaper one if i remember correctly. I am going to ask him too. Maybe i can live there until july or end of jun.

He said a girl is living in that room until the end of month. Than is free. Yay. He is going to ask his gf than give me an answer

[Everyday]

Kept watching movies and tv series last weeks. I am feeling that desperation again. I should take action towards my goals- i dont and i feel i a going crazy.

 

Kept meditating though, even if is hard to focus and i skipped a day or two. I am meditating for 11min.

 

 

 

Realised some stuff again about my relationship.:

• i am bothered to be single again. i see it as bad because i have been single for soo long. thus i thought i should shut up and tolerate everything just to have a relationship
•  
• the people around me will pressure me again to find a gf. my brother and sis asked me why i am not with another girl last time we broke up.
•  
• i see i exaggerated this break up. my family said ok that i break up. they know i struggled. they know she was difficult. they have my back.  also, she had 10 times more break-ups than me. She is fine. I didnt cheat or beat her. i am exaggerating way too much. we even spoke before breaking up and settled things. i messaged her last few weeks before her vaccine and surgery. she doesn't think as bad about this situation as i must think. she is ok with it i guess. i am overreacting . i was nice with her parents. i was nice with her 99% of times. it is ok.
•  
• my ego is hurt, not my heart. i feel bad cuz i was with her for so long and i knew is wrong. i feel bad that i didnt dumper her sooner. that i didnt find a new girl and kept going with her. that i wanted to make this relationship work when i knew we are not good for each other. i feel bad i didn't work more on myself. i feel bad for settling for her out of scarcity. i hate i put so much effort to make her happy and she still complained and treated me like that. i dont deserve that
•  
• this morning i realised is hard to get used to not feeling stressed and afraid she will yell at me like my father.  i got used to feel that all the time and now i feel weird to be free and relieved. 
•  
• i feel hurt she doesnt message me back. this makes me feel i didn't matter, i am not good enough and im not worth a dime. this is stupid. idk why she behaves like this. is her opinion and isnt about me. is what she wants or doesn't in a relationship, she got upset and wanted a break because the way she sees relationships should be like. isnt about me.
•  
• i developed this belief that i should accept everything from her and take revenge later. it doesn't work. is toxic. i am better without her and keep it that way. i felt scared when i thought she might message me to get back together. i felt worse for messaging her in the 1st place. leave her alone. 
•  
• i dont miss her as a person. i miss the good feelings: touching her approval, being tender with her. i can feel this and even more with another girl. i dont think it was love. it was just about feelings and scarcity..
• Developing on this i miss the physical intimacy i had with her.

Edited May 3, 2021 by Everyday

[Everyday]

Did the exercises for my back this morning.

Meditated too.

I think i will go this Thursday to swim.

I'd like to drive this week as well.

 

 

 

Took care of my plants today a little bit. I have:

• parsley
• tomatoes
• hot and regular pappers
• different types of mint and basil
• tarragon
• rosemary
• thyme
• cucumbers
• sage
• foxglove
• oregano
• sawn yesterday some hemp, morning glories, borage, coneflower, chamomile, rattles, nasturtium and carrots

 

Edited May 3, 2021 by Everyday

[Everyday]

On 21/04/2021 at 10:17 PM, Everyday said:

I spoke some more with the SEO girl about stuff and about our date. She looked away and said she's super stressed and let's postpone it. I said ok. I get a vibe she's avoiding it. Idk. The rest of the day she was looking at me very intensely. Often I would notice her doing this from across the room. 

Tomorrow we are going to have lunch together with the whole team. I asked her if she wants to get a coffee afterwards. I thought this would be more intimate. I had doubts about messaging her but did it anyways.

 

She said but if we go to lunch we will get to know each other more, right? I just think she is dodging meeting with me.

 

Well, that's the 3rd time i ask her out and she makes some excuse. Got the message. Move on man. I feel stupid for asking when it was clear from the begging she doesn't put any effort to schedule a date. Is OK. At least i wont have regrets i didn't try. I have to accept she isn't into me and is afraid to reject me directly. It is OK. I am fine. I will feel more upset on myself if i keep asking her out. Is better this way. I asked her out just because i want experience. I see there isn't a connection between us or smth similar. Is alright. It was a stupid idea to want to date a girl from work. Really bad one.

Edited May 3, 2021 by Everyday

[Everyday]

Hey

Last night i dreamed of my ex.

The lunch moved for tomorrow. Didn't speak much with her today. She didn't try either. Good.

 

Thought of my ex but blocked those thoughts. Is crazy how much effort i put to make the relationship work even if i didn't want to keep it. That habit of shutting up and tolerate everything to not have a fight still affects me.

 

On 29/04/2021 at 10:58 PM, Everyday said:

I was on facebook checking my ex and other people's profile and I remembered about this place where my french friend used to live, with ten other people. Nice and interesting people. I thought - i have the money now why not move from my parents'? I messaged one guy there and waiting for his response. I feel excited man. Heh. Is going to be cool man. Hope that have a room available. I need a change

There is a nice room available from Mid July. Quite expensive i would say. It will be an experience. Why not? I can always move back or find another place. I cant keep living with my parents. Is damaging me. I want to live with other ppl again.

Update: my father keeps getting angry and yelling. Definitely worth the money moving away. I thought ill move away some day in the distant future and i have to tolerate what my father does... like i thought i have to be with my gf until x moment and than i will be free. I see a pattern. I think i should have it bad and struggle and that i should always wait until i can have the life i want. Dont like this.

Edited May 4, 2021 by Everyday
remembered smth

[Everyday]

A girl from work said some creepy guy saw her ID when she was in train and later he sent her a friend request on Facebook ahahahahha 

[Everyday]

I got lost thinking of my ex. Getting upset, frustrated and angry all over again. I still feel stressed of her yelling or getting upset like my father does. I understand why i was with her but is said to get over it and accept it. Everyone makes mistakes.

 

I wished i was more honest with myself when we spoke in November. I could have said i am not ok that you are so busy and so on. One of the problems in this relationship was that i needed more time with her even if she told me she can offer me that. I just said no problem- i just wanted approval asap. I kept becoming more and more frustrated for not getting more time together and seeing her so often stressed, angry and cold. I was never cool with that and i tried so hard to not show it and even to accept it. I never could.

 

So if i get back together with her this wont change. Not even if we move together like we spoke. Her exams are coming and she will be to stressed to see with me. I would get frustrated all over again.

[Everyday]

On 04/05/2021 at 8:14 PM, Everyday said:

The lunch moved for tomorrow. Didn't speak much with her today. She didn't try either. Good.

It was nice. Quite funny. I liked hanging out with them. Drank a lot. I wished i brought more subjects to talk about at the table.

Avoided that seo girl pretty much the whole day. She looked at me and smiled. I am really confused. Do you like me or not? IDK must be a no. Spoke with her at the table. She told me some stuff about her because i asked but she didnt ask anything about me. I didnt like her more after we spoke. She seems a cold person. Dont feel a connection between us.

 

I cant wait to move alone. Such a big change. I cant believe i forgot about it for so many months man.

 

Wished good luck before my ex's vaccine. Turns out is next week ahehehehhe. Whatever. Felt restless for hours after messaging her.

[Everyday]

22 hours ago, Everyday said:

On 04/05/2021 at 8:14 PM, Everyday said:

The lunch moved for tomorrow. Didn't speak much with her today. She didn't try either. Good.

It was nice. Quite funny. I liked hanging out with them. Drank a lot. I wished i brought more subjects to talk about at the table.

The lunch started at 15 and ended at 21. Around 22 arrived home. Father was like you were out drinking and eating all day while i was home doing stuff and at work half a day. He must be pissed i am at work and he can order me around the house do to stuff =)))))) Too bad

 

 

On 04/05/2021 at 8:14 PM, Everyday said:

On 29/04/2021 at 10:58 PM, Everyday said:

I was on facebook checking my ex and other people's profile and I remembered about this place where my french friend used to live, with ten other people. Nice and interesting people. I thought - i have the money now why not move from my parents'? I messaged one guy there and waiting for his response. I feel excited man. Heh. Is going to be cool man. Hope that have a room available. I need a change

There is a nice room available from Mid July. Quite expensive i would say. It will be an experience. Why not? I can always move back or find another place. I cant keep living with my parents. Is damaging me. I want to live with other ppl again.

He said to speak again in mid June. I have to pay half the price beforehand as a deposit. 

 

The guy from the 1st internship messaged me. They have the room free from the beginning of June. I thought to move with them for a month and a half and afterwards to that house. 

I am excited. I didnt tell my parents. They cant keep me here by force but they will complain i wont be around to help them.

 

 

 

 

Edited May 6, 2021 by Everyday

[Everyday]

 

Yesterday i checked her profile and saw some guy she started sending likes and love reactions one week after we broke up. I felt like shit. Wow, she already got over me too? Am i even good enough and worth it?

Got drunk last night. I was browsing on facebook, giving people dozens of likes out of nowhere and having drunk conversation with a guy from krav. I posted a song on my profile with resonates with how i feel about the relationship i had with my ex.

Woke up and felt very embarrassed of myself. I didn't even remember when i went to sleep. I feel cringe.

Today i asked her how she recovered from her surgery. She didn't open the message and i started feeling bad. I want her approval so much is toxic even if i am not compatible with her. Is a stupid problem. I was waiting since late noon for her to respond and gone crazy. Saw she was online and she still didn't respond.

I read all messages from wapp and phone. I was very frustrated to see how much i tried to keep the relationship going... How i couldn't stand her being busy all the time, yet i didn't complain out of fear. Jesus. I saw again i was so frustrated for not seeing her more often and so on. God i was so stupid. Anyway, i deleted all messages, calls and everything like i did last time. Is better this way.

I am so insecure and miserable. Even wanted to get back with her... just to feel approved. Horrible. Jesus what am i doing with my life?????? I am afraid to do the best for me? I am thinking that i am a horrible person and no girl will want me so i have to settle for her. This belief made me miserable.

I am upset on myself for the whole situation.

 

 

[Everyday]

13 hours ago, Everyday said:

Yesterday i checked her profile and saw some guy she started sending likes and love reactions one week after we broke up. I felt like shit. Wow, she already got over me too? Am i even good enough and worth it?

Got drunk last night. I was browsing on facebook, giving people dozens of likes out of nowhere and having drunk conversation with a guy from krav. I posted a song on my profile with resonates with how i feel about the relationship i had with my ex.

Woke up and felt very embarrassed of myself. I didn't even remember when i went to sleep. I feel cringe.

Today i asked her how she recovered from her surgery. She didn't open the message and i started feeling bad. I want her approval so much is toxic even if i am not compatible with her. Is a stupid problem. I was waiting since late noon for her to respond and gone crazy. Saw she was online and she still didn't respond.

I read all messages from wapp and phone. I was very frustrated to see how much i tried to keep the relationship going... How i couldn't stand her being busy all the time, yet i didn't complain out of fear. Jesus. I saw again i was so frustrated for not seeing her more often and so on. God i was so stupid. Anyway, i deleted all messages, calls and everything like i did last time. Is better this way.

I am so insecure and miserable. Even wanted to get back with her... just to feel approved. Horrible. Jesus what am i doing with my life?????? I am afraid to do the best for me? I am thinking that i am a horrible person and no girl will want me so i have to settle for her. This belief made me miserable.

I am upset on myself for the whole situation.

Hey

 

I feel better. I don't know what it got into me yesterday. My need to be approved and like is bigger than i thought.

She replied at midnight. I cant believe i went through well feeling like shit for what? nothing really.

She said the surgery was fine, she feels very good and asked about my vaccine.

I said i'm happy she's doing great. Told her i got 1st dose and the second will be in two weeks. 

She said i hope you are also doing good. I said i am fine. She said she's glad to hear that.

[Everyday]

12 hours ago, Everyday said:

I feel better. I don't know what it got into me yesterday. My need to be approved and like is bigger than i thought.

She replied at midnight. I cant believe i went through well feeling like shit for what? nothing really.

She said the surgery was fine, she feels very good and asked about my vaccine.

I said i'm happy she's doing great. Told her i got 1st dose and the second will be in two weeks. 

She said i hope you are also doing good. I said i am fine. She said she's glad to hear that.

Well, i know we are better without each other but i still feel sad. I have to get used to it. I will get over it some day. I feel more ego hurt than heartbroken. 

My siblings kept coming into my room criticising me for feeling down about the break up. It didnt help.

 

Told my sis i wanna move at the begging of next month. She didnt think is a good idea. She didnt understand why i would want to move out and just spend money on food and housing. She didnt get why i want to move out and she didnt see the point. She said i already lived alone once. Why would i want to do it just for the experience of it?

She said is better to save money so i will move out some day in a place i really like. She doesn't get my point. I want to live with some cool people. I want to not hear my parents arguing all the time. I want to meet new and interesting people. I want the experience of it.

I think the other members of my family except mom will feel the same.

[Everyday]

22 hours ago, Everyday said:

Told my sis i wanna move at the begging of next month. She didnt think is a good idea. She didnt understand why i would want to move out and just spend money on food and housing. She didnt get why i want to move out and she didnt see the point. She said i already lived alone once. Why would i want to do it just for the experience of it?

She said is better to save money so i will move out some day in a place i really like. She doesn't get my point. I want to live with some cool people. I want to not hear my parents arguing all the time. I want to meet new and interesting people. I want the experience of it.

I think the other members of my family except mom will feel the same.

Told to the rest of them:

 

No one supported my decision. They all said i have no real reason to move out. They said i have a garden, a house and space to live here. Why would i want to move out? That only ppl from outside of my city live alone because they don't have a family here. That i will waste my money just to leave alone. That i am avoiding them anyways by staying in my room all day. I felt stupid. I am acting like this just because of a girl. So stupid. Don't i have anything more important in my life than that relationship?

 

I told them i am going to move out anyways. They said i will come back when i will see how hard it is too take care of myself like i did in NL. I said we will see. If i am not ok i will move back here.

 

 I didn't even dare to tell them i want to move out again in another place in July even more expensive.

[Everyday]

Got drunk again. Watched tv series and messaged my ex. I realised afterwards how annoying, difficult and frustrating it would be to have her back. I think i am getting closer to mind my own business and move on.

That SEO girl is still giving me looks but i dont know why. She didnt want to go out with me. Idk what she is thinking. Is a mystery.

 

Maybe my parents dont want to move out cuz they wont have as much power over me as before.

Maybe my sis doesn't want to move out because she feels envious i will be on my own and she is still depending of my parents. Not sure.

 

Day 6 of nofap. I have strong urges to fap and watch porn.

 

I havent checked facebook in 2 days. Only a few minutes on instagram

 

update: i used facebook for a few minutes but forgot

Edited May 11, 2021 by Everyday

[Everyday]

22 hours ago, Everyday said:

Got drunk again. Watched tv series and messaged my ex. I realised afterwards how annoying, difficult and frustrating it would be to have her back. I think i am getting closer to mind my own business and move on.

She still didn't replay to my last message from last night. I didn't get insane about it like last time. I have to accept i don't have enough good reasons to get back with her. I have to leave her alone. Tomorrow i am going to message her 3 times to see if she is alright after and before her second vaccine. Not going to message her afterwards until her b-day this autumn.

 

Day 7 of no fap. It was very hard to not fap yesterday. I got used to fap after drinking and watching tv series.

22 hours ago, Everyday said:

That SEO girl is still giving me looks but i don't know why. She didn't want to go out with me. Idk what she is thinking. Is a mystery.

She keeps starring at me. I stopped locking eyes with her. I have no idea if she likes me or not but if she did she would have accepted a date. IDK.

I spoke a little with her at lunch. We don't have any chemistry between us. Cant even find a thing to speak about with her. Is much easier to speak with my other female colleagues from work even if they have a BF. Is super easy to speak with them. Conversation is just flowing.

 

Used facebook for a few minutes. Got invited at an event held at that big house i want to move in. Cool. It is next weekend.

I cant wait to move form home. 

 

Worked in my garden. Made tea for kombucha. Washed some clothes. Trimmed the roses in my garden. Planted some flowers and herbs. Feel so good about it.

 

Yesterday, after work i just ate and got drunk and watched tv series. 

Edited May 11, 2021 by Everyday