165 Days Before College

[Everyday]

It makes me so satisfied to see some of my colleagues from university pleading on the group chat for class notes and information on assignments. They didn't even bother much to come to class since we started. Some dude says that he will come to uni regularly after exams- yeah sure. And the people who skipped classes and tests have to take all of them now. Imagine the stress level they have now. Heheheh lol.

[Everyday]

17 hours ago, Everyday said:

Update: After i wrote that last night i had another idea: to focus on the two internships for 2 years and then dive deep into social media. Social media its own thing and requires massive effort and practice. I want to do things right and get some read knowledge. I cant juggle with 3 internships. Is not productive and i dont make real progress. I have all the time in the world to focus on my passions. And i should cut it down to one internships but i dont see this happening.

Update! I will postpone reading about daygame after exams. I will focus only on passing exams. I will listen to podcasts and read books about how to study and apply this knowledge. Is far more important than pick up for now. I just got started to study better and i need time to make it a habit. I decided to move pick up for summer. 

Moreover i will schedule my activities based on the goal of passing exams. I will do work for the internship or go to krav maga if i finished first to study. Also, i stopped reading a book related to krav maga and one about the internship. I will allow myself to read them if i already studied for that day.

The video below is the most helpful one i heard in years. I literally got into a rut for the last 3 years for not applying what they are speaking about. I had a bunch of insights and i am only halfway through.

 

Edited January 12, 2020 by Everyday

[Everyday]

 

I will take advantage of the Erasmus programme. I will prepare the required papers after exams. Hope i get accepted.

 

I havent fapped in a few days, not sure how many. After a few days I was watching some videos on YT which included hot girls. It seems my mind wants to see women and get aroused as a substitute for not fapping. In 2017 i only fapped twice if i am not wrong and it got to a point when i had a photo folder full of hot girls. Interesting. 

 

I started a 30 day challenge of studying at least two hours daily. I study for one hour, break and then another hour. Just finished the second day. I noticed resistance and disbelief i can complete this month. I start to have  problems to focus during the second hour. Also, i get hungry even if i ate before. I expect improved focus by the end of the challenge. Yesterday i didn't put a timer for my breaks and it went out of hand fast. Today I took 10 minute break without checking messages, YT or social media. I wont study more than 2 h today, just a few stuff.

 

I am resistant to check what i learned. I searched some tests online because if i do the tests myself i tend to make them easy. I found some test in english on the subject I just studied and i took it. I noticed that it was harder for my brain to understand and process information in english than in my native language. This was one of the reasons i failed exams. It would have required me way more time to understand the concept than if i studied in in my language. This idea was suggested to me last year and i was  like pfff i read everything in english so it cant be a problem for me. I was too proud.

 

I am now focusing only on studying. I feel relaxed and more motivated to study. I have more room to breath and less guilt. But i see myself wanting to pick more to do! New hobbies, books, courses and to make myself busy again. I cant understand why! Learning how to study is the bottleneck solution to many of my problems: if i know this i can apply to all the other things i would rather learn right now. 

 

 

I went to sleep last night and i didn't watch yt or tv series to fall asleep. I just observed my thoughts. A lot of clutter. Basically it made me realise that one of the reason i let colleagues made fun & bully me, didn't get a driver license, didn't ask girls out in school or got a girlfriend, made toxic friends, avoid confrontation it is the fear that I will get beaten. It blew my mind.

 

In my childhood my father would pin me down or grab my hands very strong and i just pleaded to let me go for feeling pain. He would laugh. This would happen when i would argue with him or he just made fun of me. Is just sad how my life got evolved from that. I learned that i will be punished if i stand up for myself. Wow. Learning how to fight is opening a door of new possibilities. 

 

When i was in 7th grade these two guys would make fun of me for hours and i wouldn't say nothing. This went on for a year, and reached the worst record of bulling i have so far. I got made fun of before and after this. And i acted the same. I said nothing and i would even trying to be their friend. Once i got beaten. I didn't even fight back- i froze. I even wanted to be his friend a year later.

 

I didn't let myself to realise what was really happening. At times i thought they made fun with me not of me. And i fully realised this recently with the bullies at university. Man, i cant believe my subconscious tricked me into not even understanding that i was made fun of. They aren't my friends.  Lately, my mind is daydreaming fights and arguments i would have with these guys at uni. So i let myself to think about them, even more brainstorm insults i can use. And i have a list now to choose from. Next time i am made fun of i will come back at them. I had enough.

 

So far i see that learning to fight is the bottleneck solution to many of my problems and i will keep going. This solution solves 90% of my fear of confrontation and the rest i can use to let go, meditation, journaling and so on. I am actively working at the root of this issue.

 

 

Edited January 14, 2020 by Everyday

[Everyday]

Last night the only thing that pushed me to study was because i didn't want to lose a day of this challenge. Is not just other day. Almost completed the 4th day of studying. I am starting to worry for exams, is so much to study. I started to write questions for each topic studied and place it next to the chapter studied. Is very effective but it takes a lot of time. I will study half or less of each chapter, to be sure i can remember something for each.

I see the importance of starting early to study. I decided to focus mainly on studying and learning how to study until summer break. I will work for those internships only if i have time left. The priority is studying. This makes me feel very relaxed in contrast with starting to work on other issues all at once. I am actually fixing this problem.

I got distracted again from studying thinking about bulling.

I decided to fap last night. I felt pressure to go on for 30 days, together with the other challenge. Now, i feel calmer that i have to focus only on studying. 

 

Edited January 16, 2020 by Everyday

[Everyday]

On 15/01/2020 at 1:25 AM, Everyday said:

30 day challenge of studying at least two hours daily

So the 6th day of just was finished. This day was the hardest. I had 0 motivation for the last session. I learned from Cal Newport's book that spending a day for making questions for each chapter and only studying them next day is better. Better than learning and making questions in the same time. Now i will spend some time writing down questions. 

Didnt think of bulling pretty much. I will deal with it when it happens. I think these days i just have to feel it.

 

[Everyday]

On 18/04/2018 at 0:50 AM, Everyday said:

to continue nofap ( i relapsed yesterday after one year and three months)

wow i forgot

[Everyday]

I decided to cut off my summer goal of doing food delivers on bike. Is challenging but not as much as pick up and driving. Nor will have a big impact on my personality.  Same for swimming. I love it but improving my skills with it wont make a big difference.

[Everyday]

30 day challenge of studying at least two hours daily

I arrived home tired af after uni, ate heavy and went to sleep for 4 hours. I waste so much energy thinking when i use public transport and at uni. I studied two hours but the last 30m i didn't do my best. However, i am studying more than before because all that's in my schedule is to study. So i dont postpone it because i have nothing else to take care of.

After studying i watched some episodes because i still have time to relax. Lol.

The break between sessions gets longer than i want each time. I will use a timer.

I remembered that i dont want to speak with my colleagues. In the last few months i forgot this. I want to fit in even if i dont like those people. I will keep my distance from them. I dont even want to talk or listen to them anyways. I just feel weird to sit alone. But is ok.

On 19/01/2020 at 0:35 AM, Everyday said:

Didnt think of bulling pretty much. I will deal with it when it happens. I think these days i just have to feel it.

 

I had this simple idea a few hours ago: to do the lab classes with other groups, and minimising the time i see those rednecks form my group. They only pick on me during those classes, since there are less people. I will be done soon with this semester and i can start implementing this. I dont think i cant stand a fight with that guy because i have less experience. But it seems the right solution to avoid him now, but i will insult him until the semester ends if he's a dick. I dont know if this choice is smart or is a pussy move. I am pretty sure they both will fail uni. In krav maga we dont do sparring and we didnt learn how to protect from punches much. He did kickboxing for 2 years so i might start doing that instead as well.

Edited January 20, 2020 by Everyday

[Everyday]

30 day challenge of studying at least two hours daily

• Ate a banana after university, yet felt sleepy and went to bad. Woke up 5 hours later. Lol.
• I already studied one hour. I have a test tomorrow so i will go to bed later again.
• I am quite tired of studying. If it wasn't for this challenge i would have quit study sessions faster each day
• I noticed that i am not taking my notes at uni good enough. I will work on this.

 

Other stuff

• We found out today on Thursday we have an exam. Just got moved from next week to now. Man, cant wait to be done with this shit. I cant even complain to someone because they will punish me in the form not letting me to pass the course.

 

• They said good morning to today. And i thought for a few seconds hmmm they are nice so i should be speaking with them more. It's a trap! Each time i speak with them i act in such a way i exhale fear and beta vibes that they make fun of me sooner or later. Interesting. I kept my distance from them at class and everything was alright.

 

• I realised that those rednecks made fun of me only when i also made fun of other people together with them. Call it karma. And each time they would pick on me afterwards.

Edited January 21, 2020 by Everyday

[Everyday]

30 day challenge of studying at least two hours daily

• Wednesday was ok. Yesterday was more difficult to study. I ended up not doing the last 20 min. I was very tired. I prepare for an exam i took today. The exam was ok i guess, but some work put it earlier would have helped.

 

• Today i slept again after uni. Then went to work for my parent's business. After i arrived home i drank and now i am sitting in bed writing this.
• I think i will write some questions for the courses i had this week. I realised that I am usually coming from uni tired, Internship work sometime then i go to work and krav maga leaving no motivation for studying. But writing questions one day and review during another is manageable.  

 

• Today at uni i fell asleep every few minutes with the pen in my hand taking notes. Is something that happens to me very often. My sleeping schedule results in bad notes. I plan to fix this too.

 

General: 

One of the rednecks told me smth, and i responded back. He shut up. Nice. 

By choosing to build the habit of studying i neglect other aspects of life. And is ok. I cant be in balance all the time. Is very important. Now i am happy with my life, even if i am stressed of arguments.

I am pondering whatever i am actually spending my time productively with that internship.  I am not really making any big contribution. Is not challenging anymore. I feel bad to quit. 

I will join my father's working hours to get into conflict more often. He always gets into arguments and I can use this to get some practice. But after exams.

I wanted to tell to a professor how she should run her class and exam. I chose not to because i just want to pass the class more than to make her treat us better.

 

 

Edited January 23, 2020 by Everyday

[Everyday]

30 day challenge of studying at least two hours daily

yesterday i wrote some questions for a course after i didn't feel the alcohol anymore.

today i wrote some questions before and after work, a total of one hour. Took a break and got caught in youtube. I decided to quit for today and wake up earlier tomorrow. i am stressing again thinking about not passing exams.

 

General

i feel afraid for my future. will i make a leaving? should i focus on social media instead? plan b?

i questioned what i am actually doing at that internship with my time. i don't think my help counts. i am not learning about social media and marketing much from my boss as i hoped. i learned some stuff from my boss but i need a mentor for social media. he cant teach me. he doesn't grow our plants properly. he isn't an expert in that field either. oof. this time off from working because exams made me see things in a different light. 

i am doing a lot of shallow work there. a little bit of this and that but not even at an average level. i learned a bit about how a business is running which helped clear some limiting beliefs. but is time to move on. i realised i can learn even better how to grow plants form books than what he can teach me. i am pissed. i wasted 5 months working there. 

the other internship- this guy seems better at his job of cultivating. and i will focus on learning just that. but i again, have to go to someone who does marketing and social media stuff for a living. to learn from the source. not 2nd hand information. and also run my own experiments and read by myself. and combine this knowledge together.

i think my main mistake is that i had no idea what or why i am getting into it. and i offered to do social media and marketing beside growing plants hoping i can help and learn everything. i think some boundaries would have helped: i will only help you with x .

i will make a decision after exams end. also, i have to prepare some papers for Erasmus then. 

 

[Everyday]

30 day challenge of studying at least two hours daily

Studied 2hours in a row. Five minute breaks. Worked wonderful. Now i want to study some more but i really don't want to. 

 

General

Went to bed at 5 watching American dad and writing about that intern work. I couldn't decide what to drop from my schedule. But i realised i wont finish college being perfectly self actualised. I have all my life to work on what i am postponing now and i made peace with it.

[Everyday]

30 day challenge of studying at least two hours daily

Studying is going well.

I have a bad habit of revising superficially my notes. I think i am too smart and i should retain it very fast. This is toxic and makes me stressed and surprised every time i get the results. I don't take into consideration the real amount of time and energy to get a good grade. I have unrealistic expectations. 

Passed another difficult test today. I was nervous, as a result i couldn't sleep at all. I have two more tests and an exam left this week.

[Everyday]

 

[Everyday]

 

[Everyday]

30 day challenge of studying at least two hours daily

Passed a difficult test with a 7. A quarter of students in my year failed. Felt proud, but i didn't put hard work into it. Only studied for a few ay and some of material just read over and over and quizzed myself. Didn't have time to make it right.

I feel relaxed when my only goal is to study.

I think fapping each night made me struggle with studying more. I mean that dopamine fucks me up. Makes me lazy in a way. I feel it.

Next month I am going to deal with my sleeping issues. Is really bad. I cant take notes to courses because I am too tired. Also, i want to improve my diet for more energy.

I am always hungry because of my sleep schedule. I cant fall asleep at regular hours and i cant study unless i nap first. As in 4 hour naps.

I need a one day break from studying. Saturdays. After this challenge.

 

oTHER

Got bullied on Tuesday, and realised i have habit of not responding back right away. I smile and dont say smth because i dont want to be attacked physically and verbally. Maintained for years. After this i noticed that i translate their jokes as a description of my worth. If i don't stand up i am worthless. But my expectations are too high it takes time to tackle this habit.

All i can say now is a few words in a calmly manner. No matter how much rage i feel i cant respond back full force like i daydream. And is ok. Seems harder for me to argue with colleagues than to yell at strangers at work. Last month i started arguing first time with clients and i need time to adapt. Is still a huge improvement. Even the class clown sad smth to me and it took me a few minutes until i responded back. Fascinating.

But since then i felt relaxed because i know i am not what they say. I will do labs with other groups and keep learning to fight.

Today and yesterday it was ok. They were nice to me after i helped them with something later same day on Tuesday. Had some conversations about martial arts and krav maga. One of them did judo, jiu jitsu and boxing. Planning to do that. I thought he did kickboxing.

I will start driving lessons after exams. i am excited. I avoided to learn until now because i am afraid of confrontation. But i am better now.

 

simmer- hayley

Edited January 31, 2020 by Everyday

[Everyday]

30 day challenge of studying at least two hours daily

Had a presentation and an exam today. I passed at both. Both way easier than i expected. I got the result at a test i had some time ago. I passed.

I am happy but upset those guys passed too. Like i put more effort into studying and showing up to uni man. This isn't fair. They literally cheated or guessed the answers at some exams and tests and got better grades than me. My uni is a joke.

I didn't study today. I will rest. 

 

Other:

Thought to celebrate this end of the week with some junk food and alcohol. I didn't buy food because i felt disgusted and too tired to eat. Getting drunk wasn't appealing either. Drank and i feel even more tired. Didn't enjoy it. If i gave myself the permission to eat and drink isn't enjoyable anymore, so it seems.

Some professor said again we are all a fucked up generation. I don't like him.

Thinking to start judo. One of those dude's friends went to a dojo in my city. Not sure yet.

They made fun of me again and i did as well to one of them. I fucking hate my current situation. Today it was the last day i had labs with them. Finally. Can't wait to start the second semester and think of smth else.

There are some girls in my class they don't even dare to make fun of. But they test them every day and they repel them. Is not just about power but also about subtle behaviours and responses to adversity which make someone to respect you. I have to learn this. Is fascinating to me. I am not aware of my beta behaviours which encourage bulling. Fighting is just a facet of the skills of standing up for yourself. I will get better at it. 

I worked today and i will continue for a few days then stop again to study more. But it seems i struggle more to start when i don't go to work- i don't have any limitations.

Don't know how i will manage my time when i start the new semester. I haven o idea how i will manage working, krav, studying, uni, internship and personal projects. But i do know i will finish all documents for erasmus right after exams.

Edited February 1, 2020 by Everyday

[Everyday]

 

[Everyday]

30 day challenge of studying at least two hours daily

 

Focusing 100% on smth is fucking hard for one hour.

I find it really hard to start to study daily. I don’t want to do it. A reason is that I am worried ill fail. I cant revise very well my notes because I started late.

I want to eat junk food. I feel resistant to study. I'm afraid of failure. I want to go to eat junk food from outside and do it every day until I am done with exams.

 

I also feel guilty that I have AGAIN all day to study and I don’t. My father is doing my shift at work so I can study- and what I do? I waste time. I study for 2 h and then watch episodes and movies. But this guilt doesn’t make me motivated. Quite the contrary- to feel even more resistant.

The food I eat every day is quite bad for my concentration.

 

I cant believe I survived that much guilt and stress last year. Is unreal. I felt so bad. No wonder I wanted to get higher and try different stuff. It had the purpose of making me sick, like junk food , get motivated and starting to study.

 

Other:

I want to work on other habits right now. I need fast improvement.

I am going on with my main challenge for now. Sleep is the next one.

 

 

Edited February 3, 2020 by Everyday

[Everyday]

What blocks me from studying better? What is stopping me?  I can use this also for driving, sleeping and eating habits.

 

 

 

Reasons to not eat junk food:

I have walk to a junk food place, wait in line and after all of this hassle i have to pay. As i eat i feel bad and guilty. After I'll feel sad, guilty, tired, fat and unmotivated. Those money could have been spent on other things. 

This makes eating junk food harder.