165 Days Before College

[Girzo]

Nice work on this journal, it's pleasant to read. Weird how similar most of our struggles are.

I just couldn't find one info, what exactly are you studying? 

[Everyday]

 

 

[Everyday]

1 hour ago, Girzo said:

I just couldn't find one info, what exactly are you studying? 

I'm studying Horticulture.

 

1 hour ago, Girzo said:

Nice work on this journal, it's pleasant to read. Weird how similar most of our struggles are.

Thanks.

[Everyday]

30 day challenge of studying at least two hours daily

I got used to study at night even if i still don't want to. Is easier, since i have been doing it for a few weeks now. Even longer. I have all day to study now but i cant bring myself to do it before the night. I got used to it. Having a routine is really powerful. wow. 

Yesterday i studied 30 minutes more.

For the moment two hours daily is more than i can. After that i cant overcome resistance. Even so i can't focus one hour straight; i daydream and get caught up in memories. Didn't know my concentration is at this level.

I really noticed how bad habits affect my ability to studying. And good habits i general. Fapping, porn, unhealthy food, tv series and social media make it harder to study because i have 2 hours with no fast rewards.

I watch episodes of american dad every day after studying and fap to porn; noticed how is harder and harder to start when my mind knows i can get these rewards sooner and faster. 

The reason i get late to sleep is that i want to avoid all the regrets, postponed goals, confrontation, hate,  and thoughts that come at night. But how do i deal with all of them so i can sleep? I need years to fix all. There has to be another way i can fall asleep earlier.

I am hungry all the time. No matter how much i ate, i will feel hungry again after studying. I eat 4 times a day.

 

 

Edited February 5, 2020 by Everyday

[Everyday]

Someone asked in the group chat who else wants to do erasmus. I worry competition. Is funny that i dont worry about actually living abroad again but rather passing the admission process. 

Edited February 5, 2020 by Everyday

[Everyday]

30 day challenge of studying at least two hours daily

Studied yesterday and today. Recalling is getting easier. 

I had the hardest exam today and i failed. I wrote at each subject but the professor said it wasn't enough. I would have passed if i had other subjects. Also, she was such a bitch because last year i criticised something he forced each class to do, wont get into it now. I will re take this exam at the end of finals and study daily, besides the other 3 exams left.

By the time i finish all exams it will be almost March.  Time flies so fucking fast. I have stuff i want to do after exams. Cant wait. Seems is taking forever. But at least i am passing exams and is all that really matters.

I dont want to look like an asshole by starting to work at the internship after two months of exams. But i cant really do both. 

i want to talk about something but maybe in a few days

Edited February 7, 2020 by Everyday

[Everyday]

On 05/02/2020 at 9:06 PM, Everyday said:

Someone asked in the group chat who else wants to do erasmus. I worry competition. Is funny that i don't worry about actually living abroad again but rather passing the admission process. 

She asked again yesterday when i was waiting for the exam to start. I said yes, i want to do it. She said ok- didnt feel competition or arrogance from her. The girl next to us said no.

I cant start working on all my goals at once after finals so i will postpone some. Definitely, first i will work on erasmus for 2 weeks. Regular working hours meantime. Internship work after. 

Edited February 7, 2020 by Everyday

[Everyday]

 

[Girzo]

On 5.02.2020 at 8:06 PM, Everyday said:

Someone asked in the group chat who else wants to do erasmus. I worry competition.

Heh, you shouldn't. If you want to go, you will go. There's always an opportunity unless you study at some very crowded and famous university. Many people just talk, blah blah blah, that they want to go but in the end resign because of something, be it girlfriend, money, etc.

What country are you thinking of? I am aiming for Sevilla, Spain at the moment, it might change though.

It's really crazy that you experience bullying at this level of education. I have studied at two different majors and people I interacted with were always quite mature. Way beyond bullying anyone for sure. I feel sorry for that situation, but I have no idea how I could help you with it, even though I would want to. I would say treat it as a learning experience, but you have to judge if it is a bit of helpful advice yourself, heh.

Oh and BTW, there's this app called SuperMemo, it really helps with organizing notes and learning. You might want to try it in the next semester. It's a cool idea. It works like this, you have your notes and you type them into the program. You have two sides of a card, one for a question or a problem and another for the correct answer or solution. The cool part is that after giving an answer the software asks you to rate how well you have remembered it and based on that calculates the optimal time for repetition that will give you the highest retention of the information.

[Everyday]

One of the best and knowledgeable videos i have seen on this subject.

 

Edited February 9, 2020 by Everyday

[Everyday]

15 hours ago, Girzo said:

Heh, you shouldn't. If you want to go, you will go. There's always an opportunity unless you study at some very crowded and famous university. Many people just talk, blah blah blah, that they want to go but in the end resign because of something, be it girlfriend, money, etc.

You are right! 

15 hours ago, Girzo said:

It's really crazy that you experience bullying at this level of education. I have studied at two different majors and people I interacted with were always quite mature. Way beyond bullying anyone for sure. I feel sorry for that situation, but I have no idea how I could help you with it, even though I would want to. I would say treat it as a learning experience, but you have to judge if it is a bit of helpful advice yourself, heh.

 

That's what i am focusing on now. To observe, learn from it and take action where i am at the edge of my comfort zone. I thought more about it least night and realised conflict at large is my biggest fear and obstacle. I am amazed about this and the effect it had on me so far.

In a way is an opportunity and i would not even look deeper into conflict. I thought i am over it and wasn't aware of how is shaping my life so far. Is fascinating how many nuances and degrees are in arguing, standing up for yourself and dealing with every day conflict.

Edited February 9, 2020 by Everyday

[Everyday]

 

I studied for one hour and a half, 30 minutes sessions. I struggled to start each time. I am also sick and i wanted to make it easier. I watched episodes and videos in between.

 

Just woke up in the middle of the night because i went to sleep earlier. Right after i woke up i felt calm and rested. Then all the thoughts about conflict bullying and fear overwhelmed me. I don't want to wait years and increase the difficulty of people whom i oppose. I want that right now. I have an exam today.

Spent hours looking at the profiles of my high school colleagues. Literally hours until i had to leave for that exam. Compared myself with them and just felt bad. I have no idea why i want to make myself to feel so worthless. 

Edited February 10, 2020 by Everyday

[Everyday]

Update: I didn't recall any material before the exam as i wished. Most of the exam questions were too specific and difficult formulated so i wasn't 100% sure what to answer. Even if i didn't study perfectly i remembered many things so i was able to use my intuition to answer. I got an 8. 

 

This means that i have to start earlier to study. I spent the last few days using a bunch of recalling between different chapters in each session. It helped a lot but the time was too short.

 

 

 

As soon as i arrived in the exam class on of them said: Oh x came! Hahaha. By x i mean a name he calls me and i always say nothing. I replayed with a name he doesn't like to be called an he shut up. I was surprised- two weeks ago i didn't have the courage to speak back to him.  During exam i was worried he might pick on me for coughing since i am sick. Lol. In a way my mind doesn't want to acknowledge what is happening- i cant believe this is going on even if i am open minded and into personal development. I think i deserve special treatment. How they can treat me like this when i am smarter?

He called me that again after the exam and i said the same thing and he stoped. So i will basically push more and more to see when he reacts. Lol. Testing his boundaries too.

 

They don't even make fun of the other guy anymore. Everyone thinks he is dumb. He is still acting weird and they don't say anything. Meanwhile,  i am trying to speak and move as little as possible to not give them reasons to make fun of me. It seems i am the main target now.

 

I am making progress but i am surprised how harsh i am on myself. I thought that i didn't say enough, i should have been  more aggressive. I daydream conflict scenarios and boil in frustration but i have no consideration of how i act in real life, the level of my skills when dealing with this. I have a hard time accepting my real level. I don't want to acknowledge it.

 

After the exam i bought a pepper spray for work. Just in case we arguing with someone in the future. And also some metal bar for beating too. We had some problem with some guys from the cable company, because one of them is just giving zero fucks about doing his work right and fucked some stuff in the electric panel. And i was so pissed my brother didnt call me to argue with him. Uh. I was sleeping. Cant wait to argue with some strangers. I have some swearing and insults to throw which i feel confident enough now to use.

And also got some junk food from KFC. i thought i will feel so much dopamine and so much flavour. i got disgusted and sick from that greasy food. Ew. 

 

Edited February 11, 2020 by Everyday

[Everyday]

30 day challenge of studying at least two hours daily ACCOMPLISHED!

I was a nice challenge overall. the most important is that i finally re-started my studying habit.

I missed some days, some days i studied one hour or one and a half, some days i started really late and so on. In the beginning i struggled so much to recall what i studied and now is at last easier. I have wished i studied like this last month for the last 2 years since i finished high school, and here i am doing it better than before. I thought by habits of studying in the last year of HS were perfect, just to find out that not quite.

i still have exams until next weeks so i will keep this habit consistent. I can work on starting even if i don't want to, shorter breaks and more recalling.

Edited February 12, 2020 by Everyday

[Everyday]

I have so much to study for tomorrow's exam. I am anxious and resistant. I went to sleep after 4am. I woke up but i feel tired. I want to wait until night for the studying habit to kick in. oof

 

 

I realised i am not doing all the work on the side business of my family's business. More just doing tasks around even if i have a part in talking about prices, purchases and so on. And this business owned more by my brother and father. I receive less money for the work i do monthly than them. I feel pissed.

Same for internships. I don't do much on the side of business. But i will ask for it. Getting involved more in their business as well as my family's. I am worried that i don't know how to run a business and i have to learn it now.

By business i mean how do you set prices, business plan, accounting, etc.

Edited February 12, 2020 by Everyday

[Everyday]

I couldn't sleep all night before exam. I freak out of how much i have to study.  Plus i got overwhelmed for long periods of time all night daydreaming of conflict scenarios. it was horrible. i was like i have to go to the exam in a few hours and they'll make fun of me. Now that i am aware of this i cant let them treat me like that but i am not to the point where i can just stop it. 

So when i arrived i see that those guys didn't even passed all tests and projects to be able to take the exam. I felt so relaxed and outgoing. Didn't made myself small anymore. What a great feeling. Yet, i realize that the fear and problem are still there.

The exam was good, pretty sure i will pass. This new semester i am starting earlier to study.

I got some junk food after school. I liked it this time though. Arrived home and fell asleep. Woke up and ate smth then went to work. I felt sick after 30 minutes. Then the headache kicked in again. It was horrible. I was so miserable when i arrived home. Barely had the energy to take a shower and fell asleep until 3am. After that just sit in bad with a huge headache and sleepless.

Edited February 14, 2020 by Everyday

[Everyday]

I still feel sick and have a strong headache. I feel so tired and overwhelmed. My sleeping schedule is horrible and is starting to affect my health. But i still have to go to work for half a day. 

I have two exams left. I have zero motivation to study. I am going for some light 30 minutes session.

Edited February 14, 2020 by Everyday

[Everyday]

23 hours ago, Everyday said:

I have two exams left. I have zero motivation to study. I am going for some light 30 minutes session.

Studied for 20 in the end. Then went to work for 5 hours. Arrived home. 

I felt worse than yesterday. Ate, shower and fell asleep until 3am, looked at the ceiling and fell asleep again until 8am. Finally sleeping well.I have a light headache now but i have to study. I am shooting for 2 hours at least.

 

On 14/02/2020 at 3:41 AM, Everyday said:

The exam was good, pretty sure i will pass. This new semester i am starting earlier to study.

Passed with a 7. We have same professor next semester so i know what he wants from us at exams and tests now.

Edited February 15, 2020 by Everyday

[Everyday]

I kept maintaining a better sleeping schedule. By these headaches are killing me, especially that i have back pain too. It was so hard to study with this combination the last few days. Plus the daydreaming of conflict scenarios at uni which was disturbing my attention as usually.

 

Passed today's exam with an 8. To be honest the professor is too nice, and that's way i even passed. I need to start to study early, especially if something unexpected happens like catching a cold.

 

Last exam on Friday with that difficult professor. I am starting to prepare now. I am anxious i wont pass. Cant wait to finish and to take care of erasmus. 

 

Some conflict at work and at uni today. Took action. All i have to do is to get in conflict at least once a day at work and once at university. Overtime i develop a habit of standing up for myself. I am still criticizing my progress too much. I would rather not take action than not doing i exactly like i imagined in my head. This is toxic.

 

 

After this, I thought that if I want to stand up bulling in university I should expose myself to it. Conflict at work is different from university. Maybe just one-two labs with those bullies. But is so fucking hard, especially where I am now with my level of conflict management. I don’t know. Maybe next year. I feel is the only way to practice standing up for myself atm. Not sure yet.

 

 

I have the last exam on Friday at botany. Than I can work on my Erasmus papers. Finally. Also, after my parents come home I can go start the driving lessons. Around march.

[Everyday]

BTW my mom told me again about the testing she had last year- they found HEAVY METALS in her body, besides many problems and deficiencies. Last year this didn't ring any bells.

They gave her some pills to treat it but she didn’t take it regularly. LOL. Like lol. Man that's fucked up. Having work ethic is so fcking important. I reminded her today again to take them. This was the second day and hope she wont forget.

She was like um I didn’t have the time to read the label and than went on talking about what we should do in life and crap like this. mAN JUST taKE your PILLS stop SpeAKING Bs.! 

Edited February 19, 2020 by Everyday