165 Days Before College

[Everyday]

On 19/04/2020 at 7:26 PM, Everyday said:

13 h left

12:30 hours left

Studying is a little better. 

Last night at 19:00 i got a message from the Erasmus guy of my faculty. The message was only for me and a girl. He asked us if we would prefer to study abroad or do an internship? and said we should answer before 12:00 next day. I checked my inbox at 13:40. I replayed but he didn't respond. I might just worry again too much.

 

I am annoyed of my first-relationship cringe i am doing with her. I am hardly willing to accept that i am learning. I am making so many mistakes. 

A month and a few days of taking to her daily and i thought she warmed up to me almost completely.  But the last two days i realized i am at the beginning of warming her up to me. I am dealing with her years of bad and abusive boyfriends. To be honest i am not sure i can handle so much trauma.

 

I fell in decadence studying abroad. I indulged in many stuff.

Edited April 23, 2020 by Everyday

[Everyday]

On 25/03/2020 at 1:36 PM, Everyday said:

Well, i used a spray bottle and later a syringe. I will put another batch. That's exactly the problem- the soil underneath is dry af. 

 

I just pour water over now- it works best. Using the syringe and spray bottle was inefficient. I got a bunch of seedlings now even if the soil is bad.

Edited April 23, 2020 by Everyday

[silene]

On 23/04/2020 at 8:00 PM, Everyday said:

I just pour water over now- it works best. Using the syringe and spray bottle was inefficient. I got a bunch of seedlings now even if the soil is bad.

Good progress  I never tried using a syringe to water plants, a sprayer I would use for misting plants which need moist leaves. Gardening is such a diverse thing!  I have bad soil too, my garden is basically a few inches of soil chucked by the builders on top of the foundations of an old road. I spend more time improving the soil than looking after plants (picking out stones and putting in compost). Trying to think long term - good soil is so valuable, gives good roots and therefore good plants.  The important deep parts are often unseen.  

[Everyday]

On 25/04/2020 at 4:17 AM, silene said:

Good progress 

Thanks! 

 

On 25/04/2020 at 4:17 AM, silene said:

a sprayer I would use for misting plants which need moist leaves.

I understand.

 

On 25/04/2020 at 4:17 AM, silene said:

I spend more time improving the soil than looking after plants

True

On 25/04/2020 at 4:17 AM, silene said:

Trying to think long term - good soil is so valuable, gives good roots and therefore good plants.  The important deep parts are often unseen.  

I agree. The bad part is that it takes years to make it depending on how damaged is the soil. 

[Everyday]

My father started digging all across the yard to set up a drainage pipe. He is really bored =)))))) This meant hours of digging for him, an alcoholic construction worker friend of his, my brother and me. Hope we finish tomorrow. I have to skip krav for this =))) My father and him are drinking all day =))) That guy is paid in beer not money =))))

 

All my cucumber plants died because they are in the shade. Three medicinal plant seeds i put in the garden next to the other plants have grown. They are around 3 cm. 

 

The other growing project i started a month ago, helped by the guy from the 2nd internship is going very well! I am glad. He is really proud of me as i am of myself.

 

Just worked for a few minutes for uni. I have this heavy resistance built up around me for skipping studying for weeks. Is hard to get back on track. I don't know where to start from.

 

I got 7 plants left to collect to finish my herbarium. 

 

 

 

Edited April 26, 2020 by Everyday

[Everyday]

On 09/02/2020 at 3:20 AM, Girzo said:

Heh, you shouldn't. If you want to go, you will go. There's always an opportunity unless you study at some very crowded and famous university. Many people just talk, blah blah blah, that they want to go but in the end resign because of something, be it girlfriend, money, etc.

I received yesterday an email of acceptance for Erasmus plus. I saw it this morning at work. I was so happy. Beside me the email was directed toward only three other people. None from my year. I am surprised. You were right @Girzo! I expected more people.

 

My family was very happy. My GF was happy as well. My family asked me if she was ok with me leaving next year. I would leave anyways for my career. I find it early to think too much of this relationship so far as over a year from now. My brother's ex wanted to go with Erasmus in Spain and my brother argued with her not to go. He was afraid the relationship wont resist. 

 

I am preparing an email to ask that company again for an internship. Last autumn i forgot my  meeting with them and came across as dumb. I hope they take me in. The guy from the second internship was very happy for me. He did training there as well.

 

Cant believe this journal has 15 pages! Last two years seemed a lifetime.

 

Edited April 28, 2020 by Everyday

[Everyday]

On 28/04/2020 at 8:50 PM, Everyday said:

I am preparing an email to ask that company again for an internship. Last autumn i forgot my  meeting with them and came across as dumb. I hope they take me in. The guy from the second internship was very happy for me. He did training there as well.

 

My GF, sis and my mentor from the second internship helped me make it look perfect.

Edited May 1, 2020 by Everyday

[Everyday]

 

 

Edited May 1, 2020 by Everyday

[Everyday]

I checked my old Facebook account and saw a message from last Friday from a high school colleague i didn't speak with in three years. The message was delivered at 6AM!!!! He asked me how am i and if i am still alive. Lol. Why now? I assume he felt bad and wanted to check if i am worse than him. He got in the same uni as the girl i rejected. We three were classmates. She told me he is still 1st year for the 3rd time in a row. 

 

My garden is thriving. I have some white flies but besides all is good. I have small peppers and tomatoes. I added thyme, oregano and rosemary from the market. The seedlings from the living room are also very good. Hahahah i think i need another row for them all.

 

Waiting for the company response. They said they got an early weekend and will replay to me on Monday.

 

Spoke with my best friend about my gf. He had experience with a few long distance relationships. He said that is amazing that she warmed up to me so fast given her past and that is hard to trust and open up to someone over phone or video. Didn't realize this until now.

 

Edited May 2, 2020 by Everyday

[Everyday]

Studying is going better. I will have the first test in two weeks at botany- i am stressed. I started again making flashcards. I have so much to study left last minute again. Oooooof.

 

Finished a project for math in a few hours. It was very simple but I was lazy. Started working on it a month ago and stopped after the first problem aroused.

 

Did some homework one day before due date because being lazy as well. I looked at it a few weeks ago and bailed because i didn't have patience to think it through. 

 

Fell asleep during an online class this morning.

 

Still haven't drank alcohol. 

 

The seedlings from my living room are almost ready to be planted outside.

 

The quarantine will be over soon over here. I will see her in a few weeks.

 

This Monday i was so tired and doing krav at 8AM was so painful. I was walking around the room out of boredom. Oof. Cant believe I have been in quarantine for more or less than two months!!!!

 

I made a mistake at work. My father couldn't let it go and had to make fun of me and remind me of it over and over again. I reminded him about some of his and he didn't like it. Accused me of disrespecting him but by dawn he got over it. So making fun of us is ok but not the other way around? Are we supposed to not dare to point out his mistakes?

[Everyday]

 

Some retarded professor wants us to work on one of his programmes, coded in 2001! I cant figure it out and not many of my colleagues did. He is too lazy to use zoom to explain us what to do. Now, after more than a month of not answering emails from us he woke up from slumber and is very angry on us. He wants us to work out his outdated B.S. Still didn't figure out how to fix that until next week. 

I didn't step forward to confront this dumb professor about the irrelevance of his software. I wont fail an exam again for standing up for myself. Nothing will change regardless. Some colleague of mine confronted him and now he is waiting to be punished. The uni in my country is a joke. 

 

Besides this i am feeling amazing. I had two - three days of freaking out about my relationship but now is all gone. I feel calm and chill.

 

Still waiting for a response from that Erasmus company. 

 

This Saturday i am putting new plants in my garden. Some of those seedlings from the living room are ready. I expected one of those potatoes to grow out of the soil by now. Still waiting for this to happen.

 

I skipped krav this morning. I was so tired this week. Last night i just wanted to end the session sooner. It was exhausting. 

 

ahhahahahahah we had out first zoom genetics class. The professor was really annoyed that she has to manually accept the meeting requests from each student. Like only 20 =)))))). Other professors have 70-200 students and no one is bitching. She is expecting us to study last minute for her exams. Doesnt matter she ignored us for two months. Now we have to do all that studying in no time. 

[Everyday]

Found a hemp plant growing in my backyard!

Edited May 11, 2020 by Everyday

[Everyday]

On 07/05/2020 at 10:02 PM, Everyday said:

Some retarded professor wants us to work on one of his programmes, coded in 2001! I cant figure it out and not many of my colleagues did. He is too lazy to use zoom to explain us what to do. Now, after more than a month of not answering emails from us he woke up from slumber and is very angry on us. He wants us to work out his outdated B.S. Still didn't figure out how to fix that until next week. 

I didn't step forward to confront this dumb professor about the irrelevance of his software. I wont fail an exam again for standing up for myself. Nothing will change regardless. Some colleague of mine confronted him and now he is waiting to be punished. The uni in my country is a joke. 

So i sent him screenshots with the error his programmes are showing me. He just told me to read the instructions again. Which i did. It didn't work. I showed him with detailed screenshots what exactly doesn't work. He got upset.

 

He said: Do i need teach you how to write and read? 

 

I felt so angry and powerless. I asked him for clarifications just because i wanted to do my homework. He answers me like this...... i wanted to understand and me makes me dumb in front on everyone. I wasn't disrespectful or anything when i asked him for clarifications. I wanted to messaged him and tell him some insults. He kept saying the same thing- to read instruction and write the same code- it didn't work. He doesn't know how to fix his own codes midway! What else? Also, he compared his work with Michelangelo's..........

My sis calmed me down and set next to me while i did all over again the whole programmes. This time, idk why but it worked. I sent him both programmes completed and didn't say anything else. I only have this semester with this human trash. I want to finish college.  

Edited May 10, 2020 by Everyday

[Everyday]

On 10/05/2020 at 1:25 PM, Everyday said:

Found a hemp plant growing in my backyard!

 

[Everyday]

On 10/05/2020 at 10:27 PM, Everyday said:

felt so angry and powerless. I asked him for clarifications just because i wanted to do my homework. He answers me like this...... i wanted to understand and me makes me dumb in front on everyone. I wasn't disrespectful or anything when i asked him for clarifications. I wanted to messaged him and tell him some insults. He kept saying the same thing- to read instruction and write the same code- it didn't work. He doesn't know how to fix his own codes midway! What else? Also, he compared his work with Michelangelo's..........

He was an asshole with other colleagues as well. Don't get this old man.

We had some homework to do this morning. I had questions but i didn't want to be insulted again. After other colleagues finish it, i corrected and posted mine.

[Everyday]

The Company i inquired for an Erasmus internship responded yesterday. He remembered we talked last year. We set up a Skype call on the 3rd of June.

Studying for botany is going so much better.

Woke up at 9 but laid in bed until 13:00. 

 

Almost got into arguments with some clients yesterday. Arrived home and watered my plants and i broke on off the pepper plants and pulled off a red pepper from another with the hose. Some more seedlings i planted last week died because is too hot outside.

 

Spoke with three friends from the NL. Remembered how much i want to leave from here. How many potential there is in NL for my growth and career. And that i was such a clown with one of the friends i spoke with. I didn't have much in common so i made a clown of myself to make them laugh. I regret this. At least, i haven't made shit friends since i got back. Is so much better to not have to try to make the wrong people to like me.

 

Some more professors woke up from slumber. They are angry now and want us to be ready for exams even if they didn't teach us shit in the 2 months. They got paid to teach us but most of them didn't. Lazy af. 

Nine hours left from arnold's book.

 

I am not ok with how much time i waste. I have so much time and i am lazy. 

Edited May 16, 2020 by Everyday

[Everyday]

I am still tired af. My GF as well. The time we will see each other is near and she seems put back up some shields and suspicions towards me. They say a word about it. I guess is normal to be worried- she said: we'll see if you can get used to the way i am. 

 

Noticed that a part of her jealous and crazy behaviour lowered down a lot when it was met with acceptance and understanding. She was used to behave like this in her past relationships. I showed her another way. At least i am glad about it.

 

 

My brother and sis seem to want my relationship to fail. My sister even asked if we are like together or just speaking.

My brother especially. He asks all kinds of questions about her, looking like he's comparing his GF with mine. They both study at the same degree but different years. His GF is already envious mine got a scholarship and has a good job already in the field they are both studying. Anyways, that's what my intuition is saying so far.

 

Overall, I feel embarrassed about the way my family reacts to my first relationship. Myself, i feel like more and more baggage is resurfacing. One of the things i realized is that it not having relationships and more experience really affected my self esteem and self worth. But i suppressed all this and didn't bother me too much.

Now, on the other hand i see is not ok to have my first GF at 21. Is quite late in my opinion. I am making some many noob mistakes.... i wish i could have let myself make them earlier. That i have been really bothered all along by the fact i wasn't having a GF or sex. For many years i would just say i don't care about it- and i felt like i didn't. But deep down i did, a lot. It was too much to deal with it, still is.

Some of my top mistakes: told her we should move together at the end of this year and if this wasn't enough o told her indirectly i love her- BOTH after just one month. She freak out- i would have.

I am still understanding how many self limitations, fears and anxiety i have around relationship with women. Is crazy. All this made me even prouder i got rid of the toxic friends i had in HS. Horrible people- but the truth is that  they were a part of my pre-existing fears. I can blame them for everything.

 

 

 

One of the traits i searched in friends all these years was not to challenge me on my fears with women. To be comfortable with them, not to think about it and just ignore it. I still have that anxiety when people start speaking about sex and exes around me. I feel insecure, defensive and trapped. 

 I have just begun to heal. In the span of over two months i wanted so many times to leave her- just because i believe i don't deserve to be in a relationship. That i am not yet ready. 

 

Four years ago the first time and last time i had sex impacted tremendously my self confidence. The first time i had sex with her she was cool about it even if i was too drunk to get an erection. The second she was pissed on her ex - irrelevant to speak about it. We skipped a lot of foreplay and i came in a few seconds. She didn't take it well. Since then i avoided to have sex on the basis that another girl will make the same reaction. Four years passed and only now i started doing smth about it like kegel exercises. I was so paralysed about it, still am. I still don't believe i can do it.

Lately, I started fapping while controlling my breath... i got so excited i didnt cum in a few seconds... that i kept going and going.... and then negative thoughts came in..'' i cant, this isn't me, i will fail, i cant learn this, etc''. Just a taste of how deep my wounds are.

 

This thing made me even more insecure that i can get in a relationship than before. I still am. I still am resistant to deal with it even more because i don't fully believe i can do it. Images of people who made fun me of appear in my mind on a daily basis. What would they say if they saw me? I cant just cant- stuff like this. And many times i think is BS but doesn't mean actually doing it is easier....

 

 

Edited May 16, 2020 by Everyday

[Everyday]

I am preparing for the Erasmus interview this Wednesday.

Finally saw my GF. Last night was the forth time we meet f2f since after the quarantine.

Also, starting other driving lessons next week. I did one 2 weeks ago and i was so tense and anxious. It was really bad in the beginning.

Cheated a lot taking these online tests and exams. Lol. Online education is a joke. Cant wait to be done with these finlas by the ned of next month.

Cant believe tomorrow is 1st of June! The middle of the year, already?

My garden is going strong.

 

 

 

[Everyday]

On 31/05/2020 at 4:25 PM, Everyday said:

Also, starting other driving lessons next week. I did one 2 weeks ago and i was so tense and anxious. It was really bad in the beginning.

 

I had two driving lessons so far. It was ok in the end. i was so anxious i wanted to bale. i was so fking scared. I vibe with my professor and we always crack jokes while driving. The engine died just once during the 1st lesson. I did good overall, unlike the 3 rd time which was after 3 days without driving. I made some big mistakes. But it was better in the end.

 

Cheated on some more tests and exams at uni. Technical problems with tests and exams plus digitally incompetent professors. 

 

Still no answer from the company i enquired for an internship.

 

At the first internship we had some advertising for a big project. An agency helped us and i liked them immediately. This was last November. Thought since then i definitely want to work there and do facebook and google ads stuff. It so exciting but cant say why. Emailed the girl who helped us from them and waiting for her advice. I would like to start it at the end of this month. Also, it would be nice to have smth extra to keep my mind off driving stress. Im lucky i dont have to stress about exams at uni.

Some more conflicts with clients. Got me shivering and anxious. I held myself back from not swearing and insulting over the top like last time. Also, my father told me to take it easy. 

 

Edited June 9, 2020 by Everyday

[Everyday]

She came back in my city for work to be with me. she could start work in July but she wanted to see me. She works like 12h five days a week and has difficult exams. She told me this because i threw a tantrum out of nowhere and than i a appolgised. 

 

We met 4 times now. First she came to see me at work and the other times i went to her place. I was so anxious of not pleasing her in bed like it was 4 years ago with that girl that i wanted to go home. I was anxious af. We did foreplay 1st time at her place and the last two times lots of foreplay and mutual masturbation. Made many beginner mistakes. Made her cum many times. I cum 4 times. I am getting better each time. 

 

Asking her is she is ok with this and that helped a lot. As well as harder or softer. She was resistant to tell me how she likes and still is. She said she isn't used with so much affection and tenderness. She told me how much she likes this. She is used just with sex and that's just it.

Still surprised she isn't annoyed with my lack of experience.

We are together for 3 months. Idk when time flew by fast.