165 Days Before College

[Everyday]

Posted my situation with my GF on reddit. Everyone thought i am a toxic boyfriend. Read some articles about toxic relationships and turns out i am toxic. I have to change my behaviour so that i wont run into the same mistake again in future relationships.

 

BTW- spoke with her yesterday about our relationship. She told me i love you by her own initiative two days ago. Finally, she said she got over my mistake because she have seen in the last 3 weeks that i am really sorry and didn't act on purpose. She told me she reacted that bad because she wanted to be sure i wont make the same mistake again. Still hard to copprehend and admit how bad was this situation for her too. I understand a little more that not keeping my promises to her was a huge mistake more so that she had abusive BF before me and she is very careful. I see now better that is toxic to get upset for stupid reasons. And especially to get upset again after i promised i wont do it again. Also, she also got over it because i agreed to have a long distance relationship and she knows is a compromise for me. She said she's still afraid it will happen again. That a lot of problems happened in the same time we argued and it was way too much. She said she's sorry if i thought she's taken me as a fool and she didn't want me to think she's playing with me. That she knows i have gone through horrible weeks.

 

I will stay with her and learn to control my impulses and experience how long distance relationships are like. Still don't see myself with her in the long run. Still afraid i wont find another and don't want to see her with someone else. I want to see how long i can go without making the same problem. My goal is to pass three months. Hope she will trust me again like before even if i don't see myself with her long term. Hope i can get motivated by her drive to push things harder in my life too. I am insecure and want her approval again  

 

 

[Everyday]

Met with her a few hours ago and she told me she wants to break up. We talked and both agreed to break up. I feel relieved and happy. Here starts my 1st break up.

 

For me it started as an opportunity to get relationship and sex experience- later it developed into me craving her approval. So in order to keep her with me i started pretending and showing her this perfect BF which stressed the shit out of me. I concealed most of my toxic impulses and was so stressed all the time, even just sending a message to appear warm and caring enough. Now i feel relieved. Like a huge weight off my chest. She was surprised i didnt react worse but i never wanted to keep this relationship, just wanted to not get my self esteem hurt, wanted to please her so bad for approval, that i ignored i wasn't happy with her.

 

Why did i get from this relationship? More experience than i expected as my goal was to begin the relationship. I was really desperate and still am. Glad i learned so much. I am indeed an asshole and a toxic bf. Going to be better from now on.

 

I'm concerned i craved her approval so much. I need to improve my self esteem. I am bothered i made mistakes and she changed her opinion on me now, i want her to like me even if i knew from the beginning I don't find her very good for me. And bothered me she said again i should care more about my career. I know she's right.

 

Edited October 13, 2020 by Everyday
updates

[Everyday]

13 hours ago, Everyday said:

Here starts my 1st break up.

Feel happy and relieved each time i remember we broke up. What can i do? get in another relationship and not make those mistake again, keep learning. She told me what it bothered her about being with me and i wrote all down.

 

Still bothers me i made so many mistakes but she did too. She was a difficult person with many problems and i couldn't bear her baggage anymore. I wanted her approval bad but wasn't happy. I wished a girl to have sex and spent time with not a serious relationship. Really happy the probability to find someone like her are very small.

 

A month ago i forgot why i got in the relationship in the first place and lost my shit when she said she is thinking if she wants to be with me anymore or not. Why? Because i thought smth is wrong with me, that my self esteem was at stake, her opinion about me. I cried a few times, i had no appetite, was sad, moody and thought about it all the time. So most emotions about this break up got consumed over the span of this month. Plus, i don't want to drink again to get over her. If I abstained last month  100% i can do it now. I want to get over her asap, don't want to keep thinking of her and keep thinking of her.

 

I will read some resources about how to get over a break up tomorrow. Looking to get in another relationship and this scares me. Where will i find another girl? What should i do? I was single for years ahahah. Will be fine.

 

Any advice you'd like to give? I am curious what you think about this break up if you read the last pages of this journal so far. Feel free to write me

Edited October 13, 2020 by Everyday

[Everyday]

Realised many things since we broke up:

• I realised i stopped doing/ delayed spending time with my family, doing what i liked and other chores to spend more time with her or thinking of her. I had way less motivation to do errands than i have now, because in comparison it wasn't so fun. I see i wanted to run away from my problems spending time with her was a way to do so
• that i wanted to prove to my past self i can get a gf
• that i loved receiving affection, love and approval from her rather than loved her as a person. and i was so desperate to get that that i kept and kept the relationship going even if i wasn't really ok
• that i tried to compensate for my lack of motivation by being with her, hoping i will get motivated too. 
• that i miss the affection and love i got not miss her as a person
• that i reacted like a nut when she said she's thinking if she wants to be with me or not because i was gravitating between hope and desperation. it was very very toxic.
• that i felt guilty i started this relationship with her when she needed support and had life and career problems because i felt i cant live her like that. that i have to stay and help her. that i didnt get in for a serious relationship like she did

Edited October 15, 2020 by Everyday

[Everyday]

update: 17oct20, Saturday

 

Last few days i blocked each thought about her as soon as i caught myself. Slowly, i felt my motivation returning to me. Very strange. I had energy to do errands and work on myself like i haven't in months.

 

This morning i woke up and got afraid she'll think im an asshole if i dont ask her how her week was like, if they accepted her conditions of resignation. And i asked her even if i knew im after the approval she might give me for messaging.

So a few hours later she responds and we kept texting about her work and then the conversation got more flirty. I felt so happy and cant say why. Was it because i thought her responding is a sign of approval? I have no idea. Really dont know. I felt so so happy and cheerful afterwards.

Since then i kept thinking of her and imagining how we'll get back together even if i know now more than ever we aren't good for each other!

 

 

After a few hours i felt less and less good. Started wondering if she'll replay to the rest of my messages. Wanted to get another and another message to feel so good again. Felt resentful after some time. After a few more hours i felt unmotivated and couldn't control not thinking of her. I guess my mind thinks that since is so easy to feel good around her why bother to do hard work? The satisfaction from that will come harder. So i just sent a message and that's it? Dopamine? It seems so and it was like this since we got together. It wasn't even very intimate talk or smth deeper. It was so simple i was amazed. Do i need that little from a relationship to feel good? Am i confusing happiness with love?

It was easier to get dopamine from speaking with her, texting and seeing her than to run errands, study, work harder and so on. Wow. 

 

After a few more hours i started to wonder why she isn't replaying and just got into the rabbit hole. I thought all kinds of things from not caring of me to being ignored and so on. And it was exactly like this when we were together all the time, especially in the end. And after that i would get needy and resentful that she didn't respond earlier even if i knew she's busy. I should have blocked those thoughts. It was really exhausting.

 

Edited October 17, 2020 by Everyday

[mmKay]

4 hours ago, Everyday said:

that i tried to compensate for my lack of motivation by being with her, hoping i will get motivated too. 

Thats a quite big insight imo

[Everyday]

On 16/10/2020 at 2:38 AM, mmKay said:

Thats a quite big insight imo

Do you know what's really funny? That i didn't get any insane boost of motivation in 7 months together! I even started to get less and less motivation because i would compare myself consciously and unconsciously with her level motivation.

 

No person in the world can make me do anything no matter how hard they try if i don't make an effort myself! All my life i waited to get other people's skills and motivation by being around them without doing anything myself. It never worked.

[Everyday]

On 15/10/2020 at 2:02 PM, Everyday said:

Realised many things since we broke up:

• I realised i stopped doing/ delayed spending time with my family, doing what i liked and other chores to spend more time with her or thinking of her. I had way less motivation to do errands than i have now, because in comparison it wasn't so fun. I see i wanted to run away from my problems spending time with her was a way to do so
• that i wanted to prove to my past self i can get a gf
• that i loved receiving affection, love and approval from her rather than loved her as a person. and i was so desperate to get that that i kept and kept the relationship going even if i wasn't really ok
• that i tried to compensate for my lack of motivation by being with her, hoping i will get motivated too. 
• that i miss the affection and love i got not miss her as a person
• that i reacted like a nut when she said she's thinking if she wants to be with me or not because i was gravitating between hope and desperation. it was very very toxic.
• that i felt guilty i started this relationship with her when she needed support and had life and career problems because i felt i cant live her like that. that i have to stay and help her. that i didnt get in for a serious relationship like she did

 

• I see now how much i wanted to prove to many people that i can have a relationship. So at the very beginning i was very anxious to loose my first relationship so i kept going and going, pleasing her and walking all over my own needs. I was proud to tell to my family and friends i have a GF. To speak with them about my relationship, to say ''im going to see her tonight'' and ''im speaking with her atm''.
• I got called gay by family and friends for not having a gf, i got ridiculed by so many people for not having a gf i just wanted to compensate for my past. I wanted to prove to everyone there is nothing wrong with me that i was eager to accept almost any behaviour from a girl just to be together. I still am. 
• Funny i didn't see it right away. Wow.

 

• I realised that when i think about a relationship i focus first if she wants to be with me, if i am good enough for her, i she'll accept me, regardless of my own likes and criteria.
• Last year i rejected that girl from high school i met a few times with because i was so anxious my friends and family will make fun of me for being with her. And didn't like her that much either but i didnt go out with her anymore. Wow. So much insecurity. But i was totally ok with this gf, even if we had much much less in common because i thought the others will like her.

Edited October 17, 2020 by Everyday

[Everyday]

On 15/10/2020 at 10:32 PM, Everyday said:

This morning i woke up and got afraid she'll think im an asshole if i dont ask her how her week was like, if they accepted her conditions of resignation. And i asked her even if i knew im after the approval she might give me for messaging.

So a few hours later she responds and we kept texting about her work and then the conversation got more flirty. I felt so happy and cant say why. Was it because i thought her responding is a sign of approval? I have no idea. Really dont know. I felt so so happy and cheerful afterwards.

Since then i kept thinking of her and imagining how we'll get back together even if i know now more than ever we aren't good for each other!

After a few hours i felt less and less good. Started wondering if she'll replay to the rest of my messages. Wanted to get another and another message to feel so good again. Felt resentful after some time. After a few more hours i felt unmotivated and couldn't control not thinking of her. I guess my mind thinks that since is so easy to feel good around her why bother to do hard work? The satisfaction from that will come harder. So i just sent a message and that's it? Dopamine? It seems so and it was like this since we got together. It wasn't even very intimate talk or smth deeper. It was so simple i was amazed. Do i need that little from a relationship to feel good? Am i confusing happiness with love?

It was easier to get dopamine from speaking with her, texting and seeing her than to run errands, study, work harder and so on. Wow. 

After a few more hours i started to wonder why she isn't replaying and just got into the rabbit hole. I thought all kinds of things from not caring of me to being ignored and so on. And it was exactly like this when we were together all the time, especially in the end. And after that i would get needy and resentful that she didn't respond earlier even if i knew she's busy. I should have blocked those thoughts. It was really exhausting.

 

Late at night she replayed with just one message compared with a few which i sent. I replayed to that and she seen my answer. I got into a rabbit hole of insecurity, doubt, questioning my value and wroth and so on. Just because the way i thought of the reasons behind her reaction. Now i am thinking more and more and i am at base one again. I will keep going. It was a mistake to txt her and i wont keep doing it. That's what i want anyways. It will take a few days to go back at my old motivation levels an is ok.

Edited October 18, 2020 by Everyday

[silene]

On 13/10/2020 at 1:20 PM, Everyday said:

Any advice you'd like to give? I am curious what you think about this break up if you read the last pages of this journal so far. Feel free to write me

Hi, yes I've been following your journal through the breakup, took a while to reply because my life's pretty hectic too! Sorry to hear you've been going through this, it's a tough time I can tell. But you're doing great at reflecting and contemplating your way through it; my advice is to continue this learning process and don't feel you need to rush into anything new, on the rebound, or to fulfil anyone else's expectations until you're good and ready (I'm still learning after 15 years married!)

  You're already complete and perfect as you are

[RendHeaven]

I feel for you brother, my story is extremely similar to yours.

This was YOU a week ago (maybe it still is you):

This is what you know you could be one day:

A piece of this is already within you, you're just choosing not to tend to it.

[Everyday]

On 19/10/2020 at 5:06 PM, Marc Schinkel said:

"Our freedom can be measured by the number of things we can walk away from." - Vernon Howard

Thanks  a lot! I thought of this and i see your point now

On 18/10/2020 at 9:30 PM, silene said:

. But you're doing great at reflecting and contemplating your way through it;

Thanks for your kind words.

 

On 20/10/2020 at 3:22 AM, RendHeaven said:

I feel for you brother, my story is extremely similar to yours.

 

What happened in your case?  if you are willing to share of course

On 20/10/2020 at 3:22 AM, RendHeaven said:

A piece of this is already within you, you're just choosing not to tend to it.

I thought more and more about what i want in life. Haven't done it in months. I see i forgot what i wanted and just focused everything on this relationship and expected to get everything i need from it. I really lost touch with myself...

 

 

[Everyday]

On 18/10/2020 at 9:27 AM, Everyday said:

Late at night she replayed with just one message compared with a few which i sent. I replayed to that and she seen my answer. I got into a rabbit hole of insecurity, doubt, questioning my value and wroth and so on. Just because the way i thought of the reasons behind her reaction. Now i am thinking more and more and i am at base one again. I will keep going. It was a mistake to txt her and i wont keep doing it. That's what i want anyways. It will take a few days to go back at my old motivation levels an is ok.

Edited Sunday at 09:28 AM by Everyday

So i messaged her on Saturday morning. Sunday afternoon was the worst. Got better on Tuesday night. 

 

When we broke up we spoke about hooking up when she returns in the city, just for sex no personal discussions. Anyways, i felt happy with this arrangement, since i thought she'll return next year around March. But when i spoke with her on Saturday she said she might return sooner. Since then i got more and more thoughts about her, imagining scenarios how we'll get back together and so on. It was so hard for days to block those thoughts. So i decided to not have sex with her when she returns, and i am quite sure it wont happen anyways.

 

I realised that i don't see sex just for what it is, but i see a way to prove her i am motivated and i have changed and basically get approval. But i still know we aren't right for each other. I am not giving my self time to heal if i have hope. So i decided on Tuesday i wont do it no matter what. And so interesting that since then i stopped thinking of her so often. And when i do..... i feel sad and desperate that... i wont find another girl. I got comfortable with her even if i knew i'm not happy. I wanted to end the relationship anyways. So fascinating how i was hiding facing my dating fears thinking i dont need to bother with being single just yet. Not quite. Lol. Really interesting..

 

On 18/10/2020 at 9:30 PM, silene said:

don't feel you need to rush into anything new, on the rebound, or to fulfil anyone else's expectations until you're good and ready

I feel i want to show myself i can get same emotions with someone else. That i don't need to ever be miserable again. I want to show myself i can meet my relationship needs with someone else.

[RendHeaven]

On 10/21/2020 at 0:05 PM, Everyday said:

What happened in your case?  if you are willing to share of course

Well, back when I posted that comment I was still in a relationship, haha. But not anymore...

Wrote about my feelings in my new Journal

[Everyday]

20 hours ago, RendHeaven said:

Well, back when I posted that comment I was still in a relationship, haha. But not anymore...

Wrote about my feelings in my new Journal

Sorry to hear this man

[RendHeaven]

11 minutes ago, Everyday said:

Sorry to hear this man

Np I feel surprisingly content rn

I will continue to detail all of my crippling insecurities and the letting go process.

I really hope that will help other guys in the future.

That is one thing that I really like about your journal, when I find relatable moments it gives me a boost

[Everyday]

12 minutes ago, RendHeaven said:

Np I feel surprisingly content rn

I will continue to detail all of my crippling insecurities and the letting go process.

I really hope that will help other guys in the future.

That is one thing that I really like about your journal, when I find relatable moments it gives me a boost

Btw just read your break-up journal and indeed our situations are similar. 

To be honest i didn't really see a problem in caring more about her than myself but she said if i do this and that for her, than she breaks up with me i will be left with nothing and i will blame her. Also, that i am putting too much pressure on her by making her priority nr.1 of my life. Anyways, i see you really liked your gf from the beginning, in my case i was happy just to be with someone and make up for my past failings in this area.

 

Also, you liked her because she meet a few criteria you wanted and needed. You'll meet someone who will match with even more criteria im sure.  And another thing that is helping me a lot is to not listen to sad music, checking her profile or pictures on my phone and to block thoughts when i catch myself thinking of her spontaneously.  The last part is very hard.

 

Hope this helps.

Edited October 25, 2020 by Everyday

[Everyday]

Updates:

• Read all posts starting from December 2019. Wow. I forgot what struggles i had back then. I would have worked harder. 

 

• Read all posts about my ex. Wow. I forgot how vulnerable, scared and insecure i was in the very beginning. I was sooo anxious she'll leave me. I tried really hard to keep the relationship for the sake of having a GF. I really learned a lot since then.  I was really really anxious and afraid and really grew as a person after out argument last month.
• I exaggerated, forgot or changed the history of our relationship in my mind. 

 

• I forgot the exact month I went out with that girl from high school. It was December. I didnt want a relationship with her and we spoke about remaining friends. Lol. We didnt speak since then. I forgot i wished she wont contact me again and was super happy she didnt. I realised i didnt think much about her since then. And that i dont want to see my ex either. Dont want to be friends. A week and a day passed since we spoke last time and i happy about it. It was really exhausting in the last months. 

 

• I am more productive and better each day. I made so much progress with the FB ads course. I have a better opinion about myself. I got really anxious i wont get a job after i finish a few more courses. I am full of negative thinking. Is ok i will get a job. One step at a time- one video at a time, one course etc. 

 

• Still think of her from time to time but i block the thoughts asap. Sometimes is harder. But the thoughts are about sex or her saying i am not working hard enough and not having a purpose. So is all good since isn't about her as a person but more about the relationship advantages so to speak and my hurt ego (career).

 

• I contacted one of the girls who flirted with me at krav in the past. My GF hated those girls. I didn't get a rebound relationship because i showed too much interest and was too needy etc. I wanted to be sure im not missing on an opportunity. Cant say i liked that girl a lot either. Funny how i said to myself a few months i will never do smth like this =))))) I was happy she said basically no since i am not in the best emotional shape atm to start a new relationship. 

 

• I started my 5th kombucha brew yesterday. I will harvest some veggies from my garden. I keep the bottles next to my desk and drink while studying =))) Didn't have patience and drank all my F1. Couldn't wait for F2 =))))
• My hemp plant is a huuuuuuge monster now. My parents are freaking out ahahahah.
• Went to uni with a colleague by bike last week. It was fun. I was afraid i will get hit by a car or smth. It was ok i was careful. Meant to do that trip for a long time.
• I prepared a big bag of old clothes for charity 2 weeks ago but i keep forgetting sending them 
• Cooked more
• Finally, starting tomorrow to go to kineto therapy for my back. 

Edited October 25, 2020 by Everyday

[RendHeaven]

20 hours ago, Everyday said:

And another thing that is helping me a lot is to not listen to sad music, checking her profile or pictures on my phone and to block thoughts when i catch myself thinking of her spontaneously.  The last part is very hard.

I'm curious to know what you consider "sad" music  My favorite music is both sad and happy at the same time - like most of life.

I'm not a fan of blocking thoughts. It makes your energy more dense.

Rather, try fully feeling the emotion and allowing it to be. This is WAY harder than blocking off, but it's more healing!

[Everyday]

59 minutes ago, RendHeaven said:

I'm curious to know what you consider "sad" music  My favorite music is both sad and happy at the same time - like most of life.

I'm not a fan of blocking thoughts. It makes your energy more dense.

Rather, try fully feeling the emotion and allowing it to be. This is WAY harder than blocking off, but it's more healing!

I mean songs that remind you of her 

Than do what works for you and what makes you feel better