165 Days Before College

[Everyday]

Drank wine to put myself to sleep last two nights.

I kept driving each night except two days ago. I was feeling really bad and very tried. Had to help my parents with smth. Yesterday i drove and felt very scared.

Yesterday, i planted a bunch of plants in my garden. I am very happy.

Fapped a lot, watched tv series and didn't eat much.

 

I checked my phone for messages from her.

Didn't tell to my friends and parents that i broke up with her.

A few weeks ago, at work, i heard a coworker speak about the life crises a guy had at 40 and started to hate his wife and kid. He kept saying i wasted y life with you and all sorts of stuff. I thought that's how i will end up with my GF if i don't break up.

 

 

I stopped myself from apologising to her many times. I keep saying to myself that she is better without me, she will move on and that i don't want a future together. This works each time.

 

I dreamed of her last night. I miss her but that's not a reason to stay with her for a few more months. Leave her alone.

[Everyday]

Convinced myself again to not message her. 

Edited April 18, 2021 by Everyday

[Everyday]

On 18/04/2021 at 2:32 PM, Everyday said:

Convinced myself again to not message her. 

I had some wine last night and recorded a few messages for her saying i am sorry bla bla.

 

She replayed and i felt like an asshole. She called me and i felt so guilty i said i am sorry do you want to try again to make our relationship to work? She said yes. As i was speaking with her she kept going with her problems on and on.... i put my face on my pillow and thought: jeeezzz i should have shut up! she keeps going on about her drama is so annoying. I thought i have to dump her next year or sooner but in a nicer way.

I started to feel stressed again because of this relationship. She is still cold with me. 

 

At work spoke with a girl and thought how awesome she is. I thought how i have to tolerate my GF, how i am unhappy and that i have to carry this burden. I am disappointed of myself. Seems i cant do the right thing for me.

HHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH next time dont message her. 

[Everyday]

She said she didn't get over the fact that i said after one year together that she doesn't understand me. She said we will never see things in the same way and is not anyone's fault. She said it hurts because is true and she needs time to digest everything i said that night. Also, that we better not speak tonight.

No problem

 

I feel like speaking with her is something i have to do. I am going to tell her this next time. I also want to tell her other stuff. I feel i have to be nice with her now for reacting like that but in the same time i want out. I have always wanted to make her like me and attain the behaviour she approves.

I am chasing her approval just to want out each time i get it.

[Everyday]

Spoke with her through messages. She said she needs a break. I said i am sorry for asking to get back together and hurt her even more. Maybe she thought we might get back together in the future because she said she needs some time off and then to see how things are. I pushed for a break up.

 

 

She said she is sorry for not understanding me better and i apologised for not trusting her to communicate what it bothered me about her. We just didn't get along.

 

We agreed to break up. We thanked each other for everything and wished each other the best. I wished her good luck in her career and so on. She told me i should believe in me more and that i am capable of great things.

 

I truly want her to find someone better and i feel horrible for not loving her the way she loved me. I am shaking and I am crying  now for all the pain i caused her and that i couldn't love a girl like her. She had many good parts but i never could appreciate them with all my heart.

I am sad now, that is over for good, even if i know is best for both of us. I feel horrible, like i wanted to feel this mix of frustration and love being with her. Like i have to feel that.

[Everyday]

I realised a part of my wanted to stay with her because i could have blamed her for all the things i am afraid to do. I would have said that i never tried to live abroad because our relationship, or that i never moved to x or did y because of her. It would have been easier to blame her and it was, then to face my own demons. If she isn't there i have no excuse to not leave to NL or be and face the loneliness i faced there. To face the failures i had there. 

 

I felt scared that i have no excuse now to do many of the things i am afraid to do. 

I feel relived that the relationship is over. I never could accept her for who she is. I feel weird now, that all is over. I cried and felt an empty space in my heart. But i know everything will be better for both of us.

Now i see that it scares me to be alone again. It was easier to be comfortable and bitch in secret about her. It was easier to be a pussy. I felt the same fear i had before meeting her. That girls will reject me, that i am not good enough, that i shouldn't have a GF and make love and so on. I felt all those fears coming back and it scared me so bad.

 

I messaged a few minutes ago the girl i was talking about on the previous page. I couldn't wait anymore. Thinking that she might say yes fills me with joy and hope. Also, it scares the shit out of me.

[Everyday]

18 hours ago, Everyday said:

I messaged a few minutes ago the girl i was talking about on the previous page. I couldn't wait anymore. Thinking that she might say yes fills me with joy and hope. Also, it scares the shit out of me.

She replied early this morning. She said she is in a relationship with a woman even if her social media accounts don't show this. She cares of her a great deal and wants to have a relationship together.

I wished them to be really happy. I am also surprised and a part of me wished she was still single and available. At least now i can move on and i will never think my ex was to blame for not being with this girl. I could have asked her two years ago and moved on sooner. Fuck.

 

I woke up and still feel so much better than last night. I feel so amazing. Being with her because i thought i have to was very stupid, extremely stressful and crippling. I feel better now. She will be much much better without me. I still feel guilty for everything but is better for both that thins ended like this.

Edited April 20, 2021 by Everyday

[Everyday]

12 hours ago, Everyday said:

She replied early this morning. She said she is in in a relationship with a woman even if her social media accounts don't show this. She cares of her a great deal and wants to have a relationship with her.

I wished them to be really happy. I am also surprised and a part of me wished she was still single and available. At least now i can move on and i will never think my ex was to blame for not being with this girl. I could have asked her two years ago and moved on sooner. Fuck.

She told me how much she appreciating being vulnerable and honest with her. She said more people should be like that these days. I thanked her.

Wished her an awesome day.

 

I messaged a girl who liked a pic of me from the instagram page of the 1st internship. She liked the pic with me from the whole account and they joked she knows what she wants =))))))) She said she doesn't remember why she liked the pic, she said either because she liked me, the post or the account. I felt horrible for messaging her, because i told to my ex last month about this girl who liked my page.

 

I messaged one of the girls from SEO after the course ended. Today it was last day. This girl said let's speak with each other or meet out even if i wont get hired. I said of course. Didn't want to ask her out in front of everyone, and i had work to do asap. I congratulated her for getting hired later that day, together with her friend. I asked her out this weekend. She said she is going home since Friday so to leave it for another day. I said OK. I will speak with her tomorrow at work to schedule our date. Maybe next week. I am still anxious she will call it off.

 

 

I will do the Pfizer vaccine next Monday.

 

 

My sis asked me when my GF is coming in the city to meet. I said never. We broke up. She said what????? But you always looked so happy when she was around. Yes, i did but we had our problems. She was shocked i am not broken and devastated. 

I also realised i want more a relationship to feel good now. Not sure to be honest.

Edited April 20, 2021 by Everyday

[Everyday]

My parents are arguing again. 

 

Messaged my ex this morning to wish her good luck at her vaccine. She was nervous when she told me about it a few weeks ago. Next week she has a surgery and the week after that the last dose of Pfizer. I'll message her for that too. At least I can do that. Not much but better than nothing. I still regret the whole situation. 

 

I also messaged her step dad for helping me with driving. He responded me and said good luck and keep driving! 

 

We broke up on Monday night. Feels like it was weeks ago. It's just Wednesday! 

 

I spoke some more with the SEO girl about stuff and about our date. She looked away and said she's super stressed and let's postpone it. I said ok. I get a vibe she's avoiding it. Idk. The rest of the day she was looking at me very intensely. Often I would notice her doing this from across the room. 

 

I felt down because she reacted like that when I wanted to set a date. I thought to get back with my ex and all kind of crazy thoughts. I stopped myself and questioned my behavior. Observed that I am again not doing practices in my free time, I'm not reading, doing back exercises and so on. So a new gf means no time for that in my head. 

 

Thus, I arrived home and meditated for 5 minutes. Felt so good. Hard to focus but I felt that all these problems from above are outside of me. I meditated for 5 min yesterday. No music. 

Afterwards, I took everything which bothered me and analyzed it. Realized it is bullshit. So much bullshit. 

 

I have to go to university tomorrow. I don't want to. I like it more at work. Much more. 

[Everyday]

Read my private notes from October, November, December, January, February and March. I was shocked to see that each week i was bitching about her. I was complaining and regretting  so much of getting back to her. I forgot so much shit since then. wow. I wrote how cold is she, how stupid i feel for being with her and so on. The most shocking was to remember i got back to her because i didn't have a better alternative. WOW. i wrote that and is still true, 6 months later.

[Everyday]

I told to my friend from uni we broke up and i feel guilty for doing it so fast and for not an important reason. I feel guilty for treating her like that. He said what???? Saw you feel guilty even if you know she's better without you and in the same time you are better without her? It doesn't make sense man.

Edited April 24, 2021 by Everyday

[Everyday]

Why would i try so hard to be the best boyfriend she ever had if i am not ok in this relationship?

 

Best boyfriend is a title and an opinion in her head. I cant do anything with that. It has no value. Is just a thought. Why would i try so hard to maintain that opinion if i am not happy in this relationship? Why would i make her happy if i am not? What about what i want and need?

 

I should have put myself first. Why did i try so hard to be the best boyfriend for a girl i feel is not right for me? Why would i shut up and tolerate whatever she does just to maintain that good boyfriend title and make her happy? Why would i do that to myself?

 

[Everyday]

I thought why would i be with her just to make her happy? What about me? Why would i stay in a relationship that isnt right for me, just to not disappoint and make the other person suffer? What about me? Doest my happiness matter too? Why would i make myself stay in a relationship i wanted to get out?

[Everyday]

I had some shitty last two days. I feel guilty and fears are clouding my judgement again.

I messaged her last night to ask for the number of the girl she's taking english preparation classes with. I meant for some time to ask for her because i want to practice my english again. I feel super guilty now. She must have be thinking that i want to ask that girl out or smth. 

I know i am better without her and vice versa but i still feel guilty for dumping her. I know is the the best but is hard to face what i am feeling now. I have been watching tv series non-stop. It sucks.

 

Doing the right thing is hard. Making myself happy is hard. I thought it will be easy when i break up with her. I try to remind myself that that her opinion either good or bad doesnt bring me any value

Edited April 25, 2021 by Everyday

[Everyday]

 

3 hours ago, Everyday said:

I messaged her last night to ask for the number of the girl she's taking english preparation classes with. I meant for some time to ask for her because i want to practice my english again. I feel super guilty now. She must have be thinking that i want to ask that girl out or smth. 

She said she responded like that last night because she was not home. She said is no problem if i contact that girl for english classes.

 

 

Now, i am just feeling angry for feeling guilty. I feel so stupid for staying with her for so long out of desperation. I feel angry that i still feel guilty even if i am calmer now. I am better. Move on. Please man. I feel so upset that it is so hard to do the best for myself. It is for my own good yet, i feel guilty for doing the best for myself. Why??

[Everyday]

Left from work and i had a random insight: Was i that desperate and needy that i started a relationship with a girl even if i knew she's against my values? Sadly, yes. Yes, i did. I felt like crying in that moment. What a bad opinion i must have about myself to be with a girl i wasnt ok from the beginning... 

Moreover, to keep forcing myself to stay with her and tolerate everything just because i think no other girl will want to be with me. Seriously? So my choice is to be with her and shut up? I cant believe i did that.

 

Last year, i was upset from some stupid thing like i always do. I blocked her number and she called me. She called from another number and i responded. She got super upset. She was cold and treated me like shit for a month just for that mistake. Yet, i kept being nice to her to get that approval back... and for what? Shortly after she wanted a break. I said let's break up. She wanted me to get a job and be more motivated to leave my parents business. She wanted that break to  make me motivated to do her bidding. After a week from the break up i asked her how is she. It took her a month to ask me how am i and almost two to apologise for treating me like that. lol.

Recently, before breaking up, when i got angry again she got sum I made a mistake and she wanted a break ... to punish me for not obeying her again. Seriously? I am not an animal to be treated like that... I said let's break up. Is better this way. I would have hated myself sooo much if i waited for her to get over that argument, that mistake i did. Seriously?  So i was supposed to say sorry and i will never make that mistake again? To wait another 2 months??? No, man. 

 

Look last week for example. I messaged her before her vaccine because she was scared. She didn't even ask me how am i. I am still trying to please and be nice to her and she just doesn't give a fuck. Why would i want to be around such a person? I don't deserve that man. I keep trying being so nice to her and she keeps being difficult and cold. Why do i even bother?

Anyways, tomorrow is her surgery. I will message her for that and next week for last dose of pfizer. And that's it. Maybe say happy b-day this autumn. IDK. 

 

Edited April 26, 2021 by Everyday

[Everyday]

I have practice at uni and is shit. Last Friday i had to dig holes when we should have learned about flowers. We dug holes as boys. The girls had to clean the greenhouse. What a waste of time. We didnt learn a thing.

 

Tomorrow i have my 1st vaccine with phizer. Told my family last night. My mom got mad i am getting vaccinated. She sent me some video about the conspiracy behind everything and some other bullshit. She said she is disappointed. 

Didn't drive since last week.

 

That's the 3rd day of meditation. Just 10 min.

 

Decided to stop waiting for that girl from work to go out with me. If she truly wanted to she would have found the time. She must feel awkward to reject me. Is ok. I like the office and the atmosphere. Why would i even think to destroy everything? Let's say we get together and break up. It will be really awkward and stressful. Leave her alone.

 

 

 

 

[Everyday]

Hey

 

Today i got late at work because i had last day of practice at uni. One of the girls i work with messaged me to ask if i am ok. She said she was worried it happened smth with me because i didn't tell anyone that i will arrive later. This was sweet. It made my day.

 

 

 

Edited April 27, 2021 by Everyday

[Everyday]

Hard to focus at work again

 

Felt so stupid for not even carrying that much that i am spending time with a girl who isn't right for me. I just didn't bother to think about it. I kept staying with her and just shut up. Uf. I was stupid as fuck.

 

Yesterday wished her good luck before her surgery. She said thx. At night messaged her to know if everything was fine. She said bla bla yes and thanks for carrying. I felt such a strange thing. Scared that she will message me to get back together. Lol. But in the same time i wanted her approval, to think that i am still nice. WTF?

[Everyday]

I was so scared the other day I will be weak and get back to her. I felt so relieved she didn’t speak with me more  or asked questions. I feel relived I am still far way from her. I felt so trapped and miserable with her that I didn’t even know it at some point.

 

I am stupid. I felt guilty and thought I have to be with her. But I didn’t get her pregnant or smth worse. I am not like my father.

 

Is still hard to face all the feelings I suppressed for over a year. I remember and is hard not to notice how stupid I was. Settling for scraps indeed..

 

 

 

 

 

Got vaccinated the other day. It was ok. Just a little pinch. My arm still hurts but nothing horrible. 

Edited April 29, 2021 by Everyday