165 Days Before College

[Everyday]

Drove some more today in actual traffic. I wasn't as anxious as last time

 

I got the ads account from 1st internship blocked. Not sure what i did wrong . Got more familiar with the platform. The owner is avoidant to actually let me just make ads. He wants to have a purpose or offer to promote. I get it- don't waste money on stupid tests/ ads if they aren't relevant. I optimised his running ads but don't know how to make them super effective yet. Got more data from fb pixel (add to cart, page view, viewc ategory) but still cant create events like i want to.

 

 

Going to get the scholarship money next week for the 1st time. 

 

 

Started the google ads course. Wow is huge. Intro lecture and i thought that is boring, i cant do it, i should watch smth else like a tv series and so on. I wanted to, then compared with her and remembered i am the only one responsible for building the life i want. No one is going to do it for me. And that better since i dont depend on anyone to grow.

 

 

So many negative thoughts i have while working on my goals. I want to fail/ resist studying for a test/ prepare to apply for a job because my mind wants to protect my weak self esteem from being fucked. I see i need to work while feeling like shit until my mind trusts me again. Saying i will do x than quitting over and over resulted in little self trust when i say i will achieve x,y,z....  I felt down for not knowing how to fix issues with ads and wanted to watch the last episode which appeared yesterday from the Madalorian. I remembered it will be one hour wasted, i will feel like shit and i will once again prove myself i cant abstain and solve my issues instead.

 

 

 

Had strong urges this morning. I imagined moving my energy from not fapping through my whole body and felt amazing! I fell asleep during a lecture and felt bad

 

 

 

 

Told my siblings i started google ads course and they where like oh ok. Still not thinking i will finish it and actually start applying and succeeding. Of course they don't if i said it a few months ago too and quit. I will prove myself i can, and them too.

 

Edited November 13, 2020 by Everyday

[fridjonk]

1 hour ago, Everyday said:

I optimised his running ads but don't know how to make them super effective yet.

The best way to make them more effective is to test more creatives, test as many as possible. 

Creatives are the true goldmine - if you're targeting the right crowd of course.  

[Everyday]

I will talk with him about this. Thanks for responding. He is quite resistant to change what he has atm. But i am sure he will be more open the the future ads he'll prepare from zero

[Everyday]

18 hours ago, Everyday said:

So many negative thoughts i have while working on my goals. I want to fail/ resist studying for a test/ prepare to apply for a job because my mind wants to protect my weak self esteem from being fucked. I see i need to work while feeling like shit until my mind trusts me again.

more on this:

i debunked a few neg beliefs around ''why i cant get a job'' and ''why i cant finish the google ads course''. 

Also, i asked myself how do i think i should feel about learning these skills and applying for a job. My response: i should feel 100% on board and someone should come and help me learn it. wow. Is so far from reality but is my own belief! Very interesting. No one is coming and i am the only one who can help myself

Edited November 14, 2020 by Everyday

[Everyday]

On 10/11/2020 at 11:10 PM, Everyday said:

Still haven't fapped or watched tv series. I feel good even if i was horny in the morning and wanted to watch smth when i felt down. Working instead really made me feel good! That was the reason for watching a movie or movie review on yt in the first place. Each time i think to fap i remind myself that i need extra energy to work on my goals and that's it. It works. I dont want to go through the day with much less energy... is already hard man, why make it harder?

I dreamed i couldn't resist anymore and i started fapping while thinking i have disappointed myself again, i cant keep this improvement habit. Then i woke up and i felt relieved it was all a dream. I was so sure it's real. I was with another girl in this dream.

 

 

Oh, and i realised i have been using music all along in a wrong way. I used it to prolong times of sadness and when i felt down and unmotivated. I would just sit there and listen to songs that encouraged feeling negative feelings instead of taking action once i realised what it bothers me thus, the negative feelings would disappear. 

 

 

 

 

 

I am taking more drives for my family in order to improve this skill. This morning i drove them to the church and then back home alone. It was challenging but i didn't damage the car. Felt so good seeing myself driving. 

 

 

 

 

Today i went to the lab to work with the guy from the second company/internship. I got better at lab work since last time i worked with him. The lab is in the area where my ex lived. He is surprised i am willing to ride the subway for an hour to learn from him. We started speaking about romantic relationships  for the first time. Told him i am used to this trip because my ex bla bla. He was shocked i went to her so many times taking into account it takes me one hour just one way. He said he wouldn't have done that especially if the girl wasn't worth it. That he would have told her to come over more and so on. I saw another dimension to my ex relationship. I was super soft. It was indeed stupid to come over mostly myself so many times even fi i didn't see the problem. Told him more and I felt really stupid thinking of the crap i took from her for nothing. And he told me about his relationship and it was really interesting. We got more personal by speaking about relationships even if we know each other for a year already.

By the end of the meeting i remembered and noticed some stuff i want to work on but i keep delaying them.

 

 

 

 

Yesterday i was thinking all day that i wasn't even happy with her. It was so exhausting and i wasn't happy.... Being with her was such a big mistake. I cant believe how i left myself go in the last couple of months. i was so miserable.

 

 

 

 

Last night i had back pain after work. I laid in bed but not for long in and then finished my homework, crossed some errands/ stuff that bothers me and some more of the google ads. I felt soo good. I wanted to give up but i prevailed over my own mind. Felt amazing.

Edited November 15, 2020 by Everyday

[Everyday]

 

I am not working hard enough. I can push myself much more. I am disappointed of myself. I got soft again. I have 2.5 years of college left and then i am out in the open with no job or skills. I am nowhere in life atm. Cant keep living like this. I am not near the person i want to be! I am 22 and dont have a job i like already?! Unacceptable! I have no excuse for not working harder, being more motivated and taking action....

[Everyday]

Remembered what leo said: someone else's opinion good or bad doesn't bring any real value to you. Wow. I feel down now. I am still dependent on others' opinion of me even if i see that it doesn't truly help me in any way.

 

I thought of my mom who loves me very much and is encouraging me all the time then i thought of my ex's bad opinion of me. I see now both opinion from opposed points of view bring me no real value. Never did. Life doesn't get easier nor my problems get solved by themselves. I feel like a true fool for wanting so bad her approval... and in the end it brought me no closer from where i want to be in life. Such a stupid waste of time and effort.....

 

On 14/11/2020 at 0:20 AM, Everyday said:

I got the ads account from 1st internship blocked. Not sure what i did wrong . Got more familiar with the platform. The owner is avoidant to actually let me just make ads. He wants to have a purpose or offer to promote. I get it- don't waste money on stupid tests/ ads if they aren't relevant. I optimised his running ads but don't know how to make them super effective yet. Got more data from fb pixel (add to cart, page view, view category) but still cant create events like i want to.

So we got that solved. The guy from FB support wasn't sure what went wrong either.

Edited November 17, 2020 by Everyday

[Everyday]

I just realised i am very confused on how the world, motivation, emotions, relationships, LP work. I have a few pieces of knx here and there but not the whole picture. I am most of the times unsure how to react to various situations and problems. I know i am not doing the right thing but dont know how to solve the problem either. 

 

I have been reading books and not applying the knx or quitting too early. The fb ads course is actually the first course i ever finished. And besides, i only read a few books until the end, and applied the knx from even less.... So, back on showing my mind i can finish and apply knx, until i will trust myself again.

[Everyday]

UPDATES:

Three days ago i was at a lecture online at 8am. I was trying to focus, think and answer to the professor. I noticed a cluster of negative thoughts and contradictions: 

• i dont really care about this university yet, i want good grades in the same time
• i cant learn this
• is a stupid degree and i dont even need good grades because i hope i will get a job after Erasmus internship...
• is too hard
• dont know if i can study consistently
• is not important
• what if i study and fail the exam> self esteem affected
• i have better things to do

 

I am all the time speaking shit about the quality of my studies with other people and over here. This reinforces that my degree is stupid and i am stupid if i study seriously. But in the same time i do want the routine, knx and discipline to study. So stop speaking shit about it. Study instead and focus on developing discipline.

 

 

Drove today with brother and he got super mad i am embarrassing him in traffic with my shity driving. I said no problem, i wont give up. I am going with my father tomorrow instead. Cant quit just like that. I wont. I am getting better each time. Right after i searched online the mistakes i did - felt better immediately- i took action. A few months ago i would have felt bad for hours and days not getting the hint from my brain that i need to take action. 

 

 

 

 

Doubted myself again. Not proud of my life so far. I am working for over a year for my family and i hate it. i depend on them to receive money. Didn't try hard to change it until now. I failed uni. Still learning to drive. I don't have good grades at uni. I am pushed around and used by people. Had a shity relationship out of scarcity. I am weak. Being too soft and lazy. Expecting others to help me. I am a failure currently. I don't even eat healthy. I have so many things i want to do with my life but didn't so far. I am not what i can be now. Not even close. I am not pushing myself enough. 

 

 

I have lots of work to do. It takes time to tackle each topic effectively and to see long term results. Right now top priority is to change my job. Is just shit. It will be such a boost to show myself i am getting payed to enjoy my work. 

 

 

45% of the Google ads course completed. It would be over 50% but yesterday's morning i was too tired when i was watching a few in the morning so i viewed them again. Having that fb course under my belt now makes me look motivated. I have more changes to get hired than before.

 

 

 

i dont know exactly what i want to do with my life. I want a business which would be a combination of both internships but i have no clear image or deadline. I just hope that things will magically solve themselves in a couple of years. That someone will give me a job offer in those/ that domain and later start my own business. Not sure i want that either or that i can do it. But with this ads job man... is clear and concrete. I can see what position and where i want to work. I can see it. I feel so much more motivation just imagine working at that company. Amazing. Cant say the same about what i am doing with my degree and afterwards.

 

 

 

I felt stupid that i am working at the 2nd internship in sales. Or i should say ''sales'' because is not really a full time position or anything. I got some knx but i cant use any now. Is not even real sales or smth. Is just mails, some calls and orders. Dont even know if i want to work in the domain myself. Not sure of anything! I feel stupid since i dont like it and i am not even sure why i am doing it. I just think that one day i will have a business and i need to know to do sales. What a stupid reason. Wont add as a real job in my cv either. Man, my cv is just fluff. No real job skills or job experience. Is just crap. I can use my time to get a real job! To get some real job skills or build my discipline by studying for university. 

 

 

 

Crossed some stuff from the ''things that bother me'' list but added more and more. I cant believe how could i be so indifferent to my goals and needs and opt to watch tv series and YT instead of fixing them! All the knx is online! What was i thinking?!

Edited November 19, 2020 by Everyday

[Everyday]

No fap is going good. Very strong urges last few days. Still have lots of energy.

 

 

[Everyday]

On 19/11/2020 at 0:04 AM, Everyday said:

45% of the Google ads course completed.

65% now!

[Everyday]

On 03/11/2020 at 7:33 PM, Everyday said:

She remembered about my driving exam and told me good luck. We spoke a little afterwards and she asked me if i want to come over her place to ''see'' her in a few weeks when she will be in my city over the weekend. I said yeah, sure. Lol =)))))))))))))) I asked her about having sex in the future when we broke up but didnt think she was serious about it. =)))))))))) Hahahahha never hurts to ask, right? 

About that....

 

It was supposed to be this weekend. Logistical problems since she was staying at her father and i stay with my family. I felt like crap after messaging her and i just decided to say pass to sex for the greater good of my own well being long term. Since she said that, i kept thinking that we will get back together even if that's not what i want at all. I just needed to let go and move on. I couldn't do this when the possibility of sex was there. Also, i thought of the insecurity and anxiety i would feel if she might call me next year for sex or not. I would think that at any day she might message me if she didn't find a new guy. This would have been way too much stress.

 

For weeks i thought i am helpless, that i have no other option than to do it with her. That i would be dumb to refuse and that there is very hard to find a new girl and that it will take a long time until a girl would like me again. I thought is my only way to learn to be better at relationships and sex... but i read half of the book sex god and realised how many mistakes i have made and i was like lol... i don't need her to motivate me and not even to get better at sex. lol. I didn't learn in a few months of sex what i learned from 2h reading that book. Same for relationship knowledge. All in need to do is read. 

 

So she said she'll call me when she finishes work in the city and we'll figure smth out. I felt like the stupidest man alive for wanting to see her. It was clear i need to let it go. Two hours ago I messaged her that is best we don't see each other today at all nor in the future even if i will get over her eventually. I said: I am still caring of you and i imagine we will get back together if we see each other now. That isn't good for either of us. I hope you understand

 

 

She deleted two messages and i didn't have the chance to read them. Then she said you aren't the only one who feels like this, that's why i wanted to see you and maybe you are right and its best we let it go. Then, she said is best i didn't see her messages and we will get over each other faster because i didn't read them.

• WTF? she wanted to get back with me? I was miserable. She complained of all the things she didn't like about me and so on. She complained about my inexistent career and lack of motivation in life, working for my parents and not doing anything to change it, being too needy and immature, not keeping promises, getting angry before listening to her explanations, not trying harder to get a job in ads as i wanted and not being driven in general. 
• Why would she want to be with me again? Why? I thought it was clear she is over with me. I thought she forgot about me shortly after. I am confused. What she sees in me because from what she said, i thought she is done with me forever. What reason would she have to want me again?
• WTF! I would not have been with me a month ago. I was needy, lazy, complacent, indifferent and miserable. I was stupid.
• I was dependent on her to take care of me. I was expecting from her to fix my problems. To teach me what to do in bed and behave in a relationship. 
• I knew i am unhappy but didn't make any effort to change smth. i was indifferent to my lifestyle. i lost hope.
• Seeing her achieve goals and work hard made me doubt myself and feel helpless. I thought i cant do the same for my own life.
• Why would she want that is beyond my understanding especially that it would be a long distance until she returns??????? Why would she want to be with me again if she had so many complaints??? I am really confused. 

 

I thought that sex isn't worth it just for the stress, anxiety, annoyance and so much more shit i endured in the last few months. Just no. Self respect would drop like crazy, especially that i was unhappy for so long. I care more of achieving my own goals now, then to have a little sex. The effort isn't worth it. Getting back and proving her i can change just for approval is stupid. Being with her out of fear of not finding another is stupid. Being with her to not be single is stupid. Being with her because this would make her happy but not yourself is stupid. Staying with a person to feel that you are a valuable and enough person is toxic. Is misery. I should have had a break up sooner. Her approval, wont truly make me become the person i want to be. I am free finally, i can let it go.

 

I see that after our 1st big fight i tried sooo hard to make her forgive me because i thought i am not good enough to be with other girl, that no other girl will like me very soon. And i thought i will be with her until some new girl will save me from this relationship. I was waiting for someone to end the relationship for me. Oof. I see that my biggest problems weren't solved during the relationship. I just tricked myself to ignore them. Here they are again, as i left them. 

 

I was waiting for years for a girl to take care of me and my problems...... No body can do it but me!

 

Funny- i want to know what she wrote to me. And if this happened f2f i would have had a harder time telling her this. Just out of desperation and my own problems. But even if i said lets get back together i would still break up with her after some time. I wasn't happy and that's it. Better to end it now than to get in a more messy situation later on.

Edited November 21, 2020 by Everyday

[Everyday]

I felt that i am stupid for not wanting to be with her again even if it would not make me happy. I thought that i am not good enough to meet other girls. This is not an excuse to stay in a relationship (i was not aware of this after the first big argument we had and i bent backwards to make her forgive me). I made a list of all the things i need to improve. Started yesterday night.

[RendHeaven]

I constantly think of sex with my ex in moments of weakness too.

At the end of the day though, that is always my lower self rearing its ugly head.

My higher self still loves sex but does not prioritize it or yearn for it desperately with a girl from the past.

My higher self is in love with life purpose first and foremost 

[Everyday]

1 hour ago, RendHeaven said:

My higher self is in love with life purpose first and foremost 

love that!

[Everyday]

On 21/11/2020 at 2:56 PM, Everyday said:

So she said she'll call me when she finishes work in the city and we'll figure smth out. I felt like the stupidest man alive for wanting to see her. It was clear i need to let it go. Two hours ago I messaged her that is best we don't see each other today at all nor in the future even if i will get over her eventually. I said: I am still caring of you and i imagine we will get back together if we see each other now. That isn't good for either of us. I hope you understand

 

Yesterday i got a message from her stating that she came to the city just to see me, that she hopes no body influenced me to say no and that i gave her false hope by agreeing to meet. I was confused. I called her turns out she thought i was over her and vice versa, that she didn't actually break up with me but it was more like a break, she appolgized (wow) and is sorry for loosing me, that she thought she is hurting me because her busy job and not being always available, that the sex opportunity was just to have a door back to me for reconciliation, that every week she wanted to say she's sorry, that she broke up with me because she felt she's doing me more harm than good,  that we both had communication problems and she appolgized for waiting until she couldn't take it anymore to tell me what bothered her, etc.

 

I told her that i am better since we broke up and i don't wish to get back together. I stated that we are over for good, there is no window for us to get back and i wish both of us to move on and never speak with each other. I am glad we finished on a better note than last time. I was tempted to get back but i just cant and don't truly want to if i would listen to my higher self, as Rendheaven says . It would end in another breakup later on. I still do not wish a long term relationship with her. Letting her go is the best for both of us. I want to focus on myself and the root problems and unsolved issues that made me be with her in the first place.

 

I did not have the knx and strength to let her go a month ago. But i finally did it and it feels better to know there is no way back. I should have let her go sooner but i did not understand my own reasons behind our relationship so i was unable to change.

Edited November 23, 2020 by Everyday

[Everyday]

On 21/11/2020 at 0:08 PM, Everyday said:

65% now!

Just finished it last night! I m waiting for google to send me the code from my parent's business location. I have two weeks to wait. I didn't know i have to wait.... I wanted to do ads asap before applying

I am meeting with one of the owners from first start-up/internship today to help with with some ads.

Crafting some messages now to send to a few agencies. Also, polishing my CV. I am anxious now. I really want this job. I am so much more interesting in ads now. I hope for the best. 

 

 

Received the scholarship for the last two months finally

[Everyday]

On 26/11/2020 at 9:34 AM, Everyday said:

I am meeting with one of the owners from first start-up/internship today to help with with some ads.

I loved it! It was soo awesome! It was so interesting i could be doing it for hours!

 

On 26/11/2020 at 9:34 AM, Everyday said:

Crafting some messages now to send to a few agencies. Also, polishing my CV. I am anxious now. I really want this job. I am so much more interesting in ads now. I hope for the best. 

 

The company i was visualising being accepted at didn't replay to my message yet. Another one, said they aren't looking atm to hire

I will reframe my inquiry as an internship/practice proposal. Thus, i might get hired eventually.

My CV in this domain sucks atm. I started a 40h free course made by google on digital marketing.

 

I am looking to what i can do more. I have so much energy and i am wasting it every day.

 

Fapped last two days. Felt tired, especially in the morning.

 

I paid as much attention at the lecture this morning. Finished an assignment.

Edited November 28, 2020 by Everyday

[fridjonk]

2 hours ago, Everyday said:

I have so much energy and i am wasting it every day.

Use it to contemplate, it will get you far in life in every aspect. 

 

[Everyday]

18 hours ago, Everyday said:

On 26/11/2020 at 9:34 AM, Everyday said:

I am meeting with one of the owners from first start-up/internship today to help with with some ads.

I loved it! It was soo awesome! It was so interesting i could be doing it for hours!

Finally, today we published them. I am waiting to get approved.

 

Send some more applications. I am getting nervous and impatient. Also, pissed for not starting these courses earlier. I could have got a job by now. And i am also pissed every day i don't find a job is another day in this dump. I hate it.

 

I payed attention at lectures but didn't study on my own afterwards.

 

Didn't put much energy is sales for that start-up. Don't care that much. But i want to learn so yeah....

 

Kept driving with my father. He kept telling me i should learn faster and stop making mistakes. I wont give up

 

Last few days i paid more attention to how i take care of myself. Realised i am presenting myself as sloppy and indifferent. I haven't cleaned my shoes in months, my pants are ratty and so on. I dont like this and kept pushing it for later instead of dealing with it.