165 Days Before College

[Everyday]

Hey

Happy new year guys!

 

 

I celebrated NYE with my gf and her family in her hometown. Got drunk as fuck with her stepdad =)))))))))))))))))))))) I felt like puking and took a break. Didn't made it back to the living room- if i kept drinking i would have got blackout drunk. I was close.

 

I read the book about sex again a few days prior. Helped me a lot but i need more practice.

 

I didnt do many pc exercises last few days at her place. I didn't do any LP work, digital marketing courses,  exercises for my back, etc.

 

Going at work tonight. Not looking forward to start working for my parents and on myself. 

 

I still cant believe is 2021. Feels unreal.

 

I am waiting for the guy from the ad agency to call me.

 

 

Cheers

[Everyday]

Woke up one hour later and did back exercises.

Went to drive with father.

Went walking with my friend from university for 3 hours.

Now, i am at work.

 

Yesterday, my family was like why you didnt tell us you got back with your ex for over a month? What else you didnt tell us? What happened when you saw her? So are you guys good now? etc. 

 

Me and her got in a fight just the day i left. Some stupid shit anyways. Now we are good. So i think so idk.

 

 

Edited January 3, 2021 by Everyday

[Everyday]

Have to send some shit for university  Not looking forward to start exams.

Reading atm about dirty talk

I even forgot to cook some shit for myself. Nye food leftovers are done. 

Going to work daily again

No lp again

A little uni project work 

 

 

 

Edited January 3, 2021 by Everyday

[Everyday]

Finally, yesterday i sent a project i have been working before Christmas. 

 

I have been extremely horny last few days. Very hard to focus and be productive. Ate unhealthy. I feel very tried and i am cold. 

 

No call from the ad agency.

 

Don't feel like i started this year right. Something feels off.

 

 

Edited January 5, 2021 by Everyday

[Everyday]

I went overboard with eating junk food last few days. I even watched some reviews of movies online. Ate sooo much. 

 

Missed a day of Back Exercises  since i returned.

 

I keep doing PC exercises daily. Even if i had a few days i was doing only 2 sessions instead of 3. 

 

Did another point from LP course. 

 

 

Finished the book on dirty talk. So many insights. I started reading 7 principles to make a marriage work. 

 

 

Got the blades for the straight razor : )  I managed to get 3 little cuts but is alright =))) I use it only to define my beard for now. I am waiting for my hair to grow again =)))))) https://www.amazon.com/Euromax-100-Single-Edge-Blades/dp/B07GNNNVHL

 

Realised i have done a project wrong. Ooof. I have to start all over again. 

 

 

Picked up the udemy google analysis course from where i left.

 

 

Cooked some food last night. Going to make some veggis too. 

 

 

The kombucha batch i made was ready on Tuesday. I gave half of it to friends at the 1st internship- they loved it. I used brown sugar, black and green tea. I think the longest i went without brewing kombucha last few months was 2- 3 weeks? Think is i like it so much i dont get to F2 most of the times =)))))

 

Made some more ads for the 1st internship.  It was exciting. 

 

Finally, i bought a SSD, my laptop was full: https://www.amazon.com/Passport-Cobalt-Portable-External-Storage/dp/B07HYZY9FX/ref=cm_cr_srp_d_product_top?ie=UTF8

 

Not going to see her for a weekend in 2 weeks as we spoke because her exams. No worries. More time for myself. 

 

I got a little lazy since i start LP work. I want to focus on other stuff as well.

Edited January 7, 2021 by Everyday

[Everyday]

Finally, i started google ads for my family business. I just had to make a site on wordpress. Didn't  have to pay anything. I felt stupid for postponing doing it for so long. 

 

I plan to start studying today for the upcoming exams.

 

Feel quite disappointed of myself again. I can do better. I know i can... 

 

Watched an optimize 101 class on Love. Wow. so many things i didn't even think about that go into a good relationship. Even small things like appreciating your partner for example for giving their time to speak with you after a busy day.  Couples remember the bad stuff, fights and arguments more than the good times. So be careful.

 

Oh, and another thing was that when you are in a relationship some problems you have are just in your face out of a sudden. You have to deal with them. For me, this would be getting angry for no good reason and acting like a child. 

 

I had an argument with her before living to spend my NYE with her. She stated clearly that either i accept her point or the relationship is over. I said what bothered me in a way it came across the wrong way. I had to accept her point in order to keep being together. But i do feel resentful is either her way or the high way so to speak. Plus, i see that the relationship is on her terms and it always been this way. I don't like that my wishes do not matter that much in this relationship. I am not happy. 

 

And her breaking up with me was all a scheme to make me motivated to work on getting closer to a real job, in ads in my case. And i have to admit it worked. I feel stupid i am being manipulated like this. 

Edited January 8, 2021 by Everyday

[Everyday]

Wasted a bunch of time last few days... watching netflix

[Everyday]

22 hours ago, Everyday said:

Wasted a bunch of time last few days... watching Netflix

I finished those tv series. Now, i feel bad and want to watch some more even if i know there are no benefits. Two days ago i went to bed at 6am and yesterday at 4am. I am no better regardless how many hours i wasted watching that shit. 

 

Managed to stop cumming while fapping twice but not more than that. Failed day after day and got disappointed. Also, my sex drive is low now.

Edited January 10, 2021 by Everyday

[Everyday]

Hey

 

Yesterday morning the guy from the advertising company who i was supposed to have an interview last month said he's going to call me sometime this week. 

Also, the company i used to visualize working for e-mailed me yesterday. They asked if i am still interested. I said yes and they gave me a test. I sent it to them this morning. They liked it and i will have an interview this Friday. lol. Totally unexpected. I emailed them on 3rd of December.

In December they posted a job opening for a junior digital marketer. They had like over a 100 participants. And now they dug through emails to contact me? Interesting. 

Edited January 12, 2021 by Everyday

[Everyday]

This time at the online interview i will say i do not have a job at the moment, i will say i don't have any horticulture aspirations, I will say i don't want to keep going with both digital marketing and horticulture and so on. Last interview i said too much about myself and i came across as undecided and unreliable for a job since i listed so many interests. 

 

I will only say i am a student ATM. Nothing more. Wont tell about the internship this summer. I hope we will study online for a few more months. 

 

What else?

My GF annoyed me a lot last 2 days. I am dissatisfied with the relationship. I should have sized the opportunity and broke up before NYE. Hope i will have a similar opportunity. I wish a normal girl as my GF. She was way too many problems and why the fuck she is with me if she complains frequently? I still don't get it.

I am still upset on myself for not standing up for myself last time we argued and just accepted her demands. She was like either this or we break up. And now i am frustrated because i am still upset about the fucking thing. I didn't want to break up when we argued because that previous day i had just told my family we got back together and i will spend NYE at her. Also, her parents would have got upset for canceling last minute. 

I will waste 6 h to see her and then come back to my city one day, in the upcoming weeks. She complained  when we argued before nye that i didn't go to see her since we got back together.

During today's call i told her how my day really was: some uni, some homework and just wasted the rest of the day. She didn't like hearing that since she has a type a personality but that's the truth. Very often i tell her i am more productive than i truly am so she wont get upset for wasting time. But i don't really care right now.

Edited January 12, 2021 by Everyday

[Everyday]

I am currently at work for over 6 hours. Is boring. Watched some movies and finished some stuff for uni. Had some problems with a client but i didnt start arguing. I might be out of this dump in a few weeks. Cant wait to flee this shit hole. Why would i argue with clients if i dont even care of the business. 

 

I was super bored of online uni classes. I barely paid attention.

 

Did some work yesterday for the 1st internship. Didnt want to or like it.

 

I put some kg on since i have been eating more junk food and sweets. 

 

Prepared some material to work on a project related to the erasmus  summer internship. I havent done smth in months about it.

 

Still dont want to prepare for my exams.

 

I havent fapped in 2-3 days. didnt want to or felt strong urges. 

Edited January 13, 2021 by Everyday

[Everyday]

I went to bed late, after class i went to sleep again. I had this dream, it was so clear and it felt so real. I don't remember the last time i experience this. I could swear is real. I was in Belgium living in a house with other international students and i liked this blonde girl. Touching her felt so real and true. My girlfriend was there too and she got upset on me. I felt guilty but i wanted to be with that girl so bad. It was so real. 

 

I have some anxiety for tomorrow's interview. I hope for the best. I want to get hired but i think i am not good enough. I imagine i wont be able to manage that job. But i want it bad. I need it to change. It would mean so much for me. 

 

Presented some project today and got a 10. Everyone got a 10 regardless of the quality. I wasted the rest of the day.

 

Helped a girl from uni with some homework.

 

Cooked some steak

 

Drank some more kombucha.

 

Didnt fap

 

Went to work and watched some more movies.

 

 

[Everyday]

20 hours ago, Everyday said:

I have some anxiety for tomorrow's interview. I hope for the best. I want to get hired but i think i am not good enough. I imagine i wont be able to manage that job. But i want it bad. I need it to change. It would mean so much for me. 

It was better than the last one. I told them that i am not interested in horticulture anymore, that i only see myself in digital marketing etc. Last time i spoke to much and revelled i am undecided.They will contact me in about to weeks- the latest. The guy from the other company didn't call me yet. I don't think he will and that's ok. 

Edited January 15, 2021 by Everyday

[Everyday]

Wasting time on tv series and movies. Studying, reading or doing anything productive feels too much even if it would be better.

Started to fap again. i couldn't control myself to stop before ejaculation.

Kept going with pc exercises. 

Waiting atm to leave home from work.

Have some shit for uni to finish and i dont want to do it. Really dont. 

Drove today for 35 minutes

Spoke with my friend from another continent. It was fun. We didnt speak for quite some time. 

[Everyday]

Went to buy groceries with parents. Drove for over an hour accumulated.

 

Did back exercises last night.

 

Got new razors for the safety razor. I shaved for 3 times with the straight razor and the safety razor.  I use the safety razor for my neck and the straight razor around my moustache and beard.

 

My sister made some comments about my gf. How i would have wished she was more like her boyfriend, etc. And some other shit. 

 

I 

 

[Everyday]

Visited my grandma today

[Everyday]

Cleaned my room first time in weeks while attending an online course at uni =)))))))))))

 

The guy who had covid from the ad agency called me this morning. Tomorrow's morning at 10:30i have an interview at their company. I have some test tomorrow but i will be at the interview. 

 

I have been watching tv series for 2 weeks i think. . I haven't done much to work on my problems and this bothers me so much and makes me feel like i am suffocating now. I feel this pressure, frustration and loss of hope. I would rather go back to watch shit rather than be productive. 

 

I had some weird dreams last night.

 

I am upset on myself for accepting her terms during out last fight before NYE. It upsets me so much and i feel bad because of it. I cant take it much longer. I was thinking how to communicate to her i am not ok with this.

 

Again, i don't see the point of being in this relationship. I feel manipulated. She said the reason she broke up with me for a month was exactly to make me become more driven and do more effort to get a real job. She fucking said that. All my progress is fucking manipulation. I am sick of this. 

 

Two days ago i told her i stay late each night just for her to finish her stuff and have time to speak with me. She got upset i think. But that's the truth. 

 

 

Edited January 18, 2021 by Everyday

[Everyday]

23 hours ago, Everyday said:

The guy who had covid from the ad agency called me this morning. Tomorrow's morning at 10:30i have an interview at their company. I have some test tomorrow but i will be at the interview. 

The interview was ok. This was my 1st real f2f interview. I ran out of things to say and i a not sure i know if i am good enough for this job. They seem good at what are they doing. I like that. He said i might start this February or next week idk. Depending if he finds another person to train in the same time with me. Hope they will. Didn't say a word about the summer internship. Didn't say a word about the other interview.

 

While waiting for the subway i had a test for uni. Got a 4. Fuck it. I didn't learn a single shit for it. I even forgot the homework i was supposed to finish and send for that class.

 

Getting more and more annoyed with my GF. I need space now. Lots of it. This job thing is stressing the shit out of me. 

Edited January 19, 2021 by Everyday

[Everyday]

 

I canceled my Netflix subscription today.

 

Didn't watch a movie or tv series for a day or more. I feel i cant run from my problems anymore. I can tolerate feeling like suffocating/ drowning of guilt, helplessness and frustration. I can take it anymore feeling like this. Is horrible. I am becoming more and more bitter and just bitching about life instead of taking action. I am complacent. 

 

All that fapping and tv series overstimulated my brain to the point i couldn't do anything productive or worthwhile. It was like climbing Everest. 

 

Today, the interview was a revelation of how much i am behind in life and what i can do better. It felt bad, really bad. I need a break and need to take care of my shit. 

Edited January 19, 2021 by Everyday

[Everyday]

Another day at work. I felt angry again for staying in that job i don't even like. Is really stupid. This pandemic is going on for over a year and i could have got a job sooner. I wasted my summer. What was i doing this summer anyways.

 

I didn't do a thing this week for the 1st internship. That work seems really stupid. I feel dumb for helping them last few months. Or that i waited for them to teach me about social media management last year. I wasted so much time and learned too little.

 

Cheated on some more tests for uni. My friend helped me. I helped him too. 

 

I am thinking i could have switched my major sooner.... right after i found out that i am interested in digital marketing, over a year ago. I was lazy... I am not sure if i will continue with horticulture. Digital marketing seems more my thing. I would rather spend my time learning about Google ads, Facebook ads, SEO and Social Media Management than about subjects related to this summer's internship. 

 

Finished some homework yesterday at midnight.

 

Seems uni will be online next semester too. I feel stupid for studying my major. I don't see myself going all the way with it. I don't see the point. I would hate it to drop out of this one and start from zero again, you know?

 

 

Edited January 20, 2021 by Everyday