165 Days Before College

[RendHeaven]

On 2/14/2021 at 10:27 AM, Everyday said:

She is grounded now and cried for hours.

@Everyday I meant exactly what I said. There are millions of better girls out there in the world. She is not special.

1 hour ago, Everyday said:

I was just to desperate that a girl likes me finally.... and that no other girl will like me anytime soon so i should be grateful with her

This goes against all of your higher values.

Someday, you want a sexy, smart, caring, loving, and strong but vulnerable girl to spill her soul to you and fuck you and cuddle you and to look up to you with glowing eyes, right?

Well, it will never happen if you continue this mindset of settling for the any scrap of affection.

I promise, you CAN develop yourself to the point where this girl I described shows up in your life and bonds with you.

But you have to take control of your life and make the hard choices.

Dump your current gf. Study attraction (pm me if you need help). Practice socialization (https://www.actualized.org/forum/topic/61312-opening-up/). Exercise. Build personal clout. Move countries. Embrace loneliness. Become strong. Become somebody that stands for something. Become someone who's soul is so steeled that you can withstand any adversity. And develop a genuine want to appreciate and protect women. Not to be liked in return, but because you're so appreciative and strong inside that it just overflows into the external world.

You can do it, If you decide to.

Or not

Edited February 15, 2021 by RendHeaven

[Everyday]

17 minutes ago, RendHeaven said:

This goes against all of your higher values.

 

@RendHeaven I know and you are right but to be honest i feel i can't do it right now. 

Thanks

[RendHeaven]

5 minutes ago, Everyday said:

@RendHeaven I know and you are right but to be honest i feel i can't do it right now. 

Thanks

I understand exactly this feeling. It is my first reaction as well.

All I will say is, the longer you wait, the more you will suffer.

[Everyday]

2 hours ago, RendHeaven said:

I understand exactly this feeling. It is my first reaction as well.

All I will say is, the longer you wait, the more you will suffer.

Man you have more hope and faith then i have in myself.

I know i will suffer more but it feels i cant get into this now. 

Sorry for wasting your time with me now and a few months ago when you encouraged me to move on. 

Sorry man

[Everyday]

On 12/02/2021 at 6:53 PM, Everyday said:

I asked a professor from university for help with a recommendation letter for Erasmus to apply this year as well. 

Surprisingly, he agreed. The other professor, from whom a recommendation letter would have been better said she cant do it because she is responsible for Erasmus for another faculty. 

No one else from my year got enrolled so far. Just some guy asked on the big wapp group if anyone wants to join Erasmus so he wont be alone.

 

I am still not sure if i will go this year or not. I would like to not disappoint the ppl from the ad agency. Maybe i will tell her im going to leave in summer. Didnt make a choice yet. 

 

At the end of next week they'll make a choice. I think i will get hired but i still have doubts. Prior to this internship i was thinking i wont even get that far. Wow.

[Everyday]

Besides me, three girls from 1st year horticulture signed up for Erasmus. Interesting. Last year i was the only one. 

 

Going to drive tomorrow as well longer to the mountains on the highway

 

 I feel restless. Don't have the patience to watch a movie nor to study or do smth productive. I also feel guilty for not doing mach. 

 

I like the work from the internship but i lack the motivation to study more on my own. That's a problem. 

 

I have been waiting for a new SCOBY to form for almost a month. I have one now but is very thin. I knew smth is going well but i was too resistant to just read an article for a few minutes. I didn't add any ''food'' for the SCOBY to form and i moved the glass and now another new thin one is forming on top of the last one. See: https://brodandtaylor.com/blogs/recipes/kombucha-scoby#:~:text=1.,danger of damaging the culture.

I made a cup of green tea with brown sugar to speed the process but by doing this i moved the newly formed SCOBY and now another one is forming :(. I should have used black tea. I should have chosen a warmer place and some cloth on the jar. I could have solved this shit if i just google it!

 

 

I feel bad not helping at all at the 1st internship but also happy dont have to. I didn't like at all what i was doing there, especially the sales part. One of the co-founders girlfriend took my position and i am happy for her. Hope she likes it more than i did. I feel guilty but happy for myself. I realised i dont like this start-up thing, not having someone top notch to learn from. It feels like we are getting together to make an idea work but none of us are actually having any idea what we are doing. I dont like this. 

 

I really enjoy this digital marketing internship at the moment. I find the whole thing so interesting. I like the idea of working there. I want that. I like that i will go to work to do smth that i like and even get paid. I like that i will work in google ads and facebook ads. I am learning so much :). I feel stupid for doing those internships before to learn about social media management. I didn't learn much. I wanted someone with experience to guide me. Not someone who's is also not sure what he's doing. 

 

I hate this fucking family business job so much. I know i am helping them but is so stupid and feels like utter crap compared with this internship. I thought of keeping working here if i don't get hired or to work here during weekends but i think i will quit altogether. I have this option. I always had it. Or i will save more money and then quit. 

 

I started saving money for the first weeks if i leave in summer to Belgium. 

 

I worry how i will manage university classes and labs if i get hired at the ad agency. 

Edited February 17, 2021 by Everyday

[Everyday]

On 14/02/2021 at 5:27 PM, Everyday said:

Friday night her parents got very angry on her for not taking better grades this semester. She is grounded now and cried for hours. Her parents wont let her see me or let her out of the house for a 3 weeks. Is not a good moment to break up with her for sure. Felt bad for wanting to break up in this situation. She has no fault and i feel bad for doing this to her. I guess her parents also criticised her for being with me, an unmotivated guy who is not a good influence.

 

Every month that is passing by is gets harder to break up. Is smth i have to do for both of us. I thought of telling her after a lot of thinking i thought i will go to NL forever after college but she will feel hurt she has been lied to all along. I am in a shitty situation and i dont know how to get out. I put myself in this shit spot.

A family friend of her parents died yesterday. Man, more shit keeps coming =)))))))))

 

 

On 17/02/2021 at 7:03 PM, Everyday said:

Going to drive tomorrow as well longer to the mountains on the highway

 

I didn't go after all because my grandma is more and more senile and has some health issues. My parents were afraid she might stress too match have a heart attack =)))))))) if i drive and make mistakes. They also don't want any more crap from her and didn't want her to get upset or smth. I found it very funny =)))

I will drive this weekend instead.

 

Finally, instead of postponing tasks and pushing them for later i revised my motivational notes, plans, to do lists and so on. Did some stuff from the list and i feel so much better now. 

 

 

Edited February 18, 2021 by Everyday

[Everyday]

I am excited to go swimming tomorrow morning. 

 

I went to take a walk after work. Walked for one hour and a half. I needed that. Had too much energy and i couldn't focus on doing productive stuff. I should have done this days ago. It was funny that i run into my siblings on the way home, They were going to the subway. My sis to her BF and my brother to his GF.

 

I thought i need to do smth harder than just to take a walk to relax my mind. My restlessness is almost gone entirely. 

 

On 17/02/2021 at 7:03 PM, Everyday said:

Besides me, three girls from 1st year horticulture signed up for Erasmus. Interesting. Last year i was the only one. 

Also, a guy from 1st year enrolled today. 

 

I thought more about Erasmus for this summer. I think i will go to BE to do that internship after all. I will be a dick for working at this ad agency just for a few months but i have limited Erasmus opportunities to take advantage of. There are countless of ad agencies out there. 

Edited February 18, 2021 by Everyday

[Everyday]

On 18/02/2021 at 8:50 PM, Everyday said:

I am excited to go swimming tomorrow morning. 

 

oh man

i missed swimming soo much

It was so awesome, relaxing and exciting

 

 My father told me he would like me to not search for another job if these guys are not hiring me next week. =))))))))))))) He said i should make a sacrifice and work his shifts at the family business in the upcoming months while he will be busy with some stuff =)))))))))) Told him straight away i will search for another job asap and that he knows for months i wanted a job in this field. He said if i don't help him i wont get money to live to BE =))))))) Told him i am already saving up money

[Everyday]

On 18/02/2021 at 11:14 AM, Everyday said:

I will drive this weekend instead.

 

Drove 200km on Saturday and 168km today. I drove with maximum 100km yesterday and today with 100-110km and even 120km(even if i should not yet). 

I didn't have any accident even if i felt like i will, especially on Saturday. I was worried and shaking while driving in some situation i thought i can do it right and i will fail. Man it was horrible when it happened. That was the longest i ever drove. Mt brother said that i must have around 600-700km done so far only in the city exception this weekend and when I drove 150+ km last week on Saturday.

 

Went to work for my parents both days for 4 hours each.

Yesterday, i went walking with my friend from uni for a few hours after work at night. We walked 22,314 steps. 

 

I am very tired and my back hurts like shit. 

 

I start uni tomorrow. Apparently i will have to go physically for labs and then come home and attend lectures online =)))))) shit. Labs are from Monday to Thursday in the morning. I wont go this week but i am not sure how to pull this shit to pass. 

Edited February 21, 2021 by Everyday

[Everyday]

3 hours ago, Everyday said:

Apparently i will have to go physically for labs and then come home and attend lectures online =)))))) shit. Labs are from Monday to Thursday in the morning. I wont go this week but i am not sure how to pull this shit to pass. 

=)))))))))) SO we all got it wrong .... we have labs and lectures but all online. Then in 2 months we actually go to uni and do the same stuff but 100% physical. That if they wont close everything after some professors and students get infected.

[Everyday]

On 21/02/2021 at 10:30 PM, Everyday said:

=)))))))))) SO we all got it wrong .... we have labs and lectures but all online. Then in 2 months we actually go to uni and do the same stuff but 100% physical. That if they wont close everything after some professors and students get infected.

The labs and lectures were ridiculous. One of the professors spoke so much shit it was like watching some tv show. It was unreal. My colleagues too. Man i was laughing alone in the subway and on the street =)))))))) I had to leave the meeting because the internship was starting. Lol. 

 

Not sure what is going to happen tomorrow on the last day of this internship. 

[Everyday]

 

One of the agency owners is going to speak with each of us after our trainer is done with us. Not sure how the discussion will go like. He is going to show us how to make other google campaigns and finally some FB ads lectures. This will last 2 more days next week.

 

So many problems for my family today. It was unreal. With business and other stuff. We have problems with the family business. Really heated discussions... Lots of tension. 

 

Some shitty client today. I was there for over 6 hours after the internship work. I reminded is a shitty job and to let go. I didn't start arguing with that guy but i regret now. It doesn't matter i don't like it there. Just stupid problems. 

 

I laughed so much with my friend from university listening to online classes and our fucked up colleagues. Is like everyday is a show. =)))))))))))))) I was not believing what im hearing =)))

Edited February 23, 2021 by Everyday

[Everyday]

On 24/02/2021 at 0:49 AM, Everyday said:

One of the agency owners is going to speak with each of us after our trainer is done with us. Not sure how the discussion will go like. He is going to show us how to make other google campaigns and finally some FB ads lectures. This will last 2 more days next week.

As i felt, they are going to hire all three. On Monday we are going to speak about money and a contract. I was anxious when i spoke with him.

He said they want people for long-term 2-4 years. I told him i want to do an Erasmus internship in Belgium/ The Netherlands this summer. I didn't say i already found a company last year. He thanked me and said he will put my contract on pause for a few months and then i can come back to continue to work. I felt i have to tell him the truth because they treated me well.

He said he cant send me to work abroad at other agencies he knows. Interesting. It would be really cool.

Edited February 26, 2021 by Everyday

[Everyday]

On Wednesday, I called her after i left the agency and she said she's in the city to make me a surprise. I didn't expect this. She will stay here for 2 weeks. She is still grounded but she is staying at her father's in my city. We saw each other on Wed and Thursday. And some more time this weekend but not tonight because she has to study.

 

Went swimming again today. I have problems with the right ear now

 

Attended some more crap online classes at university. 

 

I met with one of the guys from the 1st internship/start-up and gave him the keys back. Spoke some time. Is all right. He said is ok, everyone goes on his own way in life. I feel good about my choice. I didnt feel i am growing much with them. Is the time to take care of my career ad future. 

The other owner's GF took my sales duties and she's doing a great job. They are thinking to give her some portion of the start up shares. I am happy they found someone to like that job and who likes to do it. Is not for me. 

Edited February 26, 2021 by Everyday

[Everyday]

I updated the last two posts. 

 

I will start preparing my papers for Erasmus. 

 

No classes today. 

 

Nothing much to do today. Just cleaning my room, doing the laundry and so on.

 

My father is going to drive tomorrow but i cant go because i have to stay at work since my brother is away with his gf during the weekend.

Edited February 26, 2021 by Everyday

[Everyday]

Went to the hairdresser today. Really nice lady. I asked her why i keep cutting myself while shaving with the straight razor even if i am careful, i use shaving cream and good razor blades. She said maybe is the trimmer to blame. I thought more about it and my trimmer doesn't cut very close to the skin resulting in hairs too thick to cut with the razor. 

She's using this one https://www.amazon.de/-/en/Electric-Outliner-Cordless-Professional-Detailer/dp/B08FLM4GL1/ref=sr_1_41?dchild=1&keywords=trimmer+GRITSY&qid=1614355401&sr=8-41. She recommended it to me and i ordered it online today. 

 

Bought a gift for my brother because he turns 24 next week. He is away with his GF this weekend so i work his shifts. It sucks.

Edited February 27, 2021 by Everyday

[Everyday]

I am at work now. I hate this place, this work and this stupid clients.

 

My GF is coming tonight at my house till next day. She is still arguing with her mom for not getting perfect grades. Her mom is also upset for staying with her father for a few weeks right now in my city. Things aren't all great with her father either. 

 

I am excited to start work on Monday but not for university. 

 

Wrote and scheduled two emails for Erasmus. One of them to take same paper and the other for the recommendation letter. I changed a few words from the one i used last year and left blank were the professor to compete it like i did last year. 

Edited February 27, 2021 by Everyday

[Everyday]

i am going soon at work until noon. 

 

I started last night before she came over to read ppt from labs and courses. I didn't pay much attention to them last week because i was at work or had smth else to do. Going to continue this at work.

Edited February 28, 2021 by Everyday

[Everyday]

On 27/02/2021 at 10:53 AM, Everyday said:

Wrote and scheduled two emails for Erasmus. One of them to take same paper and the other for the recommendation letter. I changed a few words from the one i used last year and left blank were the professor to compete it like i did last year. 

Got the papers i need. wow. so fast. Now, i am waiting for the recommendation letter and i am done

 

Went with my friend from uni to walk yesterday for 3 hours. We drank two beers each. I didn't want to get shit faced. 

 

She came over again at slept at my place. We left together in the morning. She went home and i went to work. 

 

 

At the agency i asked them if we are staying regular work hours today and if not when do we start ? They said full schedule from today. I was so happy =))))))))) I texted my father i have to work until 18 so cant make it to work. I was so happy i wont go there during the week from now on eheheheh. 

One of the girls is waiting to leave her current job so she wont join right now. The other one had some stuff to do so she left. Our trainer said we will continue tomorrow so i was done around 15. Stayed some more there and looked over clients' accounts. I went to eat junk food afterwards. Went walking too and still arrived home before the time i was supposed to go to my parent's business but i didn't go. Slept instead and i was so happy i didnt have to stay there anymore. 

 

My sister was like why dont you go there if you are home on time?  I said why dont you go to do my shift? I was so happy i dont have to put up with stupid clients. My father returned very angry because some clients did some shit again. Nothing new. 

Told him i will come to work this weekend. He didn't say anything. Good. 

 

 

 

 

I feel some envy from my siblings, especially my sister. I might be wrong. She said so you got hired, ha? Do you like what you do there? She said working in google and facebook ads sounds boring to me. My brother is like sorry for you have to work longer now? Is hard right? Your bosses are horrible right? 

 

 

 

I ate dinner with my brother, his girlfriend and my sister. They asked me again why i don't see with my GF more often, especially now that she's here and asked why she works so hard so early. Not sure if i will see her this week. Her father told her she isn't here to see me but to study more =))))))

 

 

 

They told me how much money i receive per month. Sounds too much, i think i got the wrong sum. But if is true is awesome. Didn't ask if the salary he mentioned is after tax and stuff or before. 

Edited March 1, 2021 by Everyday