165 Days Before College

[Everyday]

On 28/07/2020 at 9:10 AM, Everyday said:

The Erasmus office said we should postpone signing the papers till next year because it doesn't make sense to prepare so early. The company said is ok. I don't like this. I don't have any certainty they won't change their minds until next summer... 

Finally, it's March and i re-started discussion with the Erasmus office from my university. I have to fill some paper.

[Everyday]

Yesterday at 17 i was attending the first lecture of a permaculture i applied at uni because is interesting. My first wwofing experience in 2018 was at a place who was extremely interesting in this concept and just started out with it. 

I went out of the meeting room at went back to the office are where my colleagues were working. I felt so happy i am there, at the agency and don't have to go to my family business that day. I have a new set of problems now, much more fulfilling and appealing than the work i do for my family. 

I left at 18:00 and i was so fucking happy i go straight home afterwards. 

 

My sister, father, brother and his GF are still waiting for me to complain or to say i don't like it there. My father asked me for example if they will let me go to uni when it starts. I said yes and he was like oh, ok. Probably he thought i didn't think about it and i will return to work for my family.

My brother's GF tried to downgrade my work there with questions like: so you don't actually do the creatives for clients, right? You do just easy work on your laptop, right? Is not a big company, a good one, right? Isn't your work boring?       

My sister asked me if i really like it there, if my work is boring and some other questions to make it all look like no achievement at all for being hired. And some other stuff i dont remember

Edited March 4, 2021 by Everyday

[Everyday]

On 04/03/2021 at 9:11 AM, Everyday said:

My sister, father, brother and his GF are still waiting for me to complain or to say i don't like it there. My father asked me for example if they will let me go to uni when it starts. I said yes and he was like oh, ok. Probably he thought i didn't think about it and i will return to work for my family.

 

I am working from home on Thursdays and Fridays for the agency. But they still didn't give me smth to do alone. A work colleague said that's how things will be first weeks because we don't have much experience. My sister commented a lot that i stay home and do nothing.  Just minutes ago she asked why i don't also do my shift for the family business and i waste time at home. That i should help my family and so on. I told her again i don't like to work there and that she should actually stay there more, since she never stayed more than a 2 hours ever. She said but i don't to go. Man, this made me really angry and i wanted to insult her really bad. Why does she acts like this? Does she feel threatened i finally found a good place to work and i like it there? Does she feels inferior because i love what i do for work and she doesnt have a job? IDK.

[Everyday]

Had nothing to do for work yesterday. I was lazy. I should have kept watching that Udemy course on SEO so to be prepared for Monday. 

 

 

I filled in the learning agreement for Erasmus and sent it to my professor 2-3 days ago. I am still waiting for his response. The deadline is next week for this year Erasmus so he better hurry

 

 

I am studying accounting this semester. The professor never worked in the filed so she still speaks of the outdated accounting from the 90's. Is really sad. An older woman who is working at a company had some real questions to ask her about some accounting problems. She didn't know to answer. What a shame. How can you teach smth you never lived/ practiced or applied?

 

 

My sister went to Paris with a couple of friends last year, all couples. One couple got engaged (they are around 23 years old). Now, they are going to merry each other this summer. Wow. They have known each other for only 3 years.

My GF was over yesterday for a few hours. My sister bought a wedding dress and my GF liked it. I said again they got engaged and they are getting married way too early. She said i don't think so. I have HS colleagues who got engaged even after less years. Wow. Then my GF said if you would ask me to merry you i would say yes. WOW. I didn't not expect that at all. Wow. She said yes, i think they are getting married too early. But getting engaged at this age is alright. 

Edited March 6, 2021 by Everyday

[Everyday]

Couldn't drive this weekend because of the snowstorm

 

Drove alone in the car on Tuesday i think. My father was in front with other car. It was scary for not knowing what should i do at times but also more relaxing. 

 

Went swimming yesterday with the co-founder of the 1st internship, the guy who's managing sales. It was fun.

 

Have to go to work at noon  i will my father's shift for of 4h. Mine is 3h but i might see with her tonight so i cleared my schedule.

 

In a few days, at the very beginning of next week me and my GF celebrate 1 year together. Wow. When did time pass so quickly? Bought some stuff as gifts. Prepared smth special for our anniversary. My siblings keep asking me what and i refuse to tell them. I dont want them to criticise me for spending all my money. I wont have enough to go swimming next week or the one following. 

 

Anyhow, i am glad tomorrow i start work again at the agency. I wish i finished that seo course... I was just lazy.

 

I finished Brave New World on Netflix yesterday. Nine hours. What a world man... Found it fascinating. Liked the book reviews as well.

 

 

 

Edited March 7, 2021 by Everyday

[Everyday]

Don't think i will go to school physically in two months judging by the way the infections are rising. I don't mind. It will be easier to go to attend online from work.

 

I joined an optional permaculture course from uni with my friend. I had high expectations but by second lesson it was clear is not worth shit. The professors are old, no one actually practiced permaculture and they are just speaking common crap. For over 2 hours that granny was speaking about how the world is fucked up, how other ppl are doing abroad, etc but not much about permaculture. She was just talking and talking. Just stupid talk about stuff everyone knows about the environmental problems and so on but no hands on real personal experience about permaculture. 

The other 25 participants are in their 40s generally. But some are actually practicing permaculture. Hack, a girl is even licensed in this and definitely knows 10 times more than the professor. 

 

I am so happy i am going to work again  tomorrow.

 

Man, it was soooooo boring at work and at times tense. Very crowded. Saw a client i argued with last year. Nothing happened but i was very tense. So happy i wont have to go there till next weekend. I couldn't focus on doing anything productive. At home father and brother complained i dont care about our business. I really dont.  

 

My sister convinced my parents to take a break and have lunch downtown. My father got afraid and angry of the unknown and they started to argue =))))) He wanted to go the the local restaurant he already knew in our neighbourhood but mom wanted to go to a new place. They went downtown in the end. My father was very, very anxious and angry until he got used to the new restaurant.  Me and my siblings made fun of that but mom kept going and going that she accepted him with his anger and that she should keep tolerating it. Sad. 

 

Prepared some more recipients with minced mint, oregano and rosemary from my garden. I meant to do it for months. Kept postponing it.

 

Edited March 8, 2021 by Everyday

[Everyday]

On 07/03/2021 at 7:31 PM, Everyday said:

I am so happy i am going to work again  tomorrow.

 

The SEO guy gave me some stuff to do. He quizzed me about some so stuff. I felt so stupid for forgetting what we talked last week. I need to study more on my own. I was stressing i am not working hard and fast enough. Today he was surprised i am almost done with all that work. It was lots of stuff to do and is normal to take time.

 

On 07/03/2021 at 7:31 PM, Everyday said:

I joined an optional permaculture course from uni with my friend. I had high expectations but by second lesson it was clear is not worth shit. The professors are old, no one actually practiced permaculture and they are just speaking common crap. For over 2 hours that granny was speaking about how the world is fucked up, how other ppl are doing abroad, etc but not much about permaculture. She was just talking and talking. Just stupid talk about stuff everyone knows about the environmental problems and so on but no hands on real personal experience about permaculture. 

 

I was listening to a lecture on zoom while i was working at the agency. I was laughing so much while listening to what crap the professor was saying and texting with my friend who's taking the same course. It was so funny =))))) I had to mute the course because my colleagues were working and i kept laughing =))))))))))))))))) The professor spoke about the most general notions about agriculture, society and so on.... We didn't learn anything. Not one thing about permaculture. Two hours wasted. She even bragged about her unrelated projects. =)))))))))))))))) We nicknamed her the worm =))))))) The worm likes to speak crap, sooo much crap =))))))))))))))))

[Everyday]

On 06/03/2021 at 10:34 AM, Everyday said:

I filled in the learning agreement for Erasmus and sent it to my professor 2-3 days ago. I am still waiting for his response. The deadline is next week for this year Erasmus so he better hurry

 

I sent all documents yesterday morning for next summer's Erasmus internship:)))))))))))

I will write an email today for the company to ask them to fill the learning agreement. My professor still didnt fill it

Edited March 12, 2021 by Everyday

[Everyday]

 

On 12/03/2021 at 0:37 AM, Everyday said:

I will write an email today for the company to ask them to fill the learning agreement. My professor still didnt fill it

I wrote and scheduled it for Monday at 8.

 

I kept eating junk food last months, last month weekly. I see now i got fatter.

 

I shaved my beard yesterday, Feels weird. I havent done this in 2 years. Still didnt get used to seeing myself in the mirror. I liked it a lot to shave my whole beard with the straight razor.

 

Work at the agency is 3 days physically and 2 online. I asked if i can work from the office because is hard to focus from home. The owners and the seo guy kept coming at my desk asking me if i am ok, if i need some help, how am i doing. wow. i didnt expect to be so nice. all my other colleagues are at home. They ordered lunch and refused me to give them the money for what i ordered. i didnt expect that. 

 

Today, Finished all i had to do for SEO at 16. Ate junk food in a park afterwards =))  

At work, the company owners invited me to work with them in their office. They are very nice with me.  The SEO guy didnt come to work so it was a free desk in their office. They gave me a bunch of advice about digital marketing, and answered all my questions. 

 

I don't have to go to work  for my parents this weekend or the next. They cant afford to pay me right now so i wont go. Wasn't paid for last weekend either. I feel so happy about it. But in the same time afraid i have to do smth productive with my time instead.

 

I re-started brewing kombucha. I am at the second batch. It was stupid to wait for so long for soo long for a new SCOBY to form.

 

I'll go to visit my GF next Friday. Wont stay overnight because i don't want to see her parents again. She doesn't want to stay at a hotel. I don't want her parents to think i am coming over there just to eat and drink. Already been there twice since this year started. They judge me a lot and is very stressful for me to put up with that. I am paranoid i will make some mistake with them or worse. 

Edited March 13, 2021 by Everyday

[Everyday]

had a bad day. woke up by a bad dream. i was in NL, in an expensive restaurants, drank to soda cans and was looking to get a full menu. then i remembered i have only 2 bucks in my wallet. felt so lonely and sad. after i woke up remembered how i used to spend everything i had and buy junk foood, watch tv series and wait for a change, for a day i say i had enough and stop altogether. 

Two years later i am doing the same. worse even since junk food is cheaper. i feel bad for doing this . i was never eating so much junk food so often. still watching tv series. no LP since last year. gave up with pc exercises, skip days for back exercises, dont cook much, and so on.

 

i had a feeling i will have an accident if i drive with my father. i said i am too tried and bailed on him. he got upset. 

 

I will drive tomorrow. On the highway and out of the city 

 

i was very sad and exhausted today. i did not go to work for my family but i did nothing very productive. i fell asleep while watching the SEO Udemy course.

 

My friend from uni called me very drunk. he is 40 smth. he is single and had lots of shitty relationships over the years. he told me it took him 5 years with his last GF to get to love her. wow. 5 years together without loving her. he also said he broke up with the girl before before they were supposed to merry. he said he didn't love her and couldn't merry her. he still feels guilty

is this what i will do? Will i be with a girl i have doubts about for years and years until ? she moves on or some miracle happens and i say smth? I think of the people who are married or living with their spouse but do not love him/her. Feels very grim. Will i be one of them? I try to think of people who go so far to have a child with a person they have doubts with. Is that a life? How do they feel?

I think often how i will tell her i want to break up after returning from Belgium in autumn. Funny, i could fix this with a single phone call but i complicate myself soooooooo much. I don't think i have what it takes to keep going and say in 2 years- its over bye. I also think if i will find work there realistically speaking. I am hoping things will just happen to me and solve themselves out. But i also ask myself - will i actually be better alone? How will i feel in a few months or years? Will i regret? Is this the right choice? How do i know that? 

 

 

 

 

i imagined staying in this city for the rest of my life. felt scared to go back to nl, how will i find a job? i thought of rising a child is this polluted city and it felt wrong. staying here feels wrong. what life is here? so much corruption and bad people. 

 

 

 

 

i am pleasing people so much. everyone. i thought that i don't want to disappoint the guys from Belgium if i don't like at their company or if i decide i like PPC and SEO more. 

 

If I was living alone now i would be do drugs, besides watching tv series, movies, junk food and fapping. I live with my family and work so i can do this every night. Just waiting to hit rock bottom at some point. To say one day.... no more. One day i will get back on track and shit. i was quite driven before i got back with her in this relationship. I feel comfortable and lazy now. As i was before. I thought i can control myself but i was wrong. 

 

I added pics with my experiments to the email for the Belgium company. I saw pics dating from last summer until now. I felt so bad for staying day after day in that job for my family. I cant believe i put up with that shit for so long. I feel stupid. i could just walk away man, i could have done much more shit anyways. 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited March 13, 2021 by Everyday

[Everyday]

I need a break of this forum. I want to come back in a few weeks, ideally one month. I have been spending too much time on it. I miss the days i was just writing down my entries and then i would leave without checking other journals out of curiosity. Actually, more for entertainment. Often i skim through some journals i like. I am also checking again the dating forum which is just pure entertainment. I see the same topics all the time. 

 

I need a break of junk food, tv series, movies, being lazy and so on. I need to read some books i know will help me. 

 

Swimming would help but i think i have around 10 bucks left. I have to wait until next week to get money again. 

Update: I thought of telling her i need some space for a few days too

Edited March 13, 2021 by Everyday

[Everyday]

 

Finally, here is what i have been doing lately:

 

Offline journal 1

 

14 March 21 Sunday

 

Mom got in a fight with my sister. They yelled to each other for hours. Father did the same after work.

 

It started because I got this job now and this means there is more pressure for her to stop doing nothing all day. She doesn't like it. Maybe that's the reason she's not supportive. I also told parents to put her to work instead of me (they suggested I should get some days off to do my father shifts.).

 

Realised there are harder jobs there and they complain for nothing for staying 12h or 8h.

 

Woke up at 5.30. Drove with father. I got scared because I was close to hit a car. I was sooo nervous. I drove 262km. I was very anxious. I should have drove before. Didn't for weeks. 

 When we arrived I had lots of physical work to do. 

 

Felt shitty for he rest of the day because driving. Man is so fucking stressful. My gf tried to make me feel better but didn't really work. I told her I need some space and she said is not such a big problem you have wiht driving. It's for me. I am ashamed of it OK? 

 

15.march 21 Monday.

 

I signed the contract with the agency. That's my first contract! Yey. I checked it again and again. I feel happy. I thought of not telling my parents and siblings about the salary. It's actually double the average salary in my country. When the owner told me this 3 weeks ago I wasn't sure if is before tax or not. 

 

My siblings will be envious. Especially my sis. She told me many times how is not a great place because of what I presumed its average salary. Weird I don't like people to envy me. 

 

I am going to save money to have for this summer.

 

I have some money I didn't change since last year. It's my last stash of money. I won't have money to visit her and I don't want to lend again. I changed them in the end. Wasted them.

 

 

16 March 21, Tuesday 

 

No back exercises yesterday. Watched 2 movies. Was lazy. 

 

Told her I need a few days alone. She said ok but it was clear she didn't like it. She didn't call me this morning. I feel bad for doing this but also very good. 

 

I feel relief I don't have to call her tonight. 

 

I was shaking and feel anger when I told her. I didn't expect her to accept my behaviour and request. Don't know if I'll truly feel better on Friday or Thursday night. Ooooof. 

 

10. 22. I feel very scared she's going to text me/she is getting upset I still didn't messaged her. That's what I need and I feel guilty about it.

 

Reserved tickets to her town for this Friday. I won't tell my family what I'm doing. I have to change the euros tomorrow. 

 

 I was a Lil bored at work. I guess that's normal. It will get better. Paid on shit food again. I would have paid even mooore.

 

I am still afraid she'll call me. I got used to speak wiht her. But also I feel good not doing so. I will call her on Thursday night. I will feel better. 

 

Checked actualized org forum. Read a post of x and saw none commented on my journal.

 

I have 73kg. 

 

I solved I big problem with work over here. I have a well paid job. I am of course stressed of other problems. But is alright. This job is more than I ever dreamed of. Financial security, money, status, fun, exciting, good workplace, and so many other stuff man...

 

17 March 21 wed

It was hard last night to not call her. Afraid of what she might say. But if she breaks up with me is ok if the doesnt is ok. Lol. I see I also developed a habit to speak to her every night. I missed it but also felt relieved. After one hour I feel still afraid she'll dump me if I keep this break for a few more days. Is alright. I want this deep down. I guess I love and care for her even if there are things which upset me about her. I am checking the time until I can speak with her again. I wonder how she feels now. I am curious how will work out.

 

I feel more relieved i don't have to speak with her anymore but also scared she won't think the same about me. Again, it's about what she thinks rather than my happiness. It's just an experiment.

 

I forgot about her during lunch break.

 

I want to get paid sooner. I want to spend those money asap. I want to buy that and this

 

The hardest to not message her was in early morning, early afternoon and at night.

 

 

18 March 21 Thursday

This morning I felt more at ease that I am not speaking to her. I don't have to listen to her problems anymore. I watched movies to keep myself entertained. I am curious how she'll react 2night. 

 

I am imagining all kinds of scenarios meeting with high school colleagues. Like that x will message me and invite me to his wedding. Or that x, x or someone else will. That they are speaking about me, imagining I am not doing good because I don't post anything on Facebook. That I would show them online how successful I am now or how I'll be in the future. How they'll see online how successful I am on LinkedIn. I imagined I will get in conversation with x and he'll invite me to work for him and his fake company. How I will tell him I am earning lots of money and he sucks.

 

My sister asked me to give her some money from my salary. I earn x  amount of mony in total combined with the scholarship i have. She's envious. I am still comprehending the gains this job offered me. I like it, I am getting payed to do smth I like. I am learning a lot. I also have free time. I realize I wanted stability, comfort and to do smth I like. I like to get comfortable and spend all the money I have. I like to live the life. I like to know there is money coming and I don't have to ask from my family for them. Thx God! Is so relieving.

 

My family can't use money to control me. Ywy. Wow. Such a big difference. 

 

I will message her after work. I am curious if she'll want to speak with me and if she'll take revenge.

 

Saw x girl during a webinar. I felt amazing. In love. And felt even more detached from my gf. I still feel like glowing. X messaged me to thank me for being there for her. Wow. She's amazing. Man... If she would be my gf... Oh man. Omg. 

 

I called my gf. She's a mess. She wasn't as excited to hear from me as I expected. We'll speak at 8. I feel guilty  but I really needed space.

 

It's crazy how I forgot about her after 3 days. I feel bad about everything But I can't do more. I want a girl with less trauma and problems. I imagine I will meet a better girl. I imagine we will break up and i will call x and be happy. 

 

It's funny how I pulled back all words and attitude I use with her when we speak on the phone or are together. Anyways, i felt the desire to have a new gf. To start over.

 

She called me around 20:30. She seemed a little warmer.

 

We spoke around 22. She said it was horrible without me. She had 3 horror days. She felt hurt I didn't discuss my problems with her. She said she struggled to not message me. She slept a lot to avoid messaging me.

 

I feel guilty but in the same time happy. I needed that break. She is upset, ok so what? I needed that soooo much.

 

I got upset on her. She said again but you should drive more. I had 1300 km first week. She kept on bragging and I got angrier. I thought this relationship will end so shut up and be nice for now. I tell this to myself often these days.

 

19 March 21 Friday. 

 

Felt guilty for not being at work. 

Took the train for 4 our because delays. Spend 3 h with her and then left. We had sex and ate takeaway. Spoke some more. Three h later i was back home. My family didnt know. I told them i cant miss work on fridays. if they knew that i can for now i would be working for them again.

 

My friend from uni was amazed that my father isnt happy i got a job. My friend said: so he doesnt want you to be better than him? what?

 

 

 

Offline journal 2

 

She said she missed me a lot. That she was afraid I will leave her. That she wanted to call mom because she was so worried for not hearing anything from me. 

My back hurts. 

 

The kombucha is bitter because I left the tea leaves too long.

 

20 March 21 Saturday.

 

Woke up at 5. Jerked off to porn. Did two more times. Uh.

 

I was thinking that I can message x to ask if she knows anyone into SEO who wants a job. I thought I will ask her out in October, after I leave my gf. Yeah. I felt so much joy just thinking about her and doing that. I thought I'll invite her to take a bike ride with me in x park. That we'll stop for a coffee. And so on... 

 

Asked father how much they earn from the family business. Not much. Is not going good lately. I am happy I don't work there anymore. 

 

My brother doesn't like he has to work there all day tomorrow cuz my father will be gone. I am happy I am not there anymore. 

 

Buy this and that. bla bla 

 

She messaged me spontaneity then she misses me soo much. I don't that much right now. 

 

My parents started arguing.  

 

x turned cold with our message exchange. I fear she's not into me after all. 

 

I am getting excited thinking of the things I'll buy man. I'll have x amount each month. That's crazy. I will buy a mouse. A new mattress, clothes, a new phone maybe, 

 

I will pay any car damages wiht x money per month

 

I re organised my wardrobe. Lots of clothes I still don't wear. Washed some clothes. I wanted to watch a movie but didn't because was time to leave. Drove a little 

 

I didn't continue the SEO thing

 

I need to buy more T shirts and shirts. A longer jacket. 

 

21 March 21. Sunday 

 

Got drunk at my fried from uni last night. Spoke with her on he phone. She was worried. Told Marius about some of her problems. I felt guilty next day. He didn't mention it again. 

 

Messaged her through out the day. She missed me. She also said yesterday she misses me. 

 

22 March 21 Monday. 

 

The guy from Erasmus didn't replay to my email since last Wednesday. Asked him is the document I sent alright? He got mad I didn't start my email with hello! Jesus. I don't like this guy at all. I apologised of course. 

 

I might stay in this company for 5 years and then leave to the Netherlands. I want to learn more about SEO and PPC. I might stay with her too. Just hanging out with her. Maybe a child. Sex. Affection. But still feel I am missing out in the dating scene. 

 

I started a course about SEO at the agency. I am taking it with 5 new girls. My gf asked me how the 5 girls look like. If I find them very attractive or not. And so on. Actually some of them are attractive. My gf has a friend who met her bf in 5th grade. They stayed together all these years until recently when he cheated her for not giving him enough money. He met a girl at work. My girlfriend got very scared this will happen to me too.

 

23march 21 tuesday. 

 

One of them, is showing me interest even if she has a bf. Wow. I imagined fucking her. She looks familiar. I think I met her before. I felt stupid for not knowing more about SEO and ppc today. 

 

Spoke more with a female work colleague. Feel some affection from her. Is weird. 

 

Felt like shit I didn't finish that shit for x at work. Fuck. I should have worked overnight. 

 

I called the erasmus guy to apologize. I was afraid and scared. He just said no worries. All good. Just dont do it again. He said the folder is prepared and waiting for them to choose someone. Weird. I thought I'm already in. Hm. I hope he appreciated my effort. 

 

I feel weak and afraid last few days. Afraid of confrontation. Fuck m y parents business. Fuck it. So happy I'm not going there anymore. 

 

I am thinking of returning to krav soon. Once a week. 

 

I got the scholarship money today. I was so happy. I was afraid I won't have any until the end of the week. I keep spending money on food at work. Uh. 

 

I thought of cheating my gf with one of the girls from SEO or work. Uh. But I am worried of how she'll react. Hm. Of not finding a girl to love me like she does, not finding a girl to be open to sex. 

 

Remember to stop your anxiety, negative thoughts. Keep focused. 

 

 

 

 

24 March 21 Wednesday 

 

She stayed with me until 4 am on wapp video while i was finishing smth for the SEO course. She said if you leave me I won't blame you. She said I should be there for you and I'm not. She said that she is not there for me when i need, that this happened with her friend who got cheated etc.

 

Is my father's b day. I am alright. 

 

 

 

 

25 March 21 Thursday 

 

Wanted to eat junk food. Ate together with one of the owners from Mc. The Vietnamese restaurant i knew was closed. 

 

The Belgian company who accepted me last year announced this summer internship is canceled due to Corona. Fuck. This ruins my Plans. I have to either postpone my departure or cancel it altogether. Uh. I have to be with her another year. How the fuck will I break up with her then? What story will I make up to break up with her e eventually? 

 

I did not finish that shit for x  fuck. Not even today man. Jesus. Fuck. Shit. He is going to get mad man. Fuck my life man. Didnt do much work for PCC. Focused too much on SEO

 

Thought more what should I do regarding her. Should I stay in here? Should I try to move to NL instead? 

 

 

 

26 March 21 Friday. 

 

Finished what I had for PPC. Started for SEO. Met wiht x after work. He was super drank. I felt sad for him. All alone at 40. Very sad. No real friends around. No girl and people to care for him. Soo sad dude.  It was sad to see my friend form uni so fucked up. Soo drunk, alone and sad. No one called for him. He could just die there, in the park will I be like him, wiht money and depraved? He drinks so much is sad. Looks like I was in NL. Fapping, taking drugs and being alone. Felt so lonely there. 

 

Brother looked down on me and said speaking with my sis boyfriend: hahaha everyday is that guy who goes to work and doesnt want more from life haahhahahahah . he isnt like us, a businessman =)))))))))) Felt bad. Didn't wanted to insult him but I said I like my job, yes. He was bitching for staying at the family business until 17. Told my gf and she said so what? You also worked until 18. That's right. 

 

 

 

Offline journal 3

 

27 martie 21 Saturday.

 

Last night decided to take the train and see my gf.

 

I have to stay at the family business tomorrow because my parents are away in the mountains for the new house. I don't like that. I didn't bitch. Brother said he stayed until 17 yesterday so he has plans for next day. I should have said my sister should go or smth.

 

I think brother and my sis boyfriend are not happy because I make more money than them. I like my job. They don't have that. My brother has less time because of my job. I don't care. I was working for him and he was acting like some kind of boss. And I am smarter than him. It was a shame to work there man. One year and a half. Fuck.

 

My mom stayed at the family business because it was too much for my brother. Lol. So what? Let's complain. I am happy I don't have to stay all day there because my father is building that house and isnt doing his shifts.

 

 

 

29 March 21 Monday

 

Drove with father. Told him to stop Criticising me. It worked for a while. I felt good. I wanted him to keep telling me what to do. Didn't know driving rules very well. He shut up but kept complaining. 

 

 He yelled at me as usually and changed the lines too fast even if a car was coming behind. The driver got mad and kept honking and yelling at me. Long story short my father got off the car, opened that guy's door and threatened him. He almost shit himself. After we left he got ballsy and showed us the middle finger. I only swear at him. Didnt know how to react. This whole situation would not have happened if my father would have left me alone to drive at my speed.

 

Afterwards, Mom said father complained about my driving. She said why don't you just pay somone to do some driving hours? Is that simple. I was bitchy. But she's right.

 

My father keeps yelling at me and I am not getting better at driving with him. I keep being afraid, feeling like shit and making driving worse than already is. Is not a good teacher. I am not getting better with him. I need to trust myself and he just keeps yelling. My gf said the same last time I drove with him, the time I felt like utter shit and needed a break for 3 days. I said is impossible to drive wiht someone else but i knew she's right.

I thought about what my gf and mom said. Decided to not drive with my father again. Is a waste of time. My gf's step father offered to drive with me. I declined before but is time to do it.

 

I should have quit driving wiht father a while ago. He is not helping me with driving. Just yelling.

 

 

30 martie 21, Tuesday

 

Have the Erasmus interview at 12. x and x, same year as me are in this meeting as well. I wonder if they know me. I have more chances than them but I am more insecure. I'm really a credible candidate. I am not giving myself enough credit. 

The interview was just a joke. All ppl got admitted. They said i am not allowed two internships but i can go to study instead. Definitely NL.

 

I thought during the SEO training to quit my dreams to work and live abroad. I want to give up to live abroad. I want to stay here wiht her. What will I do abroad? I don't speak Dutch man.

 

So I spoke with the erasmus guy. I chose not to go this year at x but rather next year in summer. And in 4th year at university abroad. But this would mean at the end of 3rd year and then 6 months from 4th year. 9 months man. Idk if they'll want me back.

 

I would go just to say I went. Just for drugs. Just to say I was there. I would care what we study. But while staying here I would learn a lot, soo much man. Soo much at the digital marketing agency.

 

I feel bad for not going this summer. I feel worried of what I'll do with Raluca. How will I break up with her, now? Will I have to wait until next summer? Is Insane, man. I feel even more worried.

 

I don't see how I'll be able to work in NL or be, by staying here longer. Sucks, dude. I wanted to break up with her this fall or at the end of the year. I feel sad now. Sounds like utter crap. So fucking shit, man. Off.

 

At least I will have more SEO and ppc experience by then. I feel sad I am not learning more from the seo guy. I see SEO, now as more interesting. But I want to learn them both. the seo guy will still give me shit to do.

 

And I like PPC. The seo guy said is more creative. So cool. More work and thinking. Maybe I will switch later. 

 

I got paid today. My 1st salary. Yey. I feel good.

 

I won't be seeing my gf tonight. Her stepdad is sick af from covid second vaccination. That sucks. Bummer but I was understanding with her.

 

Got on the waiting list for Pfizer vaccine. 

 

Decided to not drive with father anymore. He is nuts. He Is also to blame for sucking at driving. He keeps criticizing me and makes driving worse than it needs to be. 

 

Drove with brother. He didn't get emotional and yelled too much. 

 

 

 

1apr 21, Thursday.

 

Watched the rest of a movie at work.

 

Felt guilty overall for watching movies all the time. For not doing productive stuff in my free time like reading. Feel bad.

 

I spoke with her to come next week and stay from Friday night to Sunday morning. Her parents said they are waiting for me.

 

I feel like a loser for not being able to leave with Erasmus this summer. But I do love my job. I want to stay here for now.

 

I feel bad now, cuz I wanted to go be to change my life. I am not doing much besides work now. Ooof.

 

Maybe I'll switch to SEO in a few years. Idk. I feel bad for not doing better at PPC. Forgot lots of information. Oooof.

 

I messaged x girl for her b-day. Man I felt attraction love and pissed I am with gf instead of x. She sent me a heart to my message. Does this mean she's into me.? I was scared my gf will find out. I imagined dumping my gf for x. But this girl must have a BF. She's tooo cool

 

She made fun of my city. I thought that I have to listen to this until I break up with her.

 

Drove with brother a few days ago.. It was good. Stills cared. Helped he didn't insult me. 

 

 

2 apr21

She's feeling sick. Has been for 2 days. 

 

Ate JUNK FOOD at work. Felt bed. 

 

 

3 apr 21 Saturday

 

Woke up tried. Listened to optimize about procrastination. Felt bad about myself. Felt better after listening how I need to stop waiting to feel like doing stuff and just do them.

 

Found the notebook I have been preparing for my gf since December. I haven't written in it for almost a month. I realized I need to feel in last month and the notebook is ready. I can give it to her next weekend on our anniversary. I wrote a reason i love her everyday. I used messaged texts we had to remember some days better to write about them.

 

I was thinking to buy the Manscaped stuff, the electric teapot and some clothes. 

 

I did pc exercises. Feel bad for stopping it again. 

 

I want to meditate. Don't know where to start from. Asked the seo guy for guidance. He went to a vipassana retreat a few weeks ago. He is into self help.

 

I thought of starting krav again. I want to loose waight. I feel bad. 

 

I have been relaxing by watching TV series at night. 

 

Wanted to ask the seo guy where to buy better shirts. 

 

I was thinking about the ppl form high school. Meeting wiht them. How I'd be ashamed with my gf. How I would be happier wiht x girl. How awesome she is. 

 

I was thinking I want to check them on FB. To make fun of them. I imagined them making fun of me and I would respond very bitter. 

 

I thought of restarting krav. Not the best thing for my back but yeah.. Maybe just to take those belts. Idk. Still thinking about it. 

 

 

 

7apr21, Wednesday 

 

Finished fast to set up the leftover campaigns. Went to SEO. All was good. The PPC guy didn't comment anything. He was upset yesterday i havent one work for ppc even if thats my primary job.

 

She seems colder last few days. She said I miss her by a lot after she saw her BFF. This girls is nuts. She had sex 1st time last year. Before that she used to take pills for no reason at all, even if she wasnt having sex. She had sex with some guy but stopped using the pills for some reason. Got pregnant. She had an abortion. She is 21 like my GF. Afterwards, she kept having sex with him. This guy treated her like shit. She cheated on her and so on. Is crazy.

I was like wtf??????????????????????? Why is she staying with this asshole if is just sex and he's treated like crap?????? My gf said because maybe she said he is good in bed. She said this guy has some status in their town =)))This answer shocked me. She said she did the same with some guys before me. I am still trying to pretend i am ok with this. I cant stop thinking she got banged buy many guys before me. I feel insecure and jealous. 

 

She said she bought me a gift. I'm curious. Didn't expect. I finished her present last night. Heheeh. I'm curious of her reaction. Huh. 

 

 

Offline 4.

 

Got some new condoms. Cant wait to fuck her with them

 

Finished her gift yesterday for gooooooood.

 

 

7apr21 wednesday 

 

She seen my messages from earlier. She didn't respond or called me. Asked her how she and she said just I'm driving. She is cold since she's sick. I don't like that.

 

I thought she's going to be like that when we move together. Reason to break up with her in.

 

I spoke with her. She was miserable. Had a shit day. Just shit shit shit. That's why she was so cold. I should have been more sad speaking with her. Speaking with me was the last thing she wanted.

 

Why get angry and upset? You don't want to talk to her either.

 

 

 

8apr21 Thursday.

 

She couldn't sleep. Oooof. Fuck. She's miserable. Is hard not to message her non stop. I'm afraid she will think I don't care.

 

I'll ask if she still wants to come to see me this weekend or not. She's cold again. What a bitch.

 

She seen my texts again. Jesus. Ooof. 

 

I dont want to go to NL and have problems with fucking immigrants. Better stay here, with her.  I watched some extremist videos online. Got scared. I know isnt that bad but still. 

 

 

This morning I watched a porn. One with 2 guys and one girl. My gf told me she had sex with two guys at the same time. One of them was her sex buddy and beat her at the end. Long story. I am still feeling weird about my gf for having sex with two dudes in the same time. WTF. i know isnt a big deal but i cant act normal about this. Never told her i wish she had less partners before me. I know she loves me but i still wish she would not have had so many guys through her bad. Maybe if i had more experience myself i wouldnt mind. 

 

Mom asked me for money. I don't have enough to be honest to give her. I spent my money on junk food. Father barely gives her money and we didnt buy lots of groceries in a while. Jesus. And I'm eating junk food like a pig.

 

Ate a lot from the subway with the one of the owners. Later, got food from McDonald's alone. Two big menus just for me. I ate so much i felt sick. I stopped working. Watched some movies. Felt horrible, like i used to be in NL for overeating. I see i got used to eat more and one menu wont give me pain now. Felt so sick. 

 

Watched porn at home. Fapped. I am disgusting. Ewwww. Just no.

 

Watched pics of my gf on FB and her friends. Wooot? Felt weird to call her my gf. It felt weird that that girl loves me. Can't see it. She's too busy for me now. Maybe she avoided me on purpose last few days. 

 

I wonder if I'll see her tomorrow. I want sex. Don't you? Just to bang her man. Is sooo rarely now. It sucks. I feel stupid for being wiht her. Thought and searched for reasons to break up...... 

 

Waited alllllllll day for her to message me. I still expect her to call or message me. Doesn't happen like it used to. I think she will be mad if I don't. Bullshit. Huge bullshit. Leave her alone dude. 

 

I am on my way home. Have a test at 19

 

I could have worked but chose to overeat to reset my schedule again. ..

 

She was friendlier to me when we spoke earlier. Packed my backpack and going to her tomorrow after work. I asked her 5 times if she wants me to not see her. She isnt ok now. After some time speaking she said ok speak tomorrow with you i have to do some stuff for uni. 

 

 

[Everyday]

On 09/04/2021 at 3:40 AM, Everyday said:

She was friendlier to me when we spoke earlier. Packed my backpack and going to her tomorrow after work. I asked her 5 times if she wants me to not see her. She isnt ok now. After some time speaking she said ok speak tomorrow with you i have to do some stuff for uni. 

Left by train to see her at noon, last Friday and got back this morning right in time for work. 

Drove with her step dad for a few hours on Saturday. Got more confident in my skills. Drove with her too. I saw how bad is to drive with my father who is yelling like an animal at me. I felt drained every single time. Her step dad told me to keep driving alone each day to get experience. When i returned today, i drove around 20 min alone. It was alright even if i was tense. It is ok. 

 

On Sunday, her parents got upset on me for some stuff i said with a rude ''attitude''.  I didn't even realise it. They told her and she told me - we argued about it. She was already in a bad mood so i just let her yell and be nervous. I thought right there and then to dump her. I didn't. Felt upset on the whole situation the whole day. She kept saying get over it and shit like this. Some small stuff happened too and just made me wish to get home faster.

 

I realised that seeing her parents is damaging our relationship. Is the third time we fight because smth i did without realising i shouldn't and they got mad. First time is was one of the reasons she broke up with me. So next time i see her it will be just for a few hours or i will stay at a hotel. 

 

I was so tired at work today at some point i had to walk a little to wake up. 

My parents were fighting when i arrived.

[Everyday]

 

 

[Everyday]

I went to university for a test for less than two hours. I got a good grade even if i didn't study. The professor was nice to us. I felt extremely tired and drained afterwards. Very strange. Don't feel the same at work. Less people showed up than i expected. 

I was happy i am going to work at the agency after university ended. 

 

Went swimming. Swimming crawl and butterfly is much better. 

 

Went driving alone, further than ever. It was alright. Still tense. I am not looking forward to driving even if i want to get better at it.

 

On 12/04/2021 at 11:20 PM, Everyday said:

I realised that seeing her parents is damaging our relationship. Is the third time we fight because smth i did without realising i shouldn't and they got mad. First time is was one of the reasons she broke up with me. So next time i see her it will be just for a few hours or i will stay at a hotel. 

Had an argument with my GF on Monday. Waited for her to finish her test yesterday. Last night i told her my arguments and she dismissed them and found a way it was all my fault.  I tried to make her see my point of view but she couldn't. Today i went to walk before uni. I realised she doesn't understand me. All the time she finds a way to make it my fault.

Edited April 16, 2021 by Everyday

[Everyday]

14 hours ago, Everyday said:

Had an argument with my GF on Monday. Waited for her to finish her test yesterday. Last night i told her my arguments and she dismissed them and found a way it was all my fault.  I tried to make her see my point of view but she couldn't. Today i went to walk before uni. I realised she doesn't understand me. All the time she finds a way to make it my fault.

 

I broke up with my girlfriend half our ago.

 

 

 

 

 

We spoke on what's up video call. Told her again how i feel and that i wish she would understand me better. She torn all my arguments and examples to pieces. I have to say she is right about some aspects. I waited for her to realise what i want without communicating and didn't even realise it. She told me again is all my fault i didn't communicate my problems earlier. Still felt she turned it on me again. Felt misunderstood even if some things she got right.

 

I cant explain but something about this relationship made me want not to keep it for a long time. It always felt wrong. She was too much like my father. All those guilt trips about me probably moving abroad made me feel horrible.

 

All the time it was something i was tolerating or not accepting, and it build up. I think i hit a maximum point on Monday when she yelled at me. I wanted to break up with her right there and then. I couldn't tolerate it anymore since then. Usually, i would have felt better and behaved nicely but this time was different. It was too much to suppress it. It felt like an obligation since Monday to call her and send her messages.

 

This relationship thought me a lot but is time to move on. I should have done this a long time ago. I didn't have what it takes. I do now.

 

I feel relieved that is over (again) =))))))))))))))))

 

Edited April 16, 2021 by Everyday

[Bubba66]

What are your top three highest impact, most authentic, and most engaging habits you have explored so far? What do you plan to keep doing regardless of course-demands and social obligations ?? (yes it is healthy to have these in school)

For me, my top three habits that make me actually excited to start each day is:

1) fun outdoor workout. Sprint up hill, climb trees, outdoor chores, rock climbing.

2) Creative writing; I alternate from vision exercises, research on my business, or simply writing a story or song lyrics. No matter the intent; I write in a self-reflective way for 1 hour every single day. I use Onenote for my “commonplace book” (see Leos video on that)

 

3) take 10 minutes to break the day up into 90 minute segments; plan breaks and implement a “hard stop” time. This is usually 5:30pm for me; past this point, I free read and play guitar. 
 

I work part time, school full time (between both about 60hrs of obligations per week); and I feel like these 3 habits give me that feeling of free time I am always looking for. After implementing them, my mood and creativity increased, and my fitness habit is consistent bc I personalized it to be fun for me. 
 

just some ideas there, hope they help! Good luck in school!

 

 

 

 

 

[Everyday]

21 hours ago, Everyday said:

I broke up with my girlfriend half our ago.

 

We spoke on what's up video call. Told her again how i feel and that i wish she would understand me better. She torn all my arguments and examples to pieces. I have to say she is right about some aspects. I waited for her to realise what i want without communicating and didn't even realise it. She told me again is all my fault i didn't communicate my problems earlier. Still felt she turned it on me again. Felt misunderstood even if some things she got right.

 

After this journal entry i felt guilty and wanted to message her to apologise. And i thought over and over again and came to the same conclusion that i don't want to spend my life with her, i just want to be now with her but not really. It is a mess in my head.

I came to the conclusion that is best to end it now, then to get back to her and end it again after a few months or next year. One of these days i will have to get trough a break up and i am just delaying it. I will have to let her go and deal with that fact that i don't see myself with her in the future. Can it be fear of commitment? Feels like i did not find her right for me since the beginning of the relationship, somehow i got very attached of her with all her flaws. I cant even understand what i feel exactly for her.

 

I made a list of positive and negatives to stay with her. 

Positives: 17

Negatives: 38

 

I am wasting her time with my games. Is not right. Last weekend she spoke about our house together in the countryside. I thought about it and got scared. I don't want to have our house, and that life together in the future... i want fun now. Felt guilty for playing along with her.

She will have 3 shitty weeks following. I could have waited some more to break up. Is not fair.

 

She said i care too much of her parents opinion. It is true. I care of her opinion of me even more. I would call her to apologise just to be sure she doesn't hate me. But again, i don't see myself together with her in the long run. Not the same way she sees us. I see a life with her full of suppressed emotions and complains. Last night i thought i should have talked with her about these stuff life we agreed  way before getting to that point.

I know it would be the best to leave her alone but a part of me wants her back. In the end i do love and miss her, in my own way. Reading my private journal from the time she broke up with me made me feel weird. I was more detached of her than i am now. But again, i want her until next year and then i will break up with her. 

 

She debunked all my positives and it was clear i have no idea what i am saying. In the end it came to the conclusion i should have talked to her. I was shocked. I didn't think she would understand if we spoke about it. I didn't even try to speak with her, i thought she would not listen. Instead of giving her real reasons to break up i kept saying you don't understand me over and over. I didn't know what else to say.

 

I felt sick today. Couldn't eat much. My father said i look pale and sick. He asked me what is wrong.

 

Being with her for a few more months, a year or more seems the worst thing i can to do her. I still feel wrong about being with her for years and years.

 

Hardest thing now? Letting her go and let build her own life without me.

Easiest thing now? To tell her i am sorry and keep the relationship going some more time until i will end it. I would delay the inevitable. 

Edited April 16, 2021 by Everyday

[Everyday]

I felt very sick and guilty for behaving with her like i did yesterday.

I was close to message her but stopped. I thought of the girl that helped me on my 1st attempt to get hired at a digital marketing agency. I want to ask her out, i wanted to since i met her over a year and six months ago. Never did. I have to let myself to be with a girl i do want and let go of punishing myself by being with my ex out of guilt. I felt hope and warm when i thought of that girl, that i should be happy too. 

 

I never had to wait until i return from my internship to break up with my gf and move on with my life. To use that as a pretext. It was very weak from me to wait for that to move on. If i accepted the situation and moved on earlier i would not be in this current situation. I have to accept i will feel guilty for some time but it will pass. I cant keep being with my gf and doing this to me and us as a relationship. Is hard to accept what i have been doing for last year, lying to a girl because my own fears and insecurities but i have to deal with it. The best thing i can do now is to leave her alone.

 

I never wanted to be with my girlfriend long term. It was never smth i wanted(with some exceptions). I kept tolerating her red flags and everything i didn't like at her from the beginning because i thought i cant be with a girl i truly like. I thought i will be with her for a little until she will dump me. My mistake i kept the relationship going out of desperation. I kept pretending to be ok with whatever she threw at me because in my head it was in the name of practice. Here i am over a year later and i decide to let her go. She deserves better. I cant keep destroying her life. I cant offer the life she wants.

 

I have to be strong and let her go. I was an asshole long enough. Move on. I am not trapped. Is all in my head. I don't have to keep reconciling with her. Accept that you don see yourself with her in the future and leave her alone. I don't have to keep being with her out of guilt. She probably hates me now and is alright. I had this coming for over a year.

 

Things will be good in the end. Move on.

Is time to take responsibility of what i have been doing to this girl for the past year. I have to let her go and face the break up i always avoided. I have started the relationship with her thinking that one of us will end it at some point. I thought i have to keep being her BF and treat her well as punishment for maintaining the relationship for over one year. So many times i thought one day i will break up with her so shut up now and make her happy.

I remember a month ago, when we celebrated a year together i rented a room at a 5 star hotel and paid almost all my scholarship for one night. I thought i will do this for her now because i am going to dump her in the near future anyways. Wow. That future is here. I have to do it now, even if it would be easier to apologise and delay it for next year. Is not right.

Edited April 17, 2021 by Everyday

[Everyday]

Woke up feeling peace. Feeling that i have done the right choice in the end. I miss her. It hurts to not be with her now, but it's better for both of us to leave her alone for good. I feel relieved and calm- i have done smth i meant for over a year. I let her go. Wish her the best. She is a good human being and deserve someone at her own level, not me. Someone who wants to stay with her for a longer period of time.

Edited April 17, 2021 by Everyday