165 Days Before College

[Everyday]

On 17/02/2020 at 4:20 PM, Everyday said:

I have the last exam on Friday at botany.

I wrote that while i was very stressed. I felt so every day until the exam. I was like one year ago. Feeling too stressed and quitting. I still studied more than two hours but it took so much more brutal force to start again after each session. I took the exam with another group. They were really nice no bullying or anything. I passed with a 9. I was so happy. I still am.

 

 

The professor, said she didnt fail me last time because i didnt want to be in the event she forced us to participate: singing christmas songs.  YEAH SURE. A few months before the exam i told her that is dumb and i am not going to school to sing. She got mad. And she is still the same now. I didnt change her, I just got myself in trouble. Two weeks of extra stress before i could take the exam again. And i payed attention how she graded others: let them say a few phrases  on each subject and passed them. I did the same but she said ''not enough details''. What a bitch!

If she didnt pass me this time i wouldn't be able to even apply for Eramsus. I would have had to wait until next year. And i was lucky. If she was worse she was able to fail me each time until summer or even forever. I cant apply all the radical stuff leo says. In theory i should rebel against these horrible professors but in reality things aren't like i want to.

I learned from this, that even if something is wrong in the school system or about a person i should shut up sometimes. Trying to change the system might have effect in a 1st world country but not in a less developed one. So from now on i will shut up at university and just aim to get a degree. It would be a shame not to be able to take advantage of Erasmus possibilities or to fail a year just because feeling like i need to change something in my university. To fail just because a dumb professor. Is not worth it.

 

 

I was overwhelmed of all the things i want to do now that i am done with finals. 17 tasks. Chose a few to start (Erasmus, plant the seeds for the garden i want to have, observing my schedule so i can insert 2h of studying every day and taking better notes) and scheduled the other for later. I am more relaxed when i know that sometimes all i have to do during a day is just a single task taking x amount of time. After this i am free to be lazy. I wont feel guilty because i worked already towards my goals for an amount of time. All is good

 

Spent the last two days working on erasmus letters and CV. It wasn't the most pleasant activity to do but it was easier having a habit in place now. I remember two years ago when i was writing my letter of intention for NL and UK . I was so resistant and felt so much guilt. In fact last two years were full of guilt and burnout. I am amazing for surviving through that. I had no studying habit or time limits like a job in place. I was struggling each day to get things done.

 

 

Anyways, tomorrow starts the new semester. I will take the labs with other groups as planned. I worry of course, of what my colleagues will say. Will the bullies ask me face to face if i am avoiding them? I got a bunch of lies to use if they do.  Like is better for my schedule, i don't want to have that on Monday, etc. Avoiding them is the best thing i can do right now given my skillset. I keep reframing the negatives that come up with this choice. I am improving bit by bit. Focusing on replaying back and observing the bullying process in all my interactions. The two rednecks are too challenging to deal with right now. And is ok.  I am getting there.

I have the tendency not to speak back to criticism and insults at home too. But i started to noticed it and strike back. I am getting better and better at it every day. Still accepting that is happening. That i avoid and fear conflict. That this has being a theme in my life and is not serving me anymore.

Edited February 23, 2020 by Everyday

[Everyday]

On 23/02/2020 at 10:27 PM, Everyday said:

Anyways, tomorrow starts the new semester. I will take the labs with other groups as planned. I worry of course, of what my colleagues will say. Will the bullies ask me face to face if i am avoiding them? I got a bunch of lies to use if they do.  Like is better for my schedule, i don't want to have that on Monday, etc. Avoiding them is the best thing i can do right now given my skillset. I keep reframing the negatives that come up with this choice. I am improving bit by bit. Focusing on replaying back and observing the bullying process in all my interactions. The two rednecks are too challenging to deal with right now. And is ok.  I am getting there.

 

So this week i went to other groups. One professor didn't let me do the lab with another group and the other one i know wont let me. Basically they are way to lazy to have for example to write down a grade on the paper of another group than the one he's using for the current one. Is too complicated for them even if we are 3 times less people than in my sister's degree at another university. The professors don't complain there. Anyways, the other professors are ok with this.  

I gave some lame explanation (I have to re-do this lab etc etc and i would like to continue with this group to not mess my schedule even more) it worked for most professors. 

So my new colleagues are fine so far.  Some i really like some i dont. It shocked me to se bullying going on in another group as well. This one guy made fun of yet considering still those guys kinda his friends - like i used to. Really sad to realise i have to deal with this for good. Bullying is everywhere with various levels and situations. I have no choice but to deal with it. 

Two girls have a crush on me from one of the groups.

The bullies from my group were really nice to me the first two days. Than one of them called me the that name and i replayed with the one which is 5% more offensive than what i used before. He said nothing in return which means i will keep pushing harder. Being called by him that name didnt frighten me as much like it used to. I believe is because i saw how things are going on in other groups. Made me more relaxed. Is a good choice so far. I feel better. 

 

Edited February 27, 2020 by Everyday

[Everyday]

On 23/02/2020 at 10:27 PM, Everyday said:

Spent the last two days working on erasmus letters and CV. It wasn't the most pleasant activity to do but it was easier having a habit in place now. I remember two years ago when i was writing my letter of intention for NL and UK . I was so resistant and felt so much guilt. In fact last two years were full of guilt and burnout. I am amazing for surviving through that. I had no studying habit or time limits like a job in place. I was struggling each day to get things done.

 

My recommendation letter is almost done. Staying is doable but not 2h daily. I can sneak in 30 min to one hour daily. I feel resistant to start early still after i already started writing down questions for each new lesson.

I will start my first driving lesson in less than 2 weeks together with my sis. Which means even less time to study and work on the internship. I will do some experiments related to me second internship asap than just delay working on new stuff with them for some time. Driving is more important personally. Still observing and adjusting to this new semester accordingly.

So apparently i missed krav for almost 2 months not 1 as i thought. This means i cant take the belt exam in 2 months. I have to wait until fall. This sucks that i cant learn new techniques but is ok. Passing exams was more important. 

 

Edited February 27, 2020 by Everyday

[Everyday]

I used to flirt with a girl at krav last year. I didn't have the balls to ask her out so i presumed her feelings are gone. Met her again 2 days ago at the dojo and we flirted during the whole session. It was so fun. I am still not ready to ask her out. Maybe next week. I really want to. Thing is i am deeply afraid of being seen with her in public by the bullies form uni and high school. I am afraid of them making fun of me for being with a girl they might find unattractive. I really like her. I deny i have this fear but i have it. Is childish but that's the situation. 

I cant live like this anymore. Is so hard to deal with it but i am forced to because i dont want to like this in my 30s. I have been starting to grasp the magnitude and effects of my fear with women. The amount of work needed is insane. Is scary. First step is to accept my current level in dating. The real skills i have. I dont want to admit them.

 

Last few weeks i was blessed with the opportunity to deal with conflict. I am over and over again shocked by the way i judge myself: what i do is horrible, i should have done it better, i cant do things perfectly, i should have said nothing because what i did wasn't good enough. I've been waiting for months for the opportunity of getting into an argument with a client. I concluded that even one little thing per day saying to someone is enough for the big goal of dealing with conflict. I can say just one thin a day and the rest i can say nothing and is still a win. It adds up.

 

Today, opportunity fell in my lap. I felt anxious and excited. I had my father next to me to start the argument with my a client. I was hesitant at first but i started talking shit and insulting that 30 year old dude. My father kept saying me to take it easy to not get into a fight with him. He returned after my father left and i started another argument with him all by myself. He came at me like let's get into a fight. I got overwhelmed by fear that i will get my ass kicked. I cut short the insults going back and forth and he left. 

After it i was still shocked of my response to the fear of being beaten. It is fascinating. I got stiff and tense. Afterwards, i came up with better ways to swear at him and considered the best argument of my life so far as lame. Lol. This was the hardest thing i have ever done and just labeled it as not good enough.

I am dealing with my fear of being beaten by learning more fighting. I am grateful for this job giving me so many opportunities to overreact and argue with people. I am proud of myself deciding to deal with the fear of conflict at such a young age. I am scared to be the same passive self in my 30s. This makes me scared like nothing else. I cant conceive being a grown man avoiding conflict left and right. 

My mother and brother arent proud of me. My father is. Personally i am amazed by the progress i have done in this area and how badly i am criticizing myself.

 

 

Edited March 1, 2020 by Everyday

[Everyday]

I got the recommendation letter signed today by a professor i like. I worked one hour on CV and Motivational letter. I talked with the Erasmus office and sadly, i have to speak with some arrogant professor who is taking care of erasmus for our faculty. I tried to avoid contacting him so far because he calls us dumb all the time and tells us to leave the country and return later to fix it. He has zero respect for us.

Going to email him. I wander what he'll say after reading my CV and motivational letter. 

 

Besides this i still felt terrified of getting into another conflict like yesterday with someone. I cant help but think of that all the time since yesterday. I was worried at work. Just tried to take it easy on myself: not going that hard for a while. I guess being one step from getting into a fight is part of the process of arguing. I think arguing is just intimidation until one side gives up. I dont think that many people would actually get into a real fight. Just pretending to.

[Everyday]

On 01/03/2020 at 10:16 PM, Everyday said:

I used to flirt with a girl at krav last year. I didn't have the balls to ask her out so i presumed her feelings are gone. Met her again 2 days ago at the dojo and we flirted during the whole session. It was so fun. I am still not ready to ask her out. Maybe next week. I really want to.

Long story short I asked her out yesterday and she said yes. We are meeting this Monday. 

 

On 02/03/2020 at 10:47 PM, Everyday said:

Besides this i still felt terrified of getting into another conflict like yesterday with someone. I cant help but think of that all the time since yesterday. I was worried at work. Just tried to take it easy on myself: not going that hard for a while. I guess being one step from getting into a fight is part of the process of arguing. I think arguing is just intimidation until one side gives up. I dont think that many people would actually get into a real fight. Just pretending to.

Still am. but is better. Had some minor conflicts and arguments. I am taking it easy for a while

 

I need a last review of motivational and CV for erasmus. And some paper to get

Edited March 7, 2020 by Everyday

[Everyday]

22 hours ago, Everyday said:

I need a last review of motivational and CV for Erasmus

Just finished the motivational letter. I am proud of it. I worked on it for three weeks. I did little parts every day. 

 

 

I reconnected with some friends from NL.

I invited three friends to krav maga.

 

22 hours ago, Everyday said:

Long story short I asked her out yesterday and she said yes. We are meeting this Monday. 

 

 We kept messaging since then. I am anxious and excited to see her tomorrow. I cleared my work schedule for tomorrows' night by working more today. 

Edited March 8, 2020 by Everyday

[Everyday]

On 08/03/2020 at 0:45 AM, Everyday said:

Friday: Long story short I asked her out yesterday and she said yes. We are meeting this Monday. 

 

We met yesterday. It was really nice. Changed the venue once. I enjoyed myself. In the end she thanked me for the night and she enjoyed it. We made plans to meet in two weeks again. 

I observed my thoughts, i was criticizing myself often. I am not kind with myself.

I was surprised that she asked me why i asked her out. She didn't expect. I thought is obvious i like her and she likes me. But she said she likes me but came out of curiosity. She had a previous relationship that ended up badly and said she wont date for a while but made an exception for me. I will take it easy. 

 

None of this experience would have happened if i didn't take the minimal risk to ask her out online. It was worth it. This was my first date with a girl that i actually like.

 

My family has been living in this city for like 3-4 generations. She's a redneck. She said i didn't strike her as arrogant from being born here like other fellow citizens. I was like yeah thanks lol. She has no idea how me and my family hate rednecks lol. Aside from this she's nice and I ll keep seeing her.

 She was amazed by all the things I've done so far. I was surprised. I have a lot of things to talk about. I had and have an interesting life. I dont give myself enough love for what i have been through and what i have accomplished. 

 

Edited March 10, 2020 by Everyday

[Everyday]

On Monday i am going to submit my folder for ERASMUS. I just finished it. I am very proud of the way it looks. 

I am still coughing but no headaches. I don't have shortness of breath or fever.

On Thursday 19th I'll have the first driving lesson. I think right off the bat i cant learn to drive. 

I had a test on Wednesday and failed it. I didnt study enough and i didnt want to cheat. Everyone but me and a girl didnt pass. Everyone else actually cheated without even hiding and i wish i did too. The professor didnt give a f.

No krav on Wednesday with her because of corona she just left to her village until the quarantine is over. I messaged her safe drive home and we'll speak when you come back, she ''seen'' the message. I think this was too needy + my comments about our supposed relationship at the end of the first date probably freaked her out. I am pissed about it but i am trying to focus on my other goals atm.

Improving in the dating area unravels how weak is my self esteem. 

 

Edited March 12, 2020 by Everyday

[Everyday]

Finally after months of postponing a goal regarding a project related to the second internship, i did 50% of it today and going to finish tomorrow. Oh i can finally devote my time to studying.  Moreover, being done with ERASMUS+ is freeing so much time in my schedule. 

She still, didnt respond. But today i said - i can find another one. Better. And making lists how is not my fault but hers. I know what not to do next time. I told to myself over and over that she's isnt ready for a new relationship after the last one she had. I feel sad but it will pass. 

I looked back on last Monday that i went on a date with her in the beginning of this whole corona craze. It was really irresponsible. But it makes a good story. I had a good time. 

Some more manageable conflict at work. Is all good. I am better now. I worked half day and i could have done all twelve hours. If i had to. 

 

Edited March 13, 2020 by Everyday

[Everyday]

22 hours ago, Everyday said:

Finally after months of postponing a goal regarding a project related to the second internship, i did 50% of it today and going to finish tomorrow

Is done. And also completed another project. All i have to do now is to observe.

I don't know what's going to happen to my country with this virus evolving. Is getting worse fast. Maybe we will close our business if things go out of control. I am unsure of my future atm. 

I am barely coughing now. The incubation period can be 2 weeks. I dont know if i have it or not.

I feel resistant to study now. I have to get used to it again.

[Everyday]

On 14/03/2020 at 9:44 PM, Everyday said:

I am barely coughing now. The incubation period can be 2 weeks. I dont know if i have it or not.

I am coughing from time to time but in rest i feel good. My father recovered as well.

I wanted to go to submit my Erasmus folder but nobody is answering so i sent them an email. I am looking to save time. It takes 2h in total to go and return to university.

I am taking some classes to learn the traffic rules tonight as i did last Friday. I ll call them to be sure they wont cancel them.

Just remembered yesterday i girl i met through the internship i have here this summer. I have grown quite fund of her even if i saw her only a few times. I would like to ask her out even if 5 months passed. Maybe next time i see her. I just thought she might have a bf because she is so awesome. She's 27. I got some vibes she likes me too.

Made some anki and regular flashcards for studying. I was so proud.

Edited March 16, 2020 by Everyday

[Everyday]

7 hours ago, Everyday said:

I am taking some classes to learn the traffic rules tonight as i did last Friday. I ll call them to be sure they wont cancel them.

The lesson was shorter with one hour and a half because of the virus.

 

I did groceries and noticed that there is no shortage of fruits and veggies. 

My relationship with my mom has worsen since last Monday. I cant stand her anymore.

The more i develop myself the more i realize that i am not a nice person. The way i am now is just fake, a way to mask my true self. I am not a good person deep inside. But i cant behave like i really am because of fear and other insecurities.

We were supposed to do some lessons online but my old professors from uni are incapable to do it lol.

Edited March 16, 2020 by Everyday

[Everyday]

The driving school is in quarantine for two weeks! Lol just when i almost had my first driving lesson. I started to learn the signs and laws via an app.

I am still used to studying after 20:00. My shift was in the morning today, so i spent the rest of the day just sitting in bed, eating, watching Contagion (2011) and thinking of her. 

I am very bored. 

I am drinking too much to deal with my emotions. I want to feel numb more and more.

Nobody is answering at university. I have no idea if we still have time for submission or not. The erasmus office said the submission schedule is the same but the people i have to contact aren't answering my emails and calls. 

My seedlings arent doing great either. 

Edited March 17, 2020 by Everyday

[Everyday]

On 17/03/2020 at 6:37 PM, Everyday said:

Nobody is answering at university. I have no idea if we still have time for submission or not. The erasmus office said the submission schedule is the same but the people i have to contact aren't answering my emails and calls. 

Finally submitted my folder today. I told to the Erasmus office that neither the responsible of Erasmus for my faculty or secretaries replayed to me. She contacted this professor; he replayed very upset. He is the one who calls us dumb for not applying for this programme, yet he isn't willing to help me to do just that. I assume he replayed only because his reputation was on the line. Just said thanks and shut up. Is not in my advantage to try to reason with him. 

 

She asked me on Tuesday night how am I. I was so happy and couldn't resist not smiling. I reacted like a child. It was so sweet to observe myself acting like this. I read again the last message i sent her: i will speak with you when you get back (after the quarantine, 2 weeks). Which made sense why she would think i don't want to speak with her in this time. 

Anyways, ignored her messaged like she did. Until Wednesday night when she asked my help with the online krav maga class scheduled.  I replayed to her and she asked me again how am i. I avoided to answer and dealt strictly with the problem she had. The online class started before i responded. After, i asked her if she wants to make a video call. We spoke for three hours. It was nice.

 

I got new glimpses about my true nature. It seems i am interested in her, as a new person in my life but in the back of my head i don't really care about her life. I am still trying to understand this. 

She told me found upsetting that i have no info about me on facebook. I told her how much i dislike to think that strangers would judge my life and i wouldn't even know. And she was intrigued about me because she didn't really knew much about me from online. Interesting. Me, in return just stalked the shit out of her profile last week ahahha.

 

 

Edited March 19, 2020 by Everyday

[Everyday]

I am coughing again, much worse than before. My whole family expect mom does. I don't have fever.

Three cases of corona have been announced in the apartment complex next to our business.

Edited March 21, 2020 by Everyday

[Everyday]

On 19/03/2020 at 4:18 PM, Everyday said:

. After, i asked her if she wants to make a video call. We spoke for three hours. It was nice.

We spoke each night since then. Last night we spoke until 6am. The conversation flowed. I enjoyed it. Lots of teasing. Due to this quarantine we had to speak on the phone more than actually seeing each other so some very interesting and deep conversations resulted. It seems we get closer each time we speak. I feel her loosening up. We spoke more of us as a relationship. I was glad. I am still anxious of ruining everything but i am more transitioning to a state of whatever happens i don't care. I advanced over my initial goal of just asking her out - what i make to happen from now on is just bonus.

 

Her last boyfriend fractured her rib just last January after breaking up 2 years ago. Lol. I thought - what if i get in conflict with this guy? I avoid standing up against another dude for a girl like the plague. But i remembered that if this happens i will just move on and do it better next time. All i want is experience.

 

 

[Everyday]

On 20/03/2020 at 9:51 AM, Everyday said:

I am coughing again, much worse than before. My whole family expect mom does. I don't have fever.

Yesterday, when i was coughing i felt like puking. I also had indigestion.

Today i feel better.

Edited March 22, 2020 by Everyday

[Everyday]

14 hours ago, Everyday said:

Today i feel better.

I am even better. But still have indigestion and seldomly cough. She encouraged me to ask my family for a few days off work. This will solve this cold hopefully but i feel like an asshole for them doing my shifts. 

 

Studied finally more today. I am behind schedule. I emailed a professor to ask clarification regarding what we actually have to study. Is harder now, because i am just feeling butterflies and thinking of her often. I just lay in bed like a potato. I kept speaking with her each night. I observe my behaviour with judgment. I think that i need to be very good at this without putting the work in. Is unrealistic. 

 

My professors didn't manage even one online class after a week in quarantine. Some of them literally just scanned pages from their books and sent them to us with lazy notes at the bottom withw what they actually want from us to study. How lazy can you be?

 

I have to buy a present for my father but everything is closed now.

 

Cooked some roasted veggies but they taste horrible because of the sesame oil.

 

The soil of my seedlings is still drying. Oof. I water them i dont know what's the problem.

 

 

Edited March 22, 2020 by Everyday

[Everyday]

On 22/03/2020 at 11:00 PM, Everyday said:

I have to buy a present for my father but everything is closed now.

 

Got them online. Last year i wanted to buy him more stuff but i used the money on junk food to manage my stress. I bought him more to make up for last year. 

 

My aim is to study 1.30h a day. But lately, i let school work pile up and wanted to go through all of it in 2 days. Yesterday i studied for 3 hours but by the end i crushed. I couldn't focus properly, and without having a clear time goal i just felt guilty for not doing more. Is a cycle of stress and misery- exactly what happened in NL. I felt so drained that i had to force myself to do little things here and there.

 

I speak with her every night. I enjoy it. I worry that she will get tired of me sooner or later but she thinks the same. We are making clear plans for the future and increasing intimacy and feeling more relaxed around each other each day so is pretty good. I estimate we'll see each other face to face at the beginning of May. This habit of worrying of rejection has been reinforced for years and years. I believe that having high and unrealistic expectations is a form of protecting my weak self esteem.

 

I cant stand my mom lately. Since two weeks after I met her. She disgusts me with her miserable marriage and life. To even give me advice. Like I got in an argument with my father and my mom almost rolled her eyes at me. After my father left she spoke very slow that I shut rather shut up than standing up for myself and trying to reason with him. She says i should do what she does: I should shut up and learn to not get affected by his insults and words. Lol. I got so upset - wtf are you telling me? That’s where this behaviour led you. Than she bragged how she is making progress in handling my father's insults on a daily basic. Like is some kind of improvement. I cant comprehend how she came to be like this. 

Edited March 24, 2020 by Everyday